I'm beginning to think that legalism is the root of all kinds of evil.  We often think we are impervious to it, but clearly we are not.  It infiltrates our subconscious and colors the lens through which we view others and ourselves.  It causes us to act in ways which are inconsistant with our beliefs and contradictory to our hearts.  It places a price tag on that which is free and keeps us from ever walking in victory.

More lethally, it keeps others from having a relationship with Jesus.  Other people latch onto our particular brand of legalism, and follow along, looking the part. But, in a moment where true relationship would keep them from disaster, the rules of legalism just force them underground.

Meet Julie, a married mom of a 3 1/2 year-old daughter. She comes from "a religious family" (her words).  After struggles with both primary and secondary infertility, she finds herself pregnant with a much wanted little boy.  Unfortunately, Juie discovered from amniocentesis that her son is sporting an extra chromosome.  Down syndrome was not part of the plan and she is terrified.  She also admits that she is very, very angry at God for playing "this cruel joke" on her.

Julie wants an abortion.  But, she is struggling with that decision because of her "religious family." The only person that she has shared her son's diagnosis with is her sister, who is championing that Julie and her husband will do a great job raising a child with Ds.  Julie has not shared with her the desire/plan to terminate, because she is worried that her sister will "think less of her."

I can't help but wonder.  If Julie's family were less religion and more relationship, would that make a difference in this situation? If she were not worried about judgement from them for breaking the rules, would she be able to share her heart and be heard?  Would the love and support of her family change the outcome for both Julie and her baby?  Would she have already come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ? 

If she had relationship with Jesus, instead of a desire to keep up appearances, she would already be convinced that, because God loves her and her son, He must have a plan for her precious baby's life that includes his extra genetic material. She would know that he is being knit together in secret for a purpose, and that he is being created in the image of her God.  Termination might have been her gut reaction to the mind-numbing fear, but it would have garnered no serious consideration.

What about the rest of us? Are we living according to some moral code that applies to other people's situations?  Do we know that abortion is wrong because it just is...and because we would never find ourseves in a situation where we would be tempted?  Or do we know it's wrong because of a gut-wrenching knowledge of the Father's heart? Can we be real with the Julies of this world and say, "I know your fear. I've had it, too. I, too, just wanted to make it go away," and then encourage them that God knows, and that only He can bring them peace? 

Or do we shake our heads and click our tongues and declare, "I could never do that to my baby," knowing that it is unlikely that we would ever find ourselves in that situation.

It is easy for me to sit on this side of it and judge.  Today I find myself judging the unknown "you" that are steeped in legalism, reacting only to the intent and not responding to the heart. Tomorrow, in my frustration, I will judge the sinner, too. I will be so frustrated and feel so helpless that I could not make her see the truth, when the truth is not mine to reveal. I will feel holier than thou because I'm living this life, and she chose to throw it away.

How is that different?  Unfortunately, it's not. If I had a living, breathing Julie in my life, I would hold her hand and let her cry. I would listen as she processed. I would validate her feelings and pray with her. I would lovingly share truth with her and pour everything I had into her.  And then, if in her fear she chose wrongly, I would walk away in disgust and horror.

When will my eyes be Yours, Lord? When will I hear with Your ears? How long must I live this selfish life? Why does it always come back to my foolish pride? I pray for grace, dear Lord.  Grace to love my brand of unlovables. I pray for grace to own the mercy you have so freely given me, so that I can freely give it. Change my heart of stone.

I think since I've neglected this blog for so long, it's probably safe to be brutally honest. I'm up late. Can't sleep and don't have a journal handy.

I went to a ladies' meeting and just made a complete dork out of myself. Do you ever catch yourself talking too much and think, "Shut up!  Just. shut. up." but you can't seem to stem the tidal wave of words? Probably not. Happens to me more often than I'd like.

I went seeking an answer to a question I've been asking myself.  Toward the end of the meeting, someone made a statement that I questioned. 

Out loud.

I felt completely and needlessly jumped on for questioning that thought.  I did what I usually do when the pressure's on and I want to be liked: I backed down.

Funny thing is, I still don't understand. It still doesn't make sense to me.  I have Scriptures that say exactly what I tried to explain, but they didn't hear or allow for discussion.

Sigh. Won't be doing that again.

It hurts.  I just want to retreat and lick my wounds. I feel so raw. Not from tonight.  I feel like I've been on the frontlines for so long.  I'm sad to say that some of it is because of my darling boy.  I am worn out.  He is amazing and wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for anything, but I advocate and educate all. the. time.  And I will be doing it forever.  I read amazing articles about people with Down syndrome, followed by nasty, vile comments.  So many actually believe that it is irresponsible to carry a baby with Down syndrome to term.  And it wounds me a little every time I read it.  I want to retreat.  But this is my life now.  I am the mom of a child with special needs and I will be fighting for him and for kids like him until the day I die.

But, for now, I think I'll stay away from ladies' meetings.

Since I do such a great job on keeping up with this blog (snort!), I've decided to start another one.  The new one will be mostly about Simeon and Down syndrome.  Another mom of a kid with Ds encouraged me to do this.  Her blog has been such an encouragement to me, so I took her advice to heart.

The new blog is: www.simeonstrail.blogspot.com  Please drop by and visit me over there.  I will try to continue to post here about random things, as well.