Nov. 12, 2006 - Edie Sedgwick

Today, I tried to pretend I was Edie.

& then Audrey Hepburn and I held hands.

Nov. 11, 2006 -

Sometimes I forget life exists outside of my camera.

Sometimes it's better that way.

Nov. 7, 2006 -

Today/tonight i feel like i had a revelation &
my body feels in tingles & my lungs feel like they
have been freed. It's very strange. Very strange indeed.
But it feels right. I feel right. iIfeel like me.

Has anyone realized lately the sky
has been looking like it's going to
crumble in?

your back's a map. your backs a map? i'm memorized the indents & the way your spine curves perfectly. the way your right shoulder blade it just slightly higher than your left. how there is a large space between your hips & your ribs. a space i could curl up in. i've memorized the lines of your face & your silhouette. & if i ever go blind i can map my way across your body.

Nov. 5, 2006 -

i feel kind of like i have worms crawling through my brain.
it comes & goes comes & goes.
it's been coming & going for about two weeks.

I'm seeing Death Cab For Cutie tomorrow night!!!

Just about my favorite band, no big deal or anything.

Oct. 19, 2006 - Sometimes..

 I wish my life was a 30 minute sitcom that aired on some weekday night. things would be perfect if problems and questions in my head were solved in these 30 minutes and we would be moving on to the next situation. all my feelings and emotions narrated by some omniscient voice. everyone watching would know and I wouldn't have to tell anyone. laugh track, commercials, must see tv.

in other news, all I do is sleep until after 12 o'clock, write until me hands cramp up,read like a made woman,dance,theatet,repeat, and all I think about is being a housewife on my farm in Maryland.

Sep. 25, 2006 -

Somebody had a birthday yesterday.

And it wasn't you.

Fifteen!

Goodness gracious, grey hairs should be showing up any day now.

Does that look like the face of a fifteen year old to you?

Sep. 20, 2006 -

I am not a healthy child, I am willing to admit.

But then I think about it, and ask why should you be in this day and age?

There is a cure for everything!

Sep. 15, 2006 - I've got my health, I've got my car, and I've my rattling guitar, and for that, I am grateful.

so I have a few new goals for the year in general !
learn to appreciate what I have.
spend less time on the computer. (What a joke. Right?)
spend hours upon hours on writting, again.

work really hard on my Italian!
stop laughing at every awkward couple i am subjected to, it's cruel
learn to be more compassionate in general
watch more indie films.
stop wasting all my money on polaroid film. I just love it so.
get a job

work on my art journal more
exercise more& more&more!!!
Finish Fountainhead, why am I so slow?
& not be seduced by words, fictional and otherwise.



oh, i will be a disappointment at many of these..

Now to jumpstart my writting rampage:

Sep. 3, 2006 -

Aug. 30, 2006 -

Movement in, movement out.
Collapse out, collapse in.
Rhythmic misadventures because,
in the end, it is what we are.
But I never learned how to say goodbye.

Aug. 13, 2006 -

i am a liar & you are a lie.
in a world where we only love to be loved
why tell the truth.

Jul. 25, 2006 -

i have a crush on...
the word umbrella.

Jul. 16, 2006 -

Lust isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.
(Can you tell I've been reading CHOKE?)

But really

That store has me under a spell.
Love poisons brewing from every era you could imagine.

Ah, summer is a fine season to me.

I've eaten our freezer fresh out of popsicles. More to be bought in the flavor of raspberry. I love summer, but not enough to ask fall not to come. I do enjoy the falling of leaves.

I have had quite wonderful summer adventures.

Glare scout badges & Russian spies at 1 am.

Mmmmm how I wish you'd stay

Jul. 5, 2006 - Kameron

I hope you're pleased.

May. 26, 2006 -

Last night I didn't think once about people..
but this morning, I did.

I plan to eventually write out the frustration and feelings ive been holding in lately, Its time for me to face it and forget it.
I know not many, if any people actually read my blog, but i'm okay with that, it's better this way. But really, if you do, please leave feed back.

Person Number one:
I was part of a group of older people I didnt belong in. At that point in time, I mostly migrated from person to person, most would give up on me after a short while. We were good friends a few years back, but I could never remember the memories you seemed to know so well. We started talking during the summer.. We started hanging out, and soon...we were inseperable. I told you everything a best friend would. Things about guys, family..everything. You gave your opinion though I hardly ever took it. But still, you were comforting for a while. I went through a hard time and a lot of heartbreak with a guy friend, one who meant more to me than most at that point. When it ended I found out I could only not trust him, but I couldnt trust you. After discovering the many secrets you guys were keeping, I laughed it off. I tried my best to be happy for you two, even if it meant losing him as a friend. Things seemed to be ok, and hardly uncomfortable..as discussions of you and him would come up often. I listened to your problems, I even tried to help once or twice (feeling I could never really have an opinion on your relationship because of the events). I became a bad friend..or atleast, to most...I seemed like one. What had happened in the past wasnt an issue in our friendship anymore, I realized how you were. Numerous qualities showed the longer we hung out..most I didnt like. I guess I decided I was enough negitivity I would ever need in my life and you werent helping. I let you go slowly, and soon..without you knowing why I was doing it to you, you cut me off. I do not see you as the victim. You hurt me, and I lost faith in you a long time ago. You seemed to think I was the only one who thought so poorly of you, you are wrong. I know I shouldnt have been treated like that..by you, by him. Ive hung out 3 times since then, with the old friend I used to care so much about and realized......

your perfect for eachother.

Person Number two:
You changed me.
I blame myself for getting attached..
We met a long time ago..but we didn't even speak for years, then for some reason, you saw something in me, we soon started talking on aim. Soon the talks were more than "hi's". I liked talking to you. You were different.
The interest for me just grew with time. We started talking on the phone, my favorite conversations :)
To shorten a very long and drawn out story, you made a very hard year for me seem less difficult. From holding my hand when my sister in-law was in a car crash, to talking to me on the phone until 4am, because you didn't like the idea of me sittting up all alone. You made me look at things in a different light. We had a friendship I thought was special. You told me I was different. Most of our latest conversations revolve around "news", or just a quick hello. No more phone conversations, no more lies. I still think about you alot, maybe its me trying to hold on to the great person I once thought I could get close to. As I think and hear more and more I cant help but feel like I was nothing more than another girl you decided to hold hands with..another girl you decided to cuddle, just another girl, for lack of better words.

Im just another one of your friends.
Im just another girl.
You werent just another boy.

Person Number three:
I have a hard time trusting anyone, and you were no different. I could go on for pages writting about you.
I let you in and gave you my everything.
I dont regret it.

You're my twin pillars, without wich I could not stand.
Within a short time, we've been through so much.
I love you :) You are my best friend.
Please dont leave me here alone.

Apr. 23, 2006 - I'm in over my head.

Chapped-lip thoughts from tonight

as recorded in my written journal.

I guess this will be fairly personal, as personal as I get.

i.
Do other kids feel like this? Yes, yes, they do, it's all been done before, no one's story is that original, but that doesn't change my situation.
I don't want to end up feeling like I'm playing only the second-best role I could, or third-best, or some lifeless grunge I hate, I want something different, something less feasible and more fantastic (fanatic?). It's terrible that it's so tantalizing. I wish I could just just stop - take time to sit in silence, work on merging the pieces of my mind on paper.

ii.
I'm just so tired. Everything seems so unattainable to me these days. How pathetic - I 'm always so terrified of making mistakes (so I don't begin), terrified of not ending up with what I want, what I want, whatever it is I want, before I die. What's the point? What's the purpose, say say say stop and wonder? Sometimes, it seems like all you have is the moment, so you seize whatever makes you happy, or you think will make you happy, morals or humanity or kindness or creativity or beauty or destruction or even rambles, just whatever makes you happy, happy.

iii.
I can't see myself as anything but alone. Some people soothe me, make me forget about that selfish wretchedness. My problem - distance, loneliness, resistance to the contact with others that would cure that. I guess I keep thinking I want someone to save me, understand a piece of me, give me their own name for me and still not tie me down. I guess what I really need to do, though, is work more on just being okay with myself - myself and this solitary existence I seem to have imposed, because my mind tells me that's all there is, anyway, for everyone, not just me. I want to be complete in my own container. I don't want to rely on anyone to come fix me when I fall apart. ... Is it arrogance to fight your instincts, I wonder?

iv.
I hate that I let myself get attached to people.
I HATE AGE.
HATE AGE.
AGE
AGE
AGE


v.

I'm sorry if this post was completely horrible. But I can't. I can't. stand things how they are.
I can't write it all out right now. My eyes sting.
And. Right now. Something. Gnawing. impatience can't control me.
I can't let it. I won't let it. I am stronger than that.

vi.
[a poem to cap things off]

He told me, that it wouldn't matter if I died because people don't know how to think of me, they aren't sure which box to put me in, so they wouldn't know how to miss me. It is obvious to me where I would fit in, sad little sidebars. Signaling in broken words, tossing out side windows, to try and get everyone to see me like I see me. Common misconceptions always get in the way of real life thinking, friendships based upon misdeeds and untruths. No one is really honest because they can’t see through the windows, covered in smog grime, there is no air to breathe in to tell the truth.

I can see his breath in the air when he is telling me this. He is reading me his mental list of which order his friends should die in. Valuing one person’s actions over someone else’s. Where did you find the thoughts you needed to say that perhaps all along, it was me that didn’t make the difference.

If there were some explosion tomorrow, some pandemic that crawled across your skin and onto mine, there would be less to lose from the seizure of my lungs than yours. Your survival is automated, brought to your attention through a service announcement with bold words and childlike pronunciation. An afterthought to everyone who got left behind when you decided that you thought too big to be trapped in the decay.

Apr. 1, 2006 - where've you been? Where've you been?

So tonight, pretty trashy, i'd say.

I dislike being disliked.

I dislike being in a foul mood.

I dislike having to avoid certain people.

I dislike bad surprises.

I dislike panic attacks.

I dislike having the people I need most 32864395 miles away at college.

Mar. 28, 2006 - Gone Sugaring.

FIRST: Sorry if I haven't been commenting on your blog very much recently, I've been really busy with other stuff and just focussing on my writing as well as spending alot more time trying to improve myself as a person.
SECOND: entry.

Please don't question the way that I was made. There is a mathematical equation that equals the way we are meant to exist. There are values that get substituted into me, into you, giving us the final version of ourselves. The final product of an undefined amount of time. While passing by we will realize that the mathematics of existing grew more complicated the more we tried to avoid reality of it. Avoidance of the truth at hand, written in numbers scaling our bodies. Running through our veins are litres, set values. Inexplicably regenerative quantities of red numbers. I've sat still and watched some numbers file out of my skin. You've sat still from ages away and listened as the numbers fell to the ground by my feet. There is no one to listen to all the numbers in my head.

Opinions, please.

Mar. 5, 2006 - For the truth, that is breath.

The light catches my frame of vision strangely, I said while peering off the ledge. It seems as though the ice is breaking up, creaking below my weight. I can see my own reflection in the frigid water that is tripping below my feet. The resistance of the naturalness of gravity pulling me in is taking everything. My teeth are grinding against one another, naturally. And naturally, you are capturing the exact moment of my inner collapse onto film which you will develop. I will stand over your shoulder as the paper gives up the image. I will critisize myself for posture and lack of morals. You will tell me I've never looked more like myself.

When I sit on the edge of my bed later that night, brushing the pine needles from my hair, I will be thinking only of how that water would feel on my skin. Cleansing like they say in movies. They always say that it's like starting over, only metaphorically. When I tell you this, you say that I spend too much time living in metaphors, I'm in over my head.

What I've been trying to tell you is, that is where I want to be. That's where I'm most exposed, most open. Mostly.

Feb. 28, 2006 - I see Stephanie's a bird.

i'm sorry, it's just something i don't want to put my petite cracking body through.