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Feb. 1, 2007
Emphasizing the Successes
At times, as a single mother raising a child with many challenges and special needs, and being someone who was raised by a family that believed in no discipline whatsoever, I have had a hard time figuring out how to parent my own kid. My mother and grandparents, with whom I lived for my entire life, believed that children shouldn't even be scolded. Even when I had tantrums, when I talked back, when I was outright defiant and insulting and disrespectful, which I was, more often than not, it was totally tolerated. I was never spanked, grounded or even scolded. Kids will be kids, they'd say. While that may sound like a charmed life to some, it didn't do me any favors. I acted out a lot as a kid just trying to get a reaction. I grew up sometimes feeling like I had no guidance, like I had to solve all my problems on my own. After all, I was the ultimate authority and my good behavior wasn't any more recognized than my bad.
Because my family was so radically permissive with me, I have a tendency to dismiss all their ideas about parenting. They kept saying I was too hard on PJ, I was being too negative, I was harping, I was nagging, etc. After much kicking and screaming (of and by many individuals in my family!) I have decided that it's time to give in and admit that the way I deal with PJ's disability-related outbursts and meltdowns may indeed be more effective than my family's approaches (pleading, nagging, attempts at sweettalking - all of which drive a child in the middle of an autistic meltdown absolutely starkers), but it's not doing much to engender trust and love and peace and godliness in this household, which are much more my ultimate goals than "having PJ do what I say."
This week, after a very difficult weekend, we started doing a little rewards chart. I decided to work on one behavior at a time. For now, it's "doing what you're told all the way and cheerfully without contradicting." Contradicting is a huge, huge problem here. I'm not talking about basic differences of opinion; I'm talking about going against every little thing I say about anything. He gets rewarded in three ways:
1. He must now earn his "screentime" privileges. If he gets five stickers for good behavior one day, he gets a "good behavior coupon" that is his pass for screentime the next day. Screentime has its own rules as before - for every half hour spent reading, one hour of TV; no gaming before schoolwork - but
he has to earn the right to have them at all. Once earned, the coupon cannot be taken away and neither can stickers, no matter what.
2. On Saturday, I will add up how many stickers he has on the chart and give him ten cents per sticker. That's his allowance. I said it was like a salary, because it's his only "job" to be a helpful, loving, respectful little boy. He is over the moon. You should see him at the chart gleefully counting his stickers and adding up how much money it is. (He's at $1.70 right now. A small fortune LOL)
3. If he reaches 20 stickers in one week, he gets a treat on the weekends. It has to be under $20. EVen still, $20 a week is a lot of money for me, but my family has agreed to help out with this. It is of his choice - seeing a matinee movie, going to the arcade to play, going to the children's museum, buying a DVD or game, renting movies at Blockbuster, buying the latest issue of his favorite comic book.
He is working so hard to earn those stickers this last week. Outbursts have been minimal; only one meltdown, wherein he offered to give back his screentime privilege card, but I declined - he earned it the day before. I told him he could remind me if I forget to recognize a "good deed." He is very enthusiastic about doing nice things to earn stickers, but I have surprised him and praised him a lot for when he hasn't been "trying," but was being nice "just because" too. I tell him I want to help him earn the stickers,. It has made such a big difference. I am focusing on the successes and not just pointing out all the wrongdoing. I am sure there will be days or weeks ahead where the stickers will not get earned, but for now, this is helping so, so much. My goal is to help him feel more successful and approved-of. So far, so good.
And today I thought, wouldn't so many people's perspective be different if they lived their lives this way - rewarding others for their efforts and their kindnesses and de-emphasizing all the wrongs and hurts. In my own life, I could really use an emphasis on all my blessings, of which there are too many to list here, instead of all my set backs. One's world view really goes on tilt when one starts emphasizing the successes instead of the failures. |
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Feb. 12, 2007 - WOW