I locked myself in the bathroom today and cried on the phone to Big Daddy that I was sending DS1 to PS!  While DS1 was in the "classroom" under the table crying that he hated school.  Not a pretty picture.  I've known all along that DS1 had special needs, but they are now being confirmed with all the evaluations we have had done. We will have a full and complete diagnosis in about two months. In the mean time I have been going to different doctors about 2-3 times a week for the past month. I am finding out what is going on with him, but not getting the answers on how to help him yet. I hadn't done school with him for three weeks and I decided to try again this week. I guess you tell how it has gone. He doesn't learn like most kids. He can't sit in a chair for more then 2 minutes. One math problem and he's had it. He broke two pencils in anger today and repeatedly hit himself as hard as he could in the forehead and that was during the "fun" part of school. We hadn't even gotten to math yet!  I've  given up on trying to teach him to read. Don't even now what to do about that. He knows his letters and sounds, but has no idea how to blend them together.   I hate myself for the way I lose my patience with him.  I overheard my boys talking today and heard DS1 say, Mommy says to you that you always do things good and I don't.  That broke my heart! (Of course, I don't say that to him; but DS2 is the "perfect" child. He obeys the first time asked, is a wiz at school and is always asking to help).  I prayed and cried to God, asking Him, what I was suppose to be doing. I still felt like God was telling me to stick with it and homeschool and that is what I want to do. I just have to hang in there and get the answers I need.

I guess reality hit that my little guy has some problems and life might not be as easy for him.  (Maybe the dreams I was dreaming for his future, might not be for him).  That is fine with me; I just had to come to terms with that. School will be harder for him and maybe it will take longer for him to learn things.  For example, both boys signed up to play coach-pitch this year for little league. They had two practices and it was obvious it was too much for DS1. Physically he was doing great, but emotional he wasn't.  He keep running off the field crying and saying he wasn't ready or the coach throw the ball to fast. So we moved back down to t-ball and so far he is doing well. In the two practices he has had for t-ball so far  he hasn't run off the field once.

I worry, living in a state that has strict homeschooling policies, that DS1 will get far enough behind that the school district will have something to say. I want him to work at his own speed. I don't want to worry about what the school district says is the right time for my son to be doing this or that!

Because of all I am going through my house looks like a tornado hit it!  I can't do it all!  I can't keep up with cleaning the house, laundry, food shopping and giving my boys all the attention and help they need. I know what the most important things are, but some how I can't stop trying to do it all and at the same time, not giving my boys all that they need.  They are growing us fast and I want to invest my time in them.  How can I learn to let go of the house and let it be dirty?

I also feel alone. (I have a wonderful DH and he has been a great help. I feel we are growing closer together through all of this).  I don't have much time to socialize (and I need it), but I also feel like people won't understand what I am going through with DS1 and that they don't want to be bothered with it. I know everyone is as busy as I am. My parents live with us and my mom feels like I should just send DS1 to school, so I don't feel like I can talk to her about what is going on. I have a friend who lives in another state, who has a son with similiar problems but he is 15 and has always gone to PS. She is helpful, but it is not the same as having someone who is homeschooling a kindergartener.  I don't know of anyone in the area who homeschools a SN elementary student. 

Well, I just needed to vent.

DS2 asked for a little blond girls telephone number at learning group on Wednesday. 

 In October or November I was observing his class playing games and noticed that this little blond girl (I'll call her J) was always besides DS2.  She would pull on his sleeve and talk to him.  He didn't seem to care one way or the other.  I thought it was cute that J liked him.  On Valentines Day everyone in his class exchanged cards.  I was reading the cards to him and the name of the child who gave it to him and when I got to her card their was a slight recognition from him when I said her name.  A few weeks ago he came home and told me that J loved power rangers and had a power ranger room.  He said he would like to have her come over and play!  He wanted me to get her telephone number from her mom.  I guess I was taking to long, so he asked J for it and she wrote it down for him!  Aren't girls still suppose to be "yucky" to a 6 year old?  I don't think he thinks girls are all that "yucky" anymore.  I'll keep you posted.

don't go well together. 

 Like most people I don't like to take the boys to the food store, but sometimes I don't have a choice and today was one of those days.  As you can imagine we had the typical fighting over the shopping cart (he is pushing it, well, he pushed it first).  Then they both found some rubber bands and they were shooting them. Since they were being good with them, and I was getting my shopping down, I let them play with them.  After about 5 minutes they shot them and then couldn't find them.  We made it 1/2 way through the store when they decided to play catch with their hats. It shouldn't have been something they should do in a store, but it was keeping them busy, they were being pretty good about it and I was getting my shopping done, so I let them. Unfortunately, DS1 threw his hat up high and on to the top of the freezers in the freezer section.  As you know those freezers are much taller then the freezers at home.  We asked an employee to help us and he had to get the manager.  The manager had to get a ladder and climb on top of the freezers to get the hat. Something like this doesn't happen every day in the store so people started looking over to see what was happening.  At first the manager didn't see the hat, but then he found it and threw it down to us.  We quickly finished our shopping and headed home.

So you see homeschooling and grocery shopping do not go well together.

This has been a horrible day!!!!! (and it is my birthday!)  The boys have been horrible to each other and to me all day!  They are bored and I know it, but I don't have many options right now with this weather!  I am ready to send them to school.  I don't feel like I can keep up with everything.  I can't do school, clean the house, do laundry, exercise and all the other things I am suppose to do in a day.  I feel like a homeschool and a mom failure at this moment.   Because of all the snow and rain, we now have leaks in our basement.  Bad ones! I brought the car in to be inspected today and it ended up costing over $500.  It failed inspection and had to have a bunch of stuff fixed.  That is on top of the $3000 we had to spend to get the van fixed about a month ago.  We discovered carpenter ants in our stash of wood by the wood stove and now we have ants in the house.  Big Daddy is upset because he was suppose to get a promotion at his job and now they are tellin him it might be a year before he can move into that position.  We need the money. He hardly makes enough to survive on right now and he hates his job.  I have gained weight so I started Weight Watchers on Monday and I am starving all the time.  SO, because of the day I have had, I am now going to go downstairs and stuff my face and regret it in the morning!

As DS1 and I sit here to do school, he has Batman with him.  Of course, he keeps picking him up and flying him around inbetween doing each math page or each subject lesson.  All of a sudden I hear him tell Batman that he (meaning Batman) needs to be more patient.  And then a little while later he tells Batman that he needs to calm down.  Now, where do you suppose he has heard those words before!?!

I have to admit that he has been really good doing school today.  Maybe we are on to something with having Batman join us. 

I figured it was about time I wrote something in my blog.  When I have something good to write, I don't have the time and when I have the time, I can't remember what I wanted to blog about!  Today is a special day for us, our beloved Giants are in the Super Bowl!  We don't live in Giants territory anymore, but we are still fans.  Of course, the people in the state we do live in, really don't like the Giants at all - they are enemies.  But since their team didn't make the Super Bowl, our friends said they would cheer on our team.  So Go Giants!  But, even if they lose, that's OK, because we have tons of munchies and lots of fun commericals to watch.

DS1 was working on a hidden picture book when I went in and asked him to finish his juice.  I was totally floored by his response. He says to me, "next time could you please say, I'm sorry to interrupt you, DS1, but I have something to tell you."  Who are you and what did you do with my son!  I'm still in shock.  So, I said that to him and he says, "how do you know that is my juice?"  He got me! I said, "You are right, I don't know if that is your juice.  Is that your juice?"  It was and he drank it up.  Have we reached a turning point with his manners?  I don't think so.  About five minutes later he was hitting his brother's book with a pencil while DS2 was trying to do his hidden picture book.  But for a few brief moments I was in manner's Heaven.

We had to put our dog to sleep in October.  We had Murphy in our lives for 8 years and he was a great dog.  The boys continued to ask when we would get another dog.  We thought we were ready, so this  Saturday we adopted a lab/beagle mix.  Unfortunately, we weren't ready.  We didn't know that until we got the dog.  She was a wonderful dog, but not housetrained (like we thought).  I realized I was not ready to take on the responsibility to train her.  We returned her Monday morning.  I felt terrible about it, but the animal rescue league knew she was a great dog and would be adopted quickly.  That made me feel better. 

It is hard to put into words what I am feeling.  In my devotions on Monday morning it say that God doesn't always stop us from doing things, but that doesn't mean he wants us to do them or to continue.  I don't think I really prayed and spent time thinking about getting another dog.  I just went ahead and did it.  I know it has only been one day since we brought her back, but I feel like our lives have returned to normal again.  Everything was out of balance for the two days she was here.  I was feeling anxious and didn't know why.  We weren't getting anything accomplished at home.  I always figured we were dog people.  I've always had a dog in my life since the time I was a baby.  First we had Speckles, then Trixie and then Murphy.  But just because something has always been doesn't mean it should continue that way.  I figured that boys and dogs just go together and the boys should have a dog.  I know we made the right decision to return her, but I wish I had prayed about it first and not put all of us, including the dog, through this.  I hate when I have to learn the hard why, especially when it effects other people besides myself.