Have you ever heard of the game Mother, May I? No, I don't mean the
innocent little game of "baby steps" and "kangaroo hops." I mean the "game"
of pestering and whining, "Mother, may I stay up late tonight? Pleeeeeeze,
please, please? All my friends are doing it and . . . ." Perhaps you played
this game yourself with your mother.
Today you might see the same situation in homeschooling. "Mother, I don't
have my assignment done. I know you said today is the deadline, but I need
a couple more days to complete it."
Do you answer Yes or No? What factors go into making that decision? You
know the difference in your child's voice whether he is cajoling and
manipulating or respectfully presenting a request for his authority to
consider. Your position as the authority can make all the difference.
Charlotte gave this example: " 'Oh, mother, may we go blackberrying this
afternoon, instead of lessons?' The masterly 'yes' and the abject 'yes' are
quite different notes. The first makes the holiday doubly a delight; the
second produces a restless desire to gain some other easy victory" (Vol. 3,
p. 29).
You see, the parent whose authority is not securely in place thinks of this
type of situation more as "giving in" than as granting a favor. A parent
whose authority is secure knows that granting a favor will not affect her
authority. She is still in charge. And she gets a little smile from being
able to please her little ones in this way as a special treat.
Charlotte called this aspect of Masterly Inactivity "good humour -- frank,
cordial, natural, good humour. This is quite a different thing from
overmuch complacency, and a general giving-in to all the children's whims.
The one is the outcome of strength, the other of weakness, and children are
very quick to see the difference" (Vol. 3, p. 29).
So next time your children want to play this kind of Mother, May I, ask
yourself whether you feel like you are giving in to their demands. Are you
just trying to make the whining stop or afraid they won't like you if you
say No? That feeling is a signal that you are not operating from a position
of Masterly Inactivity.
Or, when your children ask, "Mother, May I?" do you feel like you are
granting a favor from a position of benevolent authority. That's the
position that expresses good humor for both you and your children.
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