May 10, 2007 - Ever Changing...
Well, here I am, the end of another "school year". Which for us won't be, but that is OK. In reflecting the past few months, I have seen the fruits of my efforts. I have also learned quite a bit more about me than I had previously made known to myself. ...I did know it, I just chose not to acknowledge it.
With struggling to keep up with record keeping with my oldest soon to be graduate. I realized a couple things... even while trying to catch up... I would not be doing it well. There is always something else pressing to do. I live for adrenalin rushes and will often do things at the last possible moment. I almost always have no failure over doing that, but my stress level is way high. As I am getting older... this year I have noticed that my stress level is alot higher on a daily basis. I am not able to bounce back from a late evening doing some hunkering down on whatever project it is.
So is age really telling me what I've done all along is wrong? I find I jump from project to project alot. That would make sense with what DH sees. He says... what did you do all day... he's seen me busy, but not seen a "finished" project for the day. That really drives him bonkers. He is a stick to it until it is done or functional again. I am content doing stuff and if I recall an item that is more pressing, I will stop and do that... and on and on all day long. It is rather frustrating to look back and wonder why you can't seem to finish a project unless I devote a late nighter to the project. I am learning that diligence is needed on my part.
On another level, I took a seminar on spiritual gifts. While it assesses spiritual gifts, you also will reflect upon your own talents as well. Seeing things brought to light with multiple questions reworded over and over to get an accurate assessment... well, I was beginning to see my failures and my callings. I saw what I was good at (my talents)... I found my passions and my spiritual gifts. I also found many things I was horrible at.
To my husband's dismay... administration is my highest spiritual gift. Not in the fact that I can tell people what to do... I am NOT a leader. But in the fact that I LOVE to plan programs and do it quite well. I can plan out things and have done it for others trying to meet their needs and it has been quite successful. But here is what I learned.... I do not like to be the one implementing the plan. UGH.
With homeschooling that has become apparent. I plan and plan and plan and LOVE this! But when it comes to implementing the daily details of it all... it just curls my hair all the more. I hate spelling tests. There, I said it! I really do! So, I have found that in some of these putsy things of life, I either need to buckle down and do it... find someone else like DH to do it... or find a program that the kids can do it on their own. This is what I am learning...
In all of this learning about myself... much of what I have not shared... I realized that God is good. If I would have seen these failures up front... would I have attempted to home school? No, I don't think so. But God is able to do more for us than we can. He has come into our days and fixed the big blunders. When I knew not what to do, he brought the learning to us in a much calmer gentler way. I love remembering on a day when my oldest thought I was ruining her life. I wasn't a teacher and she surely was going to let me know... well I prayed all day long as I watched her glumly sitting in her chair looking out the window... and suddenly she perks up and notices that we have thousands of monarch butterflies fluttering about our property. She got to experience Monarch migration in real life... isn't God good? We go outside and it is lightly sprinkling, so they are all taking shelter among our trees. We walk out to the back pasture after the sun starts peeking out again and it is filled with clover covered with butterflies. We watched these butterflies, for the few short hours they spent with us. It was truly a wonderful day and my daughter had smiles on her face again. What we miss when we always do what is routine!
So, there... I need balance. I need structure and I need flexibility. My quandry right now is trying to find that balance as my older self is needing more stability than my young life once was capable of understanding or needing. Dh says I just need to slow down... but life is just getting faster. We have a larger farm than before, which means more chores. We are now back in Market season for Farmer's Market... which has been a wonderful opportunity for my girls, so I plunder on with that. Our days are filled with different items and I think it is more me being able to switch gears and figure out what these different directions hold for my family and for the girls' education.
I am in process of doing that. I am trying to take the evenings when Dh is home to unwind and figure all this out. Alot of plotting and scheming is going on, but don't worry... I LOVE this stuff! I also am digging into the bookshelves and really trying to discern what is necessary to accomplish it all. If I could just downsize a bit, life wouldn't be quite so overwhelming with soooo many choices. Ahh, life is a continual process of learning... not just for our little ones under our care, but for us older ones as well. May I embrace that truth with a smile.
Warmly, ~Melissa
