It's been quite an interesting week this week. It has been filled with lots of emotional time, crying, heartache along with growth, healing and blessings. I'm not going into all the details, but I do what to share of the Lord's blessing through it all. So sorry if this is vague.
It began toward the beginning of the week. A misunderstanding, an expectation that was not met and a dream that was shattered. And then through the emotions, the ups and downs during those events, feeling, hurts and emotions from my past came back and compounded things. At a point during it all I was mad, mad at the person with the misunderstanding, mad the situation and mad at God. Yes, I was mad at God. I felt like He allowed a dream to start growing, just to pull the rug out from underneath me. I felt like He was a mean God. I was mad at Him, and I told Him so. Through this pain and anger I prayed, not just angry prayers, but hurt prayers, confused about the situation prayers, needing comfort prayers.
On Thursday night I went to bible study. Nothing really settled, actually things had gotten a bit worse. This is when I was dealing with the issues and hurt from my past that seemed to come up. I was still angry at the situation and feeling the Lord did this all just to hurt me, as I went to bible study. The bible study was good, the Word encouraging. My friends prayed for me and it was sweet. But most importantly the Lord blessed me there. He blessed me with something I had wanted that I never thought I would get. He blessed me because of Him, not because of me. I was still angry, I was still hurt, and yet even though I didn't deserve it He blessed me.
I know that salvation is by faith alone, that we don't deserve it, I understand that. But I still have this thing in me that feels like He's only happy with me when I do things "right" (which in my perfectionist mind means flawless). That He'll only bless me when I'm in good standing with Him. That for Him not to be disappointed with me, I have to be perfect. But last night He showed me His blessings on me have absolutely nothing to do with me. He doesn't bless me because I'm doing things 'right' and He doesn't take things away because I'm doing things 'wrong'. He loves and accepts me despite my sin, and gives us things we don't need, just because sometimes.
I would love to say that everything is perfect and worked through. And I will say there has been some great growth and healing that has taken place through all of this. There is still an 'issue' out there that might flare up, though I pray it doesn't. But for me, most importantly, is that I have seen a part of God's love and acceptance of me I've never seen before. Thank you Lord for that and for your blessing that you've given me. I pray I will always remember what you have taught me when I use it.
OK, so what was this blessing He gave me? Well if you remember from this post I wanted to set up a reading area in our bedroom. I had priced gliders and they were all well out of my reach financially. Truthfully the whole reading area was a wash, I just couldn't afford it. So at bible study I casually asked if the ladies new of anyone selling a glider cheap, would they let me know. I thought maybe I could put things together bit by bit, though truthfully I wasn't to optimistic about it. After I say this to the ladies, the leader says, "Come here. Do you mean a glider like this?" She points out this beautiful glider sitting there. I'm like, yes exactly, how much do you want for it? She responds, "Oh nothing, you can just take it." Then she says do you need a little table too? What?!?! Of course I do, oh here's one you can just take too. That was my facial expression, along with some tears. I just couldn't believe it. The Lord had given me my reading corner. Just given it to me, in the midst of my anger at Him, not because I deserved it, but because of His love for me. It still brings tears to my eyes. OK, here are the pictures of my new reading corner.
The before pictures (I didn't think of taking them until I started emptying the drawers )
Oh JoAnn.... I am so sorry you have been having such a hard time. (((hugs))) If you need to talk (or vent), please know I am here for you. I've bent your ear more than once and would be glad to be there for you. I have been angry with God before, and have heard about everything before. I don't get shocked and I wouldn't judge you. Your chair and table is beautiful. I am so glad you got blessed. :) It sounds like you really needed it this week.
Wow, that is just like our Father to bless when we don't deserve to be blessed. That's a wonderful gift. I hope you are able to spend many hours praising the Lord in that chair!
Jenn
What a great testimony! Thanks so much for sharing it. I hope things continue to get better this week and the Lord provides a way out of this trial.
My heart felt sick reading the beginning of your post, but it is so good to know you are trusting in Him again. He can bring such beauty out of our ashes.
Oh JoAnn.... the Lord is faithful, what a beautiful testimony of that in this post. You are very special my friend. I really like your reading corner. It's so peaceful.
((((love you))))
Katia
What a beautiful example of grace, Joann! It reminds me of the verse/praise song, "It's your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance," and the verse in Proverbs about a kind/gentle word turning away wrath. We have such a wonderful Father! I'm so excited with you!
This blog is so I can share my journey with the Lord, my journey as a wife and mother, and my journey as a homeschool mom. I pray that you will see the Lord in my life through happy and sad times, and that this blog glorifies the Lord.
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She points out this beautiful glider sitting there. I'm like, yes exactly, how much do you want for it? She responds, "Oh nothing, you can just take it." 
Then she says do you need a little table too? What?!?! Of course I do, oh here's one you can just take too. 
)
