Proverbs 31 Devotionals

• Oct. 13, 2008 - "Seducing Your Husband"

"Seducing Your Husband"

I Pet. 3:1-4 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without talk by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

This means that we are to hold our husband in high esteem, not that we are subordinate, or less than him. It doesn't mean that we have to always agree with him. Although, when disagreeing, we need to keep a gentleness about the issue, and not be nagging or talking down to him while discussing the situation. It means a willingness to yield to his headship. Yielding to his headship is also yielding to God because God is over your husband.

Seducing our husband in a Christian way is by adorning ourself with a gentle and quiet spirit, and adorning ourself with honor and respect toward our husband. I read one time where wives complain that they want their husbands to love them more. Husbands, on the other hand, want their wives to RESPECT them.

When out in public, what do women do when they step into the ladies room? Invariably, they will check their lipstick and their hair. If there's no restroom close by, most women will carry a little compact case with them. Spiritually, we need to have a compact case, filled with honor, respect, and reverence for our husband, ready to be pulled out and put on at any given moment.

If we spend time making ourself pretty for our boss, then we need to do the same for our husband. I know that can be hard. After wearing high heels and control-top pantyhose all day, we just want to come home, and "let it all hang out."

One thing about the outer beauty, it needs to be tempered with modesty. In I Tim. 2:9 it says that women should dress modestly, with decency and propriety (proper and fitting)... In other words, if it is too low, too high, or too tight, then it is not modest, and it is dressing with the intent to seduce. I am sad to say that I have seen too much of this in my own church. I have serious misgivings about wanting to hang out with any woman who dress for church in such a way. To me, they are much more concerned with getting attention for themselves and taking the attention from the Lord. How that must anger our Lord to see these kinds of women literally setting themselves up as an idol, and in His house!

A lot of our beauty is, in fact, store-bought. We buy the make-up, jewelry, clothing, curling iron, pay the beautician, etc. There is nothing wrong with this, but we need to be careful to remember that it's not the outer that is really you. YOU are what is inside! I Pet. 3:4 talks about the hidden person of the heart - that is speaking about the stuff on the inside of you, not your outer beauty. The inner beauty should always take precedence over the outer beauty. A good test for this: Which gets more attention? Feeding your spirit the Word and praying, or putting on your make-up and clothing? Ouch!

We need to be spending as much time on our inner beauty. If we invest in God's presence, then he will transform us by His glory. II Cor. 3:18

If we dishonor our husband, then we are wearing ugly attire and ugly adornment. If we talk him down to our friends and in front of our children, we are adorning ourselves with ugliness. If we struggle in this area, we need to ask God to transform us on the inside.

When is the last time that you spoke a kind word to your husband? When is the last time that you encouraged him or complimented him? Men greatly need to be encouraged and respected. I try to remind myself how blessed I am to be able to stay home with my daughter. I realize that my husband works hard so that I can stay home. That makes it much easier for me to come up with the words of appreciation.

What makes something rare and precious is that it is something of great value. Prov. 31:10 says that a wife of noble character is worth far more than rubies. You can find pretty women all day long, but it's often hard to find a woman who is rare, precious, and excellent in her character. YOUR VALUE IS PRECIOUS TO GOD! Let God polish you with the Holy Spirit. This is something that is very attractive to God, and as you allow Him to do so, GOD will begin to work on your husband. Before you know it, your husband is going to be truly seduced, in a Christian kind of way.

I Pet. 3:4 talks about the UNFADING beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. Over time, most of us will probably put on some weight. Our outer appearances will change over time. Our hair may turn gray. We will develop wrinkles. God wants us to develop that UNFADING beauty of the inner person and not concentrate so much on the outer beauty, which is bound to fade in time.

Dear Lord, help us to desire to spend that quality time with You, knowing that it is the inner beauty which is of utmost importance in our lives. Teach us how to honor, respect, and reverence our husbands in new ways. Help us to be diligent in this. Our husbands face so much as they are out there working in the world. Help us to make the home a sanctuary for them by being the gentle and quiet women that You desire us to be. Let our homes and our attitudes be peaceful from the many storms that we face in this world. Amen.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 3, 2008 - Crawling Into His Shell

Posted in Marriage

Crawling Into His Shell

I often hear women complain that their husbands won’t ever talk to them. Invariably, they refer to him as having crawled into a shell.

On the other hand, women rarely seem to have trouble talking when something is bothering them. We whine, complain, nag, and yell. We are often like the constant dripping in Proverbs 27:15-16.

Why is it so hard for men to open up to us? Many times, the answer lies with us. We make it impossible for them by making them feel that they don’t measure up to our expectations. We have a keen way of making them think they are never good enough. Opening up to a woman like that when a man feels so vulnerable would be like entering a snake pit, with her poisonous tongue striking again and again. It’s no wonder men would prefer to crawl into a shell!

If we want our husbands to open up to us, there are a few things we can do.

1. Choose to do him good and not harm. (Proverbs 31:12) Sometimes the best way we can “do him good” is by lending him a listening ear. Many times, he is not looking for a solution to his problems; he simply wants a safe place to vent.

2. We can clothe ourselves with strength and dignity. (Proverbs 31:25) We need to develop the strength to restrain ourselves when we are tempted to say something critical. When we clothe ourselves with dignity, we have a proper and godly self-image. People who don’t have a godly self-image often do not have a lot of self-respect. They are often people who have been hurt. Hurt people will hurt other people. Frequently, the one hurt is our husband.

3. We can choose to speak words of wisdom and faithful instruction. (Proverbs 31:26) One way to do this when our husband needs to vent, is to say, “Honey, how can I help you?” We could say, “Would you like for me to pray with you about this?” It shows respect to him because we are not pushing our opinions on him.

4. Put a guard on your mouth. (Psalm 141:3) The best way to guard our mouth is by daily submitting it to the Lord, asking Him to help us speak words that are loving, kind, gentle, and full of grace.

If we are diligent to do these four steps, instead of watching him retreat into his shell, we may hear him praising us. (Proverbs 31:28)

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 3, 2008 - Our Husband's Burden

Posted in Marriage

Our Husband's Burden

Women who are stay-at-home moms are in a better position to attend Bible studies, watch Christian TV, listen to Christian radio, and spend more time in the Word. This can help us grow immensely in our walk with the Lord.

A problem arises, however, when we start to think we are more spiritual than our husband because we rarely see him in the Word. What we fail to realize is that he can't be in the Word like we can because he is working so hard to provide for the family. We need to realize that he has a tremendous burden on him in doing that! It should move us to intercede on his behalf a lot more than we probably do.

We may not be aware of how he may truly be growing in his walk with the Lord as he carries the burden of meeting all of the monthly financial obligations. There's the mortgage, the car payment, utility bills, food, and insurance, just to name a few. That doesn't even include the extras such as braces or the cost of gymnastics, ballet, soccer, or basketball. God may be using the weight of the financial burden to really develop your husband's dependency upon Himself.

I remember hearing a pastor say that a man's mind is constantly thinking about finances, the bills, and being the sole provider. When he asked the men in the congregation if he was correct in his assessment, the sanctuary erupted with a chorus of ‘Amen.’

God may be teaching your husband to trust Him, while maintaining a peaceful heart when he hears about more job cuts in his company. God may be developing his spirituality in the many situations he faces every day. If he works with the public, he may be learning to extend grace to people in ways that create huge spiritual growth in his life. God may develop him through the ‘school of hard knocks,’ rather than through the resources that you have at your disposal.

I know that when I became a stay-at-home mom, I grew in ways that I never thought possible. Yet, at the same time, when I worked full time as a customer service rep, I also had many opportunities to grow in grace while dealing with very upset customers. When I worked at the hospital, often dealing with families whose loved ones were terminally ill, God used those experiences to help me learn to show mercy and compassion, even while taking care of the paperwork to get their loved one admitted to our unit. So, you see, God can do wonders in developing your husband's spiritual walk, even while he is at work.

Our husbands carry a heavy load, knowing that if they don't provide for their own family, they are worse than an infidel. (I Timothy 5:8) That is a huge load to carry, and if we fail to realize how deeply spiritual it is to meet this obligation, we fail to be that crowning glory to our husband. (Proverbs 12:4) When we bless them, encourage them, and thank them for the wonderful way in which they provide for our family, we speak life to them. (Proverbs 18:21) When we encourage them, as well as pray for them, we also fulfill the words in Galatians 6:2 where it tells us to carry each other's burdens.

Do you need to help ‘carry’ his burden?

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 2, 2008 - Criticism

Posted in Marriage

Criticism

None of us like to be criticized, and we like it even less when we are criticized by our own husband. The Bible tells us that there are times when we should admonish others, but when our husband sees a reason to admonish us, we can turn on him like a viper, ready to strike. We seem to forget the biblical mandate for admonishing others. Next, we start hollering about how he has no right to criticize us. Finally, we feel that carnal nature rising up within us to put him in his place and show him that if anyone in our household needs some criticizing, it is him!

Why would God choose to use our husband to admonish us?

1. Sometimes we refuse to listen to God.

We are constantly surrounded by noise. If it's not the radio, TV, the phone, or the kids, then it's the noise of things like the washing machine. It's no wonder we don't hear God speak to us!

In Psalm 81:8, God tells the people that if only they would listen, He could admonish them. How many times have I neglected to listen to the Lord?

2. Sometimes God may use our husband to test us.

We may be thinking that we have a true servant's heart, but God may use our husband to reveal to us that we only have a servant's heart toward certain people, and it's not those in our own house. In testing us, God may be watching to see how we respond when our husband brings up a valid issue.

3. Sometimes God speaks through our husband to correct us.

Our husbands often have a keen ability to sense when things at home may be out of balance. Granted, there are times when the house may be in shambles when he comes home because we've been too busy taking care of sick kids. However, if this is a common occurrence, God may speak through your husband to help you change priorities so that you will be more in line with Titus 2 where it talks about being keepers at home.

Our husband may sense that we are too immersed in outside activities, and it is causing chaos to reign in the home instead of making it a peaceful place of refuge for everyone at the end of a long day. He may sense that while we may be physically present in the home, we have mentally ‘checked out.’ This ‘checking out’ could be in the form of reading excessively, talking on the phone endlessly, spending unnecessary time on the Internet, or becoming a news junkie. It could mean that we have become an addict of soap operas or even the daily talk shows. The result is the same – CHAOS in the home.

4. Sometimes God will use our husband to caution us about unhealthy friendships.

I know that my own husband has keen insight a lot of the time regarding my friends. One time he cautioned me about a certain ‘friend’ with whom I was spending a lot of time. I did not heed the wisdom in what he shared. The price to be paid was great, for this ‘friend’ turned on me and stabbed me in the back. She was a conniving, manipulating person. For me to try and defend myself from her attacks would only add fuel to the fire. I had to stand back and let God take control and let Him vindicate me. Sad to say, but it was nearly two years before I got the confirmation that He had indeed vindicated me. I have learned a lot through that experience, but how much better off would I have been if only I had listened to the wise words of my husband? I have no doubt that it was the Spirit of the Lord speaking through him, trying to caution me against a wolf in sheep's clothing.

If your husband speaks to you about your friends, please seriously consider what he is saying to you. We are wise when we are cautious in our friendships, and sometimes a man's perspective can save us a load of turmoil later. (Proverbs 12:26) Because I failed to listen, I suffered much emotional and mental anguish. Is it any wonder? We are told in Proverbs 13:20 that if we hang out with fools, we will indeed suffer harm.

What should be our response when we feel our husband is criticizing us?

1. First, let your spirit rule you, rather than your emotions. When you do this, you will be more apt to follow the biblical mandate to be quick to hear, but slow in speaking or becoming angry. (James 1:19)

2. Don't repay him with evil. (Proverbs 20:22) Keep in mind that love isn't rude. Even if we feel our husband is completely out of line with his comments, it does not give us the right to turn on him and be rude and hurtful. Nor is it the time to do a history lesson, bringing up a record of the many criticisms that you may have built up against him over the years.

3. Don't become stiff-necked. If we become stiff-necked and stay that way, scripture tells us that we will be destroyed. (Proverbs 29:1) If we are destroyed, who may be destroyed right along with us?

4. Be receptive. We need to open our heart to instruction and insights from other people. If we do, we may learn some vital truths that can really help us to grow in the Lord. (Proverbs 23:12)

5. Remember the load of responsibility that your husband carries, as the head of the house. God will hold him responsible for what takes place in the home. (I Timothy 3:13) Since he is the head of the household, God may very well use him to correct some things taking place in the home, and some of those issues may involve admonishing you.

6. Be adaptable. The Amplified Bible tells us in Titus 2:5 that we are to adapt ourselves to our husband. That may mean that we need to adjust to a new way of doing things. Just because we've always done something a certain way doesn't mean that we can't change that. When we are adaptable, rather than cantankerous, it keeps the Word from being discredited.

7. Get ready for glory! As God's children, we are being changed from glory to glory. Sometimes God will use the words spoken by our husband in an effort to achieve a major transformation in us that allows His glory to shine brilliantly through us.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 2, 2008 - Monotonous Marriage

Posted in Marriage

Monotonous Marriage

Has your marriage become one of just existing with one another? Has it lost its spark and pizzazz? Do you find that your marriage is boring?

When we said "I do" on our wedding day, we had high hopes for our marriage. In our dreamy state of mind, we thought that the spark and fervent passion would never die. All too often, reality sets in. The next thing we know, we wonder what happened.

Just because a marriage starts out well doesn't mean that it will continue to be a good marriage. You must work hard at it. It won't stay exciting unless you work to keep it exciting. You've probably heard it said that variety is the spice of life.

If you are struggling with a marriage that could use some added "zip" to it, start serving your husband with the attitude of serving Christ. In Mt. 25:35-36 Jesus tells us that when we feed someone who is hungry, it's the same as feeding Him. When we give a cup of cold water to someone, it's as doing it for Him. When we clothe someone, it's the same as doing it for Him.

In II Kings 5, we find the story of Naaman, who had leprosy. He got offended when he was told to dip himself in the Jordan River seven times. He thought it was a ridiculous thing to do. Naaman's servants asked him, "If the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it?" It's the same thing with us; if we are told to do some great thing for the Lord, we wouldn't hesitate. Yet, many of us draw back at giving fully of ourselves in our marriages. If we would step out and truly serve our husband, as if serving Christ, we may find ourselves in the midst of a great work of God in our marriage.

I encourage you to go the extra mile for your husband. Leave him encouraging notes or call him at work just to let him know that you are thinking of him. When he gets mustard stains on his shirt, scrub his shirt as if you are scrubbing Christ's shirt. Run an errand for him as if you were doing it for Christ. When he comes home, greet him with as much enthusiasm as you would greet your favorite person at church. Massage his back as if you were massaging the back of the Master. Let the Master's touch reach down and rejuvenate your marriage!

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 2, 2008 - Beauty and Her Beast

Posted in Marriage

Beauty and Her Beast

Are you married to an unbeliever? Are you married to a man who is harsh and rough around the edges? Do you sometimes feel hopelessly trapped in your situation?

Psalm 57:4 mentions living in the midst of lions and ravenous beasts with teeth like arrows and tongues like swords. Many of you who are living with an unbelieving spouse know this kind of conflict all too well. You are spiritually alive, while he remains spiritually dead. Because of this, he isn't able to understand many of the choices which you make. Nor can he understand why you choose to act so differently. Because of that, he may turn on you, speaking words that pierce your heart like arrows. He may be ravenous with his tongue, hungry to strike at you, cutting you in those places where it hurts the most.

God's Word has some encouragement for you. In Ps. 57:1, while in the midst of being pursued by Saul, David still found his refuge in the Lord. He would hide in the shadow of God's wings. In the next verse, he cries out to God, knowing that God would fulfill His purpose in David's life. Be encouraged! God will fulfill YOUR purpose, as well! In verse 4, David says that God sends His love and faithfulness. He will send His love and faithfulness to you also. In verse 11, David begins to extol the Lord, even in the midst of great trial.

It is so important to be faithful in prayer. Through those times of communion with the Lord, He can help you find the strength to endure even the harshness of bitter and unkind words. He can help change you to be a woman of quiet confidence. He can give you a spiritual grace and elegance, leading you to be a woman of a gentle and quiet spirit, which of great worth in the sight of God. (I Pet. 3)

II Chron. 16:9 says that the eyes of Lord roam the earth, just looking for those whose hearts are committed to Him because He wants to strengthen them.

You may feel that you are so alone. You may not feel God's presence. We mustn't fall into the trap of believing our emotions because they will fail us constantly, but God remains ever faithful. Job couldn't feel God or see God in the midst of his trials, but he boldly declared in Job 23:10 "But He knows the way that I take." (NIV) Even when your emotions are fickle, know that God does see you. He knows the way that you take. You haven't been out of His sight for one second.

In the midst of those trying times of living with an unbeliever, or even in just the everyday trials of life, remember that God is a refuge for the oppressed. He is a stronghold in your times of trouble. (Ps. 9:9) In the next verse, it says that God NEVER forsakes those who seek Him.

When you have fears assail you, hide under the shadow of the Almighty. Let Him alone be your Rock, Fortress, and Deliverer. When you do that, you will find that at nighttime, you can lie down and sleep. In the morning, you will awaken because Father sustains you, even in your sleep. (Ps. 3:5)

As you learn to apply the principals of God's Word, you will learn to answer your unbelieving husband with loving, gentle, and godly responses, in spite of how brutally he may talk to you. He may very well become intrigued with the new you. Above all, KEEP PRAYING FOR HIM, as well as praying for yourself. You may see the raging beast turn into a wonderful king of his castle, while you have already been functioning in the role of the elegant, graceful queen.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 2, 2008 - Are You Depreciating?

Posted in Marriage

Are You Depreciating?

I've been driving a 1989 Buick for about eight years. It's been a very good car, but has recently been having some trouble, so we have gone to a few used car lots, trying to figure out if we should trade up to a newer car. I learned a long time ago that it's not wise to buy a brand new car because they depreciate so quickly once you drive them off the car lot.

Thinking upon depreciation, it got me to thinking about how we can depreciate in our husbands eyes if we aren't careful. Proverbs 31:10 tells us about the worth of a virtuous woman. Obviously, this woman's worth is more valuable as time goes by, but how many of us get lax in what we are doing, and could honestly say that we are 'depreciating'? Webster's New World Dictionary defines 'depreciate' as: "to lessen in value, to belittle."

One way that I think we can depreciate is through thinking that we can change our husband. In times of conversation, he may just be wanting to vent his frustrations from the day. He isn't looking for any advice; he just wants a listening ear. But, what do we do? We try to 'fix' him. We tell him what he should have said, or should have done. If he tells us what he did say, we may find ourselves saying, "Why did you say that? Why didn't you tell him....?" What we don't realize is that when we give our husband advice when he hasn't asked for it, we are attempting to change him. Eve did that, and look where it took her and Adam. We are still suffering the consequences of how Eve desired to change her husband.

We depreciate in value when we are like the quarrelsome wife. Sometimes we may even hear our husband say, "You never agree with anything I say or do!" You may wonder what caused such an outburst like that from him. After all, you were only trying to help! What we don't realize is that our constant attempts to try to 'fix' him are really disguised criticisms (or belittling him). When we criticize him, we are telling him that we don't really accept him as he is. Yet, in I Corinthians 13, we find that love protects. Disguised criticism doesn't protect, but rather, it attacks his manhood. It also takes away that safe place where he can vent from time to time. We are told in Matthew 7:1 that we shouldn't criticize, yet many times, we find ourselves criticizing the person whom God has placed in authority over us.

One of the best gifts we can give someone is a listening ear. There have been many instances of a husband having an affair because his wife would never listen to him, so he found someone else who would.

We depreciate when we constantly interrupt. If our husband is trying to talk to us, and we keep interrupting him, we may miss out on learning new things about him. We might be able to learn about his deep thoughts, feelings, desires, and his character. We need to learn from our husband in quietness. (I Tim. 2:11) Too often, we fail to truly listen, causing our husband to give up in trying to express himself. Most men get tired of competing for a chance to speak, so they eventually begin to just shut up. They've been out working, fighting all kinds of battles during the day. They aren't about to battle it out with their wife for a chance to speak.

Another way we can quickly depreciate is by failing to respect our husband. Part of fulfilling that command is to admire him. Men love to be admired! Often, an affair starts because a woman starts to admire a man and he falls for it because his wife has stopped admiring him. The sowing and reaping principle works well here. When we are faithful to admire our husband, we help him to love himself. That may cause him to begin to nourish his relationship with you, to treasure and protect you like he is commanded in Ephesians 5:28-29. Actively look for ways to praise him. One thing my husband does frequently for me is to open jars. I get frustrated because I have no strength in my hands. I am grateful for a strong husband who can help me get those stubborn lids opened! After he opens it, I will gently stroke his arm, commenting on his strong muscles. What man wouldn't love to hear things like that?

When people begin to look at buying a used car, they will often check the 'book value' of that car. What is your 'book value'? Does Father need to do a little refurbishing on you?

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 2, 2008 - Submission - The Dreaded "S" Word

Posted in Marriage

The Dreaded "S" word - Submission

Submission should be something that we are honored to do, but oftentimes, it is dreaded as something so horribly awful. I think that there has been some teaching out there that is unbiblical regarding submission. As I learned some Biblical things about submission, it has helped me look at it in a whole new way. I pray that the insights will help each one of you be able to embrace the role of submitting to your husband.

I like the Amplified version of Eph. 5:33 -- ...let the wife see that she respects and reverences (deeply respects, loves, and is in awe of) her husband. She should notice him, regard (consider, gaze upon, to hold in affection and respect) him, honor him, prefer him, venerate (look upon with deep respect) him, and esteem (to value highly) him, and that she defers (to yield with courtesy) to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.

As God has delivered me from some patterns of wrong thinking due to moral

failures that occurred before I was married, I have been able to enjoy my husband in new ways. We have been married almost fifteen years now, but oftentimes, I find myself flirting with him, just with my eyes. We will both get to giggling, and then Rachel will start saying, "What's so funny?" Which, of course, only makes us laugh harder. We just tell her that it's something between mommy and daddy. If you aren't in the habit of flirting with your husband, I highly recommend it! You may be very pleasantly surprised at the results.

One year I bought some massage oil for him. Even after being married well over ten years, he blushed when he opened it. This was just another way of regarding him and esteeming him.

In the above verse in Eph. 5, it mentions preferring your husband. A way to show that I prefer him is that when he gets home in the evening, I try not to make any phone calls. If a phone call comes in for me, I keep it short, and just explain to the person that my husband is home so I need to go. I also try to stay off of the computer when he is home. This shows honor to him, as well as preferring him. I also don't make plans to get together with my girlfriends when he is going to be home. Another way to show respect for him is that if you are watching TV, and he wants to talk, turn it off. Show him that you are more interested in what he has to say than what the "one-eyed monster" is saying.

If you feel that you are at a loss of how to apply this scripture in your marriage, ask God to reveal to you ways that you can apply it. I did that and God began to show me other ways, as well as what I had already put into practice. One thing is so simple, but yet it is still a way to respect and regard him. When I wash the bath towels, I always put his on top of the stack. Then when he needs it, he doesn't have to dig through the stack. I try to keep socks and underwear for him in the bathroom so that when he goes to take a shower, it's one less thing that he has to dig out from the bedroom. These are such simple, easy things, but as moms, don't you find that it's the simple things that your spouse does for you that you tend to appreciate the most? For instance, what if he makes the bed or says that he will do the dishes? Those things don't take up a lot of time, but I know that I deeply appreciate having someone else do them for me once in a while.

A way in which you can defer to your husband is by letting him choose the TV show for the evening or even by letting him pick the restaurant when you are going out to eat. Even if you may not feel like doing it, when he says, "Let's go to...," answer enthusiastically by saying, "Sure! Sounds great!" This is just one more way where you defer to him. If he is suggesting that you go someplace, it means that he is desiring YOUR company!

Many men don't take the time to nurture friendships with other men. They are too busy trying to make a living. I began to pray about this issue. It was only a matter of a few weeks before my husband was out having coffee and met another Christian man. They get together often to chat. I don't begrudge him of this because I have seen the difference that this one friendship has made in his attitude.

While on this subject, let me highly recommend the book called "The Power of a Praying Wife." It is an awesome book that will help you pray more effectively for your husband. That book is what lead me to start praying for a male friend for my husband. I have added that book to part of my devotional time. The prayers are loaded with scripture. I love putting scripture in my prayers because I have no doubt as to whether or not I am praying for God's will. It helps me to stay more focused on my prayers for my husband as well. I have seen positive results from these prayers many times.

Another simple way I have found to honor my husband is by planning just about every night to use the massager on his back. He gets to hurting, and that really does help to make him feel better, not to mention that it just plain feels good! A side note here is that shortly after I started making this a habit, he was talking to a lady who asked him if I worked. He responded by telling her "Yes, she works hard. She has a hot meal fixed for me every night and she massages my back just about every night!" That made me feel more appreciated than if he had brought home a dozen roses.

In I Pet. 3:1 it says that wives should submit to their husbands. If you skip down to verse 5, it's still talking about the submission issue, and it says that the holy women of old WHO HOPED IN GOD were submissive to their husbands, adapting themselves to their husbands. The bottom line here is that if we can't submit to our husband, then we have a problem with our relationship with the Lord. Notice that the verse says the holy women of old hoped in GOD. They saw their submission to their husband as a submission to God. They trusted God to take care of them, even if their husbands made a bad choice. Now I'm not saying that we need to submit to them if they are asking us to sin. That is entirely different.

Let me give you an example. My husband wanted me to start the process of looking for a different house. I was not thrilled with the idea, but I obeyed him, and have started looking. I am putting my trust in the Lord that if we are to move, that God will make a way for it. If God doesn't want us to move, then I am praying for Him to close any doors that my husband may want to go through that aren't God's plan for us.

I have found that it is really easy to look at someone else's faults (including my husband's), and want to pray for God to change them. I have learned that it is much wiser to pray for God to change ME! Often, God will let us go through things to teach us something. There may be something that you really want to change, but God may want to get you to be content in the circumstance BEFORE He decides to bring about a change in it. Hmm, seems to me that Paul mentioned learning how to be content in any circumstance.

Another way to show respect for him is to keep the house in good order. No husband wants to come home to disarray after working hard all day. I'm not saying to have the place spotless at all times. I'm just saying that it should be orderly, without toys and clutter being everywhere when he walks in the door. Your home should be a sanctuary for him, a place where he feels at peace and rest. It should be an inviting place for him. If you do this, not only are you following what God would have you to do, but you are also putting the enemy to flight. You are giving one less temptation to your husband by making the home inviting to him. You are making it a place where he wants to be.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Headship - The Husband's Role

Posted in Marriage

Headship: The Husband's Role

We have spent the last several messages on our roles in the home. I thought that we should take some time to view the husband's role.

"You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the same way Christ is in charge of his body, the church...So you wives must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the church obeys Christ...and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband - obeying, praising, and honoring him." (Eph. 5:22-24,33) The Living Bible. In the NIV, it says that the husband is the head of the wife.

The footnotes in the Full Life Study Bible for the above verses say, "God has established the family as the basic unit in society. Every family must have a leader. Therefore, God has assigned to the husband the responsibility of being the head of the wife and family. His headship must be exercised in love, gentleness, and consideration for his wife and family. The husband's God-given responsibility of "head of the wife" includes: (1) provision for the family's spiritual and domestic needs; (2) love, protection and interest in her welfare in the same way that Christ loves the church; (3) honor, understanding, appreciation and thoughtfulness; (4) absolute faithfulness to the marriage relationship." I want to focus on number one in this group. Many times over the years, while attending ladies Bible study groups, I have heard different ladies ask us to pray for their husband. They would talk about how he wasn't being the "spiritual leader" of the home. In looking at the above scriptures, he isn't called the "spiritual leader of the home," but he is called the "head" of the wife.

Let's look a little further into this. Many women complain that their husbands won't do family devotions. As for his "provision for the family's spiritual needs" (mentioned above), if he is working extra hard so that the wife can be at home with the children, he is entrusting them to the one person whom he should be able to trust the most. Your children will be indoctrinated by someone, and if we are blessed to be stay-at-home moms, then we have ample opportunity to be training them and instructing them in righteousness.

Gen. 2:18 says, "I will make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs." (Liv. Bible) As a helper, what better way can you help him than by raising godly children? If you train them and instruct them to be well-behaved, God-fearing children, then it will be a joy for your precious husband to come home after a hard day at work. He will surely appreciate your many efforts in raising godly children.

Prov. 31 talks about how the husband is respected at the city gates. This was where he conducted his business affairs. One reason why he was respected was because of the noble wife who was at home, doing her husband good and not harm, all the days of her life. She carefully managed the home, not just in the practical matters like grocery shopping, doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning, but also in the spiritual training of the children. After all, this whole Proverb is about a mother who is teaching her son. I doubt that all of the insights which are in this one Proverb were taught to him in a single sitting. Rather, they were lived out before him, on a daily basis by his godly mother.

I asked a few men what their perception of their role as "head" was. I got the same answer from every man. They weren't looking at it from the standpoint of leading devotions or family prayer time, but they perceived it to be a place where they would discuss things with their wives, but the final decision would be theirs. If they made the wrong decision, then they had the weight of that wrong decision falling on their shoulders. They saw this position as one of leadership in more of a practical role, rather than a leader in the sense of leading the family where spiritual things are concerned. I am not saying whether their views were right or wrong. My point in asking this was to show us that how women view "head of the wife" and how men view that particular role, are often completely different.

We may be whining and complaining because our husband won't take the initiative in doing family devotions. When God is pruning us, he will often use those closest to us to bring about the pruning process. Too many times I have heard ladies complaining about their husband, asking us to pray for him, but I don't recall ever hearing a lady say, "Would you pray for me to be content in a situation I am facing until God sees fit to make a change in it?" You see, it's too easy to point our fingers at what we perceive to be wrong in our husbands. It's much harder to face the fact that maybe Father is wanting to teach us contentment, joy, and peace, regardless of the situation we are facing.

I remember talking with a lady one time who was complaining because her husband didn't want them attending Wednesday night services. She was very unhappy with that because church was very important to her. When she told me that she was praying for God to change his heart on that matter, I suggested that maybe God was trying to teach her to honor his feelings, to stay at home on Wednesday nights, and be happy about doing it! She had never thought of it that way. As she began to change her attitude on it, God began to move in BOTH of their lives. They are both more active in church now.

If honest, we could understand why many husbands would be intimidated by the thought of leading family devotions. We women have a way with our body language that can speak volumes, even if our mouths are shut. If we feel that he isn't doing a good enough job, is he going to be able to perceive that by our body language? We have the ability to roll our eyes, thinking that he can't see it, but oops! He did see, and it makes him feel that he can't do anything that meets your standards for family devotions. How many times do we find that we interrupt our husbands in the course of a normal conversation? Is it really going to be any different if he is leading family devotions? Won't we still be tempted to say, "Oh, honey, they can't understand those big words." Or, we might say, "They don't understand that concept. You have to tell them like this..." The key is to give the children a chance to say, "Daddy, what do you mean when you say....?" We need to remember not to interrupt him.

Another thought on this line is that if you really want family devotions, ask him what he thinks about it. He may not be interested in doing it at all. You might suggest that you all come into the room, then YOU be the one to lead that time. Maybe he could be the one to tell the children that it's family devotion time. He could be the one to do the scripture reading, but you would be the one teaching the lesson. Most of the time it is Mom who spends the most time with the children, so it should fall upon Mom to be the one to find devotions to use that are fun, exciting, and age-appropriate. (I highly recommend the books Heritage Builders Family Night Tool Chest.)

A word of caution - if you take it upon yourself to do family devotions, and you ask your husband if he would like to join, if he tells you "no" two or three times, then back off and quit asking him. If you continue to ask, it will come across as nagging. Let's look at two approaches.

"It's time for devotions. Get in here so we can get started." OR "Honey, we are going to do devotions now. Would you like to join us?" By which response do you think you can gently persuade him to want to join? The first one will obviously put up a "wall" between the two of you because you aren't being respectful at all toward him.

I have heard many women complaining about the lack of "spiritual leadership" in the home. Your husband isn't called a spiritual head, but he is called the head. Your spiritual head is Christ. If you are looking for family devotion times to fulfill you, give you peace, or to help you grow, you are putting something on your husband that only Father God is able to fulfill in you. Please don't misunderstand me on this issue. I am not negating the husband's responsibility in helping to train and instruct the children in righteousness. I am just looking at it from a different point of view - a view that I don't feel that is looked upon very much. Keep in mind that by his diligence in going to work and providing a home, along with paying the bills, he IS teaching something to your children. He is teaching a good work ethic about working as "unto the Lord." He is teaching them about providing for their families, for I Tim. 5:8 tells us that if a man doesn't provide for his own family, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever. If he is loving, caring, and gentle, he is giving them a good example of a loving Father in heaven. Your children will grow up with a better view of God because they have seen those godly traits portrayed in their own earthly father.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Dangers of Usurping Our Authority

Posted in Marriage

Dangers of Usurping our Authority

If you are like me, when you hear the word "submit," an automatic wall can pop up around you. So many of us have gotten sucked into the beliefs of the culture we live in, rather than staying rooted and grounded in what the Word has to say on this subject. Because of that, I wanted to look at a couple of examples in scripture of women who usurped their authority.

Our first example is Eve. She used her persuasive power to talk Adam into giving up his leadership and following her fleshly desires when they ate the fruit. We still suffer from the consequences of their actions. If we take the time to contemplate how our lack of submission or obedience can affect future generations, we might be less inclined to give in to our flesh.

Solomon's wives turned his heart to other gods when he allowed them to assume the leadership role in the marriage.

Sarah talked Abraham into using Hagar to fulfill God's promise to them regarding a son. There has been a constant conflict since that time between the Arabs and the Jews. Even this very day we are facing some of the remaining consequences of Sarah "usurping her authority." Daily, we have precious soldiers losing their lives, or being wounded in Iraq. If Sarah hadn't taken the lead on this issue, I have to wonder if we would even be in Iraq right now.

Submission to our husbands is seen by God as an actual part of our obedience to Christ. We are told in Eph. 5:22 to submit to our husband as "unto the Lord."

What do you do when you feel it's God's will to do a certain thing, but your husband tells you not to do it? Num. 30:6-16 has some wonderful insights. I will highlight a few of them here, but in your quiet time, I would suggest that you take the time to read all of it. "If she marries after she makes a vow or after her lips utter a rash promise by which she obligates herself, and her husband hears about it but says nothing to her, then her vows...will stand. But if her husband forbids her when he hears about it, he nullifies the vow...and the Lord will release her...Her husband may confirm or nullify any vow she makes...If, however, he nullifies them some time after he hears about them, then he is responsible for her guilt." (NIV) You can see here that if our spouse says no to something, then he is taking the full responsibility on the issue. Seeing this gives me a new respect for the leadership that is upon my husband's shoulders.

In I Sam. 1, we see the story of Hannah pleading with the Lord to give her a son. She makes a vow to dedicate him to the Lord's service. Notice in verse 22, Hannah tells Elkanah that she is going to present Samuel before the Lord, to live there always. In verse 23, Elkanah tells her, "Do what seems best to you." (NIV) If he had told her not to do it, even though she had made the vow to the Lord, God would have released her from that vow.

In Acts 16:1, we find that Timothy's mother was a Jewess, but his father was a Greek (an unbeliever). By law, Timothy was to be circumcised. Because of his father being Greek, his mother did not take him to be circumcised. God held Timothy's father accountable for this, not Timothy's mother. When Timothy became of age, he chose to be circumcised. (v. 3) You can see here that Timothy's mother had a submissive heart toward her husband. Could her obedience to honoring and submitting to her husband have anything to do with how God used Timothy? I believe that it is quite possible.

We may be submissive to our husbands most of the time, and we may feel pretty good about doing that. However, we need to remember what the Word says in I Sam. 15:22. To obey is better than sacrifice. As wives and mothers, we are well acquainted with sacrificing. Regardless of how much we sacrifice, God wants us to be careful to obey in everything, to submit in everything. (Unless the submission would require us to sin against the Lord.) You see, unless there is obedience all the time, there is no obedience any of the time. If we choose when we are going to obey, we're not really obeying at all. We are just choosing to do our own will, which happens to agree with our husband's will at certain times. John 14:23 tells us that if we love Jesus, we will obey the teachings of Christ. In verse 24 it says that those who don't love Jesus will not obey His teachings. Those are some really tough words to swallow, but if we remember that our lack of obedience in this area can have effects that are felt for many generations to come, it may drive us to our knees and depend on our Loving Father like we have never depended on Him before.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Our Prince Charming

Posted in Marriage

Our Prince Charming

As little girls, we were told tales of a Prince Charming arriving on a white horse to take the girl away to live happily in his beautiful castle.

We heard the story about the girl who kissed the toad, and he turns into Prince Charming. The reality of the story for many of us is that when kissed Prince Charming, we discovered that he was a TOAD!

We've heard it said that love is blind. Many a bride has stood at the altar to say, "I do." After the honeymoon is over, we may discover that Prince Charming is a slob who can never put anything in the right place. He would rather eat by the light and sound of the television, rather than by candlelight and the sound of pleasant conversation with his bride. We may discover that Prince Charming sounds just like a locomotive when he snores!

This man who vowed to be faithful and true may desire to spend his free time with his buddies, leaving his bride all alone in a cracker-box sized house that is in dire need of some attention. The dream of that castle is long forgotten. He may forget his vows to be true to her, whether it's by acts of adultery or his lying to her, saying he is working late, when he's really hanging out with the guys at a sports bar.

This man who seemed so kind and gentle during the engagement suddenly has a fiery temper, which explodes and manifests itself by throwing things, causing them to break. He not only breaks things like picture frames, and lamps, he breaks her heart with his cruel words.

What happened to the dream of the Prince arriving on a white horse to carry me away? Was it just a dream? No, my sister, I assure you that it is not just a dream! "I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True." Rev. 19:11 "On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS." Rev. 19:16 (NIV)

John 14:1-7 assures us that Jesus has gone to prepare a place for us and that He will come back to take us to that place. May I be so bold as to say that I believe the place He where He is going to take us is a castle? In Rev. 21:18-21, we find more descriptive words about this place where we will be taken. "The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third chalcedony, the fourth emerald, the fifth sardonyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of pure gold, like transparent glass." (NIV)

As if this weren't enough, we see in Rev. 22:3 that there will be no curse there. We won't ever have to face unfaithfulness there, nor will there be any bitter words, no more hurting hearts, no betrayals, no loneliness, and no shame!

Yes, there really is a Prince Charming for us! Our Prince is the Prince of Peace, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords!

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Reality Marriage

Posted in Marriage

Reality Marriage

There are so many "reality shows" on TV right now. Yet, when I have wasted some time watching them, they aren't "reality" at all. The only reality that I have seen in so many of them is that you will get hurt emotionally, you will have people stab you in the back, and you will end up looking like a fool in most scenarios.

So many "lovestruck" couples get ideas in their heads of what marriage is going to be for them. Shortly after they say "I do," their "reality" sets in. While women find fulfillment in relationships, men find fulfillment in their accomplishments. They find fulfillment in being able to cross one more item off of their lifelong list of things to do, and getting married is usually one of those items. While the wife wants to nurture their relationship, have candlelight dinners, and cuddle on the couch together, the man may be looking at his agenda, searching for the next thing to conquer. For the bride who has the "lovestruck" notion that her new husband will meet all of her needs, she finds that she is bitterly disappointed.

TV doesn't help in the view of marriage. There are so many shows which have fairy tale endings such as Cinderella. Her prince charming comes and dashes her away to live a perfect life, willing to meet her every wish. We all know that isn't reality. Reality is that over 50% of marriages will fail. Reality is that there are many wives who face physical or emotional abuse on a daily basis.

Ladies, your husband will fail at some point. Maybe he won't ever beat you or commit adultery. Praise God if he doesn't! However, we need to remember that he is just a man, and man will at some point have failures to face. How we, as wives, respond to those failures will speak volumes to him. When failure hits him, he is going to be dealing with a myriad of emotions and thoughts. He may feel worthless, fearful, stressed, insignificant, or unloved, just to name a few. His self-esteem may be at an all-time low. As the woman who has vowed to honor and cherish this man, we must guard our words, as well as our body language when he faces these troublesome times.

One thing we often try to do is help him, but we do it in our own strength, rather than depending on the Lord. By continuing in our own strength, we may blurt out, "I told you it was a bad idea!" So much for following the biblical mandate to encourage one another! (Heb. 3:13, 10:25) Poor hubby already knows it was a bad idea; that's why it failed! He doesn't need us to remind him of that failure, making him feel like more of a failure himself.

It's important to remember that when we face failures, we often view ourselves as being the failure, when in reality, the failure came through something which we may have done. There is a difference. For instance, if I try a new recipe and it turns out terrible, that doesn't mean that I am a failure at cooking. It just means that particular recipe was a failure. I have to move on to another meal, forgetting about the previous one.

We must be diligent to pray even more aggressively during these times. God is willing to give us wisdom when we ask for it. (James 1:5) What we think we should say to him may not be the wisest thing to say, so we must stay connected to the Lord, trusting Him to help us be an encourager. We are told in scripture to bear one another's burdens. (Gal. 6:2) Many times we think of doing this to those outside of our home, but whose burden would be better to bear than our spouse's? After all, we did vow to love him in the good times and the bad times.

We need to be considerate of his feelings and moodiness. Let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk, but let him know that you don't want to force him to talk if silent reflection is what he feels that he needs for the moment. My husband has been going through some real trials lately. On top of that, he is overwhelmed with three jobs that loom before him. It seems like he is running into difficulty with all three jobs. While letting him vent to me this morning, I casually mentioned a couple of things which the Lord has recently shown me, and gently suggested that he try looking at his tasks in the same way. I believe that part of why he was receptive to this is because I take the time to ask him about his work. I also ask if there is anything I can do to help, and I sympathize with what he is feeling. I don't try to solve his problem, or attack his manhood by telling him that he is doing it all wrong. I give him the listening ear that he needs, and then he is receptive to a gentle, biblically based admonition, because I'm not preaching at him. I am just gently instructing him on something that I have been praying about in my own life, and sharing what God has shown me.

When your husband is facing bitter disappointments, be sure to tell him that you're sorry it didn't work out like he had hoped. Tell him that you can certainly understand how discouraged he must be. After you have taken time to acknowledge the situation, along with his feelings about it, then you may find it appropriate to gently remind him that God hasn't ever failed you, so you have confidence in God's ability to see him through this time. Remind him that God has started a good work in him, and God will carry it through to completion. Phil. 1:6

In closing, we need to remember that God made man with an intense need for sex. When he is going through troublesome times that leave him feeling like less of a man, we can do a fabulous job by being responsive in that area. We may even need to be the initiators, letting him know that we still find him desirable. That physical release can be a huge help to a man who is facing some stressful times. Make it fun for him to be home. I have mentioned before how we, as wives, should make the home a refuge from the things of life. At times, that refuge may simply be in the bedroom.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Dying in Your Marriage

Posted in Marriage

Dying in Your Marriage

Marriage is a place of sacrifice. We sacrifice our single life to merge our life with another person. We no longer live just to ourselves. We now have a man who depends on us to work outside the home, (at least until children enter the picture), and still cook, clean, run errands, satisfy him sexually, -- need I go on?

Jesus told us that if we want to follow Him, we must deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him. (Lk. 9:23) Paul tells us that we are to die daily. (I Cor. 15:31) Many times, it seems like we are so willing to 'die daily' for our career, our boss, our pastor, our women's group at church, our extended family, yet when it comes to 'dying' for our husband, we put up a wall. Maybe that is why we are specifically commanded in Eph. 5:22 to submit to our husbands. Yet, notice that the husband isn't commanded to be the leader of the household. Hmmmm.....seems to me like God is trying to make a strong to point to that stubborn streak in many of us women.

Many of us have fallen into the trap of being a nagging wife. Dean calls me "Naggy" as a joke because I did have times when I used to be that constant dripping that is mentioned in Proverbs. While it wasn't funny at the time to be called "Naggy" (because the truth hurt), we can joke about it now. Thankfully, for the most part, the 'naggy' part of me has died!

I remember how I used to get so upset when Dean would go to his mother's house. It wasn't that I minded when he visited her. What made me mad was the fact that he wouldn't tell me he was going, then he'd be out there anywhere from five to seven hours, and I had no idea where he was. Often, I would have worked hard at the end of a long day to fix a nice meal, only to find that he wouldn't show up to enjoy it. THAT is what made me mad. Also, as a woman whose emotions could run wild, I'd begin to think that something bad had happened to him.

After allowing the Lord to show me how my approach in the matter was wrong, I approached Dean, affirming the importance of his visits with his mother. He often was going out to mow her yard since none of the other family members will pitch in to help her. I think it's wonderful that he cares enough to honor his mother by helping her in this. I was able to express that it didn't make me mad when he went there, but that I'd appreciate a phone call, letting me know that he is going out there because then I can fix something really simple for supper, and not worry about feeding him since I know that his mother will take care of that. In other words, if he simply lets me know that he is going to visit her, I know that I can have an easier evening because I won't have to be cooking a big meal for all of us. Now he knows that he won't face nagging from me whenever he is going to see his mother. It has brought a sense of peace to our home, knowing that this won't be an 'issue' anymore because we now understand each other's views on the matter.

There are many rewards to be reaped when we learn to die to ourselves and be the submissive wife that God wants us to be. We will have a gentle and quiet spirit. (I Pet. 3:4) Peaceful tranquility can be an everyday atmosphere in our home, even on really busy days. Our husbands will be much more relaxed when they come home because they know they no longer live with a nag. They won't have to be 'on pins and needles,' just waiting for the next blowup to take place. You will be able to have pleasant and peaceful conversations with each other, instead of the previous harping and bickering.

When we learn to crucify our fleshly desires in our marriage, we will learn to be more supportive and encouraging to our husbands. We will be willing to lay aside our plans in order to do things that could help make his day a little easier. We will pick up on signals from him that he may be struggling with depression, so we will take time to bake his favorite cookies or do something else that will help to show our love to him. When we see that he is really stressed about a situation, we will learn to crucify our flesh which may tell us how tired we are, in order to give of ourselves sexually.

We will learn to pray for him more often. It is a good idea to pray for your husband several times a day. I bought an Italian charm bracelet, and I've added some charms that remind me of my husband. One of Dean's morning rituals is to stop at a convenience store and get a cup of coffee. Naturally, when I saw a charm with a cup of coffee on it, I just had to get it! I also have one that says "I love my husband" and another which says, "Wife." When I look down at them during the day, they remind me to pray for him. It is also a good thing to try to remember to pray for your husband shortly before he is due home from work. Here are some guidelines to follow:

1. Pray that if he needs an attitude adjustment, the Lord will work the adjustment as he drives home.

2. Pray for God to help you to be responsive to his needs that evening.

3. Pray for God to direct your evening together.

4. Pray for God to adjust your own attitude so that you don't take any of your frustrations out on him when he walks in the door.

5. Pray for harmony between the two of you.

6. Pray for him to have a peaceful sleep that night.

7. Pray for the children to be obedient to him.

8. Pray for him to be responsive to the needs of the family.

Do you feel the need to 'die' today?

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Saving the Best for Last

Posted in Marriage

Saving the Best For Last

You spent the day washing a multitude of laundry, cleaning the house, running several errands, along with a multitude of other tasks. Now that it's evening, you find your strength and your patience waning. You find that you are spent -- emotionally, physically, and spiritually. If you've taken the time to pay the bills, you also find that you are financially spent as well!

It seems that by the time we can get the evening meal on the table, we are weary and quite crabby. Trying to make mealtimes special are at the bottom of our priority list. We're just trying to 'hang in there' and get supper finished, the dishes washed and put away, so that MAYBE (and that's a big 'maybe') we can sit down and rest for a while. Then, we suddenly remember -- it's bath night. So much for getting some rest and relaxation.

While reading about the wedding at Cana in Galilee, I noticed that it was the third day of the celebration when the host ran out of wine. When the master of the banquet tasted the wine that Jesus had fixed, he commented that the best wine had been saved until last.

How many times do we find ourselves trying to cram three days of work into about seven or eight hours? It's no wonder that we end up ill-tempered and exhausted by the time our husband gets home in the evening.

It's wonderful that we work so hard to get things done, always making sure that our family has clean clothing, and that the house looks cozy for our husband when he enters the door after a long day's work. However, thinking back to your dating days, what did he enjoy then? Pondering upon when Dean and I were dating, it was that first love experience of hanging on to every word he spoke, looking into his beautiful, blue eyes while we talked, making sure that he had my undivided attention. I can remember the thrill of simply holding his hand while we walked through the park.

Back to our story, when Mary hears them talking about having run out of wine, she looks to Jesus, then tells the others to do whatever Jesus said. It's the same for us, in saving the best of our energy for the last moments of the day when our husband is home. We need to learn to listen closely to the Lord, and discern what He wants us to do each day. In my own life, on those days when I feel exhausted from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning, I know it's best to only do what really needs done that day. If I had planned to get groceries after we were done homeschooling for the day, I check my list to see if it's possible to put it off until the following day so that I can take a nap instead. Then when my husband walks in the door, I won't be on the verge of tears, or in the middle of a tirade -- acting out of my emotions which are frazzled from exhaustion. Rather, I can greet him, feeling refreshed and honestly being happy to see him, and looking forward to spending the evening together.

Can we start a ritual where we send the children to their room for some quiet time so that we can be alone with our husband for a while? Those moments of intimate talking may spark a fire (and energy) for other intimacy later. I have personally found that tub crayons are a wonderful tool in getting Rachel to occupy herself for quite a while. While she is in the bathroom playing, I can carry on a decent conversation with my husband. Occasionally, we do hear, "Daddy, come look at what I drew on the tub!"

Even with our children, it's important to save some of the best 'wine' for the end of the day. And ladies, notice that I didn't spell it W-H-I-N-E! We can use the evenings to do devotions with the children. This can work even if our husband doesn't want to be involved. You can gather the children in another room, giving your husband a little time to himself. You may even opt to do storytime with them so that your husband has a break for himself.

When we are weary and worn, it's too easy to want to 'veg' on the couch with the remote in hand. It takes effort and discernment to work our schedules in such a way to leave us with the energy to 'spend' ourselves a little more in those evening hours. That's why we must do what Jesus tells us to do. If we follow Him, we'll find that we too, have saved the best 'wine' for last.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Homeland Security

Posted in Marriage

Homeland Security

In pondering on terrorist attacks, I realized that not only do terrorist attacks come into our home, but we are capable of launching them ourselves. Just as our own country now has a department called 'Homeland Security,' we also need to devise a spiritual 'Homeland Security' plan.

Many of us are entering that stage of life where we may see our husband go through a mid-life crisis. As men reach the stage of life where the hair begins to thin and the waist begins to thicken, they may suddenly realize that as they go walking down the street, they no longer draw the attention of women. Ladies who may likely do a double-take when they see a good-looking man, don't even acknowledge that he exists. They may get that sudden panic-stricken feeling of realizing that their youth is quickly fading before their eyes. To top it off, they come home, only to hear the following kinds of comments:

'Dad, can I have an increase on my allowance?'

'The washer quit working today, and the car is acting up.'

'Did you remember to stop by the store and pick up some milk?'

'Dad, did you write out the check for church camp registration?'

'I need money so that I can pay the bills.'

'Junior got put in detention for the second time this week.'

'Janie got a D on her report card.'

Suddenly, not only does he feel old and fat, but he feels very unappreciated and unloved. Part of devising a homeland security plan is to be very strategic about the timing of these kinds of issues. We also need to teach our children to be mindful of how and when they approach their father with these kinds of requests.

Ladies, if we aren't careful, we can launch a terrorist attack of infidelity. You see, we are told in Eph. 5:33 that we are to respect our husband, to notice him, prefer him, praise him, compliment him, and admire him exceedingly. (Amp.) When we fail to do this, it can further launch him toward the temptation of an affair. The other woman never brings him problems (like a broken washer, car repairs, etc.), but she plays up to his ego. She compliments him, admires him, praises him, notices him, and she even takes the time to listen to him. She does what we may have failed to do. When we take the time to give our husband what I call 'positive strokes,' we launch a homeland security plan that keeps him coming home to us, rather than looking to another woman.

Continuing on the subject of homeland security, keep in mind that when your husband has been out working all day, he likely sees dog-eat-dog competition, and hears negative talk, criticism, and backbiting, not to mention a lot of ungodly talk in the form of dirty jokes and foul language. A perfect solution for this would be to give him some time to read the Word when he first gets home. However, I have heard from many women that their husband won't take the time to read the Word. The blood of Jesus cleanses us from our own sin, and the Word cleanses us from the dirty things to which we are exposed on a daily basis. So if our husband isn't taking time to read the Word, letting it cleanse him from the filth that he's dealt with all day long, how can we launch a homeland security plan to help him? We need to counter all of that negative 'stuff' when he comes home. If he isn't in the habit of reading the Word, we can try to offer a pleasant, wholesome atmosphere in our home. We can be diligent about reading the Word ourselves, and then sharing in conversation with him the things we are learning, or even letting him know how we are being challenged in our own walk.

Many times in our marriage, our spouse may say something that angers us. If we don't quickly crucify our flesh, we will launch an ungodly terrorist attack by lashing out in our anger and bringing up past issues and past hurts. That kind of attack may cause damage to our marriage that is similar to the Twin Towers when they came crashing down. The very foundation was destroyed. Rather than destroying the foundation of our marriage in the heat of an argument, let's determine to have a homeland security plan that shows us to be peacemakers, showing ourselves to be true daughters of God. (Mt. 5:9) We are to make every effort to live in peace with ALL men, including our husband. (Heb. 12:14)

Another homeland security plan that I have enforced is by teaching my daughter that we are to be different -- aliens and strangers on this earth. (Heb. 11:13) We don't dress in hip huggers or low-cut, tight-fitting shirts because as Christian ladies, we are to be self-controlled and chaste in our actions, deeds, and our manner of dress so that God's Word won't be blasphemed or exposed to reproach. (Tit. 2:5) We are to control our bodies in purity, not dressing like the ungodly who purposely dress with the intent to get men to lust for them. For when we dress and behave immodestly, we defraud young men by getting them to think that we can provide satisfaction for them, and it's GOD who should bring ultimate satisfaction to them. God doesn't take this matter lightly either -- rather, He will punish all (wo)men for such sins. (I Th. 4:4-6) By starting the teaching on modesty and proper behavior at a young age, we have engaged a homeland security plan that may help to keep our daughters pure in body, mind, and spirit. It can help to destroy the terrorist attacks that are so prevalent in the lives of many young ladies in this day and age.

Many times when our hormones are all out of kilter, our tongues can unleash a vicious terrorist attack. One plan to keep the homeland safe during these times is to meditate on Phil. 4:8. If we find that our thoughts aren't true, noble, just, pure, lovely, virtuous, or praise worthy, we can go to war and take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. (II Cor. 10:5) There is nothing wrong with taking some medication to help us during those time of crabbiness. I've taken herbal medicines, as well as a generic premenstrual medication to help soothe my raging hormones. I also go on the offensive and warn my family that my hormones are acting crazy. I ask them to please try to bear with me. I let them know that if I'm short-tempered and cranky with them, it's not their fault. They are much more likely to grant me grace in those times if I simply forewarn them.

In this final lesson on homeland security, we will be discussing how to launch a plan to teach our children faithfully about the Lord. We will also deal with the overwhelming issue of suffering through depression, even when you have been faithful to read the Word of God.

Another very pro-active homeland security plan is to be faithful to teach our children about God, and how God wants us to live. So many times, parents leave the spiritual training to the church and the workers at the church. Having worked in children's church for quite some time, I can assure you that a lot of time is wasted during children's church because of the rowdy children. I know that many times the workers wonder if any of their message came across because of the myriad of distractions they face every week. I know that we are all tired at the end of the day, and we just want to send the kids off to bed so that we can have some peace, but that is a prime time to talk with the children. They are very open in those moments. Don't let a satanic terrorist steal those moments from you, never to be recaptured. If you make this a habit, in only a matter of about thirty days, it will become an automatic habit and a good one! You will never regret taking that time to talk with your children. Sometimes the subject will get off target, but that's all right. Let them talk, and be sure to really listen to them. If you don't take time to listen and talk with them about the unimportant issues, they won't talk to you later about the really important issues.

Too many people are quick to condemn those who suffer with depression. They leave you with the impression that if you read the Word, it will take care of any depression. While that is true in many case, it isn't true in all cases. Sometimes there are physical things wrong that need to be corrected through medication. To those of you who may be on medicine for depression, I want to say, 'Bless you for getting help!' You may be facing guilt and condemnation from the enemy. In fact, some of that guilt and condemnation may even be coming from your own church family. I applaud you for realizing that you needed some help from a doctor. Because of your wisdom in seeing this need, you may never realize what kinds of terrorist attacks you may have stopped just by simply taking medication to help your body function the way God made it to function. You have launched an effective security plan for yourself, and for your family. Don't feel guilty about being on the medication. After all, God is the one who gave doctors the wisdom to help you!

Sisters, do you need to start up some homeland security in your home?

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Are you Rested?

Posted in Marriage

Are You Rested?

I often hear ladies comment on how they haven't slept well, then they add that when they get rested up, they will be fine. I know that in my own life when I haven't slept well, I feel like I'm not very useful. I feel sluggish and my mind seems a little fuzzy. I just don't feel very productive on those days.

In studying on the word 'rest,' I discovered that the Greek word for 'rest' is 'useful.' As I pondered on many different women who have taught me many things, I realized that those women are women who learned to be broken before the Lord, dependent upon Him. They learned through many trials not to run in their own strength. They are wise enough to know when to slow down and give their bodies a rest. Only after resting (either through a nap or a time of quietness with the Lord), can they truly be useful again. We cannot function at our fullest when we fail to get our rest.

Jesus tells us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. We find so often that people want to pile on us one burden after another, and then they refuse to help us carry the load! Yet, when God places something on our shoulders, He also promises to help us carry it.

Satan has always sought to pervert the scriptures, and he wants to divert our attention from that which is vital and of true value. (Phil. 1:10, AMP) One method that is common with women is that we have a hard time saying 'no.' It seems the only time that we DON'T struggle with saying 'no' is when we say the word to our children. It is so important for us to take inventory from time to time and see if we have gotten ourselves involved in too many activities. Is it possible that we are volunteering too much? Could we be involved in too many Bible studies or prayer groups? Are we attending too many play groups with our toddlers? Are the children in too many sports activities?

If you aren't sure if you are involved in too many activities, one way to find an easy answer to these questions is to ask your husband. For some of us, we may be fearful to even bring it up with him because deep down, we know we are out of control with our activities. We know that our husband will tell us that we do too much outside the home, and we don't want him to be right! God has commanded the husband to love and protect his wife. One way he is able to do that is by his keen ability to discern when things are getting out of balance with outside activities.

For some of us, we look for fulfillment in our multitude of activities. Martha did the same thing in Luke 10:3-42. We fail to realize that true fulfillment comes when a woman busies herself with the good part, which will not be taken away from her. (Lk. 10:41-42) It's then that we will find ourselves truly rested and useful - to our Lord and to our families, and to those around us.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Space Invaders

Posted in Marriage

Space Invaders

We live in a time where many things need our attention. We can easily neglect the really important things (people and relationships), to take care of the lesser things, which I will refer to as 'space invaders.'

I know in my own life, one of the important things that space invaders attack is my time with my husband. Granted, we all have times when we have a child with the stomach flu, and so the child gets top priority. But, what about those times when everyone is healthy? What space invaders keep you from getting that quiet time with your husband? There are so many obvious ones -- exhaustion, bathtime, bedtime rituals, television, cleaning the house, doing laundry, repairs, too many outside activities (even good ones, like church), phone calls, working outside the home, paying bills, helping the extended family, and even our own selfishness, can all become space invaders.

Space invaders love it when we are selfish. Selfishness rares its ugly head when we find ourselves wanting to read a book, rather than giving some attention to our husband. It can be seen through our desire to watch our favorite television show, neglecting our husband's need to 'vent' after a grueling day at work. We can show selfishness by choosing to call a friend while he is at home. Surely we can find another time to chat!

In a time when divorce is so prevalent, we need to be on guard against space invaders. They can come in very subtly, sometimes through romantic movies. We can watch these shows, filled with romance and begin to resent the lack of romance in our own marriage. This can cause emotional distance (space invaders), between us. What about romantic novels? Yes, even Christian fiction can bring a sense of dissatisfaction to us when we see the couple in the book in such romantic scenes. They can cause us to get romantic notions in our heads of what we'd like to see in our marriage. When it doesn't happen, we allow more space invaders to enter, causing more distance between us.

When we said our wedding vows, we never promised to love him only when he is romantic with us. Reality is that the romance parts fades rather quickly because we are consumed with working, taking care of the house, paying bills, then raising children. We must remember that any romance movies or books are not based on reality. They are simply a story. I'm not saying that romance will never be a part of your marriage again, but the times of romance will usually be few and far between. And, who said that it needs to be left up to our husband to bring the romance back to the marriage? You have the ability to do things to spark romance from time to time, and I'll bet that even if your husband doesn't comment much about it, he does appreciate it.

Another very subtle tactic of space invaders is to get us to focus on another Christian man, observing how seemingly spiritual he is. The next thing we know, we are criticizing our own husband, even if the criticism goes no further than our thoughts. Often, thoughts become words, and words become actions. This is a very dangerous place, Sister! Satan delights in destroying marriages, and to destroy a Christian marriage is his ultimate pleasure. Don't let these kinds of space invaders get a foothold in your marriage!

One thing I have discovered is that the closer I walk with the Lord, and the more I fall in love with Jesus, the more I love my husband. I am able to see more clearly that serving him, pampering him, romancing him, and cherishing him is the same as doing it for my Master, honoring Him by my actions toward my husband. And one more thing -- NO ONE ELSE is called to do this to my husband! It is for ME ALONE! No one else gets this pleasure, this intimacy, this thrill!

Sister, go fall head over heels in love with Jesus. See what sparks come alive in your own marriage, keeping those space invaders at bay.

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - What's a Woman to Do?

Posted in Marriage

What's a Woman to do?

You never read romantic poems or stories where it mentions anything about cooking, doing the laundry, cleaning the toilet, or dusting the furniture. We've all heard the term "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." There is an element of truth there. If we aren't careful to fix decent meals, then we may find that we are left to ourselves many evenings. Maybe he'll decide to go visit Momma. After all, Momma cooked for him!

If you walked into the home of a woman whose house is so cluttered that you couldn't walk across the floor without stepping on something, what would be your first impression? Would it be respect for the lady of the house? Would you be thinking about how you couldn't wait to come back for another visit? I should think not! You would probably think the same thing that I would: "GET ME OUTTA HERE!"

Why should our husbands be any different? Why should he want to walk in a room where there should be a sign posted, with the warning "Enter at Your Own Risk"?

Please don't think that I'm picking on those ladies who have preschoolers in the home. I remember how hard it was to keep up with a busy toddler who wanted into everything. Even with youngsters, you can start training them to pick up the toys about thirty minutes before Daddy is due home.

Keeping the house clean and orderly is a wonderful way to tell your husband that you appreciate and respect him. Many of us go to great lengths to clean the house when we are expecting company. Doesn't the man of the house deserve the same honor? Should he not be held in high esteem? After all, he should be seen as much more important than company. To help keep the home looking as if we are expecting company, we can do a little every day, then on the bigger cleaning days, the task doesn't seem so overwhelming.

I met a woman years ago who had piles of clutter everywhere. I'm talking about piles that were several inches high, and it FILLED the house. In listening to this woman talk, I found that she was involved in various activities and ministries. Through her conversation, you could easily tell that she felt that she was quite spiritual with all of her endeavors. The sad thing is that she was being disobedient in the most important ministry which God gave her - being busy at home! The one place where she should have concentrated her energies the most is the one that got the least attention!

In Titus 2:3-5, it never mentions that the older women should teach the younger women to be involved in various ministries outside the home. What it does mention is that they are to train the ladies to love their husbands and children, and to be busy at home. Don't misunderstand my point here. There is nothing wrong with being involved in ministry outside the home. We should look for opportunities to minister to others, but it must start at home. Our home is the one place on earth for which we are responsible. Neglecting it to serve in other capacities may earn us the respect of outsiders, but we may lose the respect and admiration of those within our own household. We may forfeit ever being able to see our children rise up and call us "blessed." We may forfeit ever hearing our husband praise us. (Prov. 31:28) I don't want to risk losing the respect of my loved ones. How about you?

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

• Oct. 1, 2008 - Where is Your Pulpit?

Posted in Marriage

Where is Your Pulpit?

As I was reading in Titus 2, I thought it was interesting to note that in verse 4, the first item on the list was for a woman to love her husband. When we make a to-do list, we usually put the most important items at the top of the list. For this item to be first on the list in scripture, the Lord is showing us that it is very important. In verse 5, we find that she is to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to her husband. In today's society, men don't get much respect. Television makes husbands and fathers look like complete idiots. Sadly, that attitude is even permeating Christian homes. That must be why we are commanded in Eph. 5:33 to respect our husband.

For those who are newly married, or are struggling in their marriages, I wanted to give some practical advice on how to 'love your husband,' as the Word mandates. We need to understand that our love for our husband is seen by how we speak to him and how we speak about him. It is seen by how we take care of him and what we do to serve him. Mt. 6:21 tells us that where our treasure is, our heart will be found. Where is your treasure? Do you see your husband as a precious treasure from the Lord? Do you treat him as such? What we do and say about our husband is often our 'pulpit.' People can learn much about us, just by observing how we treat our husband, whether he is present or not.

I find that my 'pulpit' is often in the kitchen. Since our family room and kitchen are combined, I try to honor my husband by having my daughter straighten up the family room before he comes home. I try to have a meal fixed and ready for him. Entering a house that has a sense of order, and the pleasant aroma of food is inviting to a man. (I am 'preaching' to him that he is important to me, simply by what I do for him.) Sometimes I will even turn on some soft, soothing worship music to greet him as he walks in the door. My daughter will often question why it's so important to make the house look nice 'just for Daddy.' From my 'pulpit,' I am trying to teach her that Daddy is important, and that when he comes home at the end of a long day, he doesn't want to see messes everywhere. Chances are high that he probably spent most of his day working in 'messes.' He needs a nice, quiet, inviting place to relax and unwind.

Just a few nights ago, Dean didn't get home until around 10PM. He had worked about 15 hours that day, not to mention the long days he had already worked earlier in the week. I have to admit, by 10PM, I was tired. I didn't feel like entering my 'pulpit' again, but because my desire is to honor my Christ in all that I do, I hopped up from the couch the minute I heard his truck door slam shut. I met him at the door and asked if he had taken time to eat supper. After he stated that he hadn't, and that he was very hungry, I began pulling things out of the refrigerator, and in a matter of minutes, I had a big plate of hot food fixed and ready to eat. I literally felt a second wind come into my body, giving me the energy to serve him, and to do it gladly. I would venture to say that my attitude in serving my husband as if I were serving the Lord had a lot to do with that added burst of energy. I enjoyed putting the meal together for him. I think he could sense that because he was very thankful for the effort I put forth.

Backing up to the scripture in Titus, in verse 4, the children were listed as second on the priority list. While in the middle of trying to get Dean's meal together, Rachel approached me, wanting some attention. I gently, but firmly told her that I was taking care of her Daddy, so she would need to wait until I was finished getting his food fixed. This was another way of honoring him. He heard me telling her, in so many words, that my husband comes before her. It is good for children to realize that this world does not revolve around them.

You can probably think of some things around the house that your husband likes done, just by thinking of comments he has made. If he complains of the clutter, enter the 'clutter pulpit' and try to work on reducing that clutter. I don't mean doing it all in one day, but do a little every day. Before you know it, the house will look much better, and you will be honoring your husband.

If he complains that supper is never ready when he walks in, try your hardest to 'preach' from the kitchen by at least having the meal started when he walks in the door.

One evening, after a very long, hard day, I used some special markers on the bathroom mirror. I wrote, "Dean, you are awesome!" It was a small way of letting him know that I do take notice of how hard he works to provide for us.

Are there little things that you expect him to do because they appear to be a 'man's job'? I'm talking about things like checking the air in your tires, filling the gas tank, raking, paying the bills, etc. Those may seem like such little things, but when your husband works all day, he will really appreciate not having to do those kinds of things. Dean is usually the one to do the in-depth cleaning of the laundry room. I am not supposed to be moving heavy objects, but when we noticed a smell coming from the dryer, I knew it was time to stretch myself. I recognized that he had more than enough to keep him busy, so I took a morning and tackled cleaning the whole utility room, down to even pulling out the washer and dryer, and cleaning the hose behind the dryer. I was so proud of myself, and I could tell that Dean was very pleased that I was able to figure it all out and not break anything in the process!

Does your husband complain during the winter months about having itchy, dry skin? Try rubbing him down with some body oil, even baby oil will work. Another suggestion would be to purchase a body scrub for him to use in the shower. If you get it from Walmart, it won't cost you very much either. Does he have a favorite kind of candy? Buy a bag of the miniatures, then when he needs a 'chocolate fix,' it's already there for him. Do you know of a book he'd like to read? Check the library for him, or see about purchasing the book for him. Checking on ebay first may even save you money than if you'd buy it locally.

We live in Indiana, but Dean's favorite NBA team is Utah. We can't find any T-shirt, sweatshirts, etc., in our area that say "Utah." One year, I had my aunt, who lives in Salt Lake City, pick up a couple of Utah Jazz sweatshirts for him when they were on sale. Last year, I bought him a Utah Jazz watch, along with several other Utah things. He was really impressed with my ingenuity. He knew that I spent some time searching for the items, which 'preached' to him that finding his preferences was worthwhile to me.

In Titus 2:5, we are admonished to be busy at home. So Sister, find discover where your 'pulpit' is in your home. Now get busy showing your husband that he is your most precious treasure, next of course, to your wonderful Savior!

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link