Jun. 23, 2007 - Time for reflection...or rambling, however you want to look at it.. LOL
Wow, this last year has been a doozy! As I look at pictures of Nolan and remember all that we have been through with him together as a family, it is difficult to think about. It was March of last year when the eczema really got bad and we were at a point of no return.
I have struggled with depression in my life, at many times, but none of those times even compare to what we went through last year. Amazingly, I never got depressed! But I sure felt alone. There were a few friends (4 in particluar) that kept up on me and Nolan, always asking how he was doing, how I was doing, offering whatever help they could offer. One lived out of state, my sister-in-law Amy, but she always came into town whenever she could, rolled her sleeves up and dug in for as long as she was here. The other three (I am going to name them, because they *deserve* the recognition - Nichole, Krysta and Jenni), much as they wanted to, really couldn't do much for me because they have young families of their own. But they did what they could, and more importantly, they always asked me if there was something more they could do. They truly showed me at every opportunity that they loved me and were concerned about my family and Nolan. Krysta was a constant ear to my venting, which I did a lot of and always apologized for, but she didn't mind and always made me feel better! Nichole was the same, and I'll never forget the day she came to my house around 6 am (this after having worked the night shift!) and stayed the better part of the day to help with the kids, let me rest, etc. They all provided meals for our family at various times. What a blessing!
Also, my brother- and sister-in-law, Aaron and Beth, that live locally came every other week to help one evening and spend the night. Until September of this past year, my DH was working one night a week, all night long (in addition to his usual 12 hour days, six days a week). He'd leave at 7 am, and not come home until the following evening at 7 pm. So every other week, I had them here at night, which made it possible for me to drive the baby at night.
I remember feeling like I 'hit the wall' sometime back in June. I was crying everyday, crying out to God to please send me some help, if not just heal Nolan. My sister-in-law came for a whole week. It renewed me in so many ways. There were many times when I felt like I had hit the wall again, but there was no choice but to just keep going. Stay awake. Hold nolan. Nurse him. Try to keep it together for the older kids. Keep going.
People... People are funny. I had all but lost faith in people in general. I am just being honest, it's true. Like I said, there were the few that were consistently keeping up with us, but in general, I felt forgotten, abandoned, like no one cared enough to give a little bit of themselves and their time. Personally, I am a very empathetic person, and I am 'old school' in that I believe in community, and helping and giving of your time. Not just your finances, which is great and I'm not belittling that, but it seems that people just don't give of themselves and their time. Or if they do, they won't continue if they don't get any personal reward or satisfaction or enough appreciation for it.
People... They don't know what to say.
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Well, I don't know what I was going to write next - LOL - but I'm sure it would have upset some people around me. The above entry has been sitting in my file as a draft since 1/16 of this year (07). I decided to go back and read it tonight. I don't know why I didn't finish it, life probably called me away and I just didn't get the train of thought back, or maybe I forgot it was there.
But this week my emotional thoughts of that trip to Denver with Nolan have been coming back, I think because we had some visitors that reminded me how difficult it was to do *alone*. That was such a hard trip. Physically, emotionally, E-X-A-U-S-T-I-N-G. I remember being there and telling my husband, 'you know, I'm here, and there is NO ONE that knows how hard this is. No one that will be able to tell others, wow, that was so hard for her to go through.' It's difficult to explain.
Even now, people tell me how great Nolan looks - and he does, he looks fantastic! But I just wish they knew it's not like he's just 'better'. It takes *WORK*. A lot of hard work to keep his skin in check. In fact, I had to add up the hours per week that I spend taking care of him for a hospital study. Just for the eczema - baths, extra laundry, applying cream or medicines, etc; how many hours do I spend taking care of his skin alone? - about 15 hours a week!!! YIKES. And his allergies, they're scary to deal with. Life-threatening food allergies - it's not something that just causes a sniffle and a sneeze!
DH and I were talking about how it's hard to believe he's almost two. I know every parent feels that way with every birthday of every child, but I mean this in a different way. We feel like he's only really been around since December. Prior to that he was just a need, something we lived through - it's difficult to explain in print, and to anyone that hasn't been through the experience. But before our trip to Denver, he was just the eczema. He never had 'baby moments'. He never laughed. He never played. (it's making me want to cry just to type it, think about it again...) It just wasn't like he was a member of the family, we didn't know *HIM*, because all we could know was his condition. He couldn't let anything else come through. It's so sad, really.
BUT it's not that way anymore. He is a happy, vibrant little boy. He's got the energy and strength of a bull, and a will to-boot! And I'm so thankful that he's better. He still has some difficult health challenges, but atleast they're somewhat manageable now.
I am just still trying to figure out how to deal with my own emotion from the first 14 months of his life. Not toward him, but others. Also, since Denver, I've been tossing around the idea of making a scrapbook of Nolan from before we went, during the trip and after. Sometimes I think it's a morbid idea, but other times I think it's important we not forget that wilderness experience that we went through (more like a desert experience, really). I don't know, it's still something I am deciding on. I don't like to look at those pictures from last year - it's really tough. But it's our reality and I suppose we shouldn't just sweep it under the rug. It brought our immediate family much closer in the end (DH and I and our kids).
Well, I guess I'll sign and finally post this entry (if anyone's still reading at this point! LOL)
~Lindsay
Comments
Jun. 24, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Titus2woman
I was soo glad to get your comment, because you've been on my mind a lot recently! and I'm proud of your honest sharing and sorry for the struggle. I can relate a bit~I had very similar feelings for a long time after my appendectomy. It wasn't the happening, it was the dealings with *people* in that time. I am here to say that it really does get better~WOOHOOO! (((((HUGS))))) and prayers~sandi
Jun. 27, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Tiany
I dont know all of the details that went into the Eczema ordeal with your little one but I think on some level I can relate and I know what you went through and I am so sorry you did not have more help or at least more empathy and understanding as to how difficult these things can be on mom, emotionally, physically etc
.
My little one came out of the womb a mess! We tried everything and he was still like one huge red rash, itchy, scaly and just miserable. We were treating him round the clock when he was awake and I am finally seeing the light now that he is getting better (much better) after 6 mos. We continue to treat him here at home to control his dermatitis but it takes a lot of time and effort and with 3 other little ones it can get exhausting J
Hope your little one is ding well now!
Hugs~
Tiany
Jun. 27, 2007 - Wow Lindsay...
Posted by hrlabonte
I wish I could hug you in real life. I am so sorry with the ordeal that you've been through with your son's eczema and allergies. I can't even imagine. My son has eczema, but no where near the level as your son.
I am so thrilled that he is doing so much better! That is truly wonderful!!!
Jun. 28, 2007 - Hi Sweetie!!
Posted by heavenlycreations
I couldn't agree more... make a scrapbook for your family... it is sooo important!!! I regret so much not making one for our three children. They all had Chicken Pox at the same time... and I did not take photos or create a memory of it. I was caught up in the moment of taking care of them and making them feel better through that difficult time. They also asked that I not... I am sure it was only because they were so miserable!! Nonetheless, I wish I could look back on that and remember how we got through it all. You will not look at the memories quite the same as you did going through them. Make that book and cherish the strength and closeness you gained from it all!!!
I understand your feelings of "being alone" when there are so many around you. Others are caught up in their own lives... their comings and goings. As well as, people simply do not know how to respond or react to another in a crisis I have found. The small number of those that are there are enough to make up for those that are not!!! Cherish those that have been your strength when you felt you had none left to give!! Reflect and focus on those precious people and not what you do not receive. God is in control of it all and the small things or few people He places in our lives are the most meaningful!! You are truly never alone!!!!
Have a lovely day!!
**Lots of Hugs**
Deborah
