Sep. 17, 2008 - A litte bit more.
Well since I appear to be okay with sharing things I guess I can get into a little more that hit me last night.
My uncle Alan died in a car accident at the age of 24. I was 9. We had just started going to church and my faith journey was new and exciting. Then my life was thrown for a loop with this loss. He was very special to me and it just seemed so cruel. I realize now that I blamed God, at least a little. Yes, I tried to think positively, that this was actually right or good. But reality was that it hurt the people closest to me and the pain was excruciating.
It will be 18 years this November. I realized that I have spent the last 18 years of my life desperately wanting to trust God but being absolutely terrified of doing so. You see, what if I trust Him and then lose someone else? "His will, His plan is perfect" and all that. Well what if His plan involves my pain?
Yeah, what if. Like I'm the only person in this world who has pain. I can make a list that's quite long of people who are suffering more than I ever have.
God's only Son died on the cross for me! Hello! He had no sin yet He took on mine and everyone else's. Talk about pain! I can't even bear my own sin much less the sin of the rest of the world.
I have lived the last 18 years of my life in fear. I feared losing my parents or other special family members. Then I met Dustin and I feared losing him. Then I became a mom and feared losing my children. Is there a greater pain than that? I can't even imagine. But God knows.
For the first time I actually asked God to take that fear away. It doesn't come from Him and has no place in my life. And where most nights I would be kept awake thinking about the what-ifs of tragedy, the things I would do to spare myself, the things I would do to help the situation, I let it go. Really let it go. And I slept.
I woke this morning to a new day. And I know that I will face fear again. But it won't, it can't take a hold of me like before.
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Documenting and sharing our lives and the fun we have in the midst of the craziness.
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