Apr. 23, 2009 - Lobster Guy and Fried Clam Lady
I believe it's the deconstructionalists who claim all language is essentially meaningless. Or maybe some other group; philosophy sometimes delivered me a hard earned B in college. And I really must reread Martin Buber. After 20 years, all I can remember is that he contends most of us have I-it relationships with people rather than I-Thou relationships; relating to others as objects rather than sentient folks, impersonal v. personal.
Moving from the esoteric to the daily gritty, here's a couple of ways that plays out. I moderate a list of 170 homeschoolers and we recently had a big dust-up and many bruised feelings over the term "overachiever." This discussion began with the various connotations the word can present and devolved from there. Around the same time, I received a note of concern about my previous blog title. While I intended "Exploit" in the noun sense (the dictionary likens that to the feats of Alexander the Great), it was received in the verb sense of taking advantage of. Any verb intentions I harbored certainly were meant to apply to wringing out every advantage from a product placement to maximize good in the world, but much to my dismay, my message was received differently.
An easy conclusion to draw is that no one should ever say anything. There's some biblical support for that notion. Proverbs 10:19 warns, "When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, But he who restrains his lips is wise."
I once waitressed at a Red Lobster in Durham, NC. A large party of diners, all African-American, came in and all ordered lobsters. The patriarch sent the lobsters back twice, convinced I had selected for them some smaller lobsters from a back tank rather than the ones on display in the front tank. And he loudly presupposed that I did this because he was black. Now, there WAS no other tank of lobsters other than the front tank on display. We eventually put marker marks on the tips of the ones he personally selected so that he would know they were the very same lobsters. I ran all over for that party (you can imagine the bill for 8 lobster dinners and my potential tip!) and they stiffed me.
That was a great lesson for me at 22. Why? Because somehow God gave me the clarity to see that it had nothing to do with me. That man was probably 65 and likely raised in the area or somewhere else in the South if the southern accent was any indicator. He grew up in a time and culture that did not let him "see" the reality of the present situation. But it wasn't personal; it was him exercising an I-it rather than an I-Thou relationship toward me. It had everything to do with his past hurts and injustices.
Another example. I also once served a single lady who ordered fried clams (our cheapest dish) and water. I served her grudgingly and with scant attention, knowing there was no tip money to be had at that table. I know; I'm ashamed to admit that myself, even now. But tis true. Sometimes we're the ones who can see and sometimes we're the ones who can't. I did stop by and ask her how her meal was, probably inwardly congratulating myself for deigning to do so. Her words are burned into my brain, even 20 years later, "Oh, honey, I am just sitting here praising the Lord for this delicious meal and for His provision in providing it." I might add she left a tip perfectly in line with her bill total. Now that lady obviously had her primary I-Thou relationship--God to her--in close and proper working order. And wow, did I carry a big lesson out of that one. Namely, that I am a creep. Recognizing that, of course, is a first step toward getting one's own primary I-Thou relationship in proper working order.
We can be Lobster Guy or Fried Clam Lady. I hope my story shows that at least I can be both, depending on the day or circumstance. I think we all can be. But can't we all forgive each other for our Lobster Guy moments and encourage each other on to the Fried Clam Lady aspirations? That's far better, in my estimation, than the bland conformity of never risking to present our opinions.
Blessings, Holly
Comments
Apr. 23, 2009 - article on lobster clam
Posted by Vicky
That is a wonderful essay Holly! Beautiful writing and such wonderful truths.
Apr. 24, 2009 - Publish
Posted by Your proud sister, Amy
You oughta send this one to newspapers and other places. Really profound and really good.
I gues we can all be fried lobsters...
