It's ironic that my last two posts on my LJ blog should be about my chinchillas.  It really is.  And how strange that I should be talking to Mariella about her bunny dying.  It's just strange. 

My baby chinchilla, Joy, died this morning.  She wasn't doing very good last night, but I just didn't think.... I don't know what I thought.  I hoped she would get better.  I petted her last night, held her, not knowing that I would be saying goodbye.  

And it seems so unfair, because all of us agreed that we would gladly have traded all of our other chinchillas just to keep her.  We raised her from birth, getting up every two hours in the middle of the night to feed her.  And she loved us.  Whenever we walked by her cage she would sit in the corner, begging us to hold her, and whenever we would pick her up she would cuddle up in our hands and squeak in protest whenever we tried to put her back.  And if one of us was holding her and another family member walked by, she would perk up and want to sniff their mouth to say hello.  We would all stand in a circle, and she would hop from one person to another, crawling all over our hands and our shoulders.  She always thought she was human. 

Dad found her this morning before any of the rest of us were up, and she had fallen over on her side and tried to get up, but couldn't because she was so weak.  He opened her cage and picked her up.  She sniffed his mouth, and then relaxed.... and died.  I guess she was waiting for one of us to be there, so that she could say goodbye. 

We all cried.  We all loved her equally: she was our baby, our joy.  At times throughout the day I find myself just wanting to hold her and bury my lips in her fur and kiss her, and have her snuggle up and go to sleep.  She was there whenever other bad things happened, but she didn't care: she would just let you hold her and kiss her and cuddle with her like nothing had happened, and just soak in the love.  But now that she's the one that's gone, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.  So I sit here, writing blog posts until I can't see the screen anymore because of the tears in my eyes. 

I suppose I should stop now: I'll drive myself insane if I keep doing this.  

Anybody can see, but I believe that vision is altogether different, and has nothing to do with your eyes.  True sight takes a person with a heart that is open to the truth, and will not cling to lies simply because they are comfortable or seem nicer.  Vision is when you lift your eyes from your ordinary life and suddenly see reality in its truest sense, without all the material distractions that our age is cluttered with.  Everyone, at some point in their life, has a moment of true vision.  Whether you have it more often than that is based on whether you are willing to accept what you see, or whether you prefer to pull the blinders back over your eyes and return to your false reality. 

            Because the truth is, everyone could see, if they were willing.  Vision is not some gift that is given only to a few — "visionaries," as we like to call the poets and artists.  We think that those people are born with vision, but what we don't realize is that they chose vision.  They chose to accept that there is a higher form of reality, and because of that choice they were always uncomfortable in the world that we see with our normal eyes, and with the mundane.  They chose pain, because they believed that an uncomfortable truth is infinitely better than a comfortable lie. 

            And that is the difficult part of vision: vision is uncomfortable.  It's a bitter pill to swallow, because when we allow ourselves to see the true nature of reality, we also see the true nature of ourselves.  And that nature of ourselves is not what we have been lead to believe: godlike, divine, infinitely good a just.  Those qualities are the illusion.  If we really looked at ourselves honestly, we would see that we are not at all godlike, not at all divine, and only moderately good and just.  I say moderately, because we can all appear to be good on the outside, right?  But what is in our hearts?  We may equate desiring goodness with being good, but the one does not replace the other in the least.  And when the body passes away, the heart is all we will be left with. 

I hear thunder in the background, and it gives me a sort of brooding, melancholy mood, the kind that looks at the present and the future and finds a sad story written there.  Songs of loss and despair run through my mind, but none of them quite fit what I am feeling, not exactly, even though they do get close. 

I found out Friday that Meggy is going to be moving back to Arkansas.  I’ve known her for little more than a year, but in that year we’ve spent a lifetime together.  It seems unfair that in the end, it’s only a year that I got to spend with her.  I thought we’d grow old together.  I thought we’d tease each other about the guys that we would eventually marry.  I had so many dreams, so many assumptions.  But now….only a year.  Only a year that’s almost over. 

I mean, I know that we’ll still be fabulous friends, and email each other several times a week, and send each other long-distance phone calls.  It’s not like she’s going to just walk out of my life, never to come back.  I keep telling myself that, but there’s still so much of a wound that refuses to heal. 

Why?  I suppose this whole story make sense from some point of view that I can’t see, but to me it seems meaningless.  Why again, Lord?  Am I doomed to lose every friend this way?  Will they all move away until only I am left, alone?  I know I’m supposed to have faith, and I’m trying hard to, but it wears through sometimes, and I’m left with that three-letter question on my lips. 

Pray for me.  Please, just pray for me.  

Copyright 2009 by Cherise A. You must ask me before using any of my stuff, and my name must appear along with the poem or post if you reproduce it.

My to-do list is staring at me with large, catlike eyes, demanding that I bow down to it and do all the things that are listed on its white, blue-lined front.  But I have chosen to ignore it for the moment.  I am now typing madly, as my writer brain demands that I post an entry, even though technically I don't have the time to do it in. 

My lack of commenting finally caught up with me, as you can see.  Or maybe you can't see, since you're no longer reading this blog because the airheaded authoress has forgotten to comment you back.  After all, what reason is there to leave comments on a blog if those comments are not going to be returned?  So go ahead and not comment, dear reader.  Or comment saying that I should comment you.  Force me out of my little I'm-not-contacting-anyone cave. 

What have I been doing with my life when I should have been commenting?  I've been trying to finish up school, and I only have three days left, huzzah!!  I've also been reading Jane Eyre, trying to garner readers for my fanfiction (I see you all were scared away by my last post.  After all, you thought to yourselves, fanfiction for the Little Mermaid 2 can only be trash.  Shame on you: you should know me better than that by now!), scurrying to finish my submissions for SARI, listening to the lovely rain that kept falling and falling and falling, writing little odd snatches even though I was supposed to be working on my main novels, reading all sorts of lovely advice about writing, watching people graduate, watching Indiana Jones, living through Fender-Benders, and learning to play the cup game!!  Ha, haven't I been busy!  So maybe you might have sympathy on me, dear reader, and post a comment despite the fact that I have been horribly rude and forgotten that I was supposed to comment you back.  I'm actually in a mood to comment back this time! 

This has been a lovely little ramble.  Maybe next time I post, I will be able to talk about Macadamia, the villain of the new story I'm writing.  Yes, I stole him from Katie and Altariel, and he now has a tale of his own!  *hugs Macadamia* 

Copyright 2009 by Cherise A. You must ask me before using any of my stuff, and my name must appear along with the poem or post if you reproduce it.

Alright, so this is the real blog post.  I’ve been putting it off and putting it off, but I suppose I can’t wait any longer, seeing as how I’m going to explode if I don’t blog.  It must be something in my nature.  There have been times that I have tried to keep silent, and to keep myself from expressing myself in written words, but those times have never lasted for very long. 

I’ve decided that I don’t really like Facebook, seeing as how there is a severe lack of ways to express something of content on there.  It’s good for communicating with those you know, and keeping in touch – but really, how much chit-chat can one do?  More often than not what I want to express is a complete thought, not some abbreviated update on what I’m doing.  It’s not what I do that’s interesting – it’s what I think.  Sometimes I think I come across as a boring person to some people who meet me in real life, because it’s not like I do anything special, aside from writing novels.  Generally, I live a laid-back, open life.  I’m introverted by nature, don’t watch many movies, am behind on most cultural lingo, and can’t text for the life of me.  But I think, and that’s a lot more than most ‘normal’ people my age do. 

Sometimes, however, I suspend thought to watch stupid movies, like The Little Mermaid 2.  Usually my thought processes turn back on halfway through the movie, and keep up a running commentary of how stupid the movie is until it’s over.  But even movies as stupid as that sometimes have good parts.  Parts worthy of being dealt with in greater detail. 

….So what I mean to say is, I wrote fanfiction for the movie.

I know, I know it’s stupid, but there was one moment in the movie that kidnapped my imagination, and I had to express it in words.  I posted it on Fanfiction.net, where I hope to be summarily killed for my stupidity in glorifying the stupid.  You can read it, if you want, by clicking this handy little link. 

School is going well, which means writing is going at a snail’s pace.  That’s partially because I’m going through a period in my life where I can’t stick to anything for very long, so I’ve started two new stories since Sunday.  Oh, and I also finished my fanfiction piece, so I suppose that makes three.  Beth and Kale is at a standstill, Tears is still waiting to be edited, POE has a few more words than when I last posted (but not very many), Enchantress is still begging for me to finish it.  I have put all of them off, telling them with tears in my eyes that I will have to ignore them until school is over, because I cannot concentrate on them and homework at the same time. 

Now seems like a good time to pull out my summer goals:

1. Finish the first draft of POE (or get it to 100k)
2. Get Tears through at least two rounds of editing – more if I have the time.
3. Finish the first draft of Enchantress.

And of course, I will be working more on Beth and Kale, since I know the real Beth would be very disappointed if I didn’t.  But those are the main three, and I will work hard to see them all accomplished.  Especially POE and Tears – I don’t think I could do NaNoWriMo, knowing that POE was being put on hold for the second time and that Tears still required so much attention.  And if I finish all of those by September 1^st, like I’m hoping to do, than that will give me plenty of time to plan for NaNoWriMo 09! 

I know I’ve neglected to discuss any of my writing or my spiritual life in detail, and I’m sorry.  But you see, I still don’t have very much of that straight in my own mind, so I’m in no position to tell any of you about it.  I’m still trying to figure out this whole surrender thing – who knew it could be so painful? 

Love you all, and may God give you a joyful heart and lots of smart things to say!  (If you want smart things to say, that is.  If not… well, then, I can’t help you.) 

~Cherise

(P.S.  My brain is not all with me, so I’m sure I forgot to post about something.  Please forgive me.) 

(P.P.S.  I remember!  The Writer’s Conference!  It was absolutely lovely!  Estes was so gorgeous, and the workshops were so helpful, and Meggy and Laurie and Laurie’s folks were wonderful!  After the workshops were over we found an empty gym that was dark with light streaming in at the edges, and we all stayed there and wrote, and it was so inspiring!) 

Copyright 2009 by Cherise A. You must ask me before using any of my stuff, and my name must appear along with the poem or post if you reproduce it.

Several friends have impressed upon me the need to post again, so I decided that I shall.  I wish I had the decency and the frame of mind to say something organized and logical and profound, but I do not.  I just have me, struggling my way through the last month of the school year, trying to keep my mind focused on which way is up.  Sometimes I forget, you know, and I get lost in a sea of emotions until someone pulls me out again. 

What do I say?  I’m still taking a break from Enchantress, which is surprising because it is going so… easily.  I would have expected to miss it more, to pine after it, but I don’t.  Maybe that’s because I’m still afraid of it, and I’m afraid of messing it up. 

I’m still fighting a battle against myself, trying to keep my life from going back to the way it was.  I don’t know if I’m winning or losing, but something about sitting here, typing this entry while listening to Blackmore’s Night, tells me that I’ve lost part of the battle.  I’ve readopted some of my old mindsets.  But sometimes they’re so hard to get rid of, and I can’t live every day completely inspired and spiritually energized.  It’s just that I know that if I allow myself to forget what I’ve learned, I will hate myself forever for it. 

On the happier side, the story I’m writing about Beth and Kale is now 10k.  Amazing, huh?  I really don’t know how that happened.  It seems I never know how anything happens anymore.  I just wake up one day, and poof, there it is!  But it needs a name badly.  I can’t keep calling it ‘Beth and Kale’ forever.  I really should post more of it on my story blog, so that you can read it and help give me suggestions for a name. 

Oh, and also on the happier side, I get to have a fun, exciting weekend!!  Friday is Field Day for our homeschooling support group, and in my honest opinion, it’s one of my favorite days of the year.  We get to go outside and run around in the sun, competing for various ribbons, laughing with buddies, and all that wonderful stuff.  This year, I signed up for the Around the Park race, which is the longest event.  You have to run all the way around the park – twice!  It’s scary, but I need the exercise, and I can always walk it if I have to. 

And then on Saturday, I get to go up to Estes Park to spend a day at a Christian writer’s conference!  Laurie’s family offered to take me and Meggy up there to spend a day at the YMCA of the Rockies, attending the classes in the afternoon!!  I am so completely excited!!  Not only is Estes one of the most beautifully inspiring places on earth, but I get to learn more about writing while I’m there, and hang out with two of my favorite buddies!! 

So yeah.  I think all of that completely makes up for all the stress and anguish of the moment. 

God bless you!

~Cherise

Recent situations have caused me to examine my life in detail, and I am absolutely horrified.  There have been a large number of things that I have simply allowed to slip under the radar, and each of them have become monsters in their own right, tangling me up in a web of so-called obligations and harmless ‘fun’ and demanding to be fed.  How could I have done this?  How could I have failed to notice the evil that was rapidly encroaching on my life?  How could I have allowed myself to pass off so many things as ok that I became deadened to what was happening all around me?  I have done great wrong. 

First of all, the random torture scene I mentioned in my last post is called off permanently.  After deciding to do it, I reflected on the nature of the scene and what I would be required to do, and as I examined it in the light of scripture, I came to the conclusion that I could not write the scene.  In order to write it well, I would have to delve deeply into evil with my mind, which is exactly the opposite of what the Bible tells us to do.  Philippians 4:8 says that we need to reflect on that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy, and 1 Corinthians 14:20 says that in regard to evil, we must be infants.  We should not seek to know evil with our minds.  Instead, we should flee from it, agreeing to leave it in the dark where it belongs, seeking to keep our minds pure from the stain of evil. 

The second area is Enchantress.  I mentioned my dilemma in my last post, but I didn’t do it justice.  I have not taken enough pains to make sure that the writing in that work is honoring to God, and I have allowed it to stray, be it ever so slightly.  It will now be a matter of pulling in the reigns, and trying to weed out the evil and the small flaws in thinking so that they cannot take control.  The romance has to go, or at least be delayed in the story so that it happens at exactly the right time, and not before.  And there are other elements of the story that I have let slip, too numerous and too indistinct to mention here, but there nonetheless.  I can feel them. 

The third thing is music, particularly the music on my playlist.  Some of it (especially a lot of the songs by Blackmore’s Night) border on the occult and reveal a worldly mindset.  How can I be a Christian and claim to stand for everything that is pure and right when I have such music on my blog, and I listen to it on a regular basis?  Therefore, in the near future I plan to purge my playlist of all the music that does not honor God.  It simply must be done. 

And those are only a few of many things.  Slowly, God is opening my eyes to just how bad things have gotten.  I thought I was perfectly ok until now.  But now I see that my life has become slowly corrupted, and it will continue to be so until I put a stop to it.  I need to stop thinking that I am invincible to the evils of the world, and that I can go through a swamp in a white dress without it getting stained.  Oh, what a lie!  I need to be protecting myself just as vigilantly as I protect those younger than me, and as my parents protect me.  I urge you all: do the same.  Do not trick yourselves into accepting things that are not of God.  Flee from evil and do good.  If you must err, err on the side of being too pure and too safe, especially while you're still young.  More often than not, you’ll end up just where you need to be. 

Copyright 2009 by Cherise A. You must ask me before using any of my stuff, and my name must appear along with the poem or post if you reproduce it.