I know, things have been down on my blog lately. There's has just been so much heartache that I needed to type out of me.
Through all of the heartache, life continues on, though. And sometimes life is just fun.
Fun, like Iben running! One of the bigger children will say, "I-guy, I'm gonna get you!" They don't even have to MOVE towards him and he starts giggling and running away from them! When they DO chase him, he runs around and around in circles - lauging and laughing. The chaser usually gets a good laugh, too. 
Or how about life is full of love.
Like when my 4yo wakes up and comes looking for me to snuggle! Oh, what a precious time. I know a day will come when that boy won't want to snuggle mama as much - so I'm storing these moments in my heart. The 3yo does the same, btw - comes hunting for mama when he wakes up for a good snuggle. Iben, even! Not just upon waking, though. Iben had been known to attack anyone's knee at any given moment with a great big bear hug!
Life is dancing! 
I only have a few songs on this computer. "technologic" and the sanctus real songs listed below are a few. The kids especially love "technologic" - they ask for it REPEATEDLY. Then they dance! Yes, ok, I dance too! lol Much to M1's horror. It seems that the most horrifying thing for an 11yo is for her mom to dance! 
Yes, the floor's a mess! We'd had a "great" day with all sorts of fun! Iguy especially liked ripping apart a newspaper! :D
oooooooooor is it for her mom to share on her BLOG a picture of said 11yo wearing the 3yo's underpants ----- ON HER HEAD!!! (and YES, I told her the pic would be posted. she said, "I don't care" we'll see! lol)
Life is full of playing dressup.
Now, I know I'm not exactly up to standard on current fashion trends and all, BUT
I'm thinking hoop skirts went out a while back. Someone should mention that to m2? nah, if we just turn off the A/C it'll go back to being a normal skirt again! :D
Life is celebrations.
M2 just turned 8. For now, I have two 8yos. Do you think she likes her bday gifts?
OK, S1 says, "enough, mom!"
Abi's life is being symbolized by butterflies. They released butterflies at the gravesite. Each of the sisters were given a special butterfly necklace. Rings, talks of a tatoo (for mom!), window decal for the van, etching on the gravestone.
It's all beautiful. The butterfly is a beautiful creature. They've always held a special place in my life. Usually as a symbol of how life can be a struggle but we're changed by it and the hope of a bright and beautiful future for us.
I still hold to that. It's from the metamorphisis the caterpillar goes through. The 'ugliness' life can have, the cocoon of transformation, then fight to get OUT of the cocoon and the beauty to soar afterwads.
A MOMYS posted a poem she wrote onto Abi's CarePage that has added to the butterfly's meaning, to me, in a wonderful way. I hope she doesn't mind my posting it here, credit is fully given to her.
Butterflies are beautiful creatures
Though brief their lives may be
They only have a few short months
To fly and flutter and be free
Our lives are like the butterflies
We don't have long to live
So we must make each moment count
And see what we can give
We should focus on eternal things
That's what really lasts
Our lives will soon be over
And all opportunities past
So when you see the butterfly
Think how short your life will be
Use you time in a wise way
Make your days count for eternity
by Pam B. True
OH, Pam, I love your poem. Thank you so much for sharing it!
I'm trying to find my own way of coping with Abi's death. I'm not going for a tatoo - I'm way to chicken of needles. But, a butterfly is certainly called for, don't you think??? I gave C2 (my 6-year-old) a necklace with a butterfly pendant yesterday. And I'm thinking I will look for a decal for our van. Not only to remember Abi. But, to remember to always pray for the Futterpeople. and, as a reminder of how short life is and to make my days count for eternity.
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I had a most sorrowful dream last night.
I dreamed that my S2 had died. He's 3-years-old. I dreamed that we were grieving so deeply for him, yet having to do the business end of things. Choosing a casket, gravestone, etc. Weeping, how could I think straight to make the best decisions? The sorrow was so deep that it is still hanging about me now - and S2 has had a great lot of loving today!
But, my dream didn't end here. As we were doing this 'business', S2 lie dead, on a bed, in the same room. The TV was on and a TV evangelist was preaching (I never watch those!). The evangelist, in a manner that only TV-evanglist have, is hollering, "I say, RISE UP, ye are not dead!" and S2 DOES! He sat up, groggy, as if he'd been sleeping a deep sleep and was awakened suddenly.
In that 3-year-old way of talking when still partly asleep, he says, "mama, I want to run with the butterflies again." Shocked that my dead son has 'awakened' from the dead, I dunno whether to believe it's real, a dream or that it was temporary. The TV says, "it's true, God still DOES work miracles today, just believe." I was loving on my baby.
I remember nothing else about this dream. But this part was so real, so... I dunno. I have no idea what it means, but feel like it surely means something VERY important! Like I said, it still has me affected now, hours later.
Well, perhaps I should start by letting you know that I enjoy all music genres. There are some that I don't like as WELL, but I can enjoy a little of everything.
And tonight I came across this band Sanctus Real. The sound is pretty nice. But the words - I love.
I'm going to adopt this one as my motto:
"I'm Not Alright"
If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess
Im not alright
Im broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when Im open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, Im not that strong
Im not alright
Im broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...
Im not alright
Im broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you
Im not alright, Im not alright, Im not alright...thats why I need you
OK OK OK
and as my "sub motto" I can have this one:
"Eloquent"
I'm as eloquent as an elephant
I'm as headstrong as the Mighty King Kong
On a rampage throwing airplanes
I can't believe you haven't gone away
I am difficult, argumentative
I'm as thick skulled as the dinosaur bones on a display in a glass case
I can't believe you haven't run away
[Chorus:]
It must be different through your eyes
Because you look at me like it's the first time
That you've ever seen my face
I'm preoccupied with a crowded mind
I get off track like a train rolling back to the future
Never too sure who'll be here when I come back around
But I'm finding out
God was so good to me. I'd been saving up money to have gas when such a time came that I would need to travel to Knoxville. But things got bad enough that I *had* to spend it on the "now" and not the "someday soon". That was a difficult day for me.
Anyway, God had a plan that I didn't know about at that time. There was a MOMYS in a neighboring county that wanted to go to Abi's funeral, but didn't really want to make the drive alone. Tisa put us together and the ride there and back was full of fellowship and kindred spirits getting to know each other.
We got lost a few times - ok not *lost* exactly, but we missed an exit and weren't sure of other turns and such. So, when we finally figured out that we were where we needed to be, we considered getting lost again. We did not want to actually DO what we'd come to do. We did not want to lay to rest such a tiny soul.
If you want to read up on Abi, who she is and how all of this came to be,
Tisa has that information on her
CarePages site. You do have to sign up for a free account with them. But Tisa's strength, faith and God's grace to her through Abi's year and a half battle with brain cancer is well worth signing up to read!
We went into the funeral home and walked through all the pictures on display. Abi's vibrant smile, or was that Kit's? No, no, I'm sure that's Abi and that one is Kit. See, my darling friend has been blessed with five wonderful daughters. 8yo, TWO 6yo, 4.5yo and a 2yo. Abi and Kit make that "two 6yo" part. Doubly blessed - twins.
I hadn't noticed Tisa anywhere, but knew the time would come when I would find her. I turned from the pictures and saw Scott, Tisa's ex-husband and father of those five wonderful girls. I gave him a big hug and asked how he was doing.
Why do we do that? Isn't that like a great big "DUH"? How was he doing? He was burying his 6yo daughter - how did I *think* he was doing? HE didn't say that. He said he was doing ok and i told him he was lying. I asked where Tisa was, but didn't go in there yet - she was down on the very first row.
We went to see the other girls, playing in the playroom. Life goes on, even with the absolute most devastating of deaths. I was ready to find Tisa.
She was there, still - right on the front row. I'm not the type of person who will walk by the casket to view the body, you know, how they have you do that? Well, I usually try to leave another way, or go by quickly while staring at the floor. BUT, when I went down to hug on Tisa, I looked over at sweet Abi, who had the peaceful appearance of perfect sleep. And, Tisa told me later that she thought I was going to melt on the spot, in with Abi was the quilt that I made for her.
Tisa thought that Abi would want to be snuggled in and reminded of friends who loved her. You can sorta see the quilt here:
Here's a picture I found of the quilt before the binding was put on. It shows the whole thing.
In the center square, each of my children wrote Abi a message of love and encouragement and prayers. I dunno, is this feeling I have about that "honored"? I feel honored that she would lay Abi's body to rest with love from us? I am most certainly deeply touched.
The service was very emotional. I have never attended services for a child and I do not wish to ever repeat the experience! Afterward we went back to T's home and visited with her and the girls there. She is doing well and is so strong - only prayers to give credit for that. Kit, Abi's twin, is having the hardest time with Abi's loss. Becca, the older sister, hadn't cried until yesterday. The two younger girls dont quite understand at this point.
They played three songs throughout the service: "You Are So Beautiful", "Your the Inspiration" and "I Can Only Imagine". The Edgar Guest poem, "A Child of Mine" was read. http://sofinesjoyfulmoments.com/quotes/aChild_OfMine.htm
and their pastor spoke about heaven and compared life to the growth and change of a butterfly.
When they played, "Your the Inspiration" Tisa ran up to the casket and hugged Abi, stroked her head, loved on her like a mama would, and sobbed. At this point, the whole entire crowd joined in the sobbing.
At the graveside Tisa read Abi's verse. It is a Bible verse that she memorized from the onset of her battle with cancer and she recited it every night at bedtime. Psalm 103:1-5 Then, the family released butterflies to symbolize that they were letting Abi's spirit go to heaven.
Tisa has a friend who is a photographer who did AMAZING photos for them, some of those are what she has on her site. The photographer put together a photo montage of some of these pix to the song, "Streets of Heaven" by Sherrie Austin. We watched this back at the house and made it through it without tears (barely!) ....until....
Kit asked for it to be played again. Tisa started it up and turned the volume down so we could talk. Kit was not happy with this, so it was suggested that she move closer to the TV. Tisa then goes out to get Scott so he can see it too. As the video played, Kit stood at the TV and touched her twin's face on the screen. And I couldn't help but start the crying all over again.
When Tisa and Scott returned to the room, the movie was restarted. Kit's 'moment' had passed and she wasnt too happy with the interuption. I was then the honored lap that she chose to curl up in. I got to just sit and hold her as she cried just a little, and then was melancholy as the video played out.
See, the day started out with her not remembering who I was! How could she not know someone who loves her so!!!??? I know, I know, she's 6! She remembered that I'd visited her school with my girls, but admitted she didn't remember *us*.
But now, she knew me well enough, or knew she was greatly loved? and curled up in my lap.
I asked Melea, the 4.5yo, if she would marry my son, Stephen. She's adorable, but a stinker, too! She told me "no". No reason or anything, just "no". Her Daddy said, "no way" b/c he doesnt want his daughter married to a hillbilly's son. See, that's his 'loving' nickname for me. Sweet, huh? LOL
Rejected by Mea, I tried for Zoe. After all, being married to a girl almost EXACTLY your own age might bring some unnecessary troubles, right? and Zoe's just 2 yrs younger than S1. But, Zo-zo can't talk much yet and I'm sure she didn't understand what marriage was. And, her Daddy said "no" again. I told him I'd just talk to Tisa about that!
Stephanie and I had a safe trip home. Both of our dh's had done well while we were gone for soooooo long (and she more than I!). As much as I wish that the trip hadn't been needed to begin with, riding with Stephanie made it a good trip - the traveling part anyway.
I could go on and tell more, but I'll stop, this could become a really long message. Please remember the Futtermans and their extended family in your prayers. It is so hard to come to terms with the death of a child. It could be easy for some of them to hate God because of it. Pray that the exact opposite will happen! Tisa has some family that so desperately need Him - pray this will help them find the Way. Pray especially for Tisa's mom, Kate, she's not only having to cope with the death of a granddaughter, but her mother is very ill at the same time.
If you get a chance, you should certainly read Tisa's three posts about the memorial service on her
CarePages site. She's my hero right now. A perfect example of how God carries us when we can't carry on ourselves. And how he grants a peace and strength that no one can comprehend.
Please just ignore/look over spelling and grammar errors. I get in too big of a hurry or am too tired often times. Sometimes I see these mistakes and fix them, sometimes I don't see them. Sometimes I see them and still don't fix them! Just overlook that part, please.
and, it just sunk in my brain just now that i live in EASTERN standard time. *sigh* lol.... EST. In my brain I *know* it's eastern, but when i've been writing it I've put "PST". *sigh*
