February 23, 2008
A Funny Email
|
My dear mother-in-law and I were talking last night. She reminded me about this email I had sent to her and my mom last year. If any of you have had days like this then here, have some wine! Hi there. Well I just had to email you both to let you know about my day. Kudos to you both for raising Thomas and me to adulthood. If I can get my kids to adulthood after today, I'll be a grateful woman. What a day! You're probably going to laugh so hard you'll start crying, so grab a Kleenex. I'm finally able to laugh about it myself, but it took all day long and a glass of wine before I could do so. :0) And keep in mind as you read this that I'm only 3 weeks postpartum, so keeping my cool as much as I did today is a miracle!!! Michael (then 18 months) woke up this morning without an appetite, and a yucky diaper. I figured maybe he was getting a cold again like Matthew (then 4 1/2 years old) had earlier in the week. By lunch time he was fussy, crying, only wanted to be held, and was running a fever. I tried to put him down for a nap when I myself was about to drop from exhaustion. He only wanted to be held, but would change positions every so often as I held him in the recliner. I finally found myself dozing in the recliner with him in my arms. At least I got about 30 minutes of sleep. About 4:30pm I noticed he was tugging at his ear and screaming when he'd touch it. I called the pediatrician to see if they could squeeze him in before closing to check his ears. Of course not. I ended up taking all four kids to the Urgent Care Clinic for kids at 6pm when they opened. Good thing I got there first. By the time we left, the waiting room was packed! Sure enough, he had an ear infection and sore throat. The doc prescribed antibiotics and ear drops. He's now resting peacefully...finally...precious little guy. So to make the day even more fun...now's the time to grab your Kleenex, and maybe a glass of wine... Lauren (then 8 years old) was smarting her mouth off on the way home from picking up Matthew. I actually had to pull off the road, park, and make my way to the back of the van to get her attention. After her screaming fit, the boys were all crying and screaming, too. Matthew was just trying to be good (for a change.) Anyway when we got home, Michael was still screaming and feeling bad, Ian (then 3 weeks old) was hungry, Lauren was huffy, and Matthew was just glad to get out of her swinging range. Thomas happened to pull into the garage about the time I got everyone out of the van and into the house. He asked me what was going on, and as I explained the story (practically in tears myself), he gave me that knowing look that said, "Okay, I'll make an appointment with the urologist." He gave Lauren two choices 1. get spanked or 2. get grounded. She opted for the grounding. Not only did he ground her to her room for the entire afternoon, but he told her she had to clean it. That lasted until he left to go run errands for me. She decided to get out of her room, tried to con me into letting her watch tv, then got angry when I told her she had to finish her punishment. Then she got snippy and said it was all my fault that she was grounded..."if you hadn't told Dad!" blah blah blah. When I told her again to go back to her room, she smarted off again and that's when I called Thomas on the phone. She was screaming like an idiot! Her dad was so mad at her!!! Anyway, after the phone call to Daddy she went to her room and I had to nurse Ian. At this time, Michael was crying really hard again and wanted to be held, but I couldn't hold him and Ian at the same time. Matthew was busy watching a movie, or so I thought, so I took Ian into the boys' room to nurse him while I stayed with Michael, too. He looked so pitiful. He couldn't even walk. He just crawled around on the floor to look at toys, and would come over to me and rest his head on my leg. I felt so sorry for the little guy. Anyway, I got Ian taken care of, put him back in his bassinet next to my bed, and was making my way back to Michael, when I noticed Matthew hiding under the dining room table. This gets good...here have a gulp of wine...I asked Matthew what he was doing. He said, "Just hanging out." Yeah right, like I was born yesterday. I noticed a lovely smell, the scent of coconut on a warm sandy beach, coming from under the table. He had taken the bottle of suntan lotion I bought them for the cruise, and had proceeded to rub almost all of it onto the tile and into the grout. The remaining lotion was now smeared all over the top of the dining room table, including his sister's pencil box, and her school worksheets that we were working on today. (Don't ask me how I managed to get any homeschooling done this morning...it was simply an act of God...) Before I could lose my cool and blast out a string of bad words, I counted to ten (by 5's) and asked him what made him want to do that. No reason according to my four year old. So I sent him to his room for a time out to give me a chance to clean up the mess. Meanwhile...better get another gulp, or another glass... As I'm on my hands and knees with Mr. Clean and a rag cleaning up Hawaiian Tropic off my dining room floor, Michael is now really screaming, Ian has joined the chorus, and I'm wondering why Ian is screaming too when I just fed him. Then I hear Matthew screaming. I scooped up Michael to keep him out of the bucket of Mr. Clean and ran into my room. Well Matthew went into MY room instead of his own, and decided to hoist himself into the bassinet. He was now hanging half in, half out, and was being choked by the metal bar that runs along the top of the bassinet. He had one hand pressed into Ian's stomach for leverage as he tried to get himself back out again. By now I'd lost any sense of responsible parenting that was remotely there in the first place, and yelled so loud that the neighbors were probably thinking my house was on fire. I forgot at that point in my day that "Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord." So here's a picture for you... I have Michael on my left hip (still crying), I'm pulling Matthew out of the bassinet with my right arm (who's crying out "My throat hurts where I was choked!"), Lauren is standing in my doorway with eyes the size of biscuits, and now I'm trying to put Matthew down and take care of Ian (who had consequently pooped all over the place, and I mean all over the place, from having his belly and intestines squished!) It was a miracle to me that the bassinet didn't tip over and launch the baby out! Plus I was surprised that Ian didn't have a handprint in his belly. Oh and did I mention that I had to put a screaming, and very un-cooperative Michael down long enough to clean up Ian and his sheets? Okay, so by now I was in the process of trying to remember once again that "Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord," and that having young children was simply a short season in my life, when I had a huge Epiphany. I remembered that I had a bottle of wine chilling in the refrigerator to go with dinner tonight. "Scr*w dinner!" I said to myself (possibly out loud) and headed to the wet bar to find the corkscrew. At least I was responsible enough to place a now fresh Ian back into a clean bassinet, I knew exactly where Matthew was, I had sent Lauren back to her room to carry out her punishment, and I had gotten Michael a cup of juice before breaking open the bottle of Chardonnay! No need to get a nice piece of crystal to drink from. I just grabbed another plastic cup, minus the sippy lid. Now it was getting very close to 4:30pm, about the time I knew for sure that Michael had an ear ache. So after all of that, I had to get the kids loaded up and ready to drive to the Urgent Care place. At least I had about an hour before the wine wore off when I got behind the wheel. I did manage to pop a piece of gum in my mouth on my way out the door. Can you imagine me walking into the doctor's office with four kids, smelling like wine, and having that glazed-over look? I'm sure other parents in the waiting room would have smiled politely and thought to themselves, "I can't wait to get home and have a drink too!" ha ha ha Well now we're home. Lauren's room is very clean, she's sound asleep, and looks so cute. Matthew, who still smells like a coconut grove, is tucked in with his stuffed dinosaur. Michael has had a dose of Ampicillian and ear drops, and is peacefully sleeping with his soft blankie. Ian smells of baby powder and baby lotion, is in clean clothes, and is gently nestled in a freshly made bassinet. And I'll be darned if after all the ruckus today held they all look like little angels as they sleep. I can truly say, "Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord" and "Thank you JESUS for turning the water into wine!" I personally think that Jesus turning the water into wine as his FIRST miracle was meant to be a sign to mothers everywhere that it's okay to have a glass every now and then. Notice that His mother, Mary, was the one who suggested it. She may have been in dire need of a refreshing drink herself during the wedding celebration. :0) Besides, He knew before the foundations of the earth that our children would be born to us. And He knew they'd find the following: ~things to smart off about ~bottles of suntan lotion ~baby brothers sleeping in bassinets I think I'll go in and peek at my sleeping babies. At least it's quiet for now, and I can think/breathe/reflect on all the good things about being a mom. :0) Oh yes, and I think there's enough vino in the bottle for a nightcap. Love, Karla So there you have it. My children are very much alive-and-well one year later. Reading this was pretty funny, but living it during the moment it actually happened was bad. Sort of like being in labor bad. And the good thing about bad mommy moments and labor, is that the memory of the horror soon fades. LOL And if you'll check your local Target Superstore, an entire aisle is devoted to a variety of wines! |
Comments
February 23, 2008 - from HolyMama
|
|
|
|
|
Posted by Anonymous February 23, 2008 - Untitled Comment
|
|
|
|
|
Posted by February 23, 2008 - ROFL
|
|
|
|
|
Posted by February 28, 2008 - Untitled Comment
|
|
|
|
|
Posted by June 22, 2008 - Untitled Comment
|
|
|
|
|