May. 7, 2008 - Frustrated very frustrated
I am probley going about this the wrong way but I need to get this out of my head and onto a piece of paper or I am going to explode. Funny that is how we writers are, we have emotions so much strong uncontrolable emotions yet we need to get them out, out or we can't stand it. And it has to be written, I don't think many of us can verbally express what we need or maybe we just don't have anyone who wants to listen.lol
Anyways me I am frustrated at this moment. Severly upset and frustrated at my husband, and you know what he doesn't care so I am in the later part, noone to listen. I hate going to friends or family so I just am going to write this out and see what comes pooring out of my brainstorm. I am going to put this on my blog, so that if anyone is going or has been through this they will know they are not alone, because frankly right now at this moment I feel alone.
My husband and I married when I was 21, we had one child together already. Then after we where married child number 2 came, now for those of you who say WAIT, we where living together when I got pregnant with my first, in a very comited relationship and talking of marriage but I didn't believe in marriage at all, my parents had just broken up and I thought marriage was a usless stupied institution and refused to enter into it, I didn't need to go to the goverment to have them say I was going to stay with this person forever, because I already knew that. We where in a monogomous relationship. Was I right? UHM no and yes, do we need a goverment to tell me I am married, well no, DUH, but I feel that as a Catholic we do need the Sacrament of Marriage so we have Gods graces in teh marriage. Anyways now back to my issues.
then we go pregnant with baby number 2, then after he was born dh joined the Army and left for almost a whole year. Then we moved to GA our time in GA before Iraq was probley the best time in our whole marriage, we where happy and in harmony and had no family around. WE where just in a good spot, period, and we loved it there, now if you asked me when I lived in GA I would have said, Ga is awfulit is hot and I live on base, bla bla bla but things change when looking back on them.
So during all this I was raising our boys well now we where having number 3, and my dh was a normal husband, he went to work came home ate and went to bed. He was working many many hours so the kids where my domain along with the home.
Then he left for Iraq and everything was my Domain, the house the kids, everything because well the man was at war, for 18 months!
Then he came home and was worked even harder and it was still all up to me. I single handled moved us yet again back to ga, fixed up the junkiest trailer known to man and did my part.
He got out of the Army and got a job here and well still my Domain, the kids and the house. No help no questioning Nothing. If you asked my husband how to start a load of laundry in my home he would have looked at you with a blank look and probley said, Laundry? He jsut was a normal husband working and not having time and paying attention and frankly I wasn't worried and didn't care I was a normal wife, doing her duty.
Well now my dh is home fulltime it started in December, he was injured in Iraq and can't work and it took about a year for the disability to go through. And suddenly I have this being in my DOMAIN, telling me how to do it and what I am doing wrong and the worst part of all, Thinking he can do a much better job than me!
Now lets be honest I am up to child 4, and I am pregnant and tired, I would lke him to help, but my dh isn't one to be able to work with others. It is his way or no way. And he is completly in charge and I stay out of the way read his mind adn do what he wants before he speaks or well he isn't happy. SOOOO, I get the subbmissive wife talk bla bla bla. WEll have you read corithians 31, well her husband was at the city gate not hanging around saying I can sew better than you, you are doing an awful job, I don't like what you cook change it on and on.
So then I wonder ok maybe I am being hormonal or something, so I go talk to my husband, and I say this is how I feel. So he says, listen the kids are terrible you can't get them out of control so I think it would be best if you left for a few weeks and let me take over get this house undercontrol adn then you can comeback and take over. OK I AM NOT NUTS, he really doesn't care how I am and WAIT, my kids aren't out of CONTROL! TRUST ME! I know out of control kids, mine have no routene at the moment because ever since my DH came home he has decided to change everything, not fix it just say my way doesn't work adn work against me to make me fail but not allow a routene to go inplace or me to make a new one. But no they are not out of control. And my house is CLEAN, and also not out of control, no mounds of dirty dishes or clothes everywhere. In my opinion I have and am doing a good job, but not to him, the man who for the first time since those children where born decided hey I think I can be a part of their lives. I am so MAD at him at the moment it isn't funny. So then we have the well he has TBI and PTSD, so now I am supposed to fiure out how that works. I am sorry but for the last year and a half or frankly my whole marriage it has been what he wants when he wants it and leaving me behind to pick up all the pieces and I am sick of it. I was against him joining the Army in the 1st place, but I did it anyways, and did my best, I wasn't excited about teh moves but I sucked it up and did it. I will put up with alot but for anyone to come in and decide they don't think I am a good mother and they can do a better job to my children, the ones I raised alone while he decided to go off and save the world, in his midlife crisis of joining the army at the age of 30, How dare he. I never have gotten a thankyou or I apprecitate you or anything. NOTHING, he doesn't even hug me and say wow you are beutiful or anything, it is just criticism. And I am about to take him up leave for a whole week and see how he survives it, but I can't do that to the kids. I would be leaving out of meaness and anger, and that isn't right. I know this will take time, and everyone keeps saying go find a hobby or something get out of the house, but you know what I LIKE BEING HOME! I love my kids and being a mom and dirty fingers and snotty kisses and kissing booboo's and the cauos of a large family. I enjoy it so much that I don't want to leave. And my opinion is if my husband hates it so much, hates the sound of children playing or talking or giggling or climbing trees, he should leave, because that is their problem. I like the life of a large family. I didn't con him into children. He is a cradle Catholic and if his PTSD makes it so he can't handle this then he needs ot go et him a little apartment somewhere and leave me alone. Because I am happy the kids are happy, and this is our life. I have kids, no they aren't perfect but I can go to a resturant alone with all 4 and eat a meal. I can take the to walmart by myself and the grocerystore and even shoe shopping. so no they aren't out of control. There things I don't like to do with my kids but that is because I don't like crowds and crowded places and places where people just let there kids run free.
Now I am an attached mother also, I treat my kids like people because I know they are little people, they aren't annoying creatures who should never be heard, they are little people. I wear my babies in a sling and I go out back adn play with my kids, we read together and run around and do all that fun stuff. But now my husband is home he wants all my attention ALL OF IT and if he doesn't get it he acts like a little child. I was on the phone with the church today and what does he do start throwing a fit, Lori we need to talk now, i need this bla bla bla, I whisper I am on the phone so what call them back. Now I am rarely on the phone, my cell had logged in 400 min last month that is my house phone and I believe only 150 min where not with my husband. I am not in any clubs and I rarely go out. I don't have alot of friends. so the man is not starved for attention, he jsut couldn't handle I was talking to another person. This wasn't even a deep long conversation it was simply someone calling to see if I could bring something to church tommorrow but my husband had a fit a flat out fit and I left, I was so mad. I know it is the TBI or whatever, but come on. He treats the children like things that get in the way of him getting my undivided attention. And I am sick of it, they are my children, and they are little children and you know what even if I didn't have children I wouldn't be at home all day surrounding my self with him. And that is how they are out of control, how dare I play with them or go out or read or the worst TALK to my children. He gets upset if I ask them a quesiton! WHAT! if I say how was your day and they respond he then starts to say don't ask them questions at all, you tell them what you want. I want ot have a conversation with my child I want to sit for a min and say hey how are you. REally you like dinosaurs kewl,
I do too, I need to be able to enjoy mother hood and frankly I feel ROBBED! I have a but a few years to run play tickle and goof off with my kids, and noone on this planet is going to interfere with that ANYMORE!
I get CTBHHM thrown in my face all the time and let me say Debbie Pearl adn her husband play and enjoy their children adn enjoy life., And I used to until recently and today I am taking a stand either he gets out of the way and lets me be the Mother or person I am or he can go. Because I hate, I mean HATE the person he is trying to change me into. I don't wear heels I don't do my hair and makeup, I never have! I wear hippie skirts climb trees do natural meds, and run around outside with out shoes on and I believe life is to short to be uptight and irritating. I like to go to the citymarket and eat natural foods nad you know what I hangout with the weird hippie people that scare my husband and he laughs at. Any until recently So did he, I go on nature hikes adn to the zoo and I camp. This is who I am and who I have ALWAYS been. Nothing new! I used to have hot pink hair and I miss it so much! I have a tatoo, adn if I see a tree I think hmm I wonder how long it would take me to scale that. I love the ocean adn I think freeze tag is the kewlest game EVER! And so does my best friend who used to be scotts best friend and how he once dated, and so did my husband. We used to play games and have fun adn just let things go. And have friends over and BBQ's and we hung out with people who loved us for who we where. Adn I know TBI changed personality but frankly who he changed into is not a man i would have even talked to.
Then man I fell inlove with decided to played pool. raced cars and was a very messy person. Who enjoyed life on the weekends and thought snowball fights where a blast and now if I even mention sledding he would have a COW! Well if wants to be an old man more power to him but I am 28 and I am refusing to turn into a boring bitter old person. he needs to get over himself and realize life is not that serious! The man needs to learn to have fun!
And this is from the person who has and always will be the one doing majority of the cleaning balancing the checkbook and paying the bills. There is a time and a place, but well I think if he doesn't lighten up a stroke is in the near future for him
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