it has been one of those days.  a sort of discouraged apathy sets in, i'm not sure why.  sometimes everything i do just seems so pointless and daily.  like nothing really gets accomplished, nothing that matters anyway.  does the daily-ness mean anything at all?  it was a quiet uneventful school day.  fridays aren't our biggest push of the week. tom had a friend over for the day, they did some work, played, worked more...i felt like he should be doing something, but in the end i don't know if there was any real point.  they probably would have gotten as much out of just exploring and playing all day.  who ever made all the rules of schooling anyway? 

i've been trying so hard to eat more healthy for the last several weeks.  it has gone fine, but the last couple of days thats kind of gone too.  i don't want to let it go, so i have to get back on that wagon..

ok, maybe this all has to do with turning 50....yes 50 this week.  i don't even like to say it.  i can't even pretend to be one of the young moms anymore. yet that is still how i feel.  now some of the moms of the young kids were not even born when i had my first baby, and lots of them weren't born when i got married...  that is just weird.  i look in the mirror and don't even know who i am sometimes. 

i remember when i turned 30, i loved it.  i was finally really an adult...

when i turned 40 i hated it.  that was really hard.  i just wanted to be in my 30's all my life.  somehow that seems to be the age that is taken seriously...

so how will i really take being 50?  i guess we'll have to see.

so for now i am wallowing a bit...in a funk, but i'll get out.

the icing on this bitter pie is that tom broke another window today.. the 4th window broken by someone this year and the umpteenth in the past many years.  we keep the glass store in business. 

for the record i can't stand to replace glass.. but i suppose i am sort of good at it now.

now there is a skill i could live without

well, here's to a happy tomorrow, hopefully i'll sleep this one off :)

I was just doing laundry.  To get to the laundry room in my house, you have to go out the front door into the enclosed porch and then down into the basement.  In the summer, no big deal; in the winter it is freezing...we live in northern WI.  Today it's warm, so its fine.  The house is about 100 years old, an old farm house out in the country.  The basement steps are concrete.  Each step is a little different, some wider, some taller, nothing is uniform.  Who knows why, maybe the original builder liked change.  The thing that interests me is that each step is pretty worn.  Lots of people have been up and down those steps.  People who never dreamed of me going down them too.  So many memories locked up in the walls and rooms and steps of this old house.  Sometimes when we are visiting others, I am awed by their laundry rooms, right on the living levels of the homes, decorated and convenient and clean and perky.  I wonder what it would be like to do clothes there.  Wow!  But then I come home and make the trek to the basement; no decorations, no perkiness, but its so comfortable and familiar.  A chore I share in spirit with who knows how many women over the years going up and down the stairs, freezing more than half the year.  A chore that doesn't really need the decorations or perkiness.  I like my laundry room.  I like the stairs where others have trod.  I like being a part of a long tradition, even if none of us 'laundry doers' will ever know each other.  That's ok.  The job gets done.  The worn placed on the stairs keep getting a bit deeper.  Life goes on.

I went for a walk this morning.  Steve dropped me off 2 miles from home on his way into town.  From the drop off, it is 80% uphill, most of it a steep hill, all rising up from the shores of Lake Superior.  I couldn't help but think about the amazing priviledge it is to live out in the country on a quiet road that I can walk along in the early morning and hear nothing significant except for the birds and critters and my footsteps.  Now and then a car might drive by, or when I am near the neighbors dairy operation there are various farm sounds, but mostly it is just quiet.  It is a kind of hard walk uphill, but it feels good to get the exercise.  As the road levels off a bit nearing our home, it feels so good to get the relief. 

Tommy asked me yesterday what it would be like if nothing bad ever happened.  I asked him what he thought.  He said it wouldn't be good because then we wouldn't know it was good.  I thought about that on my walk.  I wouldn't appreciate the level if it weren't for the hill.  Tommy comes up with some pretty good insight sometimes. 

You know, for the most part life IS uphill.  Sometimes its not so steep, but others it seems too steep to make it...but then you do.  The level parts, or the downhill or even the not so steep parts are so welcome and so good because the uphill was hard. 

God never promised easy, but He did promise to be with us.  There are some uphills in my life right now...it is so good to know that God is there with me through it all and that we don't have to scale the hillside alone.  I know too that there is a meadow coming.  A place of rest and respite.  But I know that it will be followed by another hill.  and another.  But He's with me all the way.

The longer I live, the more I realize that life, among other things, is a long line of goodbyes.  Blessedly there are at least as many hellos, but that doesn't really ease the goodbyes altogether. 

We said goodbye to our exchange student this past week.  Our beloved Slovakian 'daughter'.  She was only with us less than 5 months, but oh what an impact she has had.  My heart just aches as I miss her smiling face and joyful presence in our home.  In January she came; frightened and sad and discouraged.  She was making a move that she was completely unsure of, into a home she knew nothing of.  She had had a less than wonderful experience, and had hoped to go somewhere more familiar, but we were her only option.   Somewhere between January and June she became a part of us.  She grew to trust and love us as we did her.  I will be forever grateful to God for trusting our family with her care.  But now we had to say goodbye.  I look forward now to skyping with her and writing to her, but will really miss the playful chatter and companionship as will we all.

I look forward to that day, somewhere in the future, when we no longer have any goodbyes to say.  That day when we are all ushered into an eternity of companionship and fellowship, all centered around the love of our savior.  What a day that will be.  Until then, I will find such comfort in knowing that all of it is God's plan playing out and I am just a part of it all.  I am so thankful. 

I was just thinking that after all of the busyness of the past year....now its all done.  Water under the bridge.  For better or worse, Tommy is done with 5th grade.  It is interesting how different school at home is with just him here.  Sometimes I have felt bad for him not to have the constant interaction with his siblings that they had when they were at home...sometimes I have felt bad for the others to not have had so much one-on-one attention through the day.  I am pretty much 'his' all day. 

This year was good.  It seems like after so much struggle, Tom is finally understanding reading.  It isn't easy for him, but its coming.  Writng too is coming along.  Science and Math were never a problem and still aren't.  It has been interesting teaching such a big time kinesthitic learner.  I wonder where that characteristic will take him.  I wonder what God has in mind.

Mark has always been at home on a computer.  Very mathematical and technical....and now he is a computer engineer.  Ryan has been drawing, and drawing precisely, since he was preschool aged and now he is almost done with his college studies in construction and architecture.  Hallie has always been compassionate and level headed...easily able to assess a situation and figure out what needs to be done.  Now she is beginning her journey toward nursing....so where will my hands-on, animal loving go-getter go?  Amazing to me that they are who they are from the very start. 

So now I have a summer in front of me.  It will go too fast, but so does time in general.  Hard to believe, really, that another school year is over.  Thank you God for seeing us through!