By now - anyone who checks in on me - knows I'm an emotional girl.  A fact that I hadn't really admitted to myself until a friend said it out-loud.  I hate it and do my best to conceal it in my daily life.  But sometimes - God gets hold of that quality and won't let it be.  Without the emotion on the surface -  I am competent and self-sufficient - not exactly where He wants me.  So some days and in this case, weeks, I'm left raw.  All the tears welling, the feelings barely veiled and the cry stuck in my throat.  Crying out to God - "why? I don't want to, pick someone else, I can't."

I keep thinking it will pass - coaching myself to buck-up, saying to myself  "just keep your head down".  But everything is overwhelming - school, laundry, disciplining, dinner.  In the last week I've found myself just wanting to sit and stare into space.  What does that mean?  I'm tired?  Maybe.  I'm more inclined to think it means I'm out of God's will and His holy spirit is out to set me straight. 

Being a perfectionist, people pleasing first born - I can get off track mentally - but still make sure that the outside looks acceptable.  Which is why - I'm certain - that for God to get my attention He allows my insides to turn upside down.  I've always thought hormones were God's ace.  What starts out as a simple case of PMS can turn into something else completely. 

So what did God say - inquiring minds all want to know.  He said, I love you.  He said, trust me.  He said, focus on the basics, the fundamentals.  All through our conversation I kept thinking - "I know you promise an easy yoke - but this one doesn't feel easy"...I think I had on the wrong yoke. 

My heart has been grieving for our country and the our future as Christians.  I feel so passionately about raising warriors against the culture and that responsibility (that I put on myself) gets very heavy.  It was that self-imposed pressure that was festering inside.  It was that yoke I was wearing. Who did I think I was?  Only God knows the plan.  Once again I was reminded that I'm not "the plan" only part of it and I cannot have any part unless my will is in complete submission to Him.  He reminded me that I am just a child - too foolish to understand and that I had better just stick with what I know.  With the help of Job and Jeremiah I was set straight. 

I'm still raw.  Sincerely, I want to stay that way.  I don't want to these open wounds to heal because then I start to rely on my own wisdon - which obviously has led me astray more than once.  How on earth did Noah do it?  Follow God's words day in and day out for 40 years.  He didn't know the plan.  He looked foolish.  He wasn't praised for how smart, prepared and organized he was.  And still he kept on - building.  There was no visiable fruit to his labor for so many years.  Easy to see how he was the only man God wanted to save.  Yes, there are very few Noah's in our world today.  Can I, will I, be a Noah?