I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written anything.  I have seriously just not had a chance to be online very much.  I am now using the computer at my friend Jenny's house.  I wanted to give an update on my situation...so many of you have sent the sweetest comments to me, and your prayers for our family are so much appreciated!

I am living with my mother right now. She has graciously provided me with room and board...and I am so thankful.  My husband has temporary custody of our children.  It has been really rough and I miss them so much.  I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that this is happening to me.  I thought we would be married forever.  I am doing ok though.  I still see my husband several times a week.  And I was able to see my children on Saturday and Sunday this past weekend.  I miss being involved in their everyday life.  I think what hurts the most is that we are no longer homeschooling.  My son, David is in kindergarten at the local school near us, and my 4 and 2 year olds have been enrolled in a christian daycare. (this just breaks my heart...anyone who knows me, knows that I am the most anti-daycare person on the planet!!!)  It breaks my heart to think of someone else raising my children for me during the day. I miss them more than I ever felt possible. I have had 2 interviews with a home health company that works with mentally handicapped people.  Please pray that this job works out.  It would mean alot more money, benefits, and a job I can do well that will make a difference in someone else's life.  AND the hours are from 7:30am til 3:30pm...just perfect for being able to spend the afternoons with my children.  So, I am trying to get my life back together.  And I am still praying that the Lord works a miracle in our marriage.  I love my husband so much and cannot even fathom life without him.  I don't think I have ever prayed so much in my entire life.  Amazingly,  He has given me a sense of peace about this whole situation, and I know that He will work it out according to HIS plan for my life.  It may not go the way I want it to, but I know that He has my best interest at heart, and all I can do is trust.  And that is sooo hard for me...not knowing what is going to happen next.  I appreciate all of my online friends who have supported me through this.  Please continue to pray for our family.   

I have a few minutes, so I thought I would give an update.  I woke up Sunday morning not feeling well, and I had almost talked myself out of going to church, but something inside just kept telling me to get ready.  I got my children ready and we went.  I am so glad that i did.  I felt like i had the entire world on my shoulders, and sat almost numb during the service.  Something the Pastor said just spoke directly to me...He described someone, who may be in our congregation right now.  This person was saved many years ago, but has always felt that God was far away.  This person has screwed up so many times they may feel they are unworthy of being loved by anyone, especially God.  It was like he was describing me EXACTLY!  And then he said something that profoundly spoke to my heart..."WE CANNOT UNDO WHAT JESUS DID FOR US ON THE CROSS! No matter how many times we mess up or fail, there is nothing that can separate us from His love!"  I prayed right then and thanked Him for loving me in spite of all my failures.  And while I am still struggling with some issues, I truly do feel much better...I so appreciate all the kind words and prayers sent up on my behalf.

I have had several inquiries about my visit to the neurologist.  I saw him a week ago and have to say I was really impressed with him.  He spent about 40 minutes talking to me and my husband and doing all kinds of exercises with me.  He said it would take awhile to weed out all of the symptoms I am having.  I have to go for a sleep study, because we are quite sure that I have sleep apnea, which can cause alot of problems on it's own. I also have to have a couple of other tests done...and I have no idea what they are.  After those tests are done, I will see him again, and then he will be doing a spinal tap to check for other conditions.  He said that he has an idea of what is going on, but has to rule out as much as he can to be sure.  He says that he thinks that I have a disease similar to Lupus...and I can't remember what he said it was exactly.  That's about all I can remember.  I appreciate so much all of you ladies who have told me that you are praying for me...Thank you so much.  I will keep you posted as I find out more.

I found this picture and the look on her face reflects the way I am feeling tonight.  I am venting here because I have absolutely no one else I can talk to, so i will talk here to my online friends.  I am sad and have been crying...my husband went out with some friends and left me here alone.  That in itself is not wrong, however, this is the 4th time this week he has gone "out."  He meets his guy friends and they go to this really awful bar in town and sit around and drink all night.  He usually doesn't get home until 2 or 3am.  I literally begged him to stay and spend the evening with me.  He still left. My feelings are hurt and I am so sad.  I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me.  I try so hard to do everything I can to please him.  I wonder sometimes if he even loves me anymore.  I realise that there is nothing I can do on my own to change him. I feel like I am losing him. And I do love him so much.  Ladies, please pray for us. 

I have been so busy that I haven't had time to post as much as I usually do.  I am hoping that my headaches will ease up this week.  I have been running on empty for about 2 weeks now.  I have been doing just the "basics" everyday which include: morning cleanup, homeschool, lunch, and dinner prep.  The rest of the time I am laying down with an ice pack hoping that my head will stop hurting. 

My son, David, is having such a hard time in Math.  We are doing first grade Singapore math.  It simply moves too fast, and even I have a hard time explaining some of the concepts that they go over.  If anyone knows of a simple beginning math program, PLEASE let me know about it. 

I am still here.  I have had a really rough week so far dealing with my migraines.  I have been to the doctor 5 times since monday.  I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.  I will be seeing a neurologist in two weeks.  I had an MRI done a few weeks ago.  I have several abnormal white masses on my brain.  There is swelling on my brain also. They also think I might have the beginning stages of MS.  It isn't for sure yet, but they will do a spinal tap to find out. 

I wanted to say thank you to all the sweet ladies who left me a comment after my last post. You all are so wise. I know that if I seek Him, I will find Him.  HOW do I seek Him?  HOW do I study my Bible?  I pray but most of the time I feel like my prayers are forced..can't think of the right word here.  I want to know HOW to study and pray. Candy said that I should study and read the Bible "fiercely."  HOW do I do that? 

Amy over at Dandelion Seeds has written a wonderful post on the "assurance" we have as believers.  It is well worth your reading time to go and check it out! 

I have been a believer since I was 14.  However, I still have the same thoughts now as I did then.  Yes, I was saved at a summer camp in June 1984, and yet I still don't have this ASSURANCE that I KNOW I should have about my salvation. It is something that is always in the back of my mind..haunting me almost.  I honestly don't know if I were to die right now if I would go to heaven.  I am sure that comes as a shock to some.  I want so badly to have that assurance...I want to know FOR SURE that I will see Jesus in heaven.  I know that salvation is a gift..I can do nothing on my own to get it...it is a free gift from God.  I also know that He draws us to Himself..He gives us the desire to know Him.  I "know" in my head the way to salvation, yet in my heart I am still doubting if I am "truly" saved.  I so want that assurance.  I want so much for my fear of death to go away, and to know fully and completely that I am saved.  So my prayer request would be for me to have Complete Assurance of my salvation.

I have this fascination with the Duggar family.  Pretty much everybody in the homeschooling world knows who the Duggars are.  I just love this family.  I seriously would love to have a family like they have.  Not that I dislike my family now, I just wish that we could bring our children up in that same way.  I simply love the way their family LOVES each other...they are always helping one another..you can clearly see the strong family bond that they all share.  Our family doesn't have that.  I am ashamed to say that most of that is my fault.  I have screwed up so many times as a mother and a wife. 

I would love to be able to go and spend a day with Michelle and see just how their family interacts with each other all day long.  I am so impressed with all of their children.  How in the world are all 17 children so well behaved and respectful...while I am having such a difficult time with my 4 year old. 

Another thing that I really like about the Duggar family is the way they dress.  The whole family looks nice all the time.  At this time, I wear dresses or skirts only, but my children do wear pants/jeans.  I would love for my boys to look like they do...right now they wear sweatpants and t-shirts everyday.  My girls wear jeans and tops, or sweatpants and t-shirts.  I really believe that if young girls were brought up to dress modestly, their attitude towards being "feminine" would change.  My youngest daughter wears little skirts and tops during the day...she is just 2. 

Sorry if i sound like I am rambling.  I have this dream family in my head of how I would love things to be.  I would love to have family worship everyday in our home(Dh is not a believer,,please pray for his salvation).  I would love to get rid of the TV,  The shows nowadays are so terrible...nothing appropriate for children, and even the shows geared towards children are not acceptable to watch.  The Duggar family is my inspiration! I want to be michelle when I grow up!  I know we shouldn't compare ourselves to other families, but i feel like my family is kind of torn..almost broken.  It is so hard to be a christian mother and carry the burden of training them up in the way they should go without the help and support of a christian father. Though I am am married, i feel so alone. I don't know if I can do this alone...the right way.  I feel so inadequate.  I so want my children to be brought up in the teachings of the Lord.  Just pray for me...and my family.   

I just received the latest issue of my TEACH magazine.  This is truly my favorite homeschooling, homemaking, mothering magazine.  This issues theme is on hospitality.  Did you know that we are commanded by God to show hospitality to others?  So many times I have invited friends over for dinner, and have run myself ragged trying to "impress" my guests with our home, food, etc.  What I really should be doing is looking for ways to show God's love to others.  Instead of making it about "ME,"  I should be making our visit about our guests.  Keep things simple, and open your heart to your guests.  Pray for your guests before they come.  Ask the Lord to show you how to minister to them.  Wow!  Lots to digest in this issue!  It has blessed me and I hope it will bless you as well.

I'm sure everyone is wondering where I have been for the last week.  Well, let's see.  Wendesday, the 14th was my birthday.  Dh took me out to one of my favorite places for dinner called Cafe One 11.  It is a neo-asain cuisine.  Later that evening, I began having really intense stomach pain, so bad that by 3am, we had to go to the ER.  My mother came over to stay with the kids for us.  I was having a gall-bladder attack...as well as a severe migraine.  I went home on Thursday morning and slept most of the day.  That evening, I started feeling bad again.  My mother was still there, so she took me to the doctor, and I was admitted immediately to the hospital.  I had to have gallbladder surgery on Friday.  I came home on Saturday.  I have never experienced such pain in my life.  I basically cannot do anything for the next 7 days. My doctor told me not to lift anything heavier than a fork or a spoon.  I thought he was teasing, but he was really SERIOUS. So, I am just getting a few minutes on the computer.  I am not allowed to walk too much, or do anything at all.  The hardest thing is trying to explain to my littlies why they can't sit in mommy's lap.  I am still in a good deal of pain.  Please pray for a quick recovery.  I am really tired of hurting and feeling bad. 

It is so refreshing to remind ourselves just how much we are blessed.

I am Thankful for:

**My husband who doesn't complain when he walks in and KNOWS without asking that I have a migraine, and immediately drives me to the doctor. (which happened last night)

**My husband, who always takes the children out to his workshop in the evenings so I can have a break.

**For my husband who takes over at bathtime, because he really ENJOYS it!

Basically, I am just thankful for my husband who takes such good care of us.  I am guilty of complaining about him to others and the Lord spoke to me, and told me to LOVE and RESPECT him even if I don't agree.  So, with the Lord's help, I am trying hard to let him LEAD and to put him first in my life(with the exception of God being first).  And I so want to be a helpmeet to him instead of a disagreeing, nagging wife. 

I love this.  Most of the time we are too busy to stop and think of all the things, people, and blessings we have in our life. Hmmm....I am thankful for:

**My wonderful husband who works so hard to provide for our family.

**My mother, that she lives close by and is able to be a Godly influence on our children. 

**Our home, that it is warm and cozy, and though small, a place I never want to leave.

**For my new friend, Tina(aka Bearingfruit), she encourages me and inspires me whenever we get together.

**For the wonderful ladies I have met on homeschoolblogger...that I consider to be some of my closest friends.

**That my children are home with me, and not under the influence of "peers."

**For the freedom to pray and worship anywhere I want without fear of being imprisoned.

**For my mother and father in-law, how wonderful they are with our children, and their kindness to me.

**For my Saviour who gives me the strength and hope to carry on each day!

What would happen if...we woke up and chose to smile in the morning instead of starting our day with a scowl?

if we chose to happily fix breakfast for our family instead of making them fend for themselves?

if we took the time to really listen to our children and look them in the eye while they are talking instead of "scooting them off to play?"

if we took a day "off" and just played all day and actually took that trip to the park we've been promising for weeks instead of saying "just go outside and play?"

if we treated our children as we would a guest in our home instead of a nuisance?

if we chose to dress pretty for our husbands instead of looking like we just rolled out of bed?

if we chose to REALLY support our husbands and allow him the time he needs to do his job, or even see his friends, instead of nagging about his spending time with me?

if we DAILY choose to die to ourselves to be a better helpmeet/wife to our husbands, and a better mother to our children?

What if we all choose TODAY to really take on a SERVANT'S HEART and serve our family through Christ.

I just got my fall issue of TEACH Magazine.  Did I mention that it is my favorite magazine?  The day it comes I can't wait for my house to be quiet so I can sit down and savor every article.  One particular article this month caught my eye.  It was titled "They Are Precious...Is Your Quiver Full Yet?"  It talks about wanting more children...and waiting on the Lord for His timing.  One quote really spoke to me...it said "I know that what I hear is truly from the Lord, He will confirm His will through my husband."  At this stage in my own life, I would love to have more children, but my husband does not.  Instead of being upset about it, I can choose to pray about it, and leave it in the Lord's hands. 

I was visiting someone's blog and came upon this clip.  Please go and check it out.  It was so powerful and so full of meaning.  I had tears in my eyes when it was over!  Here is the link: http://muchforgiven.blogspot.com/2007/09/powerful.html

This is written in response to another's reference of "Once saved, always saved."  While this may be considered a "calvinist" view, it is truly a BIBLICAL view from the Lord Himself.  There are so many verses that deal with how the Lord DRAWS us to Himself.  Predestination and Election are both mentioned several times in the Bible.  For example:

**John 6:44 "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me DRAWS him, and I will raise him up at the last day."

**John 6:64,65- For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him.  He went on to say, "This is why I told you that no can come to me unless the Father has ENABLED him."

**Romans 8:28-30 - And we know that in all things God worked for the good of those who love him, who have been CALLED according to his purpose. For those God FOREKNEW he also PREDESTINED to be conformed to the likeness of his son, that he may be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those he PREDESTINED he also CALLED, those he called he justified.

**Romans 9 14-18 - What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all!  For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion." It does not therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. .....Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and hardens whom he wants to harden. All of Romans chapter 9 deals with whom God has already chosen.

**Ephesians 1:4-6, 11. For He chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.  In love he PREDESTINED us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will...In him we were also CHOSEN, having been PREDESTINED according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.

**Ephesians 2:8-10 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast.

~I can truly understand how this might be seen as "unfair" of God.  But really, the ONLY thing that man contributes to his salvation is SIN!  All of us are sinners and deserve nothing.  God COULD have decided for us all to perish...that is JUST.  However, He decided to save those long before the creation of the world. He call us the "ELECT."  If we were left to make a decision to choose salvation, NONE of us would choose God, we would all choose sin.  Salvation is a FREE gift from God, there is nothing that we can do ourselves, including choosing God, to save ourselves.  I personally find this very freeing. God CHOSE me long before I was born. Read Psalm 139.  If it were possible to lose our salvation, or reject it, then it comes down to a "works-based" salvation.  And then there would be no need for Christ to die for us, if we could ourselves CHOOSE God. 

I want to give everyone who has been praying a final update on my father.  I went with my mother on Sunday to visit him at the nursing home.  He was heavily sedated and wasn't responding to anyone.  While we were there, an older woman came in whose husband shared a room with my father.  She said..."I need to tell you...your father became a christian.  He IS saved.  I just needed to share that with you."  She said that she had talked to him about the Lord many times.  One of those times, he told her he had been SAVED!  I truly believe that kind woman's words were a gift from the Lord to us, knowing that he would be in heaven.  

(This is my father)

The nursing home called me early this morning and said things were getting pretty bad.  I got up, threw on some clothes, and drove there as fast as I could.  I knew in my heart he would not live through the day.  I spent the morning talking to him and telling him how sorry I was for not coming to see him more often.  He was by now in a coma, his breathing was quite shallow and labored.  I kept bathing his face with a cool cloth, and continued to talk to him all morning.  The nurses were all so kind...they even found a Bible for me somewhere.  I read many passages of scripture, most of them from the Psalms.  I don't know if he could hear me, but I like to believe that it was comforting to him...it was a comfort to me as well.  It was so amazing to me how the Lord used that time to comfort me through His word while I was trying to bring comfort to my father.  It's a memory I will always cherish.  My mother and sister-in-law came after lunch.  I had been sitting beside him and suddenly noticed his chest had quit moving.  My family left to find a nurse...but by the time they had returned, he had started breathing again.  I stood there, holding his hand, and through my tears I told him to fly home.  And then he stopped breathing...it was so peaceful, and I could almost imagine God Himself welcoming my father home. The time was 1:45pm. It was the first time in my life I have been so close to the edge of eternity.  I am happy to say that my father is finally home.

I wanted to give a quick update on my father.  On Monday night, my SIL called me to tell me he had taken a turn for the worst and they had called the preacher in.  It was around 10pm and I was already in bed, but my mother came and picke me up and we went to see him.  I just can't even describe how bad he looked.  He is only 61, but he looks like he is 80 years old.  We stayed until around 2am.  He is still hanging on, but it is truly a downhill run.  He has a mass in his lungs along with pneumonia, he has aspirated several times into his lungs.  I appreciate everyone who has sent messages saying they are praying.  I still don't know if he is a christian or not.  I know our pastor and one of the elders from our church prayed with him on Monday night.  I am planning to go again this evening to see him.  Keep praying!