I'm very sad today.   I got word this morning that after several months of tests, although I'm very healthy, I'm unable to give my father a kidney.   I've blogged on this in the past but long story short my father has kidney failure.    He had a heart transplant 10 years ago which is still working fine but over time, his kidneys have just worn out.    I was the 3rd person to go through this process to be denied.   I  was really wanting this more than anything.  Last week I was so hopeful.  We were nearing the end of the tests to rule anything out and so this morning was a huge blow to me.   

I am very healthy as I said but if they were to take a kidney, my function left would be only about 50% which means I have some kidney not working to its fullest I guess.   Nothing unusal really, many of us have kidneys that don't work at completely 100% but that doesn't make something wrong with us.   But for me, it means they cannot put me at risk in the long term and leave me with kidney failure or something else in years to come.   

Many people I've shared this with are surprised at how long of a journey this has been.   It's more than just a match.   I match but I still cannot donate.  

So in the meantime, daddy still needs a kidney.   Please pray for our family and particular my mom.   I cannot imagine watching a spouse have to go through what my father does.   By the grace of God he's doing well all things considered but it is only by God he's still alive.   He's not on dialysis yet, they don't want to do that because of his previous heart transplant but if they have to they will.   They put a port in back in December but have been able to hold off.   Now that I cannot donate Im not sure how much longer they'll hold off.   For anyone, this is not a quick process but at least 3-6 months.  

It's been a very emotional day to say the least and once it all soaks in and I have time to process it, I'll share if the Lord leads me.    My children were so disappointed but looking back just a few hours ago to this morning I see where this was a wonderful opportunity to instill in them that we do not have to be angry or mad at God or even doubt Him.    It's all in the Lord's hands and we need to find peace with that if we are struggling with it. 

Thanks for letting me share this here.