Jun. 16, 2009 - Balance Training, Discipline, and Joy

  As a past public school teacher, disciplining and training 28 children for six hours a day, and a mom of six children (today under thirteen), I have found it really important to balance training and discipline with joy. I have by no means "gotten it all together" or anything, as I still have to stay on my knees in prayer for daily problems that arise, but I hope to bless someone today with what I have learned from my experiences and God's guidance.

   I remember teaching 28 children each day for six hours. The job is enormous and hard in a culture of me-ism, self indulgent children mixed with many neglected and abused children. I knew that no school preparation prepared me for what I would experience (some schools could only keep a substitute teacher for thirty minutes). The system seemed doomed to fail. However, there were a few teachers who did thrive and do well. I knew that I needed to learn from those who I could see were so effective and loved by their students. I spent many, many hours asking permission to watch other teachers in their classrooms before I had my own classroom. I kept notebooks full of all the things I learned from observing. One general thing that seemed to run as a common thread was a balancing of discipline and joy.

   I learned that those teacher who were most effective made their rules and expectations clear with the boundaries established from the beginning. They had discipline for those who broke the rules. They were very consistent in the consequences, not allowing the children to whine their way out of them or act out a temper tantrum. They would even put an entire first month aside to do nothing but this. They made sure to focus on the relationship with the children before they tackled the academics, perceiving the academics as less important than the discipline and respect. They also made sure that they had a lot of fun. They made sure to laugh with aloud readings of funny books, fun craft projects, games, act a bit goofy at times (being a kid themselves to play).  These teachers often gained the respect of the children, and were often nominated as the favorite teacher in the school, although they were also known as the strictest. I suspected that they were Christians because of their behavior, so I really think their credit goes to God. I also think these teachers learned the basic necessities of of balancing the discipline and training with joy, through God's wisdom. I still appreciate what I learned from these teachers because I apply those same basic principles of discipline and joy with my children.  How does what I learned in balancing discipline and joy apply to  home?

   I have learned that a home is not a happy home when children don't have boundaries. Although there are times when rules have to change and be flexible for different reasons and seasons, in general there should be clear boundaries and expectations for children. There are times when I have done poorly at this (when my health hasn't been good) and times when I have done well. Children need to know what is expected of them. For our home it is that they are to be up with their teeth brushed, clean clothes, and chores done (weekdays this has to be done by 8:30 and weekends by noon) For your home it might be different times and different expectations. The important thing is that the expectation is clear and the consequences are given without lectures and emotional entanglement (speaking from past failures and successes in this).  I have, in the past, failed in trying to talk too much after the infraction of breaking the rule, which has hurt their hearts, the best results are to give with a quick consequence. In short, expectations and boundaries are clear and consequences are given quickly and consistently Mom should never wait to deal with it later. Children are happier when they know what to expect.

      When do your children get alone time with you, or do they have to demand your attention all day to get it? If children know that they get to look forward to alone time with mom once a day at a scheduled time then they won't be as demanding during the day (especially toddlers). Just as you might do a date night with your husband, make date times with each child. My oldest daughter and I do a teen bible study (Parables co.) and a morning walk before anyone else wakes up. My toddlers do best with me meeting their alone time with mom in the morning when they first wake up (and the older children work on their independent studies). Just sitting on the floor of the room and playing with Mighty World or Polly Pockets fills their love tanks. Find your child's love language and meet it doing something together. Make sure to schedule it in. If each one knows when they get mom time, it is easier for them to hold off with the need for attention at the wrong times. You can do this in many ways, I combine mine with the children having a prayer journal in which they write secret notes to me, and I respond (written encouragements or needed listening time later during our alone time). Joy in the home happens when we put aside our busyness and put our children as a priority in the day. But, don't forget dad.

    Do your children have their hearts knitted with dad? Do they have to demand his time after he comes home exhausted from work? If you put aside the time in dad's day then the children won't overwhelm him when he gets home, demanding his time. Ask him if he will put aside an hour before the children's bedtime or an hour after he comes home from work to spend with them. Have a time for him to establish a routine with the children, whatever time he chooses and then ask him if he will commit to it regularly. Joy in a home happens when the relationships with the children and dad are healthy. Dad also needs one on one time with the children. Ask your husband if whenever he goes on an outing to the store, if the children can take turns going with him. Ask your husband to share his home projects with a child (my oldest son loves to help dad with his home projects such as working on the car or something). Let dad decide, with the childrens' input, what to do.  Set times and stay consistent. You will be amazed at how this cuts down on any fussies. And, the fussies steal the joy in the home.

   Do you have a problem with the fussies? Do you act happy or grouchy during the day? What is the tone of your voice? Being overwhelmed and feeling unsuccessful will kill your  joy. If you don't know where to start in examining why you feel grouch, write down your self talk during the day (the conversations that go on inside us). This will help to pin point what makes you feel so unhappy, and without joy. Our attitudes reflect what is going on in the inside. If  we are trying to just do too much all the time, our attitudes can get sour. Trying to driver here, do six loads of laundry there, while we are also trying to do the bills and make a meal will overwhelm. So, make a schedule or routine for yourself   I know  from my experiences that keeping myself on a schedule helps me not feel like a failure. When I finish the time (not the actual job) then I am done until the next scheduled time. This relieves the pressure, and this helps me not feel as much like a failure in the never ending laundry pile. Don't have unrealistic goals to get everything done, but just be sure to do a certain portion in a certain time frame. For instance, take care of the bills on a scheduled afternoon will prevent you from getting edgy or upset with the children for interrupting an important moment on the phone or writing the checks.  Try to keep errands on one day (not always possible, but the effort pays off). By making all plans in advance, such as: doctor office visits, music lessons, library visits, you won't  wear yourself out with running around in an exhausted state. Exhaustion kills joy. So, make sure you are on some type of schedule. .

      Do you get so busy that you forget to just have fun with the children? Discipline without relationship will steal the joy in your home. In order to remind myself, I schedule in a time to use an idea from the  "I love you jar" (like pajama day in which I announce that no one is to get dressed-we do school in our pajamas; funny hat day-the kids thought this was a hoot; school at the park, bake cookies in afternoon,desserts for breakfast, swimming or bike riding with mom after school work is done, etc.). A little bit of spice of unexpected puts joy in the home. I have, at other times, done this with my index cards. Regardless of which way you choose to organize,  the scheduling helps so that the spice of fun doesn't get put off because of busyness.  In addition to scheduled spicy activities, be sure to schedule, or create routine with a  family time, including dad (playing tag outside, reading aloud books...). Do you give your children a time of rest from all the fun and activities?

     Children can get overspent and exhausted just as much as we moms can. They also need a time of rest individually and as a family? I sometimes give the children unexpected breaks when I see them a bit tired. I also give them scheduled breaks within their school time. (This is easier to do with the homeschool tracker because I can print out their schedules each day with scheduled breaks for reading or playing piano, etc. times. The computer does it for me). What about a family rest time? Do you commit to a routine time of rest?  We have recently, as of this year, put this time aside because we kept putting it off, unfinished work ran us exhausted. Exhaustion will kill joy in your home. Now we have a specific day as our sabbath. We don't do any work on this day. We just rest and play with one another. However, when we didn't schedule this into our time, establishing it as a routine, we became too busy and put it off because the labor never seems to end, and those needy things would scream too loud.

    What are your interactions with your husband like? Do you get a case of the grouchies with him, or an unpleasant tone with him? It is easy to get so busy with the children that a husband and wife can overlook each other's needs. Schedule in a romantic time together to go to a Family Life conference to learn about each other's love language and communication building. Put time aside when the children go to bed to put a puzzle together, play a game, do a paint by number set, or work on a project together. Keep the tv off. The tv is a relationship killer and joy killer in the home. Go to lovingyou.com and get some ideas to romance him and feel special. Set aside a weekly date night when you go out to a coffee house, bowling, or something.

     Do you feel like you can't do this mom thing? Trying to balance it all can be overwhelming. It is a hard job. Give yourself a break, emotionally and physically. Give yourself a break emotionally by understanding that God doesn't expect you to get it all perfect so you shouldn't either. God gives us things that require us to seek Him on our knees. So, be sure to make sure to set aside some time to talk to him, be inspired by His Word, and get answers from Him on how to solve your problems at home. Open your bible and read Nehemiah chapter three. Nehemiah's task to rebuild the wall was so enormous that his enemies laughed and mocked him. Yet, he knew his source of strength in getting it done and done well was relying on God. He completed the impossible because he learned to rely on God. God knows your short comings. It doesn't scare Him. He isn't caught off guard. Perhaps, you  have scoffers like Nehemiah. Know that your weaknesses and shortcomings only give room for God to show his glory through you just as he did with wall building. When the scoffers scoff and ridicule you know that God is using you to show Himself big. But, don't forget to give yourself a physical break. If our bodies are worn down, it will be hard to have joy in your home. Schedule several breaks a day several times a day. Read a good book, take a fragrance shower in the middle of the day, drink a cup of tea and read your bible, knit or crochet.  This refreshing time will really help to have joy in your home. It will also give you a strength to stand against those scoffers.

    Lastly, to keep joy in a home, make sure that you don't allow your children to talk in wrong tones to one another (respect toward one another should be demanded by mom), don't allow bullying of any kind (physical or verbal), and teach the children scriptures which show correctly putting other siblings before themselves (selflessness, kindness...). I have never allowed bullying in my classroom, and my children know I don't tolerate it at home. It is a very serious infraction in our home. This is partly due to my bad memories of other children being bullied in public school when I was a child (I will never forget the girl in fourth grade that was bullied to tears). Because this is so important to me, my children don't fight because it never gets that far. I stop it at the wrong tone or wrong attitude with one another. As Jesus says, address the heart. If you do this it will never get to the aggressive physical actions. Your work in this area will give peace and joy to your home.  The fruits are well worth the work, tolerating bullying will steal joy in your home.

   A neighbor girl approached my nine year old daughter to ask her if she fights with her brothers. My daughter was horrified. "Why would you fight with a brother?" The girl said she always fought with her brother. My daughter was aghast. She ran home and told me how horrible these words were to her. She wanted me to explain why the girl would ask such a thing. She wanted me to explain why the girl would hurt her brother by fighting. Why would she ever consider fighting with her brother?  This really upset my daughter because she didn't see it in our home.  Although, my daughter does have experience with a difference of opinions with her siblings,  she is expected to respect her other siblings differences (and wrong tones are not permitted-they find ways to work together or do different activities). Grandma and grandpa saw the fruit of the children, and they would brag about the childrens' peaceful interaction so much to my husband's sisters, that we had to confront them, thanking them for the kind words but requesting them to  refrain from talking about how peaceful our children worked and played together because it was causing bitterness and anger with my husband's sisters. So, in short, if you work hard in not allowing bullying and correct interactions, the fruits and rewards are really well worth the efforts. If you work on this, you, too, will enjoy the rewards. If you have struggled in this area, just confess to your children that you want to ask their forgiveness - that you have neglected this area and tell them how you want to change it. Put the clear new rules down and don't focus on anything else for a month (push aside all other things to make it a priority). Children respect parents when parents are authentic and honest. I have, so often, and regularly, confessed my sins of selfishness or disobeying God's word to them, asking them to forgive me. Children are more able to imitate what they see.

    
Here are some additional resources you might find helpful:
 *The Joy of Training by Michael Pearl dvd (I don't recommend the book but this dvd is excellent).
*www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com
*www.titus2.com
 *Lies Homeschool Moms Believe from www.familymanweb.com).
*bigoven.com is a great way to keep your family meals organized, freeing up your time (mine is on my phone and refrigerator ready for grocery store).

God bless you all,
Missy

Comments