Have you seen the movie Facing the Giants?  If you have you will understand what I am about to say...  lately, I feel like I am doing "the death crawl" with a heavy weight on my back and what I really need (besides a coach to cheer me on) is a BLINDFOLD to keep me focused on what I CAN do, not where I am, how far I have to go, how far I have gone and any other standard human limitations.  I need to "prepare my fields for rain", but I am just about tapped out this week. 

We all have our ebbs and flows of energy and mine is ebbing quite a bit right now.  I just ache and I want to give up trying, but I know that is silly.

Pray that God will keep me focused. 

I have three major areas where I am struggling:

1.) consistency in my parenting

2.) troubles my children are having with some very rowdy children at church (who have caused mischief for every one of the seven years that we have been at this church and the older they become the harder they are to deal with...)

3.) patience with God's will in the "baby" department...  I am trying to keep my eyes on the GIVER and not the GIFT.  I am trying to remember that the goal of Russ' reversal was obedience to God and not necessarily more children, but each month is a whirlwind of emotions...  what if I am?  what if I am not?  Can I handle it?(spiritually, emotionally and physcially), Do I even WANT more children?  Does it really matter what I WANT?  what if I have no more children?  What if I have 10 more?  Can we afford it?  What if I miscarry again?  WILL I STILL LOVE the LORD no matter what??????? 

YES.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phil. 4:4

Whatever His will is...  I will WHOLLY surrender my HOLEY self to be made more like HIM...  HOLY! 

SIGH! 

If you have a spare blindfold...  send it my way, please!  :)

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Comments

Posted by chickadee

i struggled with all those baby thoughts as well before we decided to go ahead and try for another. those thought still cross my mind: can we afford it, can i handle it? every night i pray that God will help me to trust and obey.

thanks for adding me to your prayer list.

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Posted by JenIG

i am sorry my friend! hang in there.

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Posted by jaminacema

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving me a message about my fertility journey. As much as I enjoy blogging for other reasons my #1 blessing from blogging is having a format to share my fertility story. Sometimes in the midst of my 3 kids now I can even forget how hard those years were. But, what I do not want to forget is how much God grew me during our 15 year journey to build our family. Much (most) of the process was heart wrenching, but I truly believe that He used those times to help me find the path to being the person he wants me to be. I can totally relate to the feels you are having, but your attitude is right! Let Him do his work in you and rejoice in the end result, no matter what! You will be glad you did! I will be praying for you. Stop by and give me updates as time passes if you can. We are in the process of moving and I am having a hard time finding tome to visit blogs right now.

In Him,

Jamin

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Posted by AcceptanceWithJoy

Praises going up! You are doing so well in your journey. I haven't seen the movie you are talking about, but I hear you saying that you are working to keep your eyes focused on eternity ~ where they belong.

I think we get ourselves into trouble when we assume that this task will come easy (or look at others and think, "Why is it so easy for them?) It is at those times that we cruise and start looking at the here and now.

God is faithful ~ this time will grow you and make you more like Christ.

Blessings ~

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Posted by Vanderclan

...patience with God's will in the "baby" department... ...each month is a whirlwind of emotions... what if I am? what if I am not? ...Do I even WANT more children? Does it really matter what I WANT? what if I have no more children? What if I have 10 more? ... What if I miscarry [or birth a sleeping a child] again?

WILL I STILL LOVE the LORD no matter what????
WILL I STILL LOVE the LORD no matter what????
WILL I STILL LOVE the LORD no matter what????

I feel your pain and anguish. No words can help, I know. I will pray for you often Christina.

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Posted by nsremom

I loved your transarency. I also loved your comments about the reversal. It wasn't about a baby per se....but about obedience. That is a hard thing sometimes, huh? I'm almost always obedient with the big things, it's the little things like getting up early and not being a sloth......small thing, right? But I'm not being obedient to God, so it becomes a bigger issue.....

sorry, rambling.

I will pray for you this week.

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Posted by CountryMomof4

I saw that movie last week. It is fantastic! I was impacted by the same parts of it that you were, but I found it very motivating.
Hey, I want to share with you a conversation I had with a friend the other day. She was telling me about her husbands reversal, and how she waited, and waited to get pregnant. Month after month, nothing. Finally it had been a year since the reversal and she had decided it must have not worked. She gave it over to God. Within three months she was pregnant, and now, 5 years later she is getting ready to have her 6th baby (she had three before the reversal). I guess I tell you this to encourage you to keep your faith up. God's timing is often slower than we would like, but always perfect. Blessings ~Karlie

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Posted by hskubes

I am praying for you.


~ Christina
http://hskubes.lifewithchrist.org

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Posted by Momwtrmn

Oh, bless you, Christina. I needed that word of encouragement, myself. I have PCOS (simply put, I don't have cycles and find conception very difficult as a result), and we've been trying for another child for over 3.5 years. Sometimes, because of the intensely strong desire to have more children, I almost resent the ones I have, and I know that's me giving in to Satan's attack against me, but I need to focus on my blessings, not on what I don't have. Sometimes, it truly does seem more than I can handle, the wait, the wondering, every month, "Am I not having a cycle b/c I conceived?" Oh, it is a great heartache to me!

*grabs a blindfold herself*

Father, bless Christina as she goes about her day to day, giving her the focus she needs to carry through, the consistency her children need her to have, and the wisdom to know how to handle the mischief-makers' influence over her children. Bless her womb for hers and her hubby's obedience to You, let her bear Rebekah's blessing, that she become the mother of thousands and thousands (Gen. 24:60). But, whether she bears more or not, give her the peace of mind to be content in all things. ThankYou, Lord Jesus, for the work You've done in her life. Amen.

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Posted by InfertilityMom

After more than a decade of infertility, my heart aches for you in the monthly emotions you are facing right now. I pray that the Lord will grant you His perfect peace as you rest in Him, cycle by cycle, month by month.
You asked on my blog about my Stuff A Friend workshop. It was a blast! 22 kids!!! If you are interested in a birthday party, I would be more than happy to help you set one up - http://www.stuff-a-friend.biz :)

Edited by InfertilityMom on Feb. 10, 2007 at 12:24 PM

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Posted by Tiany

I am praying for you always!!!

Wish I lived near by to give a shoulder! :-(

Hugs and blessings,
Tiany

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Posted by Roxann

Hi Christina... I can only stop by your blog occassionally, as my Google Reader doesn't like it for some reason (???)
I obviously can't relate to any sort of pregnancy issues, but I will pray for you.
If you send me an email at natureladyrx at hotmail dot com, then I can have your email and send you my story updates (remember those? Yeah, I still do them.) I can send you the webpage that has the archives, and my blog (if you want another blog to keep up with...)

I look forward to your Christmas cards each year, and am sorry that I've let contact lapse the past couple years. Its always fun to hear from you!

*Rx

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Posted by JacqueDixonSoulRestES

PRAYING FOR YOU, Christina!
-In *all* of this...

It's hard to justify removing children from *church activities* in our christian culture today, but sometimes that *is* the ONLY answer for our children to be brought back into focus of God's plan for their lives and obedience to their parents...
Believe me. Been there; Done that. HARD to do.
BUT... it does bring everything full-circle in families.
Praying for you, my friend!
-Jacque

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Posted by JacqueDixonSoulRestES

Yes, I know... they do speak different languages, don't they? And, they more than likely won't get it. And, they don't have to. As long as you are doing as God leads and being loving and encouraging, not judgmental, God will take care of it.

I really felt guilty at first when we started cutting out such things, but, eventually, it all had to go.

We had been at our church for 5 years and were all very involved in ministries and knew almost everyone, since we lead so many things... Then, we realized how harmful the philosophy (of family and child-training and the "teen culture") of the church was to what God had planned for us, and we have been on a journey to become more Biblical ever since!

I posted something about a bit of what happened a year or so after that, when we had to pull Amanda out of Awana (as a leader, too) at another church and her reaction. I think sometimes we make certain "drastic changes" like this, and then we expect things to clear up right away, but we don't realize the seeds that have already been planted and the weeds that are already growing.

I had a friend who wisely told me once: *When you start putting the Word of God in there, it will start to grow, and as it does, it will start to push some of those hidden weeds up so that it looks like the Word is not being fruitful, but it actually is. We just have to be persistent and gently let those weeds be pushed out as we learn God's Word and get it into our hearts.*

You are making the right decisions. You are answering your calling. God will bless the work of your hands.

Anyway, my post is at:
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/JacqueDixonSoulRest
ES/275481/Homeschoolers+Who+Want+To+Go+to+%28
Public%29+School+AND+Growing+as+a+Young+Adult.
html

Still praying... Be blessed, Sister!
-Jacque

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Posted by homeskoolmom

I needed to hear this. We just watched this movie for the 2nd time last night. And yes, the death crawl is done at this house often. Sometimes I feel that I'm not even to the 10 yard line. I need that blindfold so I won't criticise myself or the children about how far we haven't come. With God, ALL things are possible. We will get our children raised and Lord willing, they'll be fine, upstanding God-honor, respectable citizens.
God bless,
Christine

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Posted by sforrester

Can someone hand me a blindfold while they're at it?! My husband and I have two daughters, 12 and 8, and have been trying to have more children FOREVER! At least it seems that way to me. It has taken its toll on us and now we just expect NOT to be pregnant every month. That's the wrong attitude, I know. It's just very difficult when you want more blessings and God has other plans. I find myself daydreaming about it all the time. When I do that, I've found a new way to cope......I simply say (out loud) "I will still love you Lord"!

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