By now - anyone who checks in on me - knows I'm an emotional girl.  A fact that I hadn't really admitted to myself until a friend said it out-loud.  I hate it and do my best to conceal it in my daily life.  But sometimes - God gets hold of that quality and won't let it be.  Without the emotion on the surface -  I am competent and self-sufficient - not exactly where He wants me.  So some days and in this case, weeks, I'm left raw.  All the tears welling, the feelings barely veiled and the cry stuck in my throat.  Crying out to God - "why? I don't want to, pick someone else, I can't."

I keep thinking it will pass - coaching myself to buck-up, saying to myself  "just keep your head down".  But everything is overwhelming - school, laundry, disciplining, dinner.  In the last week I've found myself just wanting to sit and stare into space.  What does that mean?  I'm tired?  Maybe.  I'm more inclined to think it means I'm out of God's will and His holy spirit is out to set me straight. 

Being a perfectionist, people pleasing first born - I can get off track mentally - but still make sure that the outside looks acceptable.  Which is why - I'm certain - that for God to get my attention He allows my insides to turn upside down.  I've always thought hormones were God's ace.  What starts out as a simple case of PMS can turn into something else completely. 

So what did God say - inquiring minds all want to know.  He said, I love you.  He said, trust me.  He said, focus on the basics, the fundamentals.  All through our conversation I kept thinking - "I know you promise an easy yoke - but this one doesn't feel easy"...I think I had on the wrong yoke. 

My heart has been grieving for our country and the our future as Christians.  I feel so passionately about raising warriors against the culture and that responsibility (that I put on myself) gets very heavy.  It was that self-imposed pressure that was festering inside.  It was that yoke I was wearing. Who did I think I was?  Only God knows the plan.  Once again I was reminded that I'm not "the plan" only part of it and I cannot have any part unless my will is in complete submission to Him.  He reminded me that I am just a child - too foolish to understand and that I had better just stick with what I know.  With the help of Job and Jeremiah I was set straight. 

I'm still raw.  Sincerely, I want to stay that way.  I don't want to these open wounds to heal because then I start to rely on my own wisdon - which obviously has led me astray more than once.  How on earth did Noah do it?  Follow God's words day in and day out for 40 years.  He didn't know the plan.  He looked foolish.  He wasn't praised for how smart, prepared and organized he was.  And still he kept on - building.  There was no visiable fruit to his labor for so many years.  Easy to see how he was the only man God wanted to save.  Yes, there are very few Noah's in our world today.  Can I, will I, be a Noah? 

It has been a year since I started this blog.  I've obsessed over it at times - wanting it to look cute and fancy - but that passes.  What I enjoy most is the connection - and that connection has been what drew me to the hobby in the first place.  I have a few friends - I enjoy making quick comments to those I visit and love to see these quick comments on my blog as well.  I have fleeting thoughts that I should be a more frequent visitor to blogs but - those guilt riden thoughts pass quickly as well.  I should have more guilt about not having a meal prepared for my husband at the end of the day.

I have a handfull of irritations nipping at my heals this week - and honestly, every week.  But - no need to whine about them.  Why bore you - you've got your own troubles nipping at your heals.  So, I'm sitting here trying to think of something interesting to write. 

I don't think this is interesting  - but here are the facts:

• Here in the mountains of No. Cal. the smoke is thick and expected to continue for two months - so much for clear blue summer skies.  But, my God is still Good!
• My 16th Wedding anniversary is this weekend.  This marriage and man saved my life from perpetual (un-necessary) drama.  We have an alone weekend planned - and my God is definitely Good!
• We will be starting our 8th year of homeschooling next week and I am even more excited that I was the first year - althought a bit tired already.  And still - my God is good.
• I have couples in my family falling apart - I pray, I counsel and still - heartbreak continues.  I must have faith - and know that my God is good.
• My estranged father has been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and I have no idea if we will reconcile - ever.  But my God is good - He gave me a man that will never leave me or my children. 
• Our company is facing lay-offs in the next couple of months, forcing us to upset more than one family, but again - God is good. 
• Close family members suffer from serious disease.  We pray for healing and doctor's wisdom - and tell them - God is good.

Despite all the heartache that surrounds us - I feel the goodness of God.  I see times He has protected me and the times He has allowed suffering in my life.  I am not called to question His timing or purpose - but simply to be obedient to the task He has laid before me.  I love the command for obedience because it is so simple.  I understand it well because it is what I ask of my children.  "Just do it"  - Nike didn't get it completely right.  It should be "Just do it, now, with a humble and happy spirit."  Sadly - sometimes I only accomplish the "do it" part and am a little slow in reacting and certainly lack the happy spirit.  But I'm working on it.  I was reading today about Saul.  I shook my head at him and then looked in the mirror and shook my head at myself.  90% obedience is just not good enough.  As always in these moments - I'm so thankful for what Jesus did for me.  I have been spending some time thinking about the areas of disobedience in my life.  Still working on that too...

It is that time of year - where much of us go quiet on the blogger front - including me.  We are enjoying family visits and getting ready for the County Fair.  We start back to school in just two weeks - as we are taking the leap to year round school.  I think we are all looking forward to it.

I spent much of our brief break preparing my curriculum.  I also wrote our Philosophy of Education.  Here is what I came up with.  I believe it was important for me this year to determine exactly what our purpose is before I could choose curriculum etc.

Rainbow Academy Philosophy of Education

RED:  A CHILD’S HEART.  We believe it the parent’s responsibility to shape a child’s heart.  We take literally, Proverbs 22:6 which advises us to “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it”.   Further, we believe in the literal application of Deuteronomy 6:5-7 which tells us to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength.  And these commandments (the 10 Commandments) that I give to you today are to be upon your hearts, impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you get up. “

ORANGE:  A CHILD’S ASSOCIATIONS.   We believe whom a child associates with matters – especially in the formative years of youth.  2 Corinthians 6:14 instructs us to “not be yoked together with unbelievers.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?  Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”    Also, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.”  Proverbs 13:20

YELLOW:  A CHILD’S JOY.  Education should not be joyless.  A love of learning is essential to a lifetime of learning.  “Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”   Ephesians 6:4. 

GREEN:  SOURCE OF ALL WISDOM AND KNOWLEDGE.  As a Christian family and school, we believe that all subjects, issues, and topics should be evaluated and tested according to scripture.  “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.”  2 Timothy 3:16-17

BLUE:  CHARACTER IS WHAT MATTERS MOST.  Anyone can be well-educated – but what we do with that education is based on our character.  Each child has his own path via formal education, vocational training or entrepreneurial pursuits.  All are acceptable to God if done with honor and right character.   “But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor.  Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work.” 2 Timothy 2:20-21

PURPLE:  CHRISTIAN HERITAGE & SERVICE.  Regardless of how the world is living-our Christian heritage must be passed on to each generation.  “I will make Your name to be remembered in all generations.  Therefore the people shall praise You forever and ever.” Psalm 45:17.  Also, always remembering, “you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;” 1 Peter 2:9

The photos above were taken on Saturday at Lake Tahoe.  We live just 20 miles from the lake and get to enjoy its beauty often.  Saturday was unusual because there was virtually no wind.  I took these panaromic shots hoping to piece them together in a scrapbook - but thought I'd share with you all first.  The shades of blue were amazing.  The pictures start at the south side of the lake and go all the way to the north. 

I wrote this poem this morning after my walk.  God is good.  Enjoy this day.

Worshiping with Giants

Before the morning light

reached the cool earth

I walked among the forest giants

Their structure and form

a visual example of a Christ-filled life

in this mountain-top museum

of God’s Perfect Design

Each tree so different

I delighted in them all

seeing myself in each shape and style

but drawn to the tallest, highest and most majestic of these

The worshipers swayed with exceeding grace

and their voices whispered beautiful praises to their Creator

How I longed to join them – and I did

As I walked - their worship

drew me in deeper -

I dared not turn my heart and eyes away

understanding God had a message – a reminder

Just watch them, He said.  Just watch.

With each gentle sway I understood

to grow taller and dance with grace –

deeper still must my roots be

As the sun touched their tops and their shadows extended I knew

to reach wider –

longer still must I drink from the Living Water

What truth they told-

His words

His thoughts

always evident to me when I look and see

His way for me

is not a mystery

Today the sun in shining - the air is warm - the birds are happily singing

I'm sitting at the table after lunch - procrastinating cleaning up the kitchen.

I can hear the kids playing outside - we are a very loud family

Soon we will get in the car and go to swimming lessons

My mind is overflowing - planning our Homeschool Leadership Meeting for tonight contemplating who will come forward and serve next year - wondering what God will Do.  There are never enough willing volunteers and yet He always provides.

I'm wishing I could sit back in the sun with my homeschool books and plan, plan , plan.  Alas, it isn't so.

The to-do list for the week looks like this...Swimming Lessons, Leadership Meeting, Baseball Game, AWANA, Co-Op, Youth Group, Music Practice, Haircuts, Insurance Renewal for Work, and...I'm sure I left somthing out.  But it will come to me eventually, probably 10 minutes before I'm supposed to be there.

The delayed gratification of time to plan our school upcoming school year - should make it all the more sweeter when I finally settle down in my wonderful patio furniture, under the umbrella, sip iced tea and make notes to my heart's content - Googling unit studies and researching library books until my fingers go numb.

My husband is right - he married a NERD.

In each year of our homeschooling journey - our focus has become more and more refined.  We began with the simple, yet worthy purpose to protect our children from the cruelity of other children - and selfishly, to avoid long hours of homework during our precious evenings.  A good start I suppose, but from where we started - God had a long way to lead us to His final destination - a place on the map called "Obedience".  Who were those two selfish and immature Christians?  But, my mind could not have grasped Gods plan back then.  I've had to wander the desert following His Cloud and Smoke in order to understand His purpose.  I am saddened, yet so thankful - that through homeschooling, the truths of the Old Testament have been revealed to me so I can teach them to my children and perhaps their purposes will be discovered in their young lives so that they can be momentum in of the revival in America. 

This revelation of who we are as God's children has caused me to gradually dump my ideas of what home education looks like and turn to God for the truth.  In my seven years of homeschooling God's plan for teaching my children the truth has been shown to me in this order - sometimes gracefully and others with a thump on the head:

1. Textbooks, Workbooks and other "packages" are not God's plan for my family
2. Pagan holidays and other customs should not be part of our curriculum or a focus for our family.  Yes, we still celebrate Christmas - but Santa , the Easter Bunny and other holiday characters have been virtually erased from our home and school.
3. Government has no place in our homeschool or in raising our children.  After a two year stint in a homeshool Charter school - we went back out on our own, rejecting money and guidance.  This act was not painful because we lost financing or guidance - I was quite happy to be rid of both of those "monkies" around my neck.  What hurt tremendously about rejecting the Charter school was that it required me to step out on my own - withouth the support of my friends and social network.  My actions were controversial and considered by some as abandonment and even, fanatical.  Who knew I was a fanatic?
4. AWANA is not a substitute for Bible teaching in the home.  Shocking, I know. 
5. Bible Teaching must be the core of our school.
6. Bible Teaching must be the core of our school.  (It took me a couple of years to fully understand what this meant for our family and while I might understand it now - I'm still executing it.  No easy task!)
7. I love history and all the opportunities it offers our family to do "projects" - but these projects can (in some cases) be considered a celebration of things "not of God" - humanistic in nature.  I must carefully evaluate all we do - and ALWAYS tie it back to God's word.  If it does not reinforce what God is teaching us through our Bible training and education - then it is not a worthy project.  I must refine our History studies even further. 
8. Science has a bigger role in our school that I thought.  I confess, I hate science as it is presented in traditional school.  The focus our school systems places on science is a celebration of man's knowledge and I have found it disgusting and thus rejected it.  God has shown me that teaching Science from His perspective is worship and essential for us to understand who we are.  It is a key part of our Christian foundation, but in my home it must be taught entertwined with the Bible.  I must bring the study of science captive under God's word.  Having done that this year - with the help of Considering God's Creation, I am ready to jump in deeper.  This is a very exciting part of our school now.
9. Character Training is paramount.  This is the ONE that I am most disappointed I didn't learn first.  If I had understood how important this is and DONE it, my homeschool and home would be so much more peaceful and pleasant.  My one great consolation is that through my trials - I can teach young mothers "what not to do".  I was so anxious to start "school", that I neglected to shape their characters in that moldable time.  Granted, I have younger children and more chances to do it right - but bad parenting habits are hard to break.  I am not without hope - or God's grace.  I will press on with character training.
10. And the tenth thing God has brought into focus during these seven years is that education for educations' sake is not our purpose.  Our mission is to raise Christians of character who are obedient to Christ and His call to serve.  Certainly, as parents we must educate our children and prepare them to serve in whatever capacity He has for them. But their character and foundation is my priority. 

To be honest - I have no idea where exactly God is leading us as we prepare our children to be independent and self-sufficient.  I do know the promises God gives - for following Him - so that is what I will continue to do. Follow Him - eyes wide, ears open and hands lifted high.

When the world creeps in - with talk of college prep and credits and all that - I can begin to doubt.  Can I really train them God's way and prepare for them a transcript worthy of college application?  Yes. Yes.  I've seen it done - and He promises!  Not in so many words - but the verse that comes to mind first is "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jer. 29:11 

I recognize that while many people totally get what I'm saying and came to this conclusion long ago - many do not.  I would hope that by sharing the path God has lead me on I have not judged anyone else.  God reveals His plan to each of us according to His timing.  May you have peace if you are where God has led you - and if not - I pray that you seek out His will for your family and your homeschool.  This is a journey. 

The past months my heart has been too full and my schedule even fuller.

The days seem endless and yet - I've struggled to create order and schedule.  I stay home and still my heart and mind is not focused on my home. I have come to the realization that I have gotten off track.

I (re)learned recently that I could probably be labeled a Melancholy-Choleric.  I am an organized homebody with administrative and leadership abilities which drag me out of my home - then I like to complain about it.  I'm learning that often we are gifted with two things that seem in conflict with each other.  This in itself seems to create the perfect situation for God to draw us near and keep us reliant on Him.

As it is for me.  So what is the secret to joy?  How can my melancholy spirit feel the joy I long for?  It is so simple and still I don't see it for many days sometimes.  He offers me joy in the music that delights my soul and in the nature all around me.  How do I go for days ignoring such things?  When I find my way back to His fellowship I rediscover these tokens He has offered me.  For some these tokens may be the fellowship of other believers, the sharing and the relating that reveals God's love for  us.  He speaks to each of us in the language we understand intimately and deeply. 

I am sometimes embarrased and ashamed about my personality makeup.  Sadly, I have been influenced by someone who taught me that this inner conflict between the cheerleader and the dark brooding artist equated to being insincere and fake, that those two contrasting personalities in me meant I wasn't being real part of the time.  How could that be? 

I must learn and know the truth.  God created this in me.  It is not a punishment or a flaw - but the gift He has given to me to reveal His glory to others and to minister to my person, my inner being.  Through my melancholy He speaks to my soul and through my choleric He (may) speak to others.  He is a God of order and balance - and I am living proof of that.  So are you.  I see it in my spouse and children.  I see it in my closest girlfriend as I watch her personal struggles. 

Delight in it.  Embrace it.  Being someone who has always shied away from conflict - I understand that avoiding conflict here on earth is no good for us.  Even if there is no external conflict - such as relational conflict - the inner conflict almost always affects us or we are ignoring it.  I don't know anyone who doesn't have days or weeks when they don't struggle within themselves to balance.

So my lesson today - I cannot eliminate the conflict - but balance it.  As if I am walking a tightrope - God has given me the pole for balance and provided the net underneath me.  All I have to do is walk - be obedient and BALANCE.

May God bless your day - see Him everywhere -

for He is everywhere!

The children and I are studying Ancient Greece.  This study would not be complete without a discussion about Plato who believed and taught that education was essential to a productive and sustaining society.  Of course Oprah preaches this same thing but without any seeming regard for WHAT the education is.  I've always struggled with this idea because so much of what our universities teach is contrary to God's truth.  I have not been able to reconcile the value of an education with the poison of evolution, humanism and other lies taught in the halls of academia. 

But when I started thinking about Plato's beliefs from a Chrisitan perspective I was able to see the truth of it.  If we educate our children in the ways of the Lord, teach them to evaluate all things through the lens of the Bible - they will be more able to free themselves and their society from tyranny. Especially now as our country is in the grips of a moral crisis - education is the key.  We, as mothers and teachers, hold this key. 

I have had the great pleasure of hearing Christian Worldview speakers, Mark Beliles of the Providence Foundation, Dr. David Vaughan. author and Marshall Foster of the Mayflower Institute. These men talk of our Christian heritage and all believe that homeschooling is paramount to that heritage being restored. 

So it was very exciting this week to have God use Plato to reinforce my convictions.  And surprising - I don't agree with Ms. Oprah very often even if it is only partially.

I'm always puzzled and amazed at how God has gifted us so differently and yet - deeply we are still all the same - His children.  Why this is so bewildering to me - I don't know.  Perhaps in my mind it is difficult to understand how God can take all His unruly and undisciplined children with so many different gifts and talents, sins and burdens and stir it all together into something that gives him Glory -  because I can't seem to stir together my four young children and come up with much more than a few good hours of peaceful cohabitation each day.  It just goes to prove how our human minds cannot understand God because of the original sin. 

Why am I pondering such a thing?  Today a freind shared with me how God had been revealing Himself to them.  Ways that just don't happen to me - if you know what I mean.  I don't get woken up in the middle of the night and I don't have an hour long prayer session with God full of tears and songs of praise.  I don't doubt my faith or my relationship with Christ - I was just so...like I said puzzled.   I know the answer to the "why" we are different -  but it just didn't seem to satisfy my ponderings.

But today as I was returning home from dropping my dd off at Youth Group a song came into my mind - "Spirit of the Living God".  I have not heard or sang this song in more than 10 hears.  I have not thought of it.  But the words came flooding back to me like yesterday, like a breath from heaven - full of reassurance and rest.  Words that reminded me that I can ask for the Spirit of God to fall on me and He promises that He will.  I know that like the song asks - God is and will continue to mold me,shape me, fill me and use me.   The ME is key in this song - because it means He will mold ME specifically, with the raw materials I am made of. 

The Spirit of God is evident in my life - but Satan does try to use our humanness against us.  Our quest to understand and be like God via any other method than complete obedience and child-like faith will only prove to be a risky endeavor.  Satan's traps are disguised and he almost got me.  The enemy almost side-tracked me from thanking God for blessing and edifying my friend.  He almost did...But not quite.  God breathed on me and reminded me of the TRUTH.  So thank you God.  Thank you for the blessings in my friends life.  Thank you for blessing me with the privilage of helping and mentoring this friend - even if their relationship with YOU is looking different than mine.  To God be the Glory.

. 

I love my husband because he never tells me only what I want to hear.

I love my husband because he always challenges me to LIVE my faith.

I love my husband because he allows and supports me in being a mother and a teacher to my children.

I love my husband because he sees the real me and likes me anyway.

I love my husband because he seems to want to talk to me and have me be part of all his life.

I love my husband because even after all these years, he can still surprise me with something I didn't know about him.

I love him because he never points out my bad habits or critizes me. 

I love him because he smells really good. 

I love his arms and hands.  Just seeing him hold our children or stear us down the road can give me shivers. 

I love God for giving this man to me.  I am so blessed - I do not deserve this man here on earth, but I am so very thankful and try to tell him so each and every day. 

Why do you love your husband?

Here on earth we experience so many different types of families.  Our natural families, extended families, our work families, our church families and now even our blogging families.   But with these family relationships that can be so wonderful and fulfilling, there too, is pain and disappointment.  In the moments when my heart overflows with joy from these family relationships, I can only begin to imagine the sense of peace and security that will overwhelm us in Heaven.  In heaven, those awkward family get togethers that can be so uncomfortable, will  be no more.  All the sin and disappointment that drags down our love for one another will be gone for ever.  I have such hope for that future.  I am so awed that He would prepare this place for me and then provide a way for me to get there.  I just want to dance for joy and sing.  "I can only imagine when that day comes and I find myself standing in the SON."  I will dance for you Jesus!

I am so tired.  It's not even the school year yet and I'm wooped.  I had a baby last November and he is just starting to get the best of me.  I commented to my dh that I know why God gave us a fourth child, it was to keep me humble.  I did three sort of easy (compared to this)- and now all bets are off.  I'm on my knees everyday, just praying to get through it joyfully - and at a minimum, pleasantly, with no yelling!

Ah, but today.  There was some yelling.  My ashes.  But my son forgave me and made me lunch.  He is 8.  That is God's beauty.  I offered something so ugly, and God offered me His beautiful grace through my Jake.  I don't deserve it.  I am so thankful for it. 

"I'll trade my ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown.  Come in to kiss the feet of mercy.  I lay all my burdens down...at the foot of the cross."

Hopefully, tomorrow my crown is firmly on my head.

Heidi

Do you ever have busy days ahead and wonder how you will get through them?  I do, and with four children these moments seems to come more and more often.  Where are these rests near peaceful streams? 

I need a date with God.  In my mind It would go  like this. 

There is a stream that flows down a gently sloping hill.  Cottonwoods and pine trees line the edges of the clear water and tall grasses and wildflowers creep around the trees and rocks.  There is a large boulder near the bank and sun is flickering through the trees.  The tinkling of the water is just loud enough to be heard and there waits a man or what looks like a man.  His back is turned, but there is no tension in his posture.  He's just waiting.  Not skipping rocks, not humming a tune and not checking his watch.  I realize this is my DATE, He is waiting for me. 

Jesus is always there at the banks of the refreshing waters always ready to hear my stories and heartaches.  I need to keep this date more often.

Duuuh!  I wonder now why I haven't applied this daydream to my quiet time with God.  I have so much trouble tuning out the world, but I imagining myself with my Savior, my date,  in the situation above would do wonders to get my mind focused on HIM.  

I can't wait to meet Him at the stream tomorrow.

Family has begun to decend upon us today for a small scale family reunion.  My house is clean, dinner is over and cleaned up, the kids are playing outside and I've been left alone, wow!  What a treat to be left to myself and I'm not even avoiding something else I should be doing.  Baby Jess went to bed with only a little fussing.  God has something special for me to enjoy - because the evenings don't normally happen this way.

Ah and there it is...this evening we have "purple mountains majesty".  The shades of violet and lavender are striking, yet so gentle and peaceful.  The sky is slowly drifting to sleep for the night, as the light fades away.  Drowsy sky - that's what it looks like. 

Thank you God for this wonderful display of YOUR majesty.  The heavens do declare....

Heidi

I've wanted to do this for so long and I've finally jumped off the cliff.  It is so scary to wonder if anyone cares what you have to say at all.  But the potential to hear and be heard far outweights the risk.

Having lived in the same town my whole life the concept of being the new kid is one quite unfamiliar to me.  Growing up I was nervous and scared every single first day of school - I clearly don't like unfamiliar situations.  And I hate looking like I have no clue what I'm doing.

Confession...I have no clue what I am doing.  It's going to take me a week to figure out how to put a scripture verse on my blog site.  Lord help me!

Heidi