It's been a good weekend. Saturday was real fun with our friends coming over and church in the evening. It wasn't nice enough for the kids to play outside, but they had fun on the Wii system after lunch. Everyone liked the food I made, and I was actually trying to encourage my friend about cooking more things from scratch. Which I think is just too funny since I've had such an issue with it. I started to feel bad actually because she would say, "Oh did you make this yourself too?" Not in a bad way, but would always follow it up with, "I'm just not good with that. I would like to make more things myself, but I just get so busy." I let her know not to beat herself up about it, and that I would help her if she ever wanted it. But the whole thing was just so ironic to me, since I was feeling like I was so bad at not making things by scratch.
After they left we had about an hour, then we had to go to church. As usual, church was awesome, and the Lord used our Pastor's message in my life again. I am really starting to like our church more and more. I really needed to give it more time.
But, this is the main point of my entry, and the reason for the title. I brought up on my last entry about the germ fear issue I deal with. I haven't had it a long time, it only started about a year or so ago. I've never understood why things that never bothered me before has bothered me so much lately. I won't go into lots of detail, but the fear was keeping me out of the kitchen because my fear of germs getting everywhere. I was washing my hands to much, I wasn't believing my husband when he said things were clean. And, sadly, I was starting to insist that my kids wash their hands when it wasn't really needed. I have been praying about this since it showed its ugly head about a year ago. My husband has been such an encouragement to me through this, and has always tried to show me the misunderstanding I've had in certain areas. The Lord also brought a great friend into my life to help me with the truth about germs and my fears in general. Again, I've been working through this with the Lord for quite a while.
On Friday night we went stock up shopping for meats, so of course there was a lot of 'fears' going on that night, though I did do pretty good. But then I woke up Saturday morning at 6:30am thinking of a possible germ thing, so goofy I know. Both my husband and friend has told me for months how this is distracting me. But as I'm thinking about things that morning I was going through the last time we were at a friends house. How the way she handled meat was so different and nothing has happened to them, but, then I thought, 'Yea, but my house is cleaner than hers." I finally fell back to sleep, and later in the morning I was having my devotional time.
My devotion was talking about pride's corruption. As I'm reading this slowly thoughts creep into my head about the germ issue. I push those thoughts out of my mind. They list some characteristics of pride: self-promotion, no regard for boundaries, its driven by competition and comparison, it's critical of others in effort to elevate self and fifth it's unteachable. But then it asks questions to help you delve deeper, and one of the questions was, "In what areas of my life do I feel I know all there is to know?" That's when it hit me, and hit me hard, in the germ area. See, no matter what people told me about germs and how inaccurate I was with my thinking, I didn't believe them. I would think, "Well, I know better then them, I'm in the 'know' and they aren't." "They will learn from me how wrong they are."
Those thoughts then really got me thinking, could this 'fear' actually be 'pride'. And I remembered what I had thought earlier that morning about my friends house. That I thought my house was cleaner than hers. I truly started looking at some of the deep thoughts I have during those fear times and I realized, a lot of it is pride. This just hit me like a ton of bricks. I really started going through things and realized how many times the thought of my house being perfect and the 'best' went through my mind with my fears. I never noticed that in the midst of my fears, I just saw the fear. But now that the Lord was showing me things, it was just so shocking. Not shocking that I'm prideful, truly I know I am. It has always been a struggle with me, and my 'knowledge' of things has always been the biggest area of trouble. I'm such an 'know it all' type person, and I've never liked that about myself. But what surprised me was the fact that this pride manifested itself in my life as fear. But then as my friend pointed out to me, fear is linked with pride. We think that the Lord can't take care of us (the fear) and so we have to take care of things (pride).
It was such an eye opening moment, truly. I would like to say everything is great now and I don't deal with those thoughts anymore, but that would be a lie. My thoughts have become habits, and it's almost automatic for me to wash when I don't have to. Or obsessively clean when I don't have to. But I am trying to remind myself, when those times come, that it's just pride. And that if my house turns out to be a bit dirty, then so be it. (And I will say I'm not slacking on cleaning, and my husband can attest to this. What I'm talking about is obsessive cleaning). So I keep giving it to the Lord, and asking for His strength to get through these times. I can't make it through this without Him. And though this has been an ugly thing to see in myself, and quite embarrassing to share with all of you, it is something I feel to do. I need to give God all the glory for not giving up on me in this area. For showing me things, even when I didn't want to see them. For showing me areas that I haven't given to Him, and to show me my continual need for Him. One of the things the Lord showed me at church yesterday was another pride issue in my life. And that I still need the same amount of His grace now as I did before I gave my life to Him. It was so easy for me to see me bearing fruit, or 'maturing' in the Lord (as some people call it), and the thought slowly creeping in that I don't need as much grace as I did because of my growth. But the Lord showed me what a lie that is and that I need just as much of His grace now as I did then. Lord thank you for showing me these things, as hard as they are to see in myself. I give you all the glory for these things that you have shown me. I love you Lord.
I found your blog from the recently updated blogs page. This is a very thought provoking post. I'm still pondering the link between fear and pride. I think they're both linked by our need for control, which is actually a lack of trust in the Lord.
Hi JoAnn,
I've tried commenting 2-3 times last week and would always lose my comment, so here I try again. Happy to hear you are in the kitchen again and making yummy meals & cooking from scratch - sometimes a labor of love. I use to be quite the "neat freak", but not too obsessed with germs, per se. But as years go on, I've learned to relax a lot more, toddlers saw to it that it was pointless to keep a perfect home, and now having lots of pets keeps me humble. lol Clean all become relative around here with a cat that thinks he should have a revolving door because he wants in & out so often - tracking in sand every time. I still struggle with relaxing my cleaning for company - I still want everything perfect which I know is a competitive/pride thing, but I'm getting better.
Wow. First let me tell you that I am proud of you for sharing this with "us". I know it was not easy. Second, I think you are on to something with the fear and pride link. I think pride is a very BIG sin in my life, too. It can be so deceptive.
Jenn
This blog is so I can share my journey with the Lord, my journey as a wife and mother, and my journey as a homeschool mom. I pray that you will see the Lord in my life through happy and sad times, and that this blog glorifies the Lord.
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This just hit me like a ton of bricks. I really started going through things and realized how many times the thought of my house being perfect and the 'best' went through my mind with my fears. I never noticed that in the midst of my fears, I just saw the fear. But now that the Lord was showing me things, it was just so shocking. Not shocking that I'm prideful, truly I know I am. 
It has always been a struggle with me, and my 'knowledge' of things has always been the biggest area of trouble. I'm such an 'know it all' type person, and I've never liked that about myself. But what surprised me was the fact that this pride manifested itself in my life as fear. But then as my friend pointed out to me, fear is linked with pride. We think that the Lord can't take care of us (the fear) and so we have to take care of things (pride).
