after being 'off-my-blog' for all this time...i am feeling the need to write a bit more....today David and i took the tree down and all the decorations.  i was sad to see them go..but it was time.  the rain and wind were raging outside all day, and suddenly there was the most amazing parting of the clouds, and the sun dazzled and danced thru the window so brightly!  we stopped to just watch it. 

it was beautiful.  we didn't catch the rainbow. wow... my wooziness is back with a vengeance!  i have a good day and then  wake up with this nausea that just slams me back down.

the doc put me on bedrest at the beginning of december.  i laughed at the thought of it.  how on earth does the 'mom' make it thru the holidays....in bed???!! ..it was an interesting journey....because i wasn't my usual frazzled self  this christmas.  i was mostly sicker than a dog on a stick....but i must admit....i was able to fight the commercialism by doing the minimal...the nuts and the bolts....the 'disease' was my 'cure' for the crazy Christmas time madness.

i was stressed a bit in a different way...had a lot of close calls with this pregnancy...some spotting, and they didn't find the heartbeat in week 7, which landed on hubby's bday!!

i wrote a little about it: 

 there we sat on his special day, in the waiting room of my ob's, staring at all the smiling happy big- bellied soon to be mommies, while i waited for what i 'just knew' was going to be my 5th miscarriage.  i prayed...he prayed...and soon we were called in to the room....

there they were once again....those ugly words...the very words that bring your soul to it's knees....

"there is no heartbeat''

silence....

hard swallow....

"not today"

'of all days'

my words shifted inside my head and i am not sure if i spoke or not.  i just squeezed davids hand.  i felt as if i had failed him once again.  this day, december 15th, his 33 bday will always be remembered as the day we 'lost' our baby......

i heard the nurse's words...in pieces,  not in sentences, or sequence or anything i could grasp...but i thought she was telling us to wait...that she needed a second opinion....

a hope?

is there still hope?

been thru this so many times.

even still,  we had hope.

she left the room and we both began to pray out loud.  all i could muddle was the name of Jesus...."comfort us Lord....show us a heartbeat...P L E E eeeesE....Jesus...comfort us'''

pleading...praying.

 in walks the doctor.  for  some strange reason i didn't want her there....i wanted to linger in the 'hope'. 

 i didn't want to know if it was going to be final. i wanted to remain in the moment of not knowing. 

we had found ourselves in that 'space between'....that space where you still might have a living baby inside.  that place was sweet and i wanted to stay there for a while longer.

she plunged the magice ultra sound wand inside of me again and i told them all 'i can't watch '

their eyes searched the scratchy fuzzy monitor.  my heart beating so loud i knew they could hear me.

finally....the doc spoke.

''here is the baby............and there is the heartbeat''

i turned to look...and i saw it. 

that white light of fluttering hope.  the sweet wings of a butterfly light...flickering and glowing at us.

i was shaking.

we were crying.

we were greatful and thankful and thanked Jesus out loud.

we left the docs office feeling that a beautiful thing had happened to us.  was it a miracle?  a bday miracle for david?

perhaps.

all the same, it was a moment we will never forget.

still waiting to see this little gift from above and until that moment i am sure i will have many fears.....

but i will have to hand them over to the Lord.

again and again.

Posted by abidinglove

Thanks for sharing...isn't it so wonderful that we can just give our fears to God and He gives us His peace. May you know His peace in your heart in a special way.

Posted by pixmum

I will be praying for you and your family as you await this new baby. Having had a miscarriage myself, I know how difficult it is to enjoy other pregnancies when you are feeling anxious.

And, oh, bedrest. I just had my baby in December --- having been on bedrest for the final 5 months. Pile up the books, rent the videos, make the telephone calls, and do what you need to stay sane.

You are in my prayers.

Posted by DandelionSeeds

I'm in tears (being pregnant myself). Thanks so much for sharing your miracle. Blessings to you and the life you carry inside.

On another note, Please take a moment to stop by my blog and read a prayer request for a woman whose blog I came across... she needs prayer.

Blessings,
Amy

Posted by MistyKrasawski

I miscarried last week, at 6 1/2 weeks. I'm so sorry you've been through it so many times yourself, and praying you'll just have a wonderful, peaceful pregnancy this time! I can relate to Christmas being strange but nice, since I found it that way myself this year. I'll have to blog about it when I get a chance!
Love, Misty

Posted by DandelionSeeds

How are you feeling? Just thinking of you...

Blessings,
Amy

Posted by dawilli

I too, have cried those tears of relief/joy when they find the heartbeat you weren't sure was going to be there... I do pray that things go well for you and your family with the rest of this pregnancy. Remember that the Lord is God of our good times as well as our bad and He will be your strength wether in joy or in sorrow.
Praying for you and baby,
ali ali@dawilli.com

Posted by LearningGlory

Just browsing by. I'm glad you are up and about. I will check back on your progress!
Blessings to you and your growing family.