and i'm not really sure why. i mean, i've had a good week. everything's gone well. i read a new book that i've been waiting for, for practically ever. i just got done watching two movies, school hasn't started, but i feel like something's missing. like part of me just up and left; or maybe i never had it... maybe i just now realized i was missing part of myself. and i can tell, right now, i desperatly need that part.

god, please help me get through this.

i gotta get out of this house....it can't help that the last time i was out was just to pick up some subway...

wow... where has the time gone. i've been so busy, but at least school's over now. oh, and did i mention that my dad is cured? praise god!

anyways, seeing as i can't really remember what i did durring the past couple months i figured i'd share a new song i wrote the other night (yeah, 10pm i'm up writing songs... but at least it only took me ten minuets to write)

EVERNEAR (C)


Told you I’d write
well I guess I lied
my days are flying by
and I’ve lost that high
but I know he’s here
I know he’s near
I just don’t know why
he’d hang around a sinn-er like me
someone filled with de-prav-ity
someone who’s going to die

oh I don’t know why
I’m not worth that much you see
but he’s always there for me

He’s my savior
and he’s always here
and he’s always near
o yes he is
he’s my savior
and he’s always here
and he’s always near
and he’s here...
He’s evernear

Oh, how could I try
to reach up that high?
I don’t know why, but I try...
Cause I could never be
someone worth him,
don’t you see?
He’s so much worthier than me
He’s someone that I’ll never be
He’s the one who made me
Pure and holy
But then I messed it up
Yeah, I messed it up

but he’s my savior
and he’s always here
and he’s always near
o yes he is
he’s my savior
and he’s always here
and he’s always near
and he’s here now...
He’s evernear

[bridge]

Yes the path to him is filled with holes
(Come on take a stroll)
follow it, you’ll go where no sinn-er ever goes
(or ever will)
Don’t you think it’s worth it
Die this life then live with him...
It’s rising up within me now
I want to try again...

He’s my savior
and he’s always here
and he’s always near
oh yes he is
he’s my savior
and he’s always here
and he’s always near
oh yes he’s here!

He’s my savior
and he’s always here
and he's always near
oh yes he is
he’s my savior
and he’s always here
and he’s always near
he’s always here...
He’s ever-near...

ok, kinda repetitive, but i don't mind, because i like it. it's my first actual christian song that i've finished (although now that i think about it , pretty much all my songs could be called christian)

anyways... i need to go and see what else i've forgotten since december...

christy

wow... i haven't been on in a while.... but i can explain... my dad started chemo this lst wednsday and i've been ubber busy... well tomorrow's christmas eve, and we were going to get together with the neighbours but they're sick so we can't...

so it looks like a blue christmas for me....

christy

well we found out that my dad's going to start chemotherapy soon. and he has a strict set of rules which he has to follow (which me and my mom both have to read so he can't cheat). and one of the rules is he has to avoid large crowds... (well there goes church...)

still needing prayers... from anyone and everyone.

thanks,

 christy

only 3 days till my birthday! YIPEE!!!!!!

man so much to do so little time...

seriously...

but anyways there are more pressing matters. like the fact that we just found out that my dad has low grade lympthoma. and he's probably gonna need treatment.

we just really need prayers.

christy

Questions (c) Christy R****** November 19th, 2006

What would you say?
If I walked away...
Come bother me another day

What would you think?
If I let you sink...
Drowning in the tears I've cried
I hope these are our last goodbyes

You're swimmin' in my sorrows
Drownin' in my fears
I don't wanna face these tears

Cause I'm livin' in a new world
Where everything is wrong

Just singin' this same old song...

What would you do?
If I didn't pull through...
Left you hangin' on a word

Would you cry?
If I passed you by...
In favor of another guy
I hope you see my reasons why

I'm drownin' in your sorrows
Swimmin' in your tears
We have the same fears

Cause we're livin' in a world
Where everything is wrong
Just singin' this old song...

[bridge]

You say stop...
I say go...

I sit around and wonder why
You're lettin' me
Pass you by...

We're drownin' in our sorrows
Swimmin' in our fears
We've cried the same tears

There's gotta be a reason
That we've been all along
Just singin' the same song...

and not for the first time that i have a major problem with letting people in. i can have someone know me for my whole life, but not really truly know me. my deepest darkest secrets are just that. no one ever knows what i'm thinking. you can read my expression easily enough but you can never read my mind. there are things that i know i need to say, but am never able to put into words. it's sad but i am my best friend. my closest friend (that isn't me) moved away a few months ago. she knew a few of my thoughts, and could tell by a glance when something was bothering me. since then i've only talked to her once (and that was on a bus full of people i knew so i couldn't really say anything) and i can tell it's starting to take it's toll.

my mom came in earlier and i knew i really needed to talk to her but i just couldn't. and the instant she left the room i felt a wave of hopelessness wash over me...

and the sad thing is that the cure is the disease it's self....me.

i'm so mad right now. it's not even funny.....

yeah... long story short my dad applied for a new job who's only open positions are in al and co. we'd either move to Huntsville, AL, where i was born, or Colorado Springs, Co. just be praying.

where to start....? let's see *counts on fingers*, today is halloween (still don't heva a costume), my dad is out of town again (getting back today...he left on saturday), i am slightly depressed (but that's normal), i got a totally awesome cd, my grandparents left yesterday (yay i got my room back!), i have to do more school...(o joy of joys...), and i feel like a load of crap... we haven't carved a pumpkin, we don't have ANY candy, i'm not done with school work and we don't even have dinner planned...

something is SERIOUSLY WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! lol

christy

i just got on today and i looked at the date on my last blog and i couldn't believe it said the 10th. (oops...) well anyways i'm back. i've been soooooo busy it's not even funny. (like it ever is...) i'm 2 to 3 weeks behind in all my subjects and i have group and my little sisters birthday was yesterday and my grandparents are coming for a visit tomorrow...and then there's the costume party and my little sister's birthday party and piano... you get the drift. i'm going CRAZY!!!!!!

my dad called about 30 minuets ago. he asked me to tell mom to call him when she got home. i said ok and put the phone down. he didn't sound too great. i told mom when she got back from taking my little sisters to gymnastics. she called him, and they talked. for a good 15 minuets they talked. i picked up on some of the conversation from the chair in the living room where i sat. things didn't sound to good...

mom put down the phone then got out her address book. she was flipping through when i went and asked her what was wrong. she told me that some other guy that my dad worked with quit his job, which in turn, was going to make it much harder on my dad. they were already short handed, she said, then that guy quit. if your dad's boss finds out that we're having a hard time as it is, he'll make him do more. your dad's boss hates your dad.

well what's going to happen? i asked. i don't know, she answered, i don't know...

that's the conversation me and my mom had earlier. i think my dad's going to start looking for a new job, and we'll probably have to move. i really don't want to though. i'm part of this place, this very house. but if god wills it then i'm fine with it. i mean i'll have to be.

and the really creepy thing is that my mom prayed earlier today that if my dad was going to quit or something that he'd do it sooner rather than later. well i guess god's listening intently...

be praying,

christy

i had to get up at 6 this morning. and i didn't get to sleep till about 11. then my cell phone went off around 1:45. i could have killed myself. i'd put on my to-do-list to clean my hamsters cage and i wanted it to go off around 1:45pm today for after piano. but i guess my cell phone had other ideas... then i woke up at 6 to say by to my dad (he's on another business trip again). and then i fell back to sleep for an hour. then i had to get up and start school. so at least i have spaish out of the way... but i still have to do english. o joy! and i have to go to piano in...about 30 minuets. o boy. and i only got to practice about, 4 days this last week. o well...

christy

i just got a new book....i just got a new book....

lol i just got the new artemis fowl book and i'm already most of the way through. (i got it last night and i've barely spent any time reading since then....) i'm really bored. lol! i fell asleep for about 4 hours earlier when i started reading it, and i just woke up and my mom had dinner still on the stove....

i just made my little sisters play together so they'd stay out of my hair (i love doing that). and now i'm sitting back eating grapes and watching the look of disgust on my sister's face as my other sister tries to make her play "princess barbies". o boy! *evil laughter*

i'm so bad....

christy

was a mixed bag. i had a good day but i was depressed. i don't know why still...

it's rather odd. i'm not usually depressed, just quiet and thoughtful. and usually when i'm depressed i can write a whole song in about 15 minuets. this time i can only write parts of songs, and they don't even have a clear subject. i can usually gauge my emotions on my work (drawings, songs, poems, exct....) but this time i'm all mixed up. it feels like someone shoved my world in a drier and put it on spin cycle. and i'm still not able to get to sleep, which might be a part of the problem. i'm so sick of feeling this way.

christy

these are two bits of songs that i started writing last night and....well 2 seconds ago...

gimmie comments...

christy

(c) christy r****** 2006

(here's the first one:)

you came into my life

o my little ray of sunshine

you flew me like a kite

o my little ray of sunshine

when it came time for you to go

o my little ray of sunshine

i begged you no no no

o my little ray of sunshine

written by me last night, september 26th, 2006

(here's the second one:)

i see rainbows in your eyes

like the fire flies in the heavens

i see hope in the skies

like he flowers out side my door way...

i gotta be strong

destiny's pullin' me on

somehow...

i gotta keep up

i am just tryin' my luck

for now...

written about 2 minuets ago... september 27th, 2006

gosh. everyone seems to be expecting something from me today. my mom, my sisters, my dad (who's in cali for crying out loud) and most of my friends. i can take that all on only 12 hourse of sleep for the past week! i'm going nuts. i think the only person who hasn't bossed me around today is jared...or my hamster...either one.  tomorrow i have to do 2 math lessons (to get caught up), spanish (to keep ahead), 2 english lessons (to stay ahead), i have doubble piano, and i have to call my spanish teacher for our monthly call (i was supposed to do that last week...OOPS! o-well...). then i have cat box duty (nastyness!). then on friday one of my best friends is moving away, and we're having a going away party. the only bad thing...SHE'S NOT GOING AWAY!!!!!!!! SHE'S TOTALLY LEAVING!!!!!!! for good too... i'm really going to miss her. she was the one person who really brightened my week. she was my cup of coffee. i've never seen her not happy. she's always bright and cheerful, which i'm not. i'm a pessimest. it's natural. i couldn't help it if i tried. she was one of my best friends even though i've only known her a year...

*raises glass of cherry coke* here's to you bekah. you are the only person who's ever made me "sneeze" cherry coke while playing a game of sceen it. have fun in virginia.... (while we all miss you down here)

christy

ps

maybe this is why i've been depressed. i only found out last week and she's moving in early october....