First, let me say that Noah is basically OK.  I know that some of you have been worried about him because I haven’t posted in over a week.  He is having continued issues with his feedings and we are struggling to make his new formula recipe work for him.  His g-tube site is worse than usual right now.  It is bleeding and appears to be hurting him, but we are continuing to treat it with Micalog cream at home as we pray that it won’t need to be cauterized again.  He is cutting two teeth.  In all this, he remains his utterly dear and happy self.  While his current issues aren’t insignificant, they honestly aren’t so consuming as to keep me from posting.

Having said that, I want to tell you the reason that I stopped posting and, to be honest, nearly shut down this blog.   This will take a few minutes to tell, but stick with me. Those of you who know me well know that I was in a car accident over 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Sarah.  The injuries I sustained in that accident resulted in two shoulder surgeries, many months of therapy, and significant daily pain that lingers even today.  Those of you who don’t know me well probably have no idea that this happened.  You don’t know about it because I choose not to dwell on it or talk about it much.  I don’t happen to think that whining fixes things, and I choose not to live life as a whiner.  Unfortunately, not everyone finds this concept as obvious and straightforward as I do.  More than 5 years after my accident, we are still trying to collect our underinsured motorist coverage from OUR insurance company.  Jeff and I both chose not to try to collect any money from the woman who hit me.  Yes, she was liable, but I am absolutely not willing to go after this lady’s house or car or retirement just because she made an error in judgment.  Our insurance company has taken a very hard line with us and has chosen not to pay after all this time. 

Last week we met with our attorneys and the attorneys for our insurance company.  At that meeting we learned that the insurance company attorneys and some insurance company officials have been reading this blog.  They even brought a printed copy of the blog to the meeting.  It would be understandable if you wondered WHY they were reading this blog.  Was it out of concern for our baby?  Was it because they cared about our family?  Was it because they wanted to know how to pray for us?  Absolutely not.   As horrifying as it seems, we learned that they were reading the blog in an attempt to find any bit of information that would assist them in their goal of paying us less than we are are due.  There was nothing here for them to find.  I guess one of the benefits of being an honest person is that I don’t have to worry about people reading what I write.  Maybe this was hard for them to understand, so they decided to attack what I HAVEN’T written.  I was told that if I was really hurt and really hindered in my daily life and really in pain, then I would be writing about it on my sick baby’s blog.  Yep, you read that right.  They want to deny us full coverage because I don’t whine enough. 

I am not a terribly naïve person. I know that the internet is a scary place, and that at any given time there could be seriously creepy people reading this blog for their own privately creepy reasons, but I never ever dreamed that people who know me and sit down to meetings with me and that my husband paid to protect us in the event of a car accident would read and study a sick baby’s blog for the sole purpose of finding a way to avoid paying out on our OWN insurance policy.

I just can’t tell you how much this hurt me.  I was literally sickened by it.  I felt violated sitting there looking at that printout in the lawyer’s office.  I didn’t feel ashamed, because I haven’t written anything of which to be ashamed, but I did feel betrayed.  I also felt frightened.  In the last week I have written and deleted post after post.  Suddenly I looked at every word through the eyes of those who would use my words (or lack thereof) against me.  I have second guessed everything and posted nothing.  I have waited and prayed and still been captive to my fear.

Today I sought counsel from some precious friends.  I was advised over and over just to do what I have done all along – to tell the truth, and not to whine.  I was also advised to share, just this once, what I WOULD write about if I were a whiner.  If I were a whiner, I would write about all of the things I can’t do, instead of all of the things I can do.  If I were a whiner, I would tell you how I still grieve the hundreds of hours I missed spending with my children because of doctor’s visits and therapy instead of telling you how very much I treasure and enjoy being with them today.  If I were a whiner, I would focus on staying awake in so much pain that it hurts to breathe some nights instead of focusing on the gift of watching my Noah fall asleep beside me one more night.   If I were a whiner, I would tell you about the agony I feel after walking Noah around the hospital floor for hours on end as I try to soothe his pain and sleeplessness.  I would tell you how hard it is to have to carry a baby AND a pump everywhere I go.  Instead, I ask you to pray for comfort for that hurting baby and I praise God for every pound of weight that pump has enabled Noah to gain. 

Of course, if I were a whiner you probably wouldn’t read any of those things anyway, because no one wants to listen to a whiner.  If I were a whiny old crybaby, I guess God would have to pick some other blog to use for His glory, because I sure as shooting wouldn’t be choosing to focus on God’s blessings and mercy and utter goodness in this blog.  Don’t get me wrong - if there were important breaking news about my shoulder I would share it the way I share other important breaking news events about our family, but I have chosen not to whine about the daily-ness of it all.  I talk about it where and when it is appropriate.  Those of you who are very close to me have probably heard me vent about my injuries more than once over the years.  Many of you don’t need to hear me vent because you can SEE with your own eyes how this has impacted our family.  I couldn’t begin to guess how many times I have soaked dear Jeff’s shirt with my tears.

Please forgive my silence, and my fearful lack of faith.  Second Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  I was so wrapped up in my own hurt and fear that I lost sight of the fact that this fear could not be from God.  My self-absorption allowed me to deceive myself into believing that if I messed up and didn’t write just the right things, then I would be responsible for a bad outcome to our settlement.  This just isn’t true.  Because I was allowing myself to be afraid, I lost sight of the One who judges all things.  Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”  God wants only what is best for our family – maybe not what we think we want, or what makes us comfortable, but what is really truly best.  He knows and plans the end of all of our stories for our eternal good.  Somehow I saw and recognized that in all that Noah is going through, but missed it when it came to my own struggles.

So what does that all mean?  Is our world so existentially odd that if you DON’T complain about something, then the problem doesn’t really exist after all?  If I never again complain about bills or laundry or the price of gas will those problems disappear too?  I don’t think so.  I will tell you what I tell my children all of the time: right is always right, and wrong is always wrong.  I believe with all of my heart that I have walked uprightly in regards to this blog.  I pray about my entries, and I pray for my readers.  I have done what is right.  If I allow fear to consume me and stop me from doing what I know God has called me to do, then I will be doing wrong.  I will not be afraid.  I will not second guess myself.  I will not wonder if someone is reading my words in the hopes of twisting them.  Most of all, I won’t start whining in the hopes that some insurance company might be more willing to settle things if I did. 

"I will sing unto the LORD as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.  My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the LORD.”  (Psalm 103: 33, 34)

“O come, let us sing unto the LORD: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation.  Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms.  For the LORD is a great God, and a great King above all gods.  : In his hand are the deep places of the earth: the strength of the hills is his also.  The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land.  O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker.  For he is our God; and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand. To day if ye will hear his voice, harden not your heart, as in the provocation, and as in the day of temptation in the wilderness.”  (Psalm 95:1-8)

Love,
Kate