So all and all today was a great day of school, though a bit emotional.  But I think the Lord is trying to show me something through it all, but it's not always easy to learn or accept.  Paulie, the sweet boy he is, can be a grumbler and complainer.    I'm not talking about the little bit all kids do, but constantly, whenever he is told to do something other than play.  We have been dealing with this for quite a while, years now.  I have always 'babied' him in it.  I've tried talking him through everything, explaining why we shouldn't complain, given him bible verses but through it all I've 'babied' him.  We've explained to him about consequences and yet I would think, "Well he doesn't really understand, maybe those consequences are to harsh."  Or, "He still doesn't know what I'm saying or what we expect of him, so we better not punish him to bad."  I have not allowed my son to fully grow up, and I've allowed his learning disability to effect how I've disciplined him.    I've allowed that 'thought' to control me, to think my son really can't learn and understand, though I know he does.  I know he does understand about consequences and I know he understands discipline.  And the worse of it all is that Paul has tried to discipline him, and I've told him these things, and have manipulated his discipline of him.  So very wrong.

We have a strict rule here that dad does any discipline needed from school issues.  If it's something that needs to be taken care of right away, of course I will take care of it.  But, Paul wants the kids to know they must listen and obey me during the day, and that he is behind me whatever I say and do while he's not here.  It is a true blessing to have that, and I try so very hard not to take it lightly.  Well on his usual call during his lunch break he asked how the day was.  I was honest in the fact that the whining, complaining and back talking had worn me out a bit.  So he said, "I'll take care of it when I get home.  I talked with Paulie this morning and I told him he would be grounded if he did anything like that."  I immediately felt bad for him and thought, "Well maybe it wasn't that bad."  Paul stopped me right then and said, no, it's gone on long enough, he needs to learn he can't keep acting this way.  And I know the Lord had spoken to me through my husband, and he was right.  I had kept my son from truly learning about consequences and most importantly, I've kept him from learning to take responsibility for what he chooses to do or how he chooses to act.  So I stopped myself from saying anything, to worn out to fight anyway, and said, "You are right honey.  Whatever you talked to him about before, and what you feel to do is up to you, you are right."

That was so very hard to say.  He's my baby, he's my 'disabled' baby, I need to protect him, I need everyone to know he doesn't always 'know or understand', I need to 'explain away' why he acts the way he does.  But that's not what the Lord wants for me, and I know I'm not helping my son out at all.  Paulie is very bright, and though originally diagnosed as possibly autistic, he truly doesn't show that many signs of it.  And even if he did, a dear friend of mine who has a severly autistic son reminds me, "The bible says to discipline our children, it doesn't say only discipline our non disabled children."  So true.  And though he is behind the 'normal' standard for his age of schooling, he is smart.  He can memorize games and movies and say them word for word.  When he knows he's right about something, he knows he's right.  And he loves the Lord and has such a sweet and caring spirit about him.  He just doesn't want to do what he 'has' to do, and everything needs to be fun or he doesn't want to do it.  That's just pride, plain and simple, something we all deal with and something he needs to learn to deal with.

Paul and I are of the opinion that we are not going to make school and everything the kids do 'fun and exciting' for them.  They need to learn that not everything is fun and exciting and that they need to do their work whether they 'feel' like it or not.  Like I'm always telling them, "Cleaning the toilets isn't fun and exciting for me, but they need to be done.  And what makes it a drudgery or not is my attitude in it not what I have to do, which is clean toilets."  That's what we want our kids to learn.  That yes, some things we do are fun, and that yes, school and learning can be very fun.  But there are times we just need to do because it's what we need to do, period.  And we have taught that to Sarah, and now I'm backing off and allowing Paulie to be taught that too.  Because how he responds right now to what he doesn't want to do is unacceptable, and like Paul said, it needs to be nipped in the bud, now.

So that was our first day.  We all learned something, it was fun and exciting, and at times just getting done what needed to be done.    I know that tomorrow will be another day to learn, grow and though I won't say "better day', because I wouldn't say today was bad, I pray for a less tiring day.  I also want to say, what I have written here is for and about me and my family.  Not all autistic/disabled children are alike.  The Lord does not call us all to discipline and raise a family the same.  Please do not read this and think that you are doing something wrong because you don't do it the same (unless the Lord is showing you that) nor please don't feel the need to tell me that you think that we are doing something wrong (if we are, the Lord will show us that too).  I'm writing about what the Lord has shown me and my family, as I know He shows you and your family many wonderful and sometimes different things.  This is what He has shown us. 

So there it is.  A very long and personal recap of our first day of school this year.  Though it wasn't what other first days have been, I feel the best about this day.  I think our schooling this year is going to be a great growth time for all of us, and I'm blessed that we are able to learn it all together.  I hope you are having a great week, and if you don't hear from me again in a while, remember we will be out of town this weekend.