Nov. 2, 2007
OCD and the Pacifics :)
The other morning The Professor was upset because he had picked up one of the million leaves in our yard yesterday, (not a pretty one, one of the many brown/orange ones that look like all the rest) and it was left on the counter instead of being put in his room. Well, he found it this morning on the floor looking like it had been used for target practice by some kind of mini-machine gun. (Obviously the work of one of our adored cats.) :) He was, of course, very upset - and I told him that he could just go outside and get another - they all look the same. (Which I, of course, knew was not what he wanted to hear - he wanted sympathy and understanding, but sometimes the wrong thing comes out of my mouth - I'm so far from being the perfect mother for the special needs of my children.) He left the room in tears - but quiet ones. Now this whole time The Philosopher is sitting at the bar listening to our conversation, and as The Professor leaves the room he says, "He's just like me mommy - he needs to have the Pacific One. That's why I don't like to erase my backwards numbers. " :) I was so "out of touch" this morning that my initial thought was something along the lines of "What does the ocean have to do with 'the price of tea in China'?" HA!!! Then I translated and realized he meant the specific one. *smile*
As strange as it is to me - all the rocks, dead leaves, etc, are not the same to my boys. To a certain extent all children have this ability - the ability to see the uniqueness of everything - but children with OCD take it a couple levels above that. As much as it drives me crazy - because they tend to become VERY upset over "losing" something unique (whether it's a rock, or a letter that they've written) and I have to pick up the pieces - it's still not necessarily a bad thing to appreciate the minute differences in everything - the fact that what you see in front of you now will never exist in the same exact way again. Other people, particularly adults, lose this ability - because if we thought like that we would be in a constant state of anxiety trying to hold onto every moment, every detail - so our brains filter those kind of thoughts out. While we can stop and appreciate it every once in awhile, it doesn't control our lives or create distress. Not so for my boys... for them every little detail can be a loss - it is the "Pacific things," as The Philosopher would say, that create the emotional highs and lows of their lives. But while this makes life very hard, it create's a depth of soul that not many people ever experience.
So later today, when The Philosopher writes a number backwards and panics at the thought of erasing it, ("I can't erase it, I'm too attached to it - I call it 'George'!" - beginning to hyperventilate - mind you it's only existed on the page for a matter of seconds!) then I'm going to try to remember to take a deep breath and let him write it the correct way next to, or underneath, the reversed one - rather than going into a losing power struggle. (I cannot win against the emotional upheaval of OCD - no matter how hard I try - we all end up in tears, and no one wins.) And when The Professor (who isn't able to write for long periods of time) obsesses over the fact that I've erased a mistake I made as I follow his dictation during his lessons and can't seem to move on to the next question, no matter how much I push - I'm going to remind myself of the beauty of the soul in front of me - no matter how much it drives me crazy.
As they grow, they will learn to cope with their over zealous attachment to details. With my help they will learn to let go of things, and to have a slightly tighter reign on their emotions. But, it is likely they will always have a deep understanding of the transient nature of life - and they will always be more affected by it than "normal" people are. I do not see that as a defect though, while it creates a person who is vastly different from other people, it also creates a person who is more appreciative, and more creative. They are both poets/musicians in the truest sense - artists at the soul-ular level. :) By allowing them to be who they are, and helping them grow with it, they are going to be people who actually have something to offer the rest of the world. They are guaranteed not to conform to the cookie-cutter society we live in - they will not be capable of it... and I am glad. As much as their "different-abilities" challenge me - I am glad that I don't have to worry about losing them to the "herd mentality" of their peers.
It's also nice to know that - thanks to the blessings I've been given - I will always be reminded of the "Pacifics" of life... :)
As strange as it is to me - all the rocks, dead leaves, etc, are not the same to my boys. To a certain extent all children have this ability - the ability to see the uniqueness of everything - but children with OCD take it a couple levels above that. As much as it drives me crazy - because they tend to become VERY upset over "losing" something unique (whether it's a rock, or a letter that they've written) and I have to pick up the pieces - it's still not necessarily a bad thing to appreciate the minute differences in everything - the fact that what you see in front of you now will never exist in the same exact way again. Other people, particularly adults, lose this ability - because if we thought like that we would be in a constant state of anxiety trying to hold onto every moment, every detail - so our brains filter those kind of thoughts out. While we can stop and appreciate it every once in awhile, it doesn't control our lives or create distress. Not so for my boys... for them every little detail can be a loss - it is the "Pacific things," as The Philosopher would say, that create the emotional highs and lows of their lives. But while this makes life very hard, it create's a depth of soul that not many people ever experience.
So later today, when The Philosopher writes a number backwards and panics at the thought of erasing it, ("I can't erase it, I'm too attached to it - I call it 'George'!" - beginning to hyperventilate - mind you it's only existed on the page for a matter of seconds!) then I'm going to try to remember to take a deep breath and let him write it the correct way next to, or underneath, the reversed one - rather than going into a losing power struggle. (I cannot win against the emotional upheaval of OCD - no matter how hard I try - we all end up in tears, and no one wins.) And when The Professor (who isn't able to write for long periods of time) obsesses over the fact that I've erased a mistake I made as I follow his dictation during his lessons and can't seem to move on to the next question, no matter how much I push - I'm going to remind myself of the beauty of the soul in front of me - no matter how much it drives me crazy.
As they grow, they will learn to cope with their over zealous attachment to details. With my help they will learn to let go of things, and to have a slightly tighter reign on their emotions. But, it is likely they will always have a deep understanding of the transient nature of life - and they will always be more affected by it than "normal" people are. I do not see that as a defect though, while it creates a person who is vastly different from other people, it also creates a person who is more appreciative, and more creative. They are both poets/musicians in the truest sense - artists at the soul-ular level. :) By allowing them to be who they are, and helping them grow with it, they are going to be people who actually have something to offer the rest of the world. They are guaranteed not to conform to the cookie-cutter society we live in - they will not be capable of it... and I am glad. As much as their "different-abilities" challenge me - I am glad that I don't have to worry about losing them to the "herd mentality" of their peers.
It's also nice to know that - thanks to the blessings I've been given - I will always be reminded of the "Pacifics" of life... :)