Remember my "friend" .... the one who had 3 children when I met her 2003 and has given birth to 3 more since then and is currently about 2 months away from having another one?

Well late last summer after she had a miscarriage she called me up weeping and telling me how much she understands my pain and all .... but then a short while later when I was talking to her and she was very quiet I was like you're pregnant aren't ya?  and she said she didn't want to tell me because she knew it would hurt.  But then she quickly went into the mode of all her pregnancies before she just calls me to complain about some pain in her pregnancy or some challenge with all her kids.  And she won't fess up that she most likely was purposfully trying to get pregnant after that miscarriage, I told her it's ok to admit it, after all that's a way to ease the pain of the loss to have another baby. (( I said ease, not completely take away the pain.))

I've ran across several weblogs of moms with many children and I see their honesty with their day to day lives and how they've found ways to make it work.  I refer her often to such and such weblog for ideas but she doesn't want to take the advice.

Rather just complain.  However, when I need a shoulder to cry on, she's not got the time to talk to me.

She's said things like this with each consecutive pregnancy:

"Isn't it funny, I'm trying to stop having babies and you really want another one."

"I wish I could trade bodies with you, so I can have a break from all these pregnancies."

"I'm getting my tubes tied"  ((she says she can't take the pill and her DH is allergic to 'raincoats'))  she tries blessed thistle as her friend who's into herbs says it's a natural form of bc....

She uses that last line alot in the beginning but as the due date gets closer she changes her mind.

Now I'm all for big families, but if you're going to have them, stop complainig, and definately don't complain about your pregnancy/nursing/child-raising woes to someone who is praying for more blessings.  I. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. ANY. MORE.

This is the aforementioned friend that caused the "lonely" feelings on 3.02.08 ....  then I didn't hear from her again ... til during biggest loser 03.11.08 and I just let the machine pick up.  She called again the next day and I again let it go to the machine.  I just don't want to talk to her...it's killing me to do so.  As I've said she doesn't want to listen to my hurting but she doesn't make it any better with what she talks about either.  Yesterday I felt like I should at least give her the benefit of the doubt so when she called, I picked up.    Big mistake.

it's been almost 2 weeks since we've spoken and all she could do was tell me they're about to be evicted, have not found a new place yet, the baby is due in 2 months, oh here listen to my 3 year old talk ain't he the cutest, we're 200 or more dollars short every paycheck, and my other friend when I talk to her she makes me mad because she instantly starts telling me to look on the bright side and I don't want to hear it right now.  

I just sat there letting her talk...not much words of wisdom since she said she doesn't want to hear things like "when life hands you lemons" or other positive outlooks ...and then my cordless phone's battery started beeping at me so we got off the phone.

I'm afraid I won't be able to answer the next time she calls.   Why should I?  She doesn't take any advice....she's also told me to quit my part time job and come home, get my son on a schedule and then I would be blessed with more children.

 I did all that.  Then she confessed that her kids run wild all day, they don't even have set times for meals.  So she was not looking for any tips on routines but she said I needed to have one.

"The Bible calls debt a curse and children a blessing. But in todays culture, we apply for a curse and reject blessings. Something is wrong with this picture." Doug Phillips

IN my weekly meandering post I asked for prayer, not a sermonette.

I know feelings are just feelings and one is never truly alone when they have Yeshua. That was not the premise.  I was saying that  my husband and son are always either going to some guys only thing or my DH will be playing some video/computer game, watching a scary movie ((which I don't do nightmares result)) and my son being an only child loves to be outside all day playing with neighborhood kids...after all he's played with only mommy for 6 years now he is enjoying having other kids to play with.

I am not open with people in real life.  They don't want to hear about how I truly feel.  When people ask "how are you?"  people expect fine or well for an answer not "well my door smacked the neighbors car door earlier this week at 30mph thanks to the wind and I was really nervous about how she would take it and then I talked to my friend who is pregnant with her 7th child and talking to her always leaves me depressed, definately no encouragement from her to me and yet when she is having a problem or wants to complain yet again about her pregnancy she just expects me to know what to say and how to pray and how to lift her up and then she immediately puts me down regarding my having been trying to conceive or at least not using any barriers for 5.75 years and feeling as if G-D hates me or something...."

again just feeling, not truth....and ya see know one wants to hear that kind of answer because then you are labeled crazy and no one talks to you anymore.

and my son's desire for a brother or sister is not relevant to other people with bigger problems.

It hurts a mom to not be able to give her child something he asks daily for and prays for.  a true test of such a little guys faith to pray for something repeatedly and it not come to pass.  and then I feel as a failure at this woman stuff since my body is not doing as women do.  I've been married 8 years come may and I feel as if people are missing from our family.  It's painful to not be able to reproduce like women should.

But unless you've walked in my shoes you wouldn't understand.  And I don't want these new people I've been spending time with in real life to write me off that quickly so it's best to keep how I truly am doing to myself.

At the last home church I went to ((the pastor lost his job and moved away))  they knew I had asked for prayer regarding having more children and once when it was just I and the pastors wife she told me to just suck it up and don't think about it anymore.  How's that for encouragement.  so as you can imagine I didn't even say my prayer request anymore and when they took requests I always said everything was fine, no prayer needed....because I knew they were sick and tired of hearing my request.

"The Bible calls debt a curse and children a blessing. But in todays culture, we apply for a curse and reject blessings. Something is wrong with this picture." Doug Phillips

OK let me tell ya how it's been going:

Day 1 -

• had a coconut flour pancake (made 2 only ate 1) for breakfast
• had spinach and artichoke dip with canned chicken (no bread and no chips) for lunch
• had a taco salad with black beans and no shell for dinner
• had an 8 ounce glass of Kombucha between lunch and dinner

Da y 2 -

• coconut flour pancake (leftover from yesterday) and home made turkey sausage
• taco salad
• 6 ounces Kombucha
• lettuce and deli meat wraps dipped in ranch dressing

Day 3 - by the end of today I could really feel my body begging for sweets ... No way was I giving in...but  last meal of the day was not great....

• 1 egg, stirfry veggies, and turkey sausage scramble (did I mention I don't like the taste of eggs so this meal was not easy for me)
• had a bite of cream cheese and chicken filling from DS's plate but I didn't eat the crescent roll it was wrapped in....(oops?)
• letttuce/deli meat rollups with a cup of spearmint tea -was hoping it would ward off the sugar craving I could feel coming
• boys were snacking on grapes and eggnog so I had turkey sausage and 2 spoonfuls of peanut butter (this was the oops for the day for sure....pb is ok according to south beach but I didn't have any veggies with my evening meal, for shame on me)
• 4 ounce glass of Kombucha

Day 4 - today so far

• 1 coconut flour pancake
• 2 spoons of peanut butter
• lunch we're going to burger king as it's next door to where I am dropping the Blazer off at for a new right front axle and front end alignment...I know they have salads and even a low carb menu so that is what it will be for lunch today, life happens even while trying to eat healthier

I may be back later to post more of today's what I ate so far on the 2 week's of Phase I

I've also gotten up at - brace yourselves - 6am the past 3 days to workout before our buddy K, whom I am only babysitting, has come over.  If I don't get up that early, the living room and DS's room are to overloaded with toys for me to have space do theFIRM.

Forgive me if I am ~ I really believed DS would have some siblingS by now.

 

	first	second	third
Day 1	eggs & turkey sausge	Rotisserie chicken & steamed veggies	chicken chunk salad
Day 2	CoconutSmoothie	chicken chunk salad	taco
Day 3	CF cakes	taco	deli-meat rollups
Day 4	eggs & turkey sausge	low carb BBQ day	deli-meat rollups
Day 5	CF cakes	steak & steamed veg	N/A
Day 6	eggs & turkey sausge	chicken chunk salad	out?  Salmon & veggie
Day 7	Coconut Smoothie	turkey burger & cucumber/mato w/ EVOO S/P	deli-meat rollups

plus 64+ ounces of water per day and multi-vitamin

chicken chunk salad - is canned chicken made like you would tuna salad over romaine lettuce

low carb BBQ day - go to http://www.lowcarbcooking.org/index.php and find recipes that you like ... we use leftover rotisserie chicken and either make a sauce or buy a low carb sauce.  DH has his with bread and I don't.  I also make sugar free coleslaw and low carb baked beans.

deli meat rollups are just what they sound like....take deli meat and lettuce and a little mayo or ranch dressing or mustard and roll 'em up and eat 'em

taco - prepare the way you like ... if low carbing it, say no to the shell/chips and use black beans not refried

turkey burger - see at foodnetwork for some of rachael ray's ideas to liven up a plain old burger and no bun for low carbers ...  slice or chop tomatos and cucumbers and drizzle with EVOO and salt/pepper

This is my take on a low carb menu with some foods both I and my family will eat.  This will be our menu for 2 weeks and then I will be back to post our alternating menu that we will use until we decide we will venture out and try new foods ... and this new menu will include 1 starch per day and maybe one fruit per day, but will mostly continue to be low carb.

My purpose for low carb is stabilizing glucose and insulin levels.  My bio-dad was a diabetic and died at age 56 from a heart attack ....  I do not want to become a diabetic....if it can be prevented with a better lifestyle then so be it. 

It would also be nice to have my clothes fit better and low carb diets boast that one will lose belly fat first.

And finally and most important of all, everywhere I read those with p.c.o.s. have been on a low carb eating plan roughly 3 months and then conceived a child.  And you all know that DS age 6 has been asking and praying for a brother and sister. 

If Yeshua wants more children in this world who will be raised in HIS admonition and learning about HIM, then HE can use me and our family to bring those children through.

also be sure and see what Beth is up to regarding weightloss.

Forgive me if I am  ~ I really believed DS would have some siblings by now.

Hebrew Prayer for Healing

Forgive me if I am ~ I really believed DS would have some siblingS by now.

***update as of 4-13-07***

So I just emailed a social worker and she said it is rare that a social worker speaks to a child alone unless they are a teenager who has shown they don't really want to share their home with another person.  She also said she would never force a shy child to speak to her alone and she doesn't understand why a homeschool organization is telling parents not to let them into the home nor to speak to the children....

She wants our address and phone number to get the process started...should I give it out?  Will she show up on my doorstep and try to prove me an unfit parent because I homeschool - and since it is only Year 0 (kindergarten) I am not forcing my son to memorize a ton of stuff ...we do basic phonics and lots of read a louds and if he shows interest maybe some writing of letters or numbers but again only if he shows interest. We mostly play to learn or play outside.

Scared....paranoid?  maybe both.

***update****

Based on a recommendation at homeschoolblogger  to try a christian agency...I contacted Bethany and they only do infant adoptions and for people with a child already we could expect a 3+ year wait and can't even get on a waiting list for another few months as the program is not taking any more applicants at this time.  They are not able to help in the adoption of a child cleared thru the state for adoption.

SO I contacted a home I saw in a city nearby and she has invited us to an info meeting and classes to be licenses to foster/adopt start July 10th. 

The only concern now with the christian ones is - both spouses attend different churches...  I explained I need spiritual meat but hubby is still a milk fed person.  She liked that answer.

So now it's go with the christian one and wait to get thru the process or the state one and get the process started right away.

state - http://www.foster-adopt.org/default.asp?action=article&ID=64

christian - http://www.mbch.org/Services/ServicesAdoption.asp

DH will be home in a few hours...will let you know what he says.

In my state, we are not required to keep homeschool records until the age of 7 which is the compulsory age to prove schooling if requested politely.  so at this age of 5, it's not even required my son be doing any schooling at all. - phew-

oh and DH said as long as he passes his upcoming railroad test and finds out whether or not he gets laid off or get s job right way -as that determines if we even stay in this state- he is ok with adopting a child already cleared by the court in the state.  -YAY!!

vs 8 - Also when I cry and shout, he shutteth out my prayer.  (this is how I feel)

vs 22- It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.   (was asking where is that compassion?)

vs 33- For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men. (really?  it feels like it is deliberate)

vs 41- Let us lift up our heart with our hands unto God in the heavens.

So I prayed:

"I only ask for children which You say are a blessing and a reward, You tell me to be fruitful and multiply, You say none of your people will be barren...So I do not understand why this prayer that lines up with Your will and Your word and Your way is not being answered.  I am not asking for earthly/material items but children, Lord, Please answer me.  I trust You will provide for the children that I know You are capable of blessing me with so no matter who is speaking against our having more children needs to be silenced and ignored."

Well today is CD44 for me so I took an HPT yesterday and got a bfn...that is negative for non-ttc lingoers.

No big, right....after all my cycles are known to go 8 months, which obviously means no ovulation..and like I tell DH, no egg, no baby...simple right?

Why can't my heart understand that?

So this turns into my wanting to fulfill the call to be a Keeper of the Home...uh can someones tell that to my DH...he would flip out if I quit my job.  The last time I talked to him about it, he went into panic mode, thinking he had to run right out and selll the truck he bought (that costs us twice as much a month as the other used car we were trying to pay off)

Sad and once again only able to talk about it here...even my "friend" is all like, it's just like me having to kick my husband out to make him see what he will lose if he doesn't shape up, or so hard trying to decide to homeschool- whatever...homeschool is Le Easy choice...only choice as far as I am concerned.

She says maybe the Lord wants me to quit my job regardless of what my husband will think, spend mucho time with my DS and get into a routine and then HE will bless us with more children...but I informed her that I had been a stay at home mom in the past and no babies then...so...

Even now she is relating to me that when she found out she was pg with #6 after just having had #5, she was mad at the Lord but by the next day she was laughing because she realized HE was going to do whatever HE wanted, and I too should just laugh and accept that and forgive the Lord and everyone else who has hurt me by things they've said to me while I struggle with this and then the Lord will forgive me...

again, how does that relate to my situation...she has no idea what it means to really desire a bigger family...she already has one and since her DH is "alergic" to condoms and supposedly BCpills upset her...they will just keep on having babies until she hits menopause.

I am going to an adoption seminar...but yeah right... $30,000...whatever.  And they say you are not paying for the child because that would be illegal, but the fees are so high, it's ridiculous