Mar. 28, 2008 - Dearest friend--

I wish these memories would fade away
Memories of better times
Times that no longer exist
Existance that is no more.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm living for
I ask myself if the hurt will grow stronger
This lonelyness I feel.
It is like a part of me is gone.
A part that people hold in their hearts and love

How could I know it would be like this
I'm determined to fight this fight and press on
My thoughts are flooded with memories
A beauty in the cold
Longing for something more

I'm depriving myself of the thing I want
The thing that brings happiness to my life
It's a hole in my heart
A missing piece
A piece that is not necessary, but is important to life.

For long months I have struggled with this
God's taken away and I wonder why
I have to know that this all has a reason
Even though it will sting and burn and I feel like giving up on life
Maybe just for a day, I could have the thing that I need

Right now I'm confused.
I'm grieving my loss... again
These things are bottled up inside of me
How many times will this go on
Tears have fallen
I try and deal with this the best I can.
Now I understand.

I'm not sure who is left
Whom I can trust.
Whom I can love.
I have to give this a chance
I have to hold back from these overwelming feelings and take this one step at a time
Breathing fresh air
Starting new... again.

Will I fail this time?
Will I stumble and not get up?
Will I fall apart again?
Holding on to my memories...
Holding on to what is left....
Holding on to what matters most....
Jesus Christ.