We had some errands to run tonight and ended up grabbing a quick dinner while we were out.  A couple sat near us with their little boy.  He was incredibly cute and kept flirting with me.  I asked the mom how old he was (I was thinking maybe two years old) and found out that he was five days older than Noah.  It knocked the wind out of me for a minute.  This little guy was up to so many cute tricks and was really enjoying his dinner while Noah lay sleeping in his infant carseat.  I am around enough other babies to know that he isn’t like other babies his age, but for some reason seeing this lively little fellow really seemed to drive the differences home.  And yet, it is bittersweet . . . after almost a year, I still have a snuggly little infant, not an independent toddler.   I just love the way that newborn babies scrunch up their arms and legs and arch their backs when they are sleeping or waking up.  That stage always passes way too soon – but Noah still does it.  I have often said that I wished the first year lasted for several years.  While I would obviously give anything for Noah to be well, Jeff and I have chosen to focus on enjoying Noah’s tender infant ways and all of those dear baby stages that usually pass so quickly.

 One errand we had was to purchase a new lamp.  I haven’t been lamp shopping in, well, maybe forever.  For some reason we got a lot of lamps as wedding gifts even though we didn’t register for any.  We also seem to get a lot of handed down lamps from friends and family members when they redecorate.  Anyway, I was really, really surprised at how much they cost.  We walked up and down the aisles and Jeff kept being drawn to lamps with a similar style.  No problem – I liked the style too.  Unfortunately, they also all had a similar price tag which was a bit much for me to grasp.  I pointed out some cheap lamps but he was unimpressed.  I gently (really, I mean it!) suggested that I didn’t really think it was a good idea to spend that much on a lamp, but he was undeterred and put his favorite one in the cart, saying that he thought it was the best choice.  I smiled on the outside but grimaced on the inside.  I have to confess to some less than gracious thoughts at that point!  (Do keep in mind that we were shopping at Lowe’s so none of the lamps were truly expensive.  They were just a lot of money in my mind even if they were all lower priced compared to other stores.)  We got up to the check out and I glanced up as the clerk scanned the lamp.  I was shocked to see it ring up for nearly half off!  It was less expensive than the cheap, less attractive lamps I had lobbied for!  It was another bittersweet moment.  I was so thankful for the great deal on the lamp, but was kicking myself for doubting Jeff.  After 16 years of marriage, I like to think that I am growing in the area of submission, but sometimes it seems like I am just putting on a better show while doing a better job of hiding my thoughts.  It’s like the story I once heard of a child who was made to sit down but declared that he was “standing up on the inside!

 Things are bittersweet on the formula front as well.  Noah isn’t throwing up his Pro Phree (good news) but seems queasy and gags a lot (not so good news).  It seems like the surgeons may go for the GJ tube (good news) but recent developments may force us to go with a J tube (don’t know if that one is good news or bad news yet).  This Pro Phree is weird stuff.  We make up a quart of Neocate, then add 1/3 cup of Pro Phree powder.  This stuff seems to be waterproof!  We mix and mix and mix with a wisk only to have the powder settle right back up to the top.  After enormous amounts of stirring, it will finally mix in.  We store it in a closed jug in the fridge and it never looks like it is separating, but it seems to want to separate when it is running in his pump.  We change out his tubing every 24 hours and by the time we change it the tube is really yucky with a thick film of Pro Phree.  We can clean it out, but it takes quite a bit of time and effort.  Well, one of the main risks with a GJ tube is the risk of the tube clogging.  The tube is very long inside the baby, and the film would just build and build.  I can’t imagine it would take more than a few days for it to completely occlude the tube, and there is no way we could run enough water through it to flush it clean.  I spoke the dietician (!) about it today.  We really had a great talk.  I told her how much I appreciated her knowledge and that I was very concerned about the build up and needed to hear her wisdom about it.  She was very helpful and gave me several suggestions on other dietary issues.  She is going to speak with the GI doctor and we are going to talk again tomorrow.  I had actually tried to reach the doctor’s nurse first but she wasn’t in, so I prayed about it and called the dietician.  It ended up being a good thing.  I still don’t know why she had that attitude before, but for Noah’s sake I need a good relationship with her.  I just really felt led to express my appreciation for her skills and my gratitude for her previous help.  I always make a point of telling the doctors and nurses etc how much I appreciate them, but for some reason it seemed to reach her this time more than other times.  I’ve really been praying about her and for her, and I’ll do anything I can on my end to make sure that Noah can continue to receive the benefit of her considerable experience.

 It has been a blessing today that each thing which might have been hard has been coupled with its own special joy or silver lining.  God’s merciful love has kept mixing the sweet with the bitter so that we can find joy in all things.  I have two more joys ahead of me tonight that I don’t suppose will have any bitter at all.  First, I get to snuggle and nurse my cuddle bug Noah to sleep.  I love watching him drift off in my arms!  Second, Jeff and I have special plans.  Every time I see updates online about the benefit that was held for us, I have been surprised at the amount of money that was raised.  No matter how Jeff and I did the math, we kept coming up with several thousand dollars less than the amount being announced.  We weren’t really troubled at all and certainly weren’t about to try to contradict anyone.  We were awestruck and blessed by the number we were coming up with and knew there had to be a reason for the difference - we thought maybe the total reflected the gross amount before Paypal took out their fees.  Well, we got a package in the mail the other day.  I couldn’t imagine what it was – it just looked like a big bundle of papers and notes.  As Jeff and I looked through it we realized that there was a huge thick stack of checks in the package.  They were all from the people who donated to the benefit by check instead of paypal.  We had completely forgotten about that option and were stunned to see that the checks totaled the several thousand dollars that was making the difference between our total and the “official” one.  Nearly everyone who sent a check also sent us a card or note of some kind.  The stack of notes is inches thick!  We set them aside and are looking forward to sitting in bed tonight taking turns reading them out loud.  I’m grabbing the tissues before we start as I am sure I will be crying happy tears as we read.

 Love,

Kate and Jeff and the children