Posted in Ponderings

Not mine. My birthday came & went as of May, & I pretty much dismissed it as most others did as well. (Something about turning 40 I guess...).

I just got through having a first birthday party for my little Ladybugs (story & details here). I spent a lot of time & effort on making it nice, having everything match a theme, & in particular wanting it to be personal to my babies. I know they won't remember, but I will. I can also show them pictures someday, Lord willing; my kiddos usually enjoy seeing themselves as babies & what was done for them.

I guess it shouldn't matter to me whether or not the effort is appreciated by anyone else, but sometimes it does. They are my babies, not anyone else's, so why would they care about all the personal details & loving thought put into it? Well, there are a few who should have but didn't, but that's another story not for here.

I often wonder, now that their "first" is over, whether or not I should bother doing these things anymore. The folks invited, for the most part, are ones that I most likely would not see if I didn't actually have a party for a few children a few times a year. What relationship is that? Even if technically "family", that is not a relationship; that is nothing. And unfortunately there are those I really must keep my distance from, for sad but necessary reasons. Oddly, I also feel I have to do these things for them specifically, because then I can have a group together, because even though small, there's more "safety in numbers".

We really don't have folks in our lives on a consistent basis who truly care, who are here because they want to be, who would come back without a formal invitation, who care about our situation & our struggles enough to ask & really try to understand, etc. Being the only believer in my entire family, & being isolated from other believers for the most part (except online) because of my situation, is also terribly difficult.

I've gotten quite a few messages in recent months regarding such situations; deep valleys & such. It seems it can be a way for the Lord to draw us closer to Him. I've had this situation for years, but it's true that & other particulars of my life really show me He's the only one I truly have, & the only one I can ever truly have to rely on. He's been doing a lot of "weeding" in my life, & it's all for the best.

I suppose this post is a bit whiny, for which I apologize. I don't share a lot of the "internal struggles" with anyone, but I haven't been eating right so I'm not feeling well & needed to write it out I guess. It's just tough when I see others going through darker times getting the help they need, love & support throughout; even though things are still difficult as it's still their trial, they are not alone in this world; there's even just that one person they can confide in, get Godly advice etc, & for that I become covetous... I'm sorry for that; it's just something I tend to struggle with.