Things are still the same.  My life is falling apart and I don't know if it will ever be the same again.  I lost custody of my first 4 children because my ex-husband's father knew the judge.  And now, my husband is wanting sole custody of our three youngest children.  They keep asking me when I will be coming home.  I think they feel like I have "left" them, when really I was forced out of my house.  My husband has custody of our children right now.  I have no access to our money, and he changed all the locks on our house so I cannot even get in.  I heard from others that he had been planning this for awhile.  He never said a word to me that he felt anything was wrong.  I never saw it coming.  What really hurts more than anything is that my entire family knew what was coming and never said a word to me. 

Everything I love has been ripped away from me.  In spite of all this, I still love my husband very much.  I miss my children so much that my heart just hurts all the time.  I feel so alone...I cannot confide in anyone in my family for fear they will tell anything I say.  I have one friend that has stuck by me, and is praying for me everyday.  My life and my children's lives have been thrown to the lions because my husband is not willing to work on our problems.  I would love for us to go to some marriage counseling, but he says I am the one who has all the problems.  I was a stay at home homeschooling mother...my children are now in public school and daycare...I feel like such a failure.  AND I am sceduled for a tubal ligation on May 12th.  I don't think I can go through with it.  I originally hoped that compromising in that way would get him back, but he isn't willing to try at all.  I still would love to have another child.  No, I am not going to have it done.  Sorry I am rambling.  I feel very sad today.  Nighttime is the worst.  I miss him holding me at night.  I still sleep with one of his shirts wrapped around me.