Okay, my friend Rachel was right!  How could I ever go back to my old ways, after using her Dyson vacuum cleaner?!  So, now I'm a new, proud owner myself!  Mine is grey and bright yellow.  It looks like Ethan's favorite transformer, "BumbleBee" (from the recent "Transformers" movie).  So, that's what we've nicknamed it.   I realize it's a bit wierd to name a vacuum but hey, it makes it fun for the kids to use "the transformer."  We don't have any carpet but we've purchased a few area rugs so we can vacuum those and the this thing vacuums up the dust balls on marble floors much better than a broom can do it.  So, I'm very happy with my VERY expensive "toy." 

Our household goods were FINALLY delivered last week.  So now "the gang's all here."  We're trying to find places for everything  but it seems to be a long process.  How exactly will we hang all of our pictures and artwork with concrete and tile walls throughout the house? 

Our electricty is still tripping the breaker several times a day.  I'm so tired of staggering our electrical usage.  For instance, I can't use the washer and dryer at the same time.  So it's one load at a time.  And I certainly can't dry clothes and run the dishwasher at the same time.  In the evening when our radiators are "heating" our house, the electricity trips off  if we also bathe the children because of the electric water heaters all working at the same time.  Anyway, it's frustrating.  Today I recieved a call from the landlord that the electrician has tried to stop by three times when we weren't home.  However, they won't set an appointment.  I'm just expected to be home from the time the service request is put in until they decide to show up.  It's a Spanish attitude that we are trying to used to.  Very relaxed. 

OH, gotta run... my kids are getting stir crazy and I'm still dependant on this cyber cafe for internet use!  Internet hookup at home is another problem we are trying to figure out.  ugh!

I've debated about including this on my blog because it's so personal.  But, I guess I feel okay about posting it now. Maybe it will share insight into the emotional difficulties of pregnancy loss.   I wrote this in December and it proved to be a good theraputic outlet for me.  (for some reason, I'm having trouble posting this with single spaced lines - oh well, it just takes up a lot of space!)

Like an unopened gift, resting beneath a tree of light                                                                           

anticipation and excitement fill your thoughts                                                                                                          

of what might be the most prized gift of all.

Oh, the desire to know more about what is waiting beneath the layers of disguise!                                    

But for now, you have to wait                                                                                                                                    

and trust that it will be in your hands and in your life soon enough.

Will it fulfill you?   

Will it complicate you?                                                                                                                                               

Will it keep you too busy?                                                                                                                                         

Will it help slow life down?                                                                                                                                       

Will it be big and strong or small and meek?                                                                                                    

What about colors, textures, weaknessess, strengths, talents, personality...                                              

You can never quite know what it is you will get.                                                                                                   

No dought it will bless you and others, whom you are able to share it with.

What joy and delight awaits you                                                                                                                                 

in this gift                                                                                                                                                                     

that you can neither see nor know of for sure                                                                                                     

until a much anticipated date.

Who can offer me this kind of gift?                                                                                                                              

I know it comes from the loving hands of all creation                                                                                            

the Alpha & Omega, the King of all kings, the Almighty God,                                                                             

my Father in Heaven.                                                                                                                                                 

Am I worthy of a such a gift,                                                                                                                                 

something made in the image of God?

If so, why would He hand me this gift of new life                                                                                                  

with just enough time to embrace it in thought                                                                                                     

 but not in my arms, not into my life?                                                                                                                         

It's not nice!  It's not fair!                                                                                                                                       

What a cruel joke to play on me - to use it as a pawn in this "game" of real life!

You can't just hand someone a gift                                                                                                                        

and then snatch it away                                                                                                                                               

in an exchange of tears and heartache!                                                                                                                      

I wanted to keep this gift                                                                                                                                              

to open it and treasure it                                                                                                                                              

to nurture and care for it.

I've been given gifts like this one before                                                                                                                 

I'm surrounded by them everyday.                                                                                                                               

So why do I want more?                                                                                                                                             

Am I not grateful enough                                                                                                                                              

of the treasured gifts I already have in my life?                                                                                                   

What's wrong with me?                                                                                                                                           

Why am I no longer complete?

It's especially hard to encounter other people                                                                                                        

that are holding their own precious gifts.                                                                                                             

Some are unopened, others are newly unwrapped.                                                                                          

May God continue to bless them!

(But what about me? Why did mine get taken back?)

The tree of light is lovely                                                                                                                                 

the garland and ribbons just right.                                                                                                                         

The gifts are overflowing                                                                                                                                                

I just seem to stay focused on                                                                                                                               

what might have been...                                                                                                                                            

what should have been...                                                                                                                                           mine...                                                                                                                                                                                       to keep...

The food here is different - Mediterranean diet - not remotely related to Mexican food.   We're going to have to get used to eating green olives just as a snack.  Lots of fish and pork.  Not much chicken.  Dinner is usually from 9:30 PM to midnight.  Trying to find a place to eat at 6 PM is impossible.  Lunch times are also strange and certain restaurants are open only for certain times.  Tappas are the "snacks" and places are dedicated to them specifically.  Bars are not bars, they're family establishments.  Children are welcomed anywhere and at any time.  

We rented an incredibly small car.  If you've ever seen movies with the microscopic cars, that's what we have.  Barely fits all of us.  The trunk/hatchback fits our coats, and a 5 bags of groceries, and that's about it.  Our Montero just arrived this week.  That was a big suprise as we didn't expect it for another month. Ultimately we'll need another vehicle but we'll probably return our rental car soon.

We're pretty close to the beach which is incredible.  Summers here are reportedly insane, because people come from all over Europe to hang out at the beaches.  Should be interesting.
Spain is not cheap.  For some reason I thought it would be.  

It will be interesting to live off-base and integrate into the Spanish community.  People don't speak English as much as we were led to believe, but so far we've done alright.  Travis has learned a ton of Spanish in just a few  weeks.  The rest of us are catching on but we seem to rely on his language skills most of the time.  Necessity breeds motivation.   We are settling into our house now.  We moved in almost two weeks.  Our express shipment was delivered a few days ago.  It was nice to see familiar things that we own.  Now all of our beds have a homemade Grandma quilt on them.  Each one of the kids have thier new ones and I have our heavy levi quilt on my bed.  New heaters were finally installed this week too. So now it's much warmer in our house.  We bought a couple of area rugs for the living room and the hallway so that is making it a bit more cozy also.

I loved reading our family newsletter.  What a nice taste of home.  It's so nice to hear from everyone at the same time.  Thanks for organizing it Amy.

Well, we now have a place to call home!  We spent our first night in our new house last night and all went well.  It was a little cold because the heaters won't be worked on for a couple of weeks from now.  It's not too cold outside (yet) but the homes don't warm up from the sun, during the winter.  They are made with concrete walls and ceilings, not wood and insulation. The floors are all freezing cold marble!  I feel like we are in a museum with the marble floors and the few pieces of rental furniture in each room.  We'll definately have to buy some rugs and slippers but socks (and shoes) will have to work for now.  The military delivered rental beds, tables, chairs and couches for us to use until our own furniture arrives (in a month).  It has five bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms a big living room/dining room with a fire place and lots of built in shelves.  We have a glass wall/door, enclosed patio that is practicaly begging for a hot tub for Travis, plus a lovely, tiled, courtyard patio too.  It should work out very well for us while we are living here.   

Travis is enjoying some vacation days this week so we can settle into our house and tour around southern Spain a bit.  We've had a great time touring a couple of Spanish cities within 1-2 hours from our house.  Yesterday, we were thrilled and amazed at the reality of how we spent the day.  We took our passports, crossed the border and spent the day in Gibralter!  It was wonderful!  We spent about two hours touring the "The Rock of Gibralter" inside and outside.  We took a private guided tour to drive around and up the top of the Rock and had several stops along the way to tour caves, mines and visit the local, wild, free range apes.  We have some great photos of it all so I'll post them after I have full access to internet from home.  (I'm still having to drive into the base to use the cyber cafes)  Tomorrow we're planning another day trip and will probably head to Sevilla.  Then on Monday, Travis will start working (and taking his first patients as an FNP!) and I'll try to normalize our routine and days with the children.

Ten days of wondering if I was pregnant

Ten days of working through the emotions and reality of a new baby...enjoying "my secret"

Ten days of "medical confirmation" and sharing the big news with my children, family, and friends

Ten days of bleeding, depression, loss, dispair, moving

Ten more days to go...

Life is changing too quickly for me to keep up with.  How do I get through this?  What do I pray for? 

My prayer was to have this baby...why was I ignored?  why was I cheated?  why was I played as a pawn?  why did this begin and end at such a difficult time and in a such a difficult way?  why didn't my baby develop properly?  WHY???  For crying out loud, WHY????  and what do I do now?

I regret to share what I've been through the last couple of weeks.   Thirty hours before we had to move out of our house (which was already empty), and leave our car for moving, I was at the E.R. and diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage.   I had nothing, no home, no vehicle, and I was now losing my baby.   We only had a few suitcases of clothes and each other.   I had a 23 hour plane ride ahead of me with a foriegn country as my destination.   I was blown away with emotion, raging hormones, confusion, and loss.   It was like we were we under a rolling boulder that we couldn't stop and didn't know how to get away from.   So I boarded the plane and had to deal with my miscarriage all the way to Spain.   I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had another ultrasound to confirm that I've finished the miscarriage.   She said I'll probably be done within a week and that everything was "good".   I cried through the whole appointment.  

The day we left, I decided that I had no choice but to take a leap of faith and live what the Bible says to do...trust in the Lord.   The scripture that I focused on is in Matthew 11.   It shares that all who are weary and burrdoned should rest in the Lord for comfort.   (I should have memorized it by now, but at this moment with all the distractions, that the best I can do right now.) At this point, I guess I'm just getting through each day as it comes.

Spain is very different!   I didn't come here with any expectations so everything has been interesting and odd.   The 4 bdrm homes on base are all occupied so we've been house hunting out in the cities of Rota and El Puerto de la Santa Maria.   El Puerto seems to be where we'll end up.   Most houses have no A/C or heat and all have tile or marble floors throughout.   They all have 7 foot walls around the properties so it's almost impossible to see what the property looks like until we have a key and a tour guide.   Makes for a long week of driving around the neighborhoods while the kids watch movies on our DVD player.

I'm at the hospital cyber cafe and don't have much time to be here so I'll write again when I have a little more time.

...and we're off!!!!  My computer is getting packed up in the morning.  My next entry will be from somewhere in Spain!  I'm so excited!  It's been a very crazy week but we are taking it one day at a time since there is so much going on each day this week.