my dear Kayla, today u made me laugh and laugh!...

it was yr 1st day of gym today and u were so excited. u wore yr  *superfast-runniing-shoes*, and ran on ahead of us. we were abt 5-10min's late so e class had already started. u joined rt in, but missed out on the trampolining. u didnt seem to mind.

u asked me to stay by u, so i hung ard e edges with Aunty L, who's 2 kids were also there for e 1st-time. we were asked to move to the side soon after, unlike kynan's time (when mummies cd be nearby for a while until e kids setlled in).  you seemed to be doing fine though, and were trying to follow the rest as best u cd.  :)

as i went to e side of e room and watched from afar, i cdnt help but smile and laugh at yr sweet bungled attempts. yr arms and legs just didnt seem to be doing what u wanted them too!...flopping here and there... and then when u thought u had cracked the side-kicks, u carried on trying so hard until u just stood in 1place doing the same thing over and over... while everyone else was way way ahead. u weren't bothered at all... u just kept on trying and trying, and smiling broadly as u persevered.

the teacher did her best to help u along, but u were ever-so-shy, either looking down at yr feet, or smiing sweetly, obviously still not qt knowing what to do!  i cd only chuckle to myself. kynan says he watched u do e hopping, and u apparently went across the room on 1 leg both ways, without even putting yr other leg down until e end.  well done my girl! i's so glad there's something u find easy!  i noticed too that yr able to stretch yr legs wide, and u werent particularly perturbed when e coach stretched u further and helped u into the froggy position.  u lay there quietly for a full 15-20min while she went ard the rest of e class...

the bridge, shoulder-stand and hand-stand proved to be way beyond what u thought u cd handle :)  u were just too scared to give them a go. and u told me later that u were none-too-pleased when the coach tried to hoist u higher in the air to help u along.... "so scarey! so scarey!" u apparently called out... then hurriedly attempted to rt yrself to a 'safe' position.  :)

at break-times u were still full of smiles though, so it seems u secretly enjoyed the challenge?  the only negative comments u had were to d with the attitude of some of the other kids.

complaint 1:

-"mama, one of the kids called me a bad name."

-"what did they call u?"

-"pigeon!"  

complaint 2:

-"mama, one of the boys said something nasty to me."

-"what did they say?"

-"they said i eat poo"   :(    (u gave me a sad long face as u told me e 2nd one again at bedtime...)

verdict?

-re the jibes: hopefully you'll learn which kids to stay away from. and if it gets too much, that you'll hv the sense to complain to e teacher.  

-do u enjoy e class?:  it seems u really r happy to finally be doing what kynan does. and when we went to granny's after, u spent a good half-hour showing us what u all did, and how u did it, and how the teacher corrected u this way and that. u talked non-stop my dear!...chittering away as u pranced back and forth across the livingroom in a giggly & playful un-coordinated style. ;)  it was a true joy to observe!

my dear kayla, may you enjoy the new challenges you will face, and as time goes by, it is my hope that u will make many new good friends along the way.  your mommy is so happy for u, always near, and loves u dearly...

our kitten is growing up fast, and is now in the habit of wondering further and further during his night-time strolls. a few nights he has not come home at all, inspite of my persistant calls. so he got locked out, and we sent a search party out in the mornings... always to find him a few floors up or down.

my son commented that he's around the age of a teenager now, so perhaps he's gone to find himself a girlfriend ;)

well, last night he stopped out again, and we searched and searched. this morning we spent an hr searching, then called it off when our class arrived. then we went out for another hr after they'd gone home in the afternoon, fanning out further. still no success.

"he's gone for good!" kayla kept remarking.

"no let's keep looking mama," my big boy interjected. we called our throats hoarse, but still there was nothing of our darling to be seen nor heard.  i commented that he'd mb gone into someone's home and been locked inside/ or maybe taken care of by someone kind, and chosen to live there instead.

kynan added that perhaps he'd gone back to his mother for a while. then one day he'd leave her and come back to us again... i thought that was sweet.  so i explained how sometimes God just gives us friends for a little while.  that they come and go in our lives. mb we'll see them again 6months or a year later, or mb never again... but the times we had with them were happy and to be remembered...

Kayla said wistfully that she loved Tiger very much, and that if he came back, then she'd carry him and give him a biiiiiiig hug. "he's my kid," she added. :)

so we went off to a late-afternoon class, quietly resigned to the fact that he may never come back :(

none-the-less, we came home after dinner and i searched our block again. no success... so e kids went to bed, praying that God would watch over Tiger, and that he'd meet kind people to feed him...

once they were asleep i resumed my search... heading back to e same spot where we found him all those months ago. along the way i found a cat who looked just like his dad (but a friendly one, not the wild one we'd suspected)...and back at the playground i found a friendly female cat who we think is his mum, as that's where he was abandoned.  but still no sign of Tiger.

after circling our block twice and softly calling his name, i finally headed back to our flat, having given up hope. at e end lift i looked over e wall, peering into the darkness and praying he'd come home.

something pale on the grass caught my eye as i walked along.. some rubbish i thought, or perhaps a rock i'd not noticed beforey... but i didnt really give it a 2nd thought. i walked back to our door and took one last look over... no sign of any cats, but did that white rock/rubbish in e distance just move slightly? in e wind?... no wind!... bingo!...can it be? i rushed to e lift, hoping it wdnt disappear into e thicket of trees. it didnt!

"Tiger!" i called hopefully... e rock came running and meeewing like he'd been gone a year!  he'd not eaten in ard 30hrs, so was ravenous...and thirsty too! and boy did he keep up with that meowing!... he walked around and ard e house making such a racket! i didnt know if he was happy to be  home, or askng to be let out again!  but i was rather disturbed that he mt raise the sleeping household...

2hrs later he's finally settled down, purring and sleeping on a cushion on my lap.  his head and front paw gently resting on my free arm.  my prodigal son has come home...

daddy says u must be locked up from now on... but i cdnt do that to you!

now can i trust u not to stray so far again?...silly cat, hiding in the trees like that!

today i went to ikea with an old friend. and for e 1st time e kids stayed in e playroom with some mates while i went ard w J. it took me a while to zone in, cos it just felt so odd being 'alone'.  anyhow, it turned out to be a pleasant outing, and an enjoyable lunch too. 

i luv window-shopping for the home... it awakens my idea factory and gets me itching for change... i found e large shelving units oh so tempting, but just too pricey for us.  J ponted out a delightful multi-drawered vanity unit too. (fab for all my indian jewellery to lay nicely inside!)  "a belated birthday gift darling?"... now shd i ask my hubby?

today's purchase was simple: 2m of nice organic green fabric.  u see my dear kynan has been wishing aloud for a while "how nice it wd be for that wall to be green, mama. now we dont hv to paint it, but if we cd somehow make it a bit green, then it wd look even more like a jungle in here!" that's him speaking of his bedroom btw ;)

so now i hv the green fabric, all i nd are some hooks to hold it in place... a job for another day.

on our way home we passed by toyogo, and i spotted some fake grass. it was a novel and versatile home-decorating item i thought..., so i pondered on it while looking for some plant paraphernalia for myself.

while i was checking the aisles, kynan quietly did his sums and told me "that if 1pkt cost $2, and if we took 4pkts, then it wd cost us $8....and cos there were 2 large squares in each pkt, then it worked out to only $1 per square!"  i was rather bemused at his calculations, and qt impresed too.  we've not done multiplication like this.  so although *i* found $8 qt a bit too pricey for some fake grass, i went ahead and bought it anyhow. rt now he doesnt know why he got that grass. one day he will :)  (so long as he doesnt progress to complex multi-million dollar sums in the meantime! ;b)

once home, i got staright to work... i put up a padded 'headboard' at e side of ky's bed... somehing i've wanted for a long time (a spare slim covered mattress actually :))  ...and covered it with a green fitted sheet.  then i changed him to a sturdier mattress from off the old bunkbed.  he wasted no time in laying out the new grass squares on his interest table and e top of his bookshelf, then proceeded to decorate them with a dinasuar & palm tree, a crocodile, snake, turtle, and other creatures preparing to do battle with each other. :)

once his room was 'complete', i set them down to dinner and gave instructions to go straight to bath after. then i delved into kayla's room and the big clean-up began! it's bn messy way too long, and i didnt see it properly until i got back from ikea. she deserves to sleep in a presentable place, with things where they belong and space to move about in. since kynan moved out, he's done a pretty good job of keeping his new room neat and tidy. but poor kay has a much much larger space, yet i was expecting her to do the same.

it's hard for her to keep all her "baby' soft toys and dolls organised... a mammoth task in fact... + when she plays with her doctor's set, dollies' dress-up clothes, baby blankies, etc, they somehow all get tangled into 1 big heap on her old cot.  then when she wants something, she jus digs in and fishes about for a while... mixing it all up a bit more!

well tonight when she went to bed, some order had come back to her realm of make-believe.  i've cleared the old bumper-strips and linens from e top bunk, and shifted the rainbow up there. so it's now a secret play area (which is what kay wanted it to be for when her friends come around).  the cot (day-bed style) has gone up against the curtained wall, for ky to sit on during storytime...with the other half stacked neatly with 'baby' animals and dolls.  now with the cot out e way, the room looks a whole lot more spacious... i didnt hv to move much of the other stuff very far. (the biggest job of e day, was single-handedly hauling down e heavy mattress from above my head and down to e floor w/o breaking my neck!)

now e kids' rooms are a little nicer, and i'm having itchy fingers to start juggling e living area...  :b

well, e head of e g/p clinic called tday. says he's checked out e ecg's and seems to him it's an arythmia, with an extra beat now and then. (i thought it was skipping a beat?) well, whatever... and he's told me not to count e funny beat next time i take my pulse. ;)

app it's ok to hv such, so long as it doesnt get worse when i excercise. so i'm meant to do my counting midway through one of my long brisk-walks? :b

anyhow, i hv to see someone at mt/a for it in e nxt 1-2weeks. app it can commonly be caused by anaemia, or thyroid malfunction. so they will do blood-tests for these. if they come back clear, then they'll do a treadmill test to see how it responds under stress.  (and i'm thinking to myself, "forget the treadmill...just hook me up to a monitor when e kids r throwing a tantrum or 2!" :)))

got e note in e post yesterday...kynan's got into kcpps. 

wander if our neighbour's grandson has too...?

am thinking there will prob be a few kids from our neighbourhood that he mt recognise there...

no, i'm not in love! ;) i'm referring to a fairground ride experience.  :)

i've always loved that ride: "e looping-star"/ or "e loop-the-loop rollercoaster")  ~e funny feeling u get when u go upside down and yr heart flutters and seemingly skips a beat...it's qt sensational :)

well, i'm having that rt now, but qt sick with it. (and no, i dont hv a rollercoaster running through my 4th-storey flat! (although i'm sure my ds wd love it if i did!!! :D))

i fell ill suddenly this evening at ky's swim class... with nausea and ky's sore throat. along with aching muscles, feeling really faint, w numbness down my left arm & tingling fingers.

it was so sudden, it really caught me off-guard. i'm just thankful dh had planned to buy us dinner and fetch us from e pool. i cdnt hv walked back otherwise...  at home i let e kids feed and bath themselves, then i read them a story, while trying to stop myself from throwing up.  once they were asleep & the cat fed, i went straight to lie down myself. it made me feel worse. so i got up again and sat about trying to distract myself with sms's etc. after midnight e price of e docs was higher... alas...!   but my lips and hands were tingling and cold, and my fingernails rather bluey-purplish.. and still my heart was doing it's funny turns... so i stirred dh to let him know i was off to e doc and he shd listen for e kids. he mumbled something to me, then promptly fell asleep again :)

at 1st e young doc on duty cdnt find anything up with my heart-rate (a newbie, looked no more than 18yrs :)) yet i still found it jumping inside me. when i asked how e numb arm/ blue nails/  faintness cd be explained, he was silent. then he asked if i had a heart history. fianlly, bingo, he queried whether i wanted an ecg... (err, yr the doc i thought... surely u shd be the one telling me whether it's necc or not?...  :))  duh!

well, it turns out e 2 long strips of ecg paper registered it skipping a few beats now and then. 'abnormal' he said. 'nothing urgent', but that i shd 'pls see a cardiologist to do a thorough check-up', and start again on my palpitations meds tnite (i had e meds from a prev time wen i thought i was going to hv a heart-attack ;))

i requested some throat lozengers on e way out. (that was my other problem as i'd run out, and i didnt like that raw feeling of 'swallowing glass'~ )  all settled... now to get myself home...

e dear receptionist was sweet. (an older lady who knows me from wen i take e kids at odd hrs.) she told me to go home and rest, and try lay up higher on my pillow to put less strain on e heart. she'll app call tmw nt abt e referral (mb try kkh women's clinic as ky's heart records are there rt nxt-door) 

dont know what to think about this whole thing  :-/  ...is it meant to be a wake-up call?

i've been neglecting my plants the whole of this year...

these r some of things that hv kept me bz:

-new fish tank to care for

-new prawns to settle in

-new cat to "socialise"

-holidays to plan for, enjoy, and recover from

-school

-sickness

-new paid-for classes

-more organised playgroups

-less time at home

it all equals less time to spend on the home. now housework can be done at night when all are asleep... but gardening is difficult at midnight/ 1/2am cos the lighting's very dim, and i worry about disturbing the neighbours... or being set-upon by our resident prowler. 

so my dear garden has bn looking sorely neglected. :(

but not anymore!...

the garden fair at suntec saw me buying some discounted items (a reward for going on e last day :))  i was hoping to get something that might attract the butterflies and sunbirds, but they were all sold out. so this is what we settled on, (based on price and availability).

-a bright pink ~ (....for some reason the name has just escaped me :b) 

-an orange hibiscus

-my favourite hdb landscape plant: a 'peacock bush'

-a lemon balm

-english oregano/ (or was it basil?)

-mint

they r all qt small but i am just praying they will survive and flourish :)  today i re-potted them, along with some of my old plants into large ikea bins (e colourful plastic variety). it's left my entrance looking pleasantly eye-catching! 

the next step will be to re-paint my formerly purple, now peeling ~orange door. it will probably e rainbow-coloured stripes. the kids are itching to help, (but i'm waiting for ky's asthma to get a bit better before i start sanding off the old paintwork)

tomorrow i tranfer e herbs to a pot of organic fertiliser and hope to serve some on pasta and salad for our evening dinner :)

today i went back to kynan's chool for nxt year... had to take dh's i/c and watch them type the info into e system. 

i was nonchalant about it. in fact, i had bn distracted by ky's fever all day, + a cranky kay.  granny came by half-hr before e system shutdown, ie to watch e kids while i popped out (ky too sick to walk there, so granny was a lifesaver!)

i was told there will be balloting for those 1>2km away from the school. we are less than 1km, so unless 30+kids register tmw (which is apparently qt unlikely), then kynan is in. i was somehow sad to hear that.

as i got out on e main rd i found tears running down behind my dark shades. it finally hit that i'm losing my little baby. he's my 1st-born.  still so special to me. still so fragile. how will they care for him? how will they manage his health in an emergency? i felt gripped by sadness and a sense of loss.

as i neared ntuc, i dried my eyes and got back to e tasks at hand. 

tonight when i told dh that he was likely in, i found myself telling him how i actually wished he'd not, so i cd still homeschool him. he brushed it off, saying he'd quickly find him another place.  b4 speaking again, i cd feel myself almost choke up, so i went back to my dinner and kept quiet instead. i love my babies so much...how am i going to let them go?!!!  God help me, time is so short...

*interaction 1*

-ky: 'mama, i'm not going to grow old."

me: "so how u going to do that?"

ky: "stop eating?"

*interaction 2*

-kay: "kynan's going to big school soon!"

ky: "no i'm not!"

kay: "yes you are!"

ky: "no i'm not!  i'm only going when i'm 7!"

kay: "ya that's very soon..."

ky: "no it's not!  it's only in january!!!"

kay: "that's very soon rt mama?"

me: "no it's not so soon my dear... he still has many months left with us..."   :)

-the Big Boy needs to hear from me that he's doing a good job with the little boy lately... that i've noticed his little attempts at bonding. :)  i need to be specifiic about what he's doin g right when it happens.  it'll build up his esteem, give him greater confidence, and make him realise that i do notice these things.  iit'll also show him that i trust him enough to let go, especiially during the tricky times. this is hard for me because i'm not used to him giviing a listening ear. :-)

-the liittle boy shows improvement with his tantrums. extra involvement from his daddy is doing him good! they are far less frequent and mostly shorter-lived. my 'homework' is to sit down with him each tiime when he cools down, and 'draw' for hiim/with hiim, the way he looks at those times, and how the people around him react (including kitty!). then i'm to draw a happy colourful picture of him happy and how his family wd react differently to him in that situation. (i havent needed to put this into actiion yet. it's bn almost a week)

-i asked about influences around him and in school next year... u know, how kids r attracted to certain personaliity-types. ii was advised to use the 2 teacup analogy... ie one with pure clean water and the other diirty. and how when e clean cup spends time within close proximiity of the dirty one, litlle by litle, drop by drop, the dirty water will be addded to my cup, ie through daily conversation, interaction... and 1 week/1month/1year later, my cup will be just as dirty as the other. so in fact i *have* become the dirty cup, and will be nclined to thiink and act in a siimilar manner.

-for mums haviing trouble discpliinng their children in a non-violent manner, ii hv been instructed to check out Aware's lades' groups, where such topics are dicussed in the presence of a guidance councellor. i have yet to check this out as i'ven bn tied up with oo many oher thngs... but its something i'd like to arrange for us mums who struggle daily/weekly with feeliings of anger.

yes, it's that time of year, and we'll soon be signing kynan up for primary1.

is he ready?  -he says he'll go when he's 20yrs old!

on a serious note, it's something we both knew would come to pass.  -he tells me, "mama i'm lucky i didnt have to go to school for so long... many kids had to go when they were still very little. but we cd do so much fun stuff. i've really been veeery lucky!"

just hearing this makes me feel even happier about what he has gained. not academics, but exposure to so many other opportunities.  i pray it will not stop when he goes to school... that we will not get so wrapped up in chasing grades, that we begin to forget about living.

he knows a bit of what to expect.

-he's experienced the kind of characters he'll have to deal with...a little taste of them at gym already. both the good and the bad. he's learned there to speak up to protect himself, and in defence of others. and when he cant do it alone, he's practising how to seek adult help.  i'm hoping these little trials will stand him in good steed.   -he tells me that if there's 1difficult character in gym, then he can expect a whole bunch of them to be in such a big class at school! :)  wise boy...

i remind him too that he's sure to find some good friends (and knowing him, i think quite a handful will end up being girls ;)) they bring out his sensible communicative side. :) the boys usually get together to do mock-stunts, compete, and generally boost each other's egoes. ;)  i expect we shall have many movie-nites, games-nites and sleep-overs in the years ahead, plenty for me to get to know them all.

any concerns on my side?

-strangely it's his health that bothers me most... there's app no medical officer at the school, so i hv no idea how they'll handle an asthma emergency. it will be scarey to leave him in the hands of young teachers with no experience. (especially if it's brought on by an emotional trigger, as that's when he usually refuses his inhaler)  in preparation he's just taken on e responsibility of administering his own puffs. this is more for when he's having asthma due to illness or envirnomental pollution... but i'm hoping he will learn to know his signs, and apply e same sense when his emotions come into play... a big responsibility for a little boy, but i see no other way (other than keeping him home of course...which wd be a whole 'nother ballgame)   so the best is just to pray that he grows out of these emotional outbursts before the big day... or that he learns to handle them in a better manner.

any other happenings to look forward to?

-kynan will get to choose his own schoolbag, which he's very much looking forward to!

-and of course, a new uniform! (the style of which he already says he doesnt like...that's the designer in him talking ;))

-and the job of gathering together his stationary, and underwear!!! he recently informed me that i shd pls ensure he has enough clean pairs on a daily basis! ;) the things they think about! :b

-a new task for me will be making school lunches... he's already joked that his will be looked upon longingly by all those who hv to go to e canteen.  he requests stuff like pastamania-type noodles, and mb some homemade pizza.  (better than the sandwiches i got 12 years of my life!)

-kayla's going to miss him. but i will be able to treasure some new 1-on-1 time with her. i think it will help to develop her confidence and her own special persona away from him.

-dh is going to hv to contend with a growing young man in the house...

-a whole new chapter for all of us! :)

i'm now closer to being 40, than i am to 30... scarey huh!

so how do i feel?

-i feel like our kids are still very young.

-like i have a lot more i still want to do.

-like i shd be taking better care of my health and what i put into my body.

-like life is not forever.

-like my dh shd play a more important role in my life, and i in his.

-that i shd be a good role model for e kids to remember.

-that i shd give back in what big and little ways i can.

-that i shd remember my past.

-that i shd actively seek e future for my family beyond this earth and beyond my days.

-that life is for living and loving, and growing, and experiencing... and sharing a hope.

-what kind of a legacy do i want to leave?... what legacy will be the future that my children inherit?

what will they remember of me?  a legacy of faith, of love, of joy, of peace, of kindness, of humility and self-control, of patience and gentleness, of a heart that is good. these are the fruits of this life that God has given me.  not money, nor honour, nor rank, nor power... for i cant put those to good use.  but what i can use are the talents that God has bestowed on me... it is my prayer that my hubby and the kids find theirs, and that they be blessed with joy and peace, and a sharing of love, as much as i have. 

-God's glory lasts forever, but i am but a seed in the wind...

so far i've never gotten ill at exactly the same time as dh or the kids... somehow my ilness always strikes after, if at all... this time was no different....

last week was my turn. we got back from east coast fireworks display very late... with kay sleeping in e car and then on_ straight through the nite, until 6am.

the result of not having nursed her to sleep, was for me a rather nasty bout of mastitis. it was with me for a week... pain, nausea, fever, redness, clear signs of what i'd been through before, but on the other side...

i didnt know this cd still happen to a mum nursing a soon-to-be 4-yr-old child. didnt even think i was producing enough milk rt now to cause engorgement or blocked ducts... very irritating. i was so sick of visiting docs for e kids, that i really didnt want to go through it for me.

so i decided to try get through it myself. ie save e antibiotics as a last resort.  i slept early and skimped on e housework, but my days were otherwise e same, no-one aware of e pain i was in.  i still took ky to his classes, incl gym, as we'd alredy missed a class when he was sick...so i didnt want to miss again and waste anymore $... e walk is usually easy, pushing e stroller with kay and e bags, but that day i nearly fainted halfway across e field. (was the sun really that hot/ or was it the fever i didnt know...)

all i can say is: thank goodness for pharmacies and e panadol i picked up on the way home... 

that night i was feeling so ill. i cdnt even eat. i bathed with e kids and they helped out. the milk didnt seem to be flowing very well, so i thought i'd have to resign myself to e fact that i'd be seeing a doctor e next day.  one last ditch attempt at fixing it myself: after putting e kids to bed, i took a whole cabbage out e freezer, sliced it, and applied e icy cold compress direct to e skin. an hr later i went to bed soothed. and the next day my prayer was answered... happily e red flush had subsided and i was almost painfree. hooray! :))

it's funny how we seem to have long stretches of good health, then suddenly a whole avalanche happens and buries us for a little while...

the last time e kids were sick was ard january this year. and that was for ky's headaches and racing heartbeat... it's thankfully been quiet since then... but lest we become complacent, God has just dealt us a healthy bout of ill health. :)

well, kay has had a tummy-ache for a month, and it may be pointing to a dairy allergy. so she's now in the midst of trying to modify that and hoping the problem will soon pass.

ky came down with a runny nose and cough after meeting up with some sick buddies. within a day he was wheezing, and by e 2nd morning, lying unhappily wilted on e sofa, too dizzy to walk. i thought it was his blood-oxygen levels getting low, but waited til after lunch to see if his inhaler wd kick in. it never did, and he only got worse, so off we all went to kkh...

along e way ky was feeling faint and threatening to puke in e kind gentleman's taxi.  we were whisked in to e red doors quickly, once arrived... someone helping push him in a wheelchair to e bed while i took care of kay and e paperwork. (poor kid, he was scared and didnt want to leave me...)  he had 3 rounds of inhaler there and by night-time still showed no improvement. 

he'd also stated puking, which was qt out of the ordinary. it was a young doc he saw and i noticed too late that the normal action plan had not bn followed.  his growing palour, dizziness, wheeze and vomiting really bothered me as i'd never seen him that bad b4.  i smsd some friends to pray for him, then called dh to come over and help with kay after work. together we saw him throwing up repeatedly...all meds, food and even water.

at 9.30pm i finally asked dh to get kay home and bathed. e doc wanted him admitted but dh preferred i go home and settle kay...going back later to admit him if necc. poor kid...we were finally discharged with a bag of liquid meds, none-of-which he cd keep down. 

later that night he was up constantly with his head in the bucket...his whole body racked with spasms as he cried and cried in pain and whooziness. i packed his bags at 1am and was ready to call a cab...only to realise he was too heavy for me to carry and too dizzy to walk.  so i lay down with him and prayed and prayed and held his hand, promising it wd soon pass, and we both fell asleep...  

and the next morning all was well!... still nauseaus and wheezing, but starving hungry!  a good sign indeed!  and good ole granny dropped by with prata, loads of 100-plus (and even lemon tea for me!...)  

as expected, 3 days after e kkh visit, kay came down with an unexplained fever which lasted a while...high at night, moderate in e day.. then after 5 days, it just mysteriously left... so strange... but the tummy-ache still lingers on...

i went and saw the counsellor just before our driving trip, over a week ago.

the kids waited alone in the reception area with some seaweed, paper, crayons, and a small bag of toys for kay. fortunately there was only one squeal from kay after about 40minutes, and i resisted going out to check on them. after a 1hr session i was very very surprised that they were actually still doing ok without me.... and after that session i came back feeling like perhaps something had clicked.

here's feedback for my own terrible memory to ponder on:

-kynan is angry and doesnt know how to express it.... well, that's plain and obvious... ;)

-he needs a male role model to spend time with him.

-he's apparently getting enough time with his mum.

-father-son time alone, shd be encouraged more and more.

-boys his age need to know from their mums, that even if their dad is too busy to be with them, he still loves them very very much.

-their mum must build up the dad in their kid's eyes, and make them feel loved and special. so even if their dad cant say it to them, they will still consistently be hearing it from mum.

-some dads were just not ready to be fathers.... even years down the line they may still be battling with  expectations thrown up by fatherhood.

-a boy *needs* his father. no-one else can be that role-model to him. a father should not treat a son with distance between them, like someone else's child, a colleague, or like he's his 'boss'. he just needs to give his son love...like a father. he needs to show him honest heartfelt love and care.

-work will always be there for a man, children will not.

-if a man has built up walls between himself and others, then those walls cannot exist between him and his son. he must little-by-little break them down and let his son see him as he is. he must be open and allow his son to come to him without turning him away. a child should not feel rejected by his father. if this is the case, then the older he gets, the less he will come to him... building more and more of a divide between the two.

-both parents shd look back at their own relationships with their fathers. if these were not as they wd have wanted them to be, then they have to heal their hurt and put it behind them. (the counsellor suggested that a parent wd do better seeing a proffessional than trying to overcome this with their spouse.)  they should look back at their own parent-child relationships and learn from them... like how they are affecting the way they are fathering their children now. they shd consider how they might want to do things differently with their own children, to have a better, more open, father-son/ parent-child bond both now and in the future.

-parents should aim to be the mother/ father they wd want to have...so that one day when they are older, they and their kids will not have regrets about their relationship.

-as a couple, they must learn to control their anger with each other. so that they talk through issues in a civilised non-judgemental manner, rather than becoming angry over differing views.  it's ok to have differing views and to express these, and to be heard and listened to. each person is an individual with individual needs. we cannot rely on other people for our own happiness and well-being. the same applies for the children.  we are each responsible for our own emotions.  our views dont have to be accepted by other people, but it's still ok and neccessary to express them. we should make ourselves heard. 

-and when people listen to what we want, we should also realise that it doesnt neccessarily mean that we will be given what we want... and that's ok too. parents and children can sit down, communicate their wants and needs, and even give a wish-list.   they shd listen to one-another and discuss which wishes can be granted, and how and when, and in return for what.

-kynan needs to see good listening and problem-solving behaviour in action through his parents.

-kynan has enough of talking, explanations and understanding consequences. he needs to know that he is being treated fairly, especially when it comes to displays of love and affection towards him and his younger sibling.  in particular, at this age a son is in need of affection, time and positive affirmation from his father.  as he grows towards him, looks up to him, and strives to emulate and compete with him, a son needs a father as a positive role-model.

-to encourage wise choices and kind behaviour, a simple sticker chart is used presently...  but we've been told to do away with negative consequences. ie the child shd not be allowed to choose a 'time-out', 'smack', or 'withdrawal of priviledges' etc as one of his options. instead, we should merely point him on the right track every time.  ie when he calms down, he is to:

a) tell us what he did wrong,

b) tell us what he will try to do if it happens again,

c) apologise to those he upset, immediately after the altercation  (whether with a hug, a pat, a kiss, sitting closely, or in words.)

*i have chosen to use the same reward chart and rules for the younger one too, so that the elder does not feel 'singled out'. this way they can also work towards a shared goal. they both enjoy the novelty of it, and it's working well...even for the younger one, which is a pleasant surprise.*

just saw an ad in last weekend's paper and chanced upon this new organic warehouse store at jalan pemimpin, just a little walk up from 'Moms-in-Mind'...

*Country Farm Organics Mart, 59 jalan pemimpin, #01-02, L &Y Building, tel. 64746887*

www.countryfarmorganics.com.sg

they get fresh produce in every thurs (bread rolls, fruit, veg), so go after 2pm if that's what yr after. otherwise, stock yr basket with noodles, pasta, sauces, flour, natural rocksalt, grains, pulses, nuts, oils, milk-powders, juices, kids 'healthy-times' cookies, dried fruits, honey, cloudy apple cider vinegar, brown rice, and plenty of other heathful whole foods. they even stock organic household cleaners, hygiene products, and one brand of gel-free 'organic' diapers. :)

i was selective with my purchases and came away with items mostly in the cheaper price ranges (some 30-50% off). check yr expiry dates and be sure u can consume the products before. i found the pasta/noodles, seeds, grains, pulses to be the best value. they come in simple packaging, often with cooking, serving guidelines & suggestions on e label. this makes it easier for one to try out new things. the package sizes are also just right for a family meal or two.  *some products bought in bulk from overseas, then packaged in Malaysia under the name "Country Farm" .

for an idea of prices, here's a list of what i came away with:

-brown rice beehoon (vermicilli) : $2.80 for 400g, Malaysia

-brown rice tomato beehoon :$3.50 for 400g, Malaysia

-organic spinach noodle: $3.20 for 250g, Thailand

-pearled white barley: $$2.60 for 500g, Finalnd,

-organic sunflower seeds: $2.40 for 200g, Inner Mongolia

-organic wheat bran: $1.45 for 250g, USA

-healthy times apl & cinnamon teddy-cookies: $7.00 for 2 boxes_150g  each (usual $7 p/p_expry 1mo')

-apple cider vinegar: $6.00 for 1 pint, USA

*carried away in 2 bags, with some free organic info/ reading materials thrown in.

i wd have bought more, were i not having to carry it all the way back home in 33 degree heat ;) nxt time i will make a bee-line for e 2-for-$10 jars of pasta sauces. (there weren't many left though, so i guess its a popular item... :)

verdict?

-if you shop carefully, definately value-for-money. by choosing wisely i was paying ard e same price for organic as i wd for regular items at ntuc. i'll definately be going back on a regular basis.

give it a try next time yr in the neighbourhood!

my little boy is going through a tricky phase rt now... Mr Nice Guy for a few weeks, then WHAM!... suddenly the darkest side of the dark-side is revealed...

he's a great kid!.... full of humour, and laughs, and fun stories, busying himself and his sister for hrs at a time... being creative and inventive, and sporty, and strong. but occassionally, something flips... if he doesnt get his way, he resorts to whining, and bawling, and cattawalling, and he can go on and on! and on!

-so here's the crunch! -  if we give in, he quits immediately, like nothing even happened! :-o but this is not the direction we want to go. we believe there are some desicions which an adult needs to make, and the tantrums of a 6-yr-old are not going to change that.... so we persist to try and find a solution...

-compromises? yes, they worked when he was younger, but not anymore. he wants to be in the drivers' seat 24/7. so any compromise he'll just refuse, merely continuing to demand what he originally wanted. or he says "whatever you want"/ "you choose." but when we do choose, as per his request, then he will still not follow through with it. ie he just continues his whining, crying, screaming monologue.

-if we stick by our guns reg e original issue, then he'll just kp whining and keep at it for hours (really, we've tried...)  and then he will just get more and more wound up, crying, sobbing, shouting, falling on the floor and flailing about. until eventually, he'll hv an asthma attack and need his inhaler... at which point he's so fed up that he'll refuse it, fight if we try, and get more and more breathless and hv more and more excrutiating chest-pains, and scream all the louder... at this point the only thing that helps is for me to leave the room.  it's very scary for me to leave him in this state, but there's nothing i can do to help him... i just hv to kp popping back until he's ready to quieten down and co-operate. (i hope!) and a lot of prayer goes a long way to soothe frayed nerves...

-another scenario.... if, along the way, we give in, but then go back on what we said, then the whole process just starts all over again... (foolish mb, but we were willing to try anything!)...even agreeing, (to get him to be quiet and listen), then stopping to reason about his foolishness. but he was not able to comprehend the gravity of his behaviour at that point. rather, he just persisted in doggedly chasing after his original want! which got us back to square one...a tantrum in full swing on the floor :(

-withdrawal of privileges, saying sorry, promising not to do it again... all are not lasting, even if he obliges at the time. we think we've won his heart. he prays about it and seems remorseful...but with time he forgets and does the same thing again a few weeks/months later....

-sending him to his room.... he wont comply and he's now too strong/ heavy for me to insist. if i try, he gets violent, both physiaclly and in words. so at this age, i know it's not e way to go. likewise for a smack to the butt. it just provokes him further, and makes him want to get even. (not the response i'd be after)

-you'd think it wd appeal to a kiddo's conscience if their mummy had had enuff and started crying...? nope...   he merely tells me "good, you can go cry all you want."  hmmmm.... so now i dont let it affect me.  i've learned to walk away and just ignore it.

-it's hard when there's another sibling in the house though. it's hard to continue with normal activities over the noise and distraction.   we cant leave tthe house to escape it... (at these times i wish we had a secret garden. )

-this last week or more, the younger sibling has started mimicking his behaviour :( and then treats him with anger and disdain after such episodes. another minefield...

-the turning point?  when e elder one used a clenched fist to physically harm me, that's when the repercussions of his behaviour finally hit home to Mr Jackal. finally all was quiet.  (the little one was shocked and scared. and dh was angry when he found out.)  and me...?... i set about with purpose, trying to find a way to teach one in his shoes, how to self-regulate his anger. some people call it anger-management, others say it's all about learning to control impulses.

-either way, there's a reason we cant always get our own way in life. we are not the centre of the universe. we live in a world of countries, with cities and towns and communities, and neighbours and families. we are a part of a whole. in our small part we mt not see e big picture.  so there are times in our lives when we have to trust the rules and guidance and wisdom of a higher authority. (eg.as a child, we cant be provoked to anger each time an adult tells us the way certain things shd be done. likewise, as an adult, it wd not be productive nor wise to be provoked to anger each time our boss requests something to be done in a way that's contrary to how we'd like it to be!)  we wd not make great progress in the classroom nor the corporate world if that were our attitude... we all need to learn to deal with these issues, and find effective ways to de-stress, or release the pent-up feelings we get along e way.... (and that goes for the adults too!)

i am optimistic that this is just a phase.... a part of growing...

i am learning and listening and discovering new ways to work through such phases in our lives...

after a few nights of very little sleep, i took e kids to granny for an early dinner and asked dh if we cd go out together. i think he cd tell i was rather desperate :) it's prob our 1st proper date w/o e kids, *ever*...

we ended up at Dempsey Hill... a gathering of eateries situated just up the lane from our church.  neither of us were in the mood for food (e prices kind-of put u off if y'r not prepared ;))...so we decided to walk around a bit. e places nr e entrance were mostly packed, so we walked on to a quiter part, gravitating towards a large tree adorned with blue and silver faairy-lights. beyond it was a garden setting, with little private nooks nestled among the foliage. further were some deck-chairs and a couple of babushka-seats rt at e very end. dh asked for those. i was glad.

it was great to just talk and catch up abt his work, and some new plans my side that may or may not materialise in the future. it was a warm clear night. we sat beneath a starry sky and hurricane torches flickered all around us.  there were no other patrons nearby. it reminded me of our early days courting. for just an hour the clocks had bn turned back to how it was 10yrs before. we appreciated each other for who we were.

little moments like these, bring us back to the rt track. it's like waiting and waiting... then a little spark comes when it matters the most. :)

it was a wonderful evening. we discovered a little treasure hidden where we'd least expected. and the staff, friendly and customer-centred were a bonus.  dh was happy as he got 2for1 bourbon coke (his old favourite), along with some tasty chicken-wings. i was pleasantly surprised with parma ham and melon, a longtime favourite from my time in the uk... a good 10-18yrs ago!...so there was no way i was going to let that go by without giving it a try! and it went perfectly with my  fruity cocktail :)

time went by way too fast...so off we rushed to collect the kids and get them bathed and whisked off to bed! what a wonderful wonderful re-union with my dearest.

jus discovered someone's bn tampering with our louvre windows.
they've forced 1pane of glass at my son's bedroom and another at the
living-room, until they cant close properly. my son's one was left
ajar tonight when we came home, like the culprit had been
interrupted.

i'm scared sh*tless to say the least. i noticed the livingroom
curtain was pulled strangely this morning when we woke up. it had me mildly concerned, as we always kp it well closed for privacy, cos our master-bedroom is opposite. 

then only tonight after smelling a whole lot of e neighbour's insence-smoke in my son's room, did i notice his curtain pulled crooked too. while trying to re-adjust it, i noticed that a window-pane had been forced open.  it seems the culprit had bn reaching in these 2 rooms and looking inside... even
had e sense to wipe his handprints off e glass. but left a dusty smudge.

i noticed the same messy wipe-marks on those windows a few wks back
but just thought the hdb painters had spilled something and cleaned it up.
also fingermarks in the dust on my entrance-hall windowsill for e longest time...like
someone had bn playing peeping-tom. :(

end last year i had someone visiting us between 12midnight and 3am
while i sat in e dark on e computer... he opened e gate and tried
the door handle a few times. he ran away when i opened, but came
back agn subsequent nights. now i realise it's bn going on qt some
time, and likely e same culprit trying e windows.

dh says not to worry abt it... but i'm gonna make a police report
tmw. scared they'll be back tnite. sick to the stomach 'waiting'...

dunno what else i cd/shd do to catch this culprit? (dh is not e
type to go out and make citizen's arrest/chase etc ie
if he comes back while we're here). 

so if i hear/see e culprit outside late one night and
call e police, then he will likely be gone b4 they come...then how? will he come back and seek revenge? :( 

kay is now fast asleep in her room... dh is in our room, sleeping with sick kynan. i'm gonna stay out on e sofa tonight.

sleepless in singapore...