Lessons from the Paper Shredder

Sep. 26, 2020 - An Introduction

What do you think of when you hear the term Postpartum Depression? Andrea Yeats? Someone with a new baby sitting crying in a corner thinking they want to "end it all"?

Maybe...
Sometimes...
But that wasn't me.

The typical signs of PPD are:

Loss of appetite
Insomnia
Intense irritability and anger
Overwhelming fatigue
Loss of interest in sex
Lack of joy in life
Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
Severe mood swings
Difficulty bonding with the baby
Withdrawal from family and friends
Thoughts of harming yourself or the baby

I had many of these symptoms, but more than anything I had lack of good judgment.

I had PPD after my second child and didn't know it.

Then again after my 3rd, that time it was a little worse, I actually had a few friends who told me I should "see someone."

But the 4th well, that one nearly did me and my family in.

DH travels a lot for work and we have to move every few years. We moved and in a new house and a new town I was alone. If even for a season I was a pregnant "single mom" of 3 small children. I thought I was OK but I had let my church attendance slip. And since the move I wasn't really into church shopping alone. I was too tired to read the Word and feed myself, so I turned to TV. Let's face it HGTV is not real filling. I just didn't care to take care of myself and I chalked most of my issues up to being VERY pregnant and alone.

Time passed and the baby was born, but I just really could care less. I did good to feed the children daily. With no family close by I turned to the homeschool community to find like minded friends. I quickly met several families I "clicked with." We formed a quick bond and started doing all sorts of things together. Our children were "best friends" and I grew very close to 3 of the moms. We were very involved in each others lives. We were in each others homes 3-4 times a week, we planned field trips together and even had a small co-op.

It seemed for a while that as long as I was doing for others, I didn't have to do for myself. I maintained these friendships and did things for these women and their children that I was not even willing to do for my own family.

At some point I came to my senses and I realized I had obligated myself to too much. I over committed and kept "busy" instead of facing my issues. I whispered a prayer to God one morning after another bout of insomnia and asked HIM to remove anything that was not glorifying to Him in my life.

If you ever pray that prayer be ready for the paper shredder...even when you forget you prayed it!

Overwhelmed I called on my friends to help take up the slack with homeschool groups and events I was running. They "couldn't" or "we are already doing something that weekend" or "what do you mean you aren't doing the bake sale?"

From my point of view my world was ending. And I had no clue why...I had forgotten the prayer.

Over the course of the spring the core group of women I had become so dependent upon left me one by one. First by pulling back from groups we were in together. Then by being "busy" when I invited them over, then they just stopped returning my e-mails and phone calls.

The real clincher was my "best friend" who e-mailed me and said she was through with me. No reason, no chance to talk things over just "get the hint, we are done."

Needless to say I spiraled into a deeper depression. Yes, it started with PPD, but it grew into something much worse. Darker and deeper than any pit I had ever encountered before.

I was certain that my former "friends" departure was the root cause and if I could just change and get them to forgive me it would all be better.

Did you know they call it stalking when you call or e-mail someone who no longer wants you around? Did you know that posting to an online blog that those same friends WILLINGLY visit and read is still harassment?

It was like I was watching someone else live my life from the outside. Most of that whole year is a blur.

And I was doing things that were totally destructive to my family, like saying "put it on the charge please..." and hiding it from my husband.

Shopping was my therapy.

Then we were surprised at being pregnant again. HMMMMM so not in my plan. But that precious little baby saved my life. The smartest thing I did was refuse meds while pregnant. I had a new OB and there is now a PPD screening that I done at regular intervals during pregnancy. I filled it out and was totally honest. She was floored. My 30 minute "Yep, you are having a baby" appointment turned into a 3 hour long question and answer session that ended with her referring me to a therapist.

I started going and really began to deal with my PPD and other issues and I realized that those women left my life because I was nuts. I was probably driving them nuts too. But more importantly and to the point is that GOD removed them from my life even though I did not realize that at the time. I bawled for days at a time about how I missed them and how if they only knew I was sick they would take me back. What I didn't know yet was that that was not God's plan, I still did not remember the prayer.

My husband was at a loss as to what to do with me he didn't buy the depression angle. In his mind people who were depressed were 100% non-functional 100% of the time. And in his mind therapy just seemed to be making me worse. I mean women who are depressed cry all the time they don't go shopping. When he found out this past winter how much we owed on ONE credit card I was sure he would walk.

Yes, I was sick, but more than that I was UN-Godly. I had an air of godliness but when you leave church to meet up with friends for lunch and dish about what sister so and so was wearing or how her mannerisims make you want to smack her you aren't following in the steps of the Savior.

As God began revealing this to me I started to realize He needed me to be on my own to get me on my knees. I had to be BROKEN.

One day after yet another argument with DH about "my friends" I was crying in my room, literally heaving from sobbing so hard. I asked God WHY this had happened, what did I do wrong?

He reminded me of the prayer.

Then he said to me "you had cancer and I took it from you, now you want it back."

It was that moment that I knew what He meant. I had to come through the paper shredder, be totally BROKEN, to get back to my FIRST love, God the Father.

So why am I airing my dirty laundry? To get even? To hope that those "friends" will read this and come forgive me and take me back? NO, NO, a resounding NO.

I am posting this because I feel God is leading me to share MY testimony. In the hope that someone out there can glean even the faintest glimmer of hope and know that ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE THAT LOVE THE LORD!

Yes, that's right, this situation was God's wake up call to me! See I was chasing PEOPLE & PROMINENCE and not the FATHER and HE ended those relationships, even if my former friends think they did.

So this Blog is my way of saying to the world, and maybe to those women too, that I have learned a lot in the time that has passed since they knew me and I pray that no one else will have to pass through the paper shredder ALONE to get what God has to teach each of us!

If you have a friend who is clearly in need of help please don't give up on them.

If you ARE the friend who is in need please don't give up on yourself. More importantly DON'T LEAN ON PEOPLE, LEAN ON THE LORD AND ASK HIM TO PICK YOU UP!

UPDATE: Some have asked me why a paper shredder, I wish I had some profound answer...the only thing I still have that my former "best friend" gave me is a paper shredder. Now that I think about it maybe it was prophetic...and it could be profound, I had been torn apart but GOD has made me new...

Jul. 22, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Sonotperfectmom

Bless your heart. I went throught a lot of SAD and hormonal depression this past winter with the insomnia, guilt, shame as symptoms.

Permanent Link

Jul. 23, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by rebecca9901

I'm really sorry you've had to go through that. My mom went through ppd after she had her youngest daughter. She didn't realize it, and it just kept getting worse and worse. She also had 4 of us, and she also realized that the only way up out of the darkness is through the Lord. I'm here for you anytime you need anything!

Permanent Link

Jul. 23, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by courtneylane

Many thanks for the appliance well wishes! lol Wow-going through the papershredder is really hard. Blessings to you!

Permanent Link

Jul. 23, 2008 - Thank you

Posted by christinejoy

Thank you for being so real. I wonder how many moms "hide" at home in those early weeks and months battling depression. I appreciate your honesty, it will help another mom.

Permanent Link

Aug. 6, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by ilovemy3angelbabies

I have not had PPD, but my best friend has gone through it. She has two children. Her depression was much worse the second time, but she pulled through.

Thank you for being willing to share your experience with others.

Blessings~
Laura

Permanent Link

Aug. 15, 2008 - Hi!

Posted by abbycamlars

I have so enjoyed reading your blog...please keep it up, The Lord has also been dealing with me and its been a lonely ride! But He is in control, and how can I go wrong, come visit Sherry

Permanent Link