This is probably more of a personal rambling, kind of thing. Just things on my mind that I want to get out. So feel free to stop reading if you want, just wanted to warn you before you started.
I'm feeling a bit 'lost' lately. Hmmm, is lost the right word? I don't know. Stumbling, not sure which direction to go with some areas of my life. I guess lost is a good word. Maybe it's the letdown of the past few months. I mean, Paul had that doctors appointment that started everything around the end of July, and ever since then, it's been a blur. We are settled now, in our routines, the house is unpacked. Maybe I have nothing to focus on, maybe it's the reality of our new life. Who knows, I guess there doesn't have to be a reason, it's just where I am. I know the Lord is bringing me into a more 'focused' time in my life. Truly, since we left that cultish church 5 to 6 years ago, I have seemed to be unfocused at time. Or maybe it's not unfocused, but focused on me too much. I'm not sure. I do know that the Lord has been calling me to focus more on my family, which I have been trying to do. Learning what it means to be the wife and mother the Lord has called me to be. But I think that statement right there is 'it'. Learning to be the wife and mother the Lord has called me to be. I think I'm getting confused on what the Lord is calling me to be and do, and what I read about in blogland. I know most of us only put out the 'good' side of our lives on our blogs. No one wants to write about the horrible day they had. The kids who wouldn't listen, her blowing her top and yelling at the kids and/or her husband. We all like to talk about the good days and the good times. And I do think that is appropriate. I mean, we all need to be careful what we put out 'there', and I'm not saying that we should just open our hearts and pour everything out to everyone. And truly, it's my issue, not anyone else's, that I'm dealing with. I read all these blogs, and all these moms seem to be doing all these crafts, baking, spending time with their family, and I feel so inferior to them. Yes, I've put pictures out there of crafts and things me and the kids do, but truly, those are the only times I do them. We don't do lapbooks or anything like that, because it just to much work for me. I have to push myself to do certain things with my kids, because it's just not 'natural' to me. It's not what I had when I was growing up. My parents were not 'hands on' parents. They just told us what to do, never really did much with us. Though I do remember the 'big' things like vacations and such.
What I'm realizing though, is that I'm following what my friends, blog friends and family think is the 'right' thing to do with my family, more than the Lord. For example, when I read a blog that makes everything from scratch or thinks anything bought in a store is 'bad', then I start to feel guilty that I don't do that. I only bake from scratch a 'little', and I like store bought stuff. So I feel like this horrible mother who's not doing the best for her family. Or I read another blog about how that woman feels that the woman shouldn't do anything but be at home and there for her family. So when I start thinking about taking some online college courses, I feel guilty because I'm being this horrible mom who is thinking of doing something that doesn't involve her family. Or the mom that says well you just have to do 'this' with your children. Like somehow if I'm not doing 'that' and my children aren't the way she thinks they should be, I'm doing something wrong. Now, most blogs I go to, don't outright say that their way of cooking or child rearing is the ONLY and THE way to do it. Though I have been on a few who do sound like that, and I usually don't go back. But, all this rambling (I warned you I was going to ramble), brings me to the point of, I need to get past the fact that just because the Lord has called that family to live off the land, make everything from scratch and only buy 'natural' things, doesn't mean it's the only way, and that that is the way He's calling me or my family. Or if He's called this other family to do lots of things with their kids, or the woman to never do anything outside of the home, doesn't mean He's calling me or my family to that.
I have always dealt with the thought of, "If the Lord is showing that person that, then He must be showing all of us that." I know there are absolutes in the bible, things that He's called all of us too. But I have a hard time always knowing what those absolutes are. And all this 'questioning' makes it hard for me to give advice to people (which may be a good thing). Because, just because He's called me and/or my family to do this or that, doesn't mean He's called everyone, right? I'll be the first to say, as much as we love homeschooling, we do pray about it every year to see if the Lord is calling us to something different. I try to leave it in the Lord's hands. But does that me I'm not a person with convictions? Does it mean I'm wishy washy because I'm not solid on this 'point' or that 'point'? Though there are biblical points I am 'solid' on.
All I know is I'm trying to keep my heart and thoughts focused on the Lord and the things He wants me to do. Will that look different than someone else? I guess it would. Does that mean that person has better convictions or hears from the Lord better than I do? I don't think so. Though I have let those thoughts creep in my mind so much. I question myself, I question what I know the Lord has shown me, because this person does it 'different'. And we aren't suppose to be different, if we are true followers of Christ, right? I mean, if we are all following the bible, doesn't that mean we'll all be doing things the same way? That's where I get hooked. That's where I get confused. Because I wonder if the Lord is showing me some things He might have me do that might be different than what others do. And I wonder, am I really hearing from the Lord? I might look different, my life might be lived a bit differently than those blogs I read or those friends I talk to. Is that o.k.? Can I be different and still be a true and solid Christian for the Lord? Can I really do some things that others might not understand, but I know that the Lord and my husband are behind me, even if I look different? If I do make that kind of 'stand' and do things 'different' than others, am I setting a good example for the Lord? Am I stumbling others? Why do I feel so responsible for others?
Lord help me to know what Your will is for my life. Help me to follow You and not what others do. Help me to stand for Your absolutes, and not what others think are absolutes. Help me to be ever watchful and listening for Your voice, knowing that You are the Way, the Truth and the Life.
I've come to the conclusion that you and I were seperated at birth.. You said what I've been feeling for a long time.. (cept for the cultish church part, however I was in the wrong church for awhile).
The Lord's call on you is to love your family and your God.How He teaches you to do that will always be different from how He teaches me. You have walked through so much in the last few months and things have been shaken and moved (literally). Each year you will discover a new measure of God's grace and mercy. I remember so many days when tears were the only thing I accomplished. (I even woke up a sleeping husband who had worked a midnite shift crying I can't do this any more.) Crafts were treated as rewards for work DONE so the crafts were never made. I never made a lapbook, but I love the idea of them. You will find your way.
For me it was declaring Wednesday fun school day. It was the day Books were not used and learning was fun. We used games and crafts because they realy did learn doing and it did matter. We did projects and plays. We invited other homeschoolers to play with us. And the first two hours were used for chores so all the fun could take place and I could get caught up as well. I also only had two children.
Oh and we took off ALL of December from book work and counted baking and sewing and card making as school, As well as collecting Toys and making up Food baskets at the local shelters. All is school, just bookless.
January was always a struggle to get back to the books, but oh what we learned in December is what stayed with them, and me too.
Rejoice in the Lord. Rejoice in the arms of your beloved that is doing his best to be the man of God he is called to be and enjoy your sweet children even on the days you are crying because they have been doing the same ten problems for three hours. You are not alone and we all struggle, yell and fall on our faces before God.
And our husbands our children and our God still love us tomorrow.
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
Have you ever read the Narnia series? There is a line that Aslan says several times. He says it whenever a child asks him about another's life. He says "That is their story, this is yours". I love that line. I think Lewis was trying to say that we are not all alike and Christ asks us to live in different ways. All he requires is a willing and obedient heart. Your story is different than everyone else's and it is wonderful. God gave you that husband and those kids because he knew they needed you and you needed them. By the way, those who like to dictate how we teach and what we eat are usually a bit prideful (my opinion). Hang in there, Joann. God has called you to be a conquerer.
Anissa
Your post makes a lot of sense to me. The Lord's teachings are not black and white concerning the family, in my humble opinion, and you are doing what works for you and your family. So many of us do not create beautiful works of art or cook everything from scratch (I love the microwave...), but that does mean that we do not follow, or try to follow, in Christ's steps.
JoAnn, you put into words what I was feeling recently about blogland. Then I realized that I had an option. I either read blogs that encourage me, or I stop blogging! Well, it is not that black and white, but it was close. There are some real life people I know who I allow to make me feel inferior, if I let them. So, I don't let them! I realized that I am the way God made me and he gave to me the children who need me the way I am. I am the perfect mother for them. Sure they might have more fun at another more creative mom's homeschool, but God didn't put them there. I like what all the others have said to you, especially Bobbie. We need to have a fun day as well, just is that we are too busy for me to feel as if we can have one day of "fun"school. I need to work on that. Sorry for the book! I hope you are encouraged by all the sweet comments this post drew. You are doing a great job with your family. God is pleased.
Jenn
Go read my Thursday Thought, Joann. I just posted it. A great quote I heard a long, long time ago, and it sustains me during the times when I start to get sucked into another agenda. :-)
And, oh my! What is this cultish church that you were talking about? How did you finally realize it was bordering on cult-ville? You can PM me is you'd like. I would like to know.
I like reading your ramblings. I think we've all been there, so keep rambling. Just don't drown. Don't let the enemy make you think you have to follow somebody else's agenda.
Our church recently had "vote of confidence" for our pastor. A totally insignificant misunderstanding between the pastor (I think he was doing a little confronting to folks not used to being confronted) and another member (last July) resulted finally in a dividing of the camp. The body overwhelmingly supported the pastor this past Sunday in a vote, and you'd think those who wanted him to step down would acknowledge the will of the people and our loyalty, but no! It was bizarre. When it was all said and done, a woman couldn't get silent. When our pastor publicly asked another "elder" to control his wife (that group had been outvoted), he said she had a right to speak. Needless to say, a couple godly men had to intervene. She left, but later returned and literally took off her shoes and smacked them together, as in "shaking the dust from her feet." It was one of the strangest things I've witnessed. However, once they left, the entire atmosphere of the church changed--relaxed, flowed.
The point is, "These are all supposedly godly Christians." How can one 'side' be wrong? Maybe the other side has good reasons for wanting the pastor to step down. Those thoughts go through my head--like maybe I'm wrong. So I guess I'm just like you sometimes--doubting things.
The quote on my blog helps me. Maybe it will help you.
I've gotten into the habit of praying, "Lord, what would you have me do with this?" For example, I was totally unorganic, but last year, a dear friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer and started fighting it naturally. She's become quite radical because she is fighting for her life, and as she learned, she only wished she'd know so much when her children were younger, so she sat me down with a pile of books and said, "Start reading!" After I came home I was totally overwhelmed; I had to figure out where to go from there. Should I become I vegan like she had? But I LOVE steak! Should I give up sugar? But I love decadant desserts! But maybe God had a purpose in all this, and if so, what was it? I really had to pray about it, and as a result, we started taking baby steps toward healthier living. I'm still not totally organic and don't grind my own wheat, but maybe someday I will, or maybe I'll never give up red meat and sugar, but I am continually, prayerfully, applying some of what I've learned. I refuse to feel guilty because my life doesn't look like someone else's, but I will continue to pray about what I need to learn from another person, constantly desiring to mature and become more like Christ. There's a confidence that comes in knowing that you're in the center of His will, and when the Holy Spirit is active in your life, the only conviction that matters is the one that comes from Him. God created us each uniquely to accomplish His purposes in many different ways. Our responsibility is to do our best to follow His word and His leading, step by step.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and HE shall direct your path.
JoAnn,
For starters, Breathe!!!! There. Now here's what I've come to understand about the Lord's blessings. He gave us all different talents. Some mean to work, others mean to stay home and take care of their families. What I do know is that the Lord doesn't lead you a stray from his plans for you. You're the best mom your kids need. I've learned this through four years of self doubt, self destruction and self analysis. We don't all bake from scratch (I burn from scratch if you must know). I didn't even use my kitchen before because I had domestic help doing it for me. I've learned some pretty hard lessons since we moved here, such as I am a good mom even when I want to duct tape the boys to the broom closet, or when I just leave for a drive because I can't take their fighting anymore. But I can assure you that as long as your kids look to you for guidance and you and Paul look to the Lord for your guidance you are fulfilling God's plans for you.
Arts and crafts are fun (like maybe once a year because I can't stand the mess), but I enjoy just setting around and talking to my kids. I want to know their dreams, wishes, expectations. Through those conversations I also teach and they learn. I sometimes berate myself for not being "Suzy Homemaker" but then I look at the accomplishments we've made together and I realize that's not who the Lord wants me to be.
Be yourself and don't judge yourself based on what others are doing, be with your kids in whatever manner suits you and them, be with the Lord in your daily walk and in your heart and remember that You Are Loved for who you are right now.
I absolutely love the honesty and openess of this post. If I may, I will applaud you here for being so "real"!! ((clapping hands)). You have a heart after the Lord and it shines brightly in your writings. God made us all and no two of us are exactly alike.He made it that way. I think He likes it that way. He did not make all of us the hand or the foot,or the nose or the arm, or the head and so on. We are all of one body (Christians) but different members. Be yourself in the Lord. I can so relate to this post. There is no perfect christian, no perfect mother, father, sister, brother and so on. He did however choose you to mother your children and to be the wife to your husband and only you can do that the way He has called you to do. There is nobody else on this earth that He saw fit to fill those shoes you are wearing other than you. I'd say that He believes in you, so follow in that and believe in yourself. I am still, daily, learning how to be that wife and mother that "He" has called me to be.Who knows if or when I will ever come to the completeness of it. I will always be striving to be a better mom and wife but not according to others standards. Thanks so much for sharing. Sorry such a long comment. Be blessed,
Stacy
I'll be praying for you JoAnn. I've struggled with issues like this before in the past. Bill has a cousin who works with Tyler's Youth With A Mission in TX. When we were living a life for our Pastor years back, Bill's cousin reminded us to always keep our eyes on God and not on man. Men will let you down, but God never will. Ever since then, we have always tried not to compare ourselves to others. God has a purpose for us as individuals, so there is no certain way for things to be done, b/c we are all unique. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, right? Pray & serve in the way the Lord leads you!
Hi JoAnn,
Sorry I haven't been around to comment lately. Too caught up in life!
You asked, "Can I be different and still be a true and solid Christian for the Lord?'
YES! You can & should! When I read your post I thought of 2 things. Actually 3 things. 1st -- I love these HONEST posts! I tried doing all the "perfect homeschooling mommy" stuff & failed miserably! I was a worse mommy for it, too.
2nd. I thought of these verses when I read your question that I quoted above: 1 Cor. 12:12-31 "For as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many, are one body, so also is Christ. For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free—and have all been made to drink into one Spirit. For in fact the body is not one member but many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling? But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased. And if they were all one member, where would the body be?
But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” No, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary. And those members of the body which we think to be less honorable, on these we bestow greater honor; and our unpresentable parts have greater modesty, but our presentable parts have no need. But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it, that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and members individually. And God has appointed these in the church: first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, after that miracles, then gifts of healings, helps, administrations, varieties of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Are all workers of miracles? Do all have gifts of healings? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? But earnestly desire the best gifts. And yet I show you a more excellent way."
God never intended for us to be cookie-cutter Christians. He didn't want us all to be eyes or ears or feet. How could we reach others for Christ if we were all the same? I know a lot of wonderful preachers who wouldn't have reached me. They turn me off because of one of their mannerisms or arrogance or something. Others, however, can reach me with the words God gives them. I'm probably not making sense, but I just felt like I needed to share those verses with you.
The 3rd (& final thing...I promise) thought: You NEED to read my favorite book. "Help! I'm Being Intimidated by the Proverbs 31 Woman" by Nancy Kennedy. It is such a funny & soul searching book about a woman's quest to be all that she thought God wanted her to be. You'll LOVE it. If you can't find it, I'll mail you my copy to borrow!
I too, think we were seperated at birth! It is so good for you to be transparent on your blog, I don't think that's happening enough in blogland.
We live in a high-tech society which enables us to "be a apart" of so many others lives, which is almost always wonderful. Except...that some, like us, tend to bear the burden of the world on our shoulders by wanting to be and take on all the positive things about others.
I absolutely love the thought that Anissa shared about the line that Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia had. That is wonderful!!! I think for me it is so hard to realize my own strengths and build on those and not feel the burden to be all things, way more than God intended.
I'm not sure what the answer it to this yet, I'm still working on it for myself. For now, I'm constantly having to remind myself of the Truth....
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1
We do not have to bear anyones expectations, including our own. We only have to live a "Christ-centered life", and be yoked with Him, and His burden is light.
Wow, you've gotten some great feedback on this one!
I appreciate your honesty.
I have had the same feelings and confusion.
There are many "good" things out there, but they're not all "best" for our family or for this season of our lives. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Stay in Him and look for what He says. You are precious, special, uniquely created and loved by Him. He will lead you on the right paths when you look to Him for approval and not to what others think. I still have so much to learn about not being so concerned about what others think.
By the way, i do crafts in spurts, sometimes there are months, or even years, between a crafting spurt!
My almost--eight-year old still can't cut straight because i don't let him have scissors very often!
This blog is so I can share my journey with the Lord, my journey as a wife and mother, and my journey as a homeschool mom. I pray that you will see the Lord in my life through happy and sad times, and that this blog glorifies the Lord.
This is an award and tag free zone, thank you.
