"Momma, you don't ever rest." These were the words my sweet five-year old Brennan uttered to me this afternoon. Words that were spoken with the utmost in honesty. And, in fact, those five words stopped me in my tracks.
I don't rest? Worse than that, my kids don't see me rest? Sure there is tremendous value in hard work, but is there still value in only work and no rest? All throughout Scriptures we can read about the value in rest. Think of Mary and Martha. The Sabbath. Our Father even rested on the seventh day of creation. So why not me? Why is it so hard to rest?
My husband knows when things are bothering me. He'll find me deep in some obscure project working away. Somehow working keeps my mind busy, and allows me the short-lived luxury of not thinking about everything that is trying and difficult. So I'll organize the school supplies, or sort through old clothes, or start a new painting project, and so on. But, I won't sit. I won't be still.
These past months I've become more and more convicted about the need to be still, to rest. And yet I still keep on moving, spinning around...not resting. And my children notice. So throughout the day I pondered why I don't rest. Here's what I discovered...somehow I've taken the time of rest and allowed anxiety to creep into my mind. When I'm busy, I occupy my mind with other things. Many times, these activities aren't even needed or worth my time. The Lord doesn't want my rest time to be robbed! I have been living removed from true rest. A rest full of peace. Instead, my rest, or down times, have been difficult and unenjoyable. It's quite hard to be engaged in life with your kids when your mind races over problems.
Several posts back I wrote about finding joy in daily life. It's become clearer and clearer that joy can be found in real rest. Those times of rest, those breaks, those are the times that the Lord blesses us with! If I was always busy then I would miss that smile of achievement on my 15 month old as he walks between the couch and the chair. Or the joy in my seven year old as she watches snowflakes dance in the sky. Oh, how easy is would be to live busy, preoccupied with so many seemingly needed things.
"Come, come," He calls you, "O soul opressed and weary,
Come to the shadow of My desert rest;
Come walk with Me far from life's noisy discords.
And peace will breathe like music in your breast."
(from The Still Hour)
True pauses and moments of rest only come from spending time with my Lord. When I get caught in the frenzy of life there is no peace, no rest, no joy. Reading His Word, praying, and sitting at His feet...these are the actions that promote times of quietness in my life. Where I am free to sit and read with my children without feeling the need to be "busy" with tedious tasks. It is good for my children to see me rest. To laugh. I cringe at the thought of the memories of mom as one always working. I praise the Lord that He gave my precious Brennan the need to inform me that he, too, knows that I don't rest. Well, at least I didn't. With the Lord's help, I aim to pause...to breathe...to live again.
During this Advent season, I pray that you, too, will find moments of rest in your schedule. And that in those gifts of time that the joy of the season fills your heart.
...to stay here at homeschoolblogger. I kept going back and forth trying to decide my next move, and then it became crystal clear that I was to remain. To stick it out. To figure this out, and not move onto something else. Funny how that relates to life.
It's so easy to get caught up in the next thing, the next idea, and thus give up on today. And in that process of moving, jumping ship, today is lost. So often I find myself stuck daydreaming about how great it would be if stuff was, well, different. Sometimes when things get tough it seems all to easy to abandon what I am currently doing and seek something easier. But that easier means starting over, and not digging deep. It's in the process of struggle where the depths of who I am are tested. Where stamina and courage are formed.
Now, granted I'm probably not going to get stamina and courage from sticking with homeschoolblogger, but I will get focus. When there are too many options screaming for attention it is easy to flitter from one to the next. In the act of intentionally choosing to stay here at this blog site then I am, in fact, focusing. In my life it is the same. Here's an easy example....think of curriculum...the heavy Rainbow Resource catalog has to be close to 3 inches. That catalog probably has a new curriculum for each day of the year. If I were to simply look for a new curriculum when it got tough, we would never finish.
For me, in many areas of my life not choosing was less frightening. Sort of as if I had an out if something went wrong. But, in that not choosing I wasn't moving. I was stuck in ambiguity. And sitting in that place for so long robbed my heart of joy.
Society thrives on options. And yet, when there is no choice, there is no movement. At some point there has to be a decision. When I gave my life to Christ, I made a choice for Him. I chose to live my life as a daughter of the King. And that choice gives my life direction. You know, I've been writing about joy lately...when I choose to flitter around looking for joy in the world I am easily disappointed. When I sit at my Father's feet joy surprises me. Just now, my soul feels at rest. It's not of myself. It's from my Father.
God wants us to live victoriously. He wants us to live for Him, but He also wants us to use our talents wisely. We need to chose to make choices. We need to stand firm in our convictions even when the world tells us we're wrong. We need to teach our children to be children of the Lord, bringing His kingdom here on earth. We need to be bold. We need to know our choice, our decisions, our convictions. The Lord needs His people to be strong. Courageous. And focused.
What is joy? If joy was directly related to circumstances than I should have none. And yet there are moments where I feel joy. Where I feel alive and hopeful.
Today's society places so much emphasis on happiness. "Are you happy?" We are bombarded with images about products, books, seminars, etc...all guaranteed to make you happy. Is happiness the same as joy? Are they even related? The Bible talks multiple times about joy and yet fails to mention the word happy. To me, joy is deeper. It is an emotion that isn't linked to circumstances. Joy is a way of living that rises above the chaos.
When there is joy in my heart there is also peace. In Philippians Paul writes, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7) Three years ago, during the week my husband just had surgery for cancer and the same day my grandfather died and when I realized we would be out of work for months and our checking account was empty, I felt joy. A light snow was falling that December day. My husband was sound asleep, our three month old baby nestled in my arms. A dear friend called me worried that I was a wreck, but was surprised to find me joyful. Was I joyful about all the circumstances? Nope. Yet I felt this intense joy and peace. Like I knew that God was right there, holding my hand, holding our family up under HIS wings. I was safe. It was this joy of God. A joy that I couldn't manifest no matter how many books or self-help techniques I tried. This joy was rooted in my Father.
Many times I try to remember that moment, that hour of peace and joy. Oh, how I wish I could taste it once again. But, lately, life has beat me down. My life has felt dull and painful. There are moments of peace, but little joy. This blog, this journal, I'm hoping is a journey of joy. My friends, joy is in the Lord. When my heart begins to realize what my head knows then I know that I can begin to be free again. This world pollutes my mind with lies. Lies about happiness, joy, what I need, what I don't need, what I should be doing, where I should be going, that I've "failed", that my children don't have enough, or that they have too much, that they need to be taking multiple classes, that I need to get away, that I have too many children, and on and on and on. I could write hours about the lies that get fed to me, and to you, hourly. I'm not to live feeding off of these lies! They rob joy from my heart. Any time I feel free, feel peace, a little lie works to destroy it.
What to do? Put on the armor of Christ. In Ephesians it commands us to take up HIS armor. The shield of faith extinguishes the fiery darts of the evil one. Not deflects, not stops, but EXTINGUISHES. Think about that. With faith, the darts, the lies can be put out. Do you have a shield of faith? Do I?
The shield of faith is like a filter for the mind. Think about how a furnace filter catches all the pollutants so that our air is pure. This filter would be rooted in the Word of the Lord that is capable of catching those lies and extinguishing them before they are allowed to take root in my heart. Lies are like yeast. And the Lord warns us about yeast. A little bit permeates the entire batch. But how do you get a filter? By spending time in His Word. By binding those truths on your heart. By spending time on my knees in prayer. By pausing...just for a moment. In Psalm 1 the psalmist writes that he who meditates on the Word day and night is like a tree planted by streams of living water. That's a promise.
Oh, how I pray that this journal demonstrates victory. A victory that is found in Him. A victory of joy...one where I've finally surrendered my own agendas to the Lord. Where joy is found again.
Rachel
I am thinking about starting a second blog over on blogspot. I have some more freedom with the html and design. Those of you who know me in real life know how I love design! Anyways this is a duplicate post from there...just in case you were wondering about the references to "this journal." I'm still not 100% convinced I'll switch. I guess it depends on if I can figure out HSB coding better. I'll post the link to the other site if I decide to switch.
Today is one of those days. You know, THOSE days. In fact, it has been one of those weeks. Sigh. It's a day, or a week, where nothing seems to work out right. Or rather, even when I try to stay on track, to be engaged, to be a good mom, life still races out of control. Bad attitudes. Disobedience. Messes. My momma's heart is very tired, very weary. How do I keep putting a foot in front of another? How can I keep being cheerful when inside all I want to do is hide? To get away?
God did not allow me to be the mother of these children knowing that I couldn't handle it. He placed me as their mother, the exact mother that they need. During this time, when they all seem off-kilter, I need to fight even harder. Yet, I am tired. I am worn. There is only one of me to go around.
When I read Philippians I read about how I am to "Do all things without grumbling or questioning." (2:14) This is in a section where we are exhorted to be the light of the world. It is very hard to be a light when the vessel is worn, tattered, and broke down. But, God is my potter, and I am His clay. He can fix the tiredness. He renews my strength.
Last time I wrote I blogged about taking that five minutes with God. Do you know that since I've put that challenge out that my life has gotten tougher? I am sure that's not what you wanted to read, but I truly believe that in seeking the Lord more the enemy fights more. But that doesn't mean quit. It means I am on the right track. That I need to stand firm in the Lord. Even when I want to stop fighting. Today everything was haywire. Everything. The kids were nit-picking at each other at 8:15, Brennan was defiant, the house a mess, etc... Finally, I loaded them all in the car and we drove. We drove and drove. For one hour we looked at the rolling countryside while listening to songs about God. In that hour I was able to refocus, to pray, to regain energy. Where I was weary, the Lord filled me with His grace. When we arrived home, it was as if we hadn't left. Many of the kids slipped right back into the patterns of an hour later, but I was different. I was renewed. As I dealt with Brennan I asked Hannah to pray for perseverence and patience for me. And she did. And the Lord blessed me with hope and direction.
My friends, this life is a battle. There are many days when we don't accomplish academics. There are days when it feels as if I go from one incident to another. And I am admitting it. I am telling you because on those days, I focus on character. Maybe I don't get that right away, sometimes I will resist and focus on just getting everything in line. But, oh the Lord humbles me, and then I slowly realize that it is about Him. It is about training these children to look to the Lord for guidance, to have them seek Him, to live for Him. The mess in my house can wait...what good is a clean house if my children are living led by seeking self? It's so hard. Especially for me. I thrive on order, on routine. These days or weeks are challenging because I need to drop the need for my control and give it to God. I need to pray about those children of mine. I need to pray for their hearts, pray that they will be children of intergrity that will grow to be adults of integrity. Thrse are days where we focus on Scripture and on binding His word to our hearts. God's Word is truth. "For the word of God is living and active, sharper thatn any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, or joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12) Through God's Word we can learn truth. God is good! I am not to grow weary. If I try to do this myself, then I hear, "I can't do this....I can't" If I parent relying on the Lord then I hear, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
This is a time where I believe that we need to truly focus on the character and integrity of our children. They need to see that we as parents don't grow weary, but that we will fight for them. That we will guide them, and lead them to the truth. That there is a standard of living, a standard rooted firmly in the Lord. Lately I feel as if the world has dismissed the idea that kids need to accountable. I'll hear how they are just kids, as if dismissing behavior. And then I read the Scriptures. The Lord speaks so highly of children. He talks about how we are to "train a child in the way he is to go." Even when I feel weary. But God has grace, amazing grace for me. For you. For those days when the heart is heavy, the road long. He is our hope.
Just this morning we were reading the parable of the House on the Rock. I'm going to write it out below. As you read it, may I challenge you to think, just as I am, where your foundation, and your children's foundation is placed? I pray for your home, your children's homes to be rooted on the Rock.
Everyone who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish mand who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it. (Matther 7:24-27)
This last week has been busy. I've been busy making ornaments, teaching, voting, praying, dealing with a teething baby, cleaning, and being mom. There has been a birthday, bills, jobs, phone calls, sadness, company, classes, meetings, and papers to correct. There is yard work, vacuuming, errands, cooking, getting gas, folding laundry, going to the library, paying the bills, worrying about the bills, and more. This crazy cycle of activity wears my soul down. Not only am I physically tired, I've found myself emotionally fatigued. Is this what life is about? Does this crazy motion, this frenetic pass matter?
I long for times of solitude and peace. And yet, when I get a moment, it's hard to sit still. My mind continues to race, my body unable to rest. My mind seems to look for things to worry about. Just when I calm down, when my muscles unclench, I'll hear a nagging thought, "what if....?" or "how are you going to....?" or "When are you going to...?" Peace....where is the peace?
Well, certainly, the peace isn't going to come from me. I can try to will my mind and body to be at peace all I want. The peace that I need is the peace from the Lord. There is power in stillness. In the Psalms it is written, "Be still and know that I am God." Be still. If I am moving at 100 miles per hour can I be still? How can stillness be achieved in a world that thrives on speed?
Many times I pray for the "peace that passeth all understanding." Days can go by where I feel no stillness, no calmness, no peace. But that is because I am acting as a slave to the very real necessities of movement in my life. Yes, the laundry needs to be done, or errands run, or floors to be swept. But can I be still while I work? Can stillness happen even when there are real challenges looming on the steps? The Lord tells me that He is the source of my peace, my stillness. So what do I do? Maybe it is as simple as stopping everyone and praying for God's peace over in our house. Or thanking the Lord for the dishes, and praying that as I rinse the dishes that He, my Lord, rinses away the anxiety in my heart. Maybe it means saying NO to the errands, to the swept floor, or to the eight loads of laundry waiting and walking around the block with my children. And maybe, just really maybe, it means carving minutes from my day to sit at Jesus' feet and pray. Read His Word. His truth. That is what I feel a need to write a bit. That giving of time to Him.
Oh how easy it is to get up, check emails, unload the dishwasher, change the laundry, plan my kids day, etc... But then, they are awake and the day is running at full speed. What would happen if I, if we, took 5 minutes in the morning and dedicated it to the Lord. If during those minutes we prayed that He would fill our hearts and our minds with His peace, His stillness. No matter what He reigns. Tomorrow is in the past, the future is not yet, but today is His gift to us. What matters is today. He will provide what we need when we need it.
I really want to challenge you to give the Lord that five. Write to me about it. What can happen in our lives if we give Him five in the morning...five after lunch...five before bed. Maybe start with one, and grow. The Lord is good. I know that He will bless our fives. And just think how those fives will exponentially grow. All of His women, His children praying to Him. Giving Him their time. Oh, my friends, I know we will be blessed!
I am so excited to hear about your fives. Take the challenge! I know that this will grow...I know that you will grow...I know that the Lord will give stillness...and hope...and rest...in a world that keeps moving, spinning...He is peace!
My journal about letting go, seeking Christ, choosing to believe, resting in faith and how that integrates with daily life. Life with now six beautiful children, one devoted husband, and myself with all of my dreams.
