I've had many comments from people asking how I am doing.  I thought I would share a prayer I wrote a couple of weeks ago during my quiet time.  It will give you all an idea how my life is right now....

Dear Lord,

Thank you for showing me how to study your word.  Please give me a strong desire to want to study your word and pray.  To be honest, sometimes I just don't feel like it.   Right now I am more confused than ever.  I don't feel completely happy with my life. I still don't know for sure if I am supposed to stay with Eric.  I have serious doubts about his recent "conversion."  I truly do not believe that he is sincere.  I know it is wrong for me to feel that way.  Help me to faithfully keep praying for him.  He says he loves me, but I have been pushed so far that I am just tired.  There are times I just want him to go away.It seems as if our relationship is based only on sex.   And while I do enjoy that with him,  I miss having a true-deeper relationship with my husband.  I care deeply for Eric, but I do not truly love him.  I know in the back of my mind that our relationship is never really going to work. It will never work as long as he chooses to leave You out of his life.  It was selfish of me to marry him-I didn't want/was afraid of being alone. Since our marriage, I haven't been as faithful to You-You should be my first priority.  The things Eric does and wants to do really bother me and are a source of constant strife in our marriage.  The things that bother me are: smoking pot, snorting pills, drinking, cursing all the time, his music-nothing but mind garbage, he makes fun of my music-which is all on christian radio, referring to other girls and my private parts all the time-the vulgarity, his disregard for what is right-he wants to rationalize everything to make it right for him, his constant mood swings(which are brought on by all the drugs he takes), I never know when I get home what kind of mood he will be in-he always wants to pick an argument with me, yet later turns it all around and blames it on me, doing needle drugs, his constant verbal and sometimes physical abuse - he snapped a couple of weeks ago in the car-left 2 bruises on my arm.  Really scared me-this is the 3rd time he has shown violent behavior.  I am afraid of him.

I think my biggest problem is just letting go of Eric-for good. My fear of being alone just terrifies me.  It sounds awful, but I really hoped they would put him in jail(a charge he got for stealing).  They didn't...they gave him a year's probation.  I have so much to consider...I am pregnant with his child...due in February.  I don't want him around the baby, not with his language and all that he does.  Then again I am so afraid of how I will take care of this baby alone.  Taking off work, paying bills, finding a good daycare(something I am so against)-these things are all constant stressors in the back of my mind.  I know my mom will not help-I am a huge disappointment to her.  I wish she knew all the struggles I have with my conscience, my faith, trying to let go of Eric.  I am still a christian.  I still want to do what is right-what God wants me to do.  It's just finding that clarity-knowing for sure what He wants me to do.  I spoke with people at my church and they encouraged me to keep trying to make it work and just pray for my husband.

And then there is my ex-husband.  I am still very much in love with him.  I still feel so much guilt for the things I did that led to our divorce.  Sometimes I miss him so much I want to die.  It still hurts so much.  And I miss my children so much.  Seeing them only twice a month is just not enough.  I feel guilty for not being there for them.  And Christmas this year is a constant worry for me.  I simply don't have enough money to get gifts for my children, let alone anyone else in my family.  I am struggling so much...sometimes I just want to quit. 

Please Lord, help me to know for sure what it is you want me to do.  Give me the strength to do what I need to do.  Keep me and our baby safe.  Please take all these things that are burdening me, Lord.  Help me not to worry about them.  Please take them from me and give me a peace about my situation.  In Christ's name,  A-men.