Last night I stepped out into a new adventure.  My church has weekly "small groups" that meet, but all thusfar have been set up for couples.  Of course they don't exclude singles or anyone attending without their spouse from attending those groups, but I'm one of those people that feels awkward going alone.  My dh is a Christian, but I honestly don't know what's spinning around in his head concerning church.  You see, he isn't one to open up and share his feelings, even with me.  I know he's been hurt by churches in the past, or I should say the people in church, and our last church turned out to be the same.  We stayed out of church for almost 11 months before ds1 and I started attending another church and I eventually joined as a member earlier this year (ds1 is also now a member as he was baptized there this summer).  Dh has attended once this year, to see ds1 baptized.  Other than that, he's had absolutely no interest.

So ..... a new small group has started for ladies only.  Last night was the first meeting and already I am having second thoughts.  Well, I need to be fair and say that when it came right down to it yesterday, I didn't want to go.  I don't know why.  I just dreaded getting ready and going.  I suppose I'm scared to open myself up to other women.  I've tried so terribly hard to make friends during the ten years we've lived in Florida and every time I've been hurt.  I  have been reminded all too often that I am not "in the popular crowd" and the most recent hurt (about two and a half years ago) came from my best friend at the time who just altogether stopped speaking to me.  All these hurts came from Christian women (and in the case of my best friend, a missionary!).  Right off the bat last night I felt awkward because I elected not to have dinner with these ladies.  I explained to the group leader (gracefully I hope) that I eat organically so potluck dinners and such are not my thing.  I'm not condemning anyone for their choice to eat conventionally or even partially organic (goodness knows I'm not 100%, but I try to stay as close as possible), but going the organic route was something the Lord placed on my heart strongly about 5 years ago and I do not want to stray from it.  I feel that passionately about it.  So, here I come in an hour later than everyone else and find out that they all already know each other pretty well anyway.  Again, I am the outsider looking in.  I felt uncomfortable and intimidated the entire hour.  It didn't help matters that one of the women said something to me that really hurt my feelings (something that went straight to a self-esteem issue that the enemy was already stirring up in me during the day yesterday and I realize this woman's words were not meant the way they came across, the enemy was just still at work, but still the wound was opened deeper).

We were asked to see this group through until the end of December at which time any or all of us are free to walk away if we decide it's just not for us.  I'm already struggling to keep a positive attitude about this adventure, but I'm going to give it my best shot.