I have been reading one book- rather long but I have so many notes from it.  The Right Choice (amazon has the author listed wrong) and the other book I read in less than a day was Homeschooling All the Way Through High School- which I also had some fave things I found in there.

Been reading in Ezekiel and Hebrews.  Before I read the Bible today, I just asked the Lord to speak to me.

Ezekiel 24:16 KJV

Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke: yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down.

I thought hmmm does this mean the Lord will finally grant my request to take the desire to have more children away from me, after all HE gave me the desire to want a Quiverfull and yet HE also gave me this disfunctional body.  UGH.....

Hebrews 10:36-37 KJV

For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry

But these two made me think, maybe HE is wanting me to endure something...what I don't know.  My son is already 5 and has no siblings.  I feel so very sorry for him.  He has no playmates and yes friends would be nice but they can't be there 24/7 like siblings would.  And yes I am well aware these verses are also telling us the LORD will come back.

My friend was telling me that maybe the Lord wanted me to quit my outside the home job and be faithful to being a wife/mom for a while and then HE would bless me with more children...but I have been strictly a wife/mom w/no outside the home job, for 3 years straight and there was no new blessing during that time.  I know I may sound like such a whino but for people who ovulate every month and conceive w/o trying, they just wouldn't understand the deep desire to have another child. I just feel that if I didn't have the problem I have, the rest of my life would be better because this problem affects every area of my life.  I am sad a lot of the time and being sad boils down to a not all there wife/mom, someone who is not in the "mood" to be "happy go lucky"...life has dealt me a crummy hand and I for one am sick of it.

So I did tell my boss on the 6th that I wanted to quit...do you know he is still in the getting resume stage because he is afraid he'll hire someone but someone better will apply later...totally dragging this out. 

So the same day that I said I wanted to quit, like 7 hours later DH calls to say he wrecked the truck ($500 deductible to fix) and then 2 days later DH broke a crown and filling out/off of tooth and that's another $227...I knew it was just a test to see if I really meant that Yes I was willing to come home from my outside the home job.  I replied Yes I mean it and no backing out...and since then no major financial things have popped up.

But I am not sure how we will make it on $1200 a month.  Rent (which does include utilities) is $650 and that had to have but didn't need truck payment is $215 (it was 250).  that alone is $865, and we haven't factored in auto insurance, not to mention FOOD and fuel for that truck.  And yes we have a home phone, and DH has a credit card balance and student loan balance.  So hmmm....frightening much.

What would really stink is putting ourselves in this dire straights based on a hunch that the Lord wants to prove/obey the Titus 2:4-5 command....and to do it and not be blessed.  I so don't understand why the Lord hasn't given us more children.  I am more than willing and I don't think it's because HE doesn't think we make enough money, after all I know HE would supply and take care of those blessings.

I hate my not normal body.  the insides not just the outsides.