***This is a very long, rambling entry, read at your own risk ***
I've never really been one who does New Years resolutions. I guess I've always thought of some things I might want to do the year, but that's it. No big resolutions though. But at the beginning of a new year, there are always some things I would like to try to do a bit different, as things seem fresh and new. I'm the type of person who is really good at organizing and getting things 'ready'. I'll even go strong with it for a while, but then, I don't know, I guess maybe I loose interest or something. Lets just say my strong point isn't always in finishing things I've started. And the perfectionist/control freak in me, prefers me not starting anything, that way I don't disappoint when I don't finish it or finish it 'perfectly'. And through that thought process I've realized I don't set goals for myself anymore.
But my first thought of goals is, should we set them? I mean, if I set a goal, is that being closed off to what the Lord has for me? Will I be so focused on the 'goal', on doing what I said I would do, on following through on my 'word' that I don't hear the Lord if He's telling me to do something different? Is that just a cop out thought? Then my second thought on goals is this, I don't want to set them because if I do and I don't do them I have disappointed the Lord, myself and others. I really don't like disappointing others or doing things 'wrong'. So if I don't set the goals, then I can't disappoint anyone. Or if I do think of some goal I might want to accomplish, I don't tell anyone about it, that way if I don't accomplish it, I won't disappoint anyone. But is that what the Lord wants of me? Should I have goals? Should I have things I work towards? What if I don't make those goals? What if I mess up and fall flat on my face? What if I disappoint everyone around me? What if people see I can't control everything and that I'm a freak sometimes? What if I'm not the responsible adult I'm 'suppose' to be? What if, What if, What if
So being that it's the first day in 2008, these thoughts have been tumbling around in my head. There are some things I want to do, but do I share what those things are? Do I put myself out there knowing I can disappoint people, especially those who think I have it all under control. Do you have people like that in your life? People who think that you have it so in control they completely freak out if you loose it for a bit. That by you not being perfect or doing things the way they think you should be doing it, it puts them in a weird state, and you feel guilty about it. Or maybe they start questioning your faith or your walk or God in general. Because if you were truly a Christian and walked with the Lord then.....Or the famous, well if God truly loved then........ Man, talk about pressure. That's probably why I'm afraid to share any kind of goals or anything.
So back to goals or no goals. Hmmm, maybe if I use another term. OK, these are things I would like to try to accomplish, 'them'. I will say first and foremost, I have not truly prayed about these, so as the days, weeks and months go by, if the Lord shows me that these are not what He wants for me, then I will drop 'them'.
So the list of 'them' :
I need to try to figure out what it really means to 'be in the Word'. I get greatly confused on that one. I know how to 'study' the Word. Pull out concordances, dictionaries etc..., take notes and write up things. I use to do that for years. Here's something I don't mention much, I use to teach Women's Bible Studies. Not reading some book or study guide, but we took turns teaching from the bible at the Women's Bible Studies. That was back at the cultish church, so it's not something I choose to dwell on or think about much. But the only reason I say it, is I know how to do the whole 'study' thing. But, that kind of study doesn't necessarily help me in my walk. Does that even make sense? That kind of study for me was a very directed thing as there was certain things I needed to learn to teach what I was to teach. But to do it for my own walk is hard (and yes I'm aware that back then it should have been for my own walk, which it was, but I'm talking now of just a personal study time). Plus, I truly don't always have the time to pull out everything, have a quiet area, and do the 'study' thing. And when I just 'read' the Word, I loose track, I space out and usually forget everything I've read. Plus, I'm always trying to figure out, what do I read? How much? How long? I guess I expect some set 'plan' and maybe that's my biggest problem. Maybe I need to just focus on the Lord and ask Him what I am suppose to do. But then that leads to my next 'them'.
I need to spend more time learning how to hear from the Lord. He has blessed me with lots of time in 2007 showing me I do still hear from Him. But truly I have lost all confidence that I can hear from Him, pray 'properly' or study His Word. So I don't spend much time in prayer. And I will admit, I guess a part of me doesn't spend much time in prayer because there is this part of me that thinks 'why bother, the Lord is going to do what He wants anyway'. I know that's wrong, and I know the 'pat' answers, we pray not to change the Lord but to change us, to get our will in line with His. I realized a few months ago when I was chatting with a dear friend, I have no problem rattling of the 'pat Christian answers'. I know the terminology, I've been around it for years. I know the right things to say, I know how to 'sound' very Godly and as a 'good Christian'. But as I was rattling off these pat answers one day to my friend, she asked me to explain them to her. She would say things like, "Well what do you mean by that?" It got me realizing, I haven't a clue what I mean by that, it's just the answer you are suppose to give. It's what I was taught. I was never taught how to really explain myself, and I never bothered to find out for myself what I was saying. I was just learning to look the part of the 'good Christian', like all good Christians should. OK, I haven 't a clue how to end this subject, except to just start another one of 'them'.
I am thinking of doing a 'read the bible through in a year' plan. I've done it once before (though at that time I had to read about 1 weeks worth in 1 day to finish before the year ended ). But I like the idea of it because first I'm a list person, and having a list to follow is good for me. Plus I always made it something separate than my morning time, so I tried doing it before I went to bed every night. And I liked that the last thing I read before bed was God's Word. There was something soothing about that. At the beginning of every year I think of doing this, and this year is no different. But I might try it again anyway.
Talk with Paul more about our focus as a family and as a homeschool family. I did just talk to him recently about what we thought the direction of our schooling was going in. But I think it would be good to talk throughout the year about it.
To try not to be so easily frustrated and angry, especially at the kids. Like I said, I am a perfectionist (which I don't like being at all), and if my routine gets messed up, I can get very frustrated. Plus, you would think with my many imperfections I could accept others. But, nope, when others fail or when I'm teaching and they just don't 'get' something that I think is simple, I get very frustrated. Believe me, my unattainable expectations of myself I put on others too, it's sad, I know.
But I think through this all, is the fact that I want to truly start to live for the Lord and not for myself. I have always been the type of person who, though I've walked with the Lord, I've truly just done what I thought was right. I've always watched out for 'number one', and never wanted to get to 'radical' about my faith. You know, it's a good thing to have, but lets not get carried away with it, kind of attitude. But the other day, when I was reading my devotional, they asked a question. Do I try to fit God into my life, or is He my life? That just hit me, that's my problem. I have always tried to fit God into my life, I've never truly made Him my life. Why? Fear, simply put. Fear that He would have me do something I don't want to do. Fear that He would bring all these tragedies into my life to help me 'learn' things. Fear that my family and friends would think I was a freak and be mad at me for doing things 'odd'. I mean, how would they accept it if the Lord called me to something they were completely against? A missions trip, giving money that we should save, or just speaking of my love for Him more than anything else. Would they really be able to handle it? I don't know. But see, to me this is the issue, and it may sound mean, but does it matter if they can handle it or not? I mean really, does the Lord call us to do things that only our friends and family can handle seeing us do? Or does He call us to a radically different life style? Should I look just like my family and friends who don't walk with the Lord? Right now I do look a lot like them, but shouldn't I be different? Not that I should try to just 'look' some sort of way. It's hard to put it in words. I guess in a way I'm trying to make my friends and family happy with my life, by not being too radical, and that has put me sitting square on the middle of the fence. Not a good place to be. I'm nether hot nor cold, I'm just 'there'. Because that way I don't really offend anyone. But believe me when I say, that's a sad existence. I have realized, especially since I've moved out by family this past 4 years, that's exactly what I've been doing. Being afraid of being to radical, of offending family members who just don't walk with the Lord. Trying to say 'neutral'. I can't live that way anymore. Either God is my life, my whole life, or He's not. I need Him to be my whole life. I can't be torn in two anymore. I have to care more about my Lord, and in the caring more about my Lord, He'll show me how to love my family without compromising my love for Him. And truly, I guess that is my prayer for the year. That I would learn how to live for the Lord, and how to love and accept others without compromising my love for the Lord. Lord, help me to do that, because truly there is no way I can do it on my own.
So, if you are still with me, I will end with this. I use to have a verse for the year. Something that the Lord had given me. I'll be honest, I haven't done that for years, and no, I don't have one that He's given me for this year. But I will give you the verse of this blog, Psalms 16:2
I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good beside You."
You are so honest and it is refreshing. Thank you!
To be honest, I am not a 'rules' person. I believe that Jesus gave ONE command and all the other commands are covered by it - and that is to LOVE according to 1 Corinthians 13 and the description of the fruit of the Spirit.....
In God's eyes one day is no different than another. He only promises me TODAY and His Will is the same all the time..... so my 'goal' for each day is to draw close to Him. I also feel that if I have a set of rules to live by, they would hinder me practicing how to be led by the Spirit. So, I will go with Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths - Proverbs 3. I just can't set myself goals for a year starting on a specific date. I have read through the Bible in a year but I started it randomly on September the 13th one year LOL. I used an online program which was cool, it sent the scriptures to my email so I could read it online or just take the scriptures and read them the regular way. Ok, now I am rambling in your comment box, sorry!! LOL
I have thourghly enjoyed what God is leading and revealing in you. I really needed to hear when you said ...
"Fear that my family and friends would think I was a freak and be mad at me for doing things 'odd'. I mean, how would they accept it if the Lord called me to something they were completely against? A missions trip, giving money that we should save, or just speaking of my love for Him more than anything else. Would they really be able to handle it? I don't know. But see, to me this is the issue, and it may sound mean, but does it matter if they can handle it or not? I mean really, does the Lord call us to do things that only our friends and family can handle seeing us do? Or does He call us to a radically different life style? Should I look just like my family and friends who don't walk with the Lord? "
I want to have this attitude this year. I want to live boldly but lovingly amongst my hubby's family. I pray that the Lord will show me "how".
Thank you for letting God lead your heart and your hands to share this post. (((hugs)))
Truly from the heart.
OK, JoAnn, I never make new years resolutions either. Not every year I receive a verse from God for the New year. You hit the nail on the head when you said that about God (paraphrased by me,I know I should have copied your sentence) "Put God into our own mold".
All what God wants from us is a broken and contrite heart that wants to follow Him. This leads us to a relationship with him.
Love you,
Katia
Ok. I started to comment you first thing this morning when my oldest asked to borrow the computer for a moment. Eleven hours later, I just re-read your post and thought WOW! I need to open this up in two windows!
Potent lines:
'That's probably why I'm afraid to share any kind of goals or anything.'
'Fear that He would bring all these tragedies into my life to help me 'learn' things'
~~ I so know where these feelings are coming from but beleive me (me being a much older person and having lived through way too many tragedies) The Lord isn't like that.
So many times people have said the Lord doesn't give you more then you can bear and I think I wish he didn't think I could bear so much. But the truth is, he doesn't do this to us.
Your first commentor said, "...gave ONE command" ... "and that is to LOVE..."
'He'll show me how to love my family without compromising my love for Him.'
~~You are so right! Remember, you ARE showing your love for him when you love your family, too!
This one has been a hard one for me as I've had a hard time learning to 'love' my MIL who now lives with us until one of us passes. These last two (yes 2) years, have been hard to remember and act on how the Lord wants me to treat her. After two years, I'm finally getting it.
I find your truths wonderful and helpful. I rarely talk religion and have sometimes thought maybe I should leave HSB because of it. I don't quote scripture. Not from the lack of reading it, but so many others here do a much better job at it.
Thanks for opening yourself up and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I count it a blessing that the Lord brought you into MY life.
OK, so i'm not really that cheerful this a.m....haven't even finished my coffee yet.
I did "make it' through your post. No apologies for length.....sometimes life isn't short and sweet.
I had a couple of thoughts. I don't normally like to make "resolutions" either as i too am a perfectionist. The verse that kept coming back to me was...
Where there is no vision, the people perish.
Proverbs 29:18
Also you said,
"Do you have people like that in your life? People who think that you have it so in control they completely freak out if you loose it for a bit. That by you not being perfect or doing things the way they think you should be doing it, it puts them in a weird state, and you feel guilty about it."
Yeah, my husband is this way in my life. If i have a baby or the flu and am not up to speed, he doesn't handle that well. This is not really my problem, it's his, but it sure does affect me!
Yes, living for the Lord is scary. LIke CS Lewis said of Aslan, "No, he's not safe, but he is Good."
He does ask us to do things differently and when we make choices for Him, we do offend those who don't live for Him or know Him. Sometimes it is simply our examples that convict them on the inside and that can be so irritating to them, though they may not even realize that. We have faced much heartache from doing things differently from our families and friends. It has been very hard, but we know we are doing what God wants of us. He says,
:Matthew 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
OK< sorry to write a book for a comment. Maybe i should have just written a response at my blog!
Just know you aren't alone. We all have felt the same things at times. It is a time of choosing, of not being comfortable where you are, and that can be a good thing.
This blog is so I can share my journey with the Lord, my journey as a wife and mother, and my journey as a homeschool mom. I pray that you will see the Lord in my life through happy and sad times, and that this blog glorifies the Lord.
This is an award and tag free zone, thank you.
***
I know that's wrong, and I know the 'pat' answers, we pray not to change the Lord but to change us, to get our will in line with His. I realized a few months ago when I was chatting with a dear friend, I have no problem rattling of the 'pat Christian answers'. I know the terminology, I've been around it for years. I know the right things to say, I know how to 'sound' very Godly and as a 'good Christian'. But as I was rattling off these pat answers one day to my friend, she asked me to explain them to her. 
She would say things like, "Well what do you mean by that?" It got me realizing, I haven't a clue what I mean by that, it's just the answer you are suppose to give. It's what I was taught. I was never taught how to really explain myself, and I never bothered to find out for myself what I was saying. I was just learning to look the part of the 'good Christian', like all good Christians should. OK, I haven 't a clue how to end this subject, except to just start another one of 'them'.
). But I like the idea of it because first I'm a list person, and having a list to follow is good for me. Plus I always made it something separate than my morning time, so I tried doing it before I went to bed every night. And I liked that the last thing I read before bed was God's Word. There was something soothing about that. At the beginning of every year I think of doing this, and this year is no different. But I might try it again anyway.
