Today has been a nice mellow day. We went to church last night, so we got to sleep in today. Then we've just been lazy, watching football and hanging together. Paul and I got to talk not only about our finances but about our homeschooling too. It was good. I've been feeling like we haven't been on the same 'page' lately in regards to homeschooling. I tend to look at homeschooling as a lifestyle, I thought he seemed to look at it like public school done at home. So we had a nice talk. I was wrong, he doesn't see it that way. There were a couple of things I was taking wrong. So we had a nice talk and I feel much better. Plus, yes, we do have the money to join the homeschool group! We are both quite happy about that. We'll join tomorrow at the Christmas party. It's going to be different this year. I'm not use to belonging to a 'group'. But I think it's going to be good. Paul's looking forward to it also. I think it's great he'll meet some other homeschooling fathers.
I almost feel like I don't know what to do with myself lately. Now that I'm done with the Christmas gifts I was making I have more free time. But yet, I get lost on what I should do. I have my homeschool magazine I am reading, a personal bible study I want to start and the study from the Woman's bible study I go to. Then there's the books I want to read leisurely and other crafts I want to get back to, not to mention blogging and now I'm starting to want to play with my template/HTML code again. But what do I do with my free time? The past couple of days, sit in front of the TV. Usually I can do crafts and things when the TV is on, but lately I'm just vegging out in front of it. I go through times like this. Then after a bit, things get back to normal. I really do think I'm still trying to get use to being settled out here and just living life, instead of rushing everywhere and stressing about health and moving issues. I just have to keep giving it to the Lord, and I know He'll get me through it all.
I know the Lord has been showing me more and more about just learning to love Him. I'm a 'do' person. Give me a list of things to do, and I can get them done. But I also tend to get my identity by what I 'do'. That has been an area in my life that is very hard to overcome. I judge myself and others so very easy and quickly. I also feel extremely guilty when I don't do things 'right' or like others think I should. I am constantly worried that I'm going to do something wrong or disappoint others. It's been a struggle, that truly I never thought I would deal with. I was always so strong my whole life. But it was my own supposed strength, that has come crumbling down. And now dealing with these issues makes me feel weak and insecure. Having to come to grips with the realization that my life, my identity, can only be found in the Lord and the Lord alone, is hard to accept. To accept that it's all about loving Him and not about being the perfect Christian, wife, mother or whatever, is not easy. Not for someone who has based their identity for years their whole life, in what they do and how good they do it. And now I have to accept that is has nothing to do with what I do or how good I do it. It's all about the Lord's love for me. And that my focus needs to be on Him and not on what I do or how good I do it. But as much as I judge myself and condemn myself, I do it so very quickly to others. If they don't do things the way I'm doing them, then I can feel superior. But I've also gotten that kind of judgment from others. I've written about it before, the feeling that others are looking down on me because I don't homeschool like them, or I don't do the 'natural' thing like them, or my family is just run differently then them. We can all do that back and fourth to each other. Then today I was reading the Old Schoolhouse Magazine, the fall edition. There was an article by Paula Moldenhauer called Shaped by His Hand. She had a sentence in there that has encouraged me so much. She said, "Judgment happens when we attach righteousness to something besides Christ's saving blood." Wow, the Lord truly used that one sentence to encourage me today. That is not only what I have done to others, but what others have done to me. And reading that sentence helps me visualize how wrong it truly is. And it's also helped me to see how I've attached righteousness to things I 'do', and why I feel so guilty and fearful that I'm going to do things wrong. I so need to just keep my focus on the Lord and on His love for me.
Lord, forgive me for not keeping my focus on You. Forgive me for attaching righteousness to things I do and how I act. I am truly sorry for me doing that. Help me Lord to love You and others. Help me to stop fearing so much, and to truly trust in You.
I love that quote! I'm thinking about printing it up and putting it on my fridge. I'm starting to get better about focusing my thoughts on the Lord, but it seems like for a every step forward, I take three back, sometimes.
I hope you are having a great start to the week, and staying warm!
Hi JoAnn, Glad you have had a mellow day. God is good to us. Especially when he seems to use just that one little line/sentence. Have a blessed week. We are making christmas cookies tomorrow! I am so excited about it. My sister will come over in the morning and we will bake till we drop. See ya later, Tammy
It really sounds like the Lord is leading you and growing you like Him. [ 0= Your heart is in a VERY good place...looking toward HIM. I pray blessings in the places that He leads you to fill your time with.
I've been going through similar issues myself.
I have to be really careful about knowing the difference between what someone is telling me to do and what the Lord is saying.My motives for doing things can often be off as well.
Love Sianne.xx
I think your homeschool co-op sounds nice. It will be great you getting to know other homeschoolers in your area! You have been soooo very busy lately - dealing with something stressful in ones life is enough for anyone - but you have been dealing with multiple stress triggers - family health, loss/gain of husbands job, move, finances, family issues, it's okay to reflect & crash for a little while and just rest, and more importantly, rest in Him. Good post.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I have been where you are so many times. I am glad that you and Paul are on the same page concerning school. Jeff and I had a similiar chat last spring and what a difference that made in how we homeschool.
Anissa
This blog is so I can share my journey with the Lord, my journey as a wife and mother, and my journey as a homeschool mom. I pray that you will see the Lord in my life through happy and sad times, and that this blog glorifies the Lord.
This is an award and tag free zone, thank you.
We are both quite happy about that. We'll join tomorrow at the Christmas party. It's going to be different this year. I'm not use to belonging to a 'group'. But I think it's going to be good. Paul's looking forward to it also. I think it's great he'll meet some other homeschooling fathers.
Usually I can do crafts and things when the TV is on, but lately I'm just vegging out in front of it. I go through times like this. Then after a bit, things get back to normal. I really do think I'm still trying to get use to being settled out here and just living life, instead of rushing everywhere and stressing about health and moving issues. I just have to keep giving it to the Lord, and I know He'll get me through it all.
