A LESSON FROM MARMEE ON THE DANGERS OF PUTTING A HUSBAND "ON THE SHELF"

Remember me saying that I "got something out of" reading Little Women?  Well, probably my favorite chapter was 38 -- "On the Shelf."  Ironically, the day before I came across this chapter I had a conversation with my mom about how it is so easy to put one's husband on the backburner after children enter the picture.  Seriously, who of us has never put our responsibility to our children before our responsibility to our husband.  It's not as mind-blowing a possibility as we may think. 

When all you want to do after the kids are down for the night is sleep or take a bath or slip into the oblivion of a good book, you have put hubby on the shelf.  When you opt for chicken nuggets over your husband's favorite meal, you have put hubby on the shelf.  When the only clothes getting washed and put away are of sizes that end in "mos" or "T", you have put hubby on the shelf.

I've struggled through my short tenure of parenting to let Jason help or to take his advice about handling the children -- I put hubby on the shelf.  I have been guilty of spending so much time tending to children, that I have failed to say more than "welcome home" some evenings -- I put hubby on the shelf.  I have been so convinced that my children needed me and only me that I've given up babysitting offers so I could go out with Jason -- I put hubby on the shelf.

Here's what Marmee (a Titus 2 woman if ever I read of one) has to say about such behavior:

"You have only made the mistake that most young wives make -- forgotten your duty to your husband in your love for your children.  A very natural and forgivable mistake, but one that had better be remedied before you take to different ways; for children should draw you nearer than ever, not separate you. . ." (pg. 379)

"(You should) Not (be in the nursery) all the time, too much confinement makes you nervous, and then you are unfitted for everything.  Besides, you owe something to (husband) as well as to the babies; don't neglect husband for children. . ." (pg. 379)

In other words, if you are reading this, the chances that your children will ever suffer neglect is unlikely.  So, give them and yourself some space.  Do what you need to do during the day to reserve some energy for your marriage in the evening.  Make your marriage part of your childrearing and your childrearing part of your marriage, rather than compartmentalizing them and trying to figure out how to "divy up" your time and your love.  Always, always, always make sure you remember that God gave you your husband first; He doesn't want hubby on the shelf, he wants him on the sofa chatting with you, at the dinner table enjoying that favorite meal, on the floor playing with you and the kids, in bed. . . (well, you get the picture).

This chapter of Little Women ends with Meg (the new wife and mother) taking her husband off of the shelf so that she can be put up on a different sort of shelf -- a shelf of protection and peace that comes when we invest in our marriage relationships.

"This is the sort of shelf on which young wives and mothers may consent to be laid, safe from the restless fret and fever of the world, finding loyal lovers in the little sons and daughters who cling to them undaunted by sorrow, poverty, or age; walking side by side, through fair and stormy weather, with a faithful friend, who is, in the true sense of the good old Saxon word, the "house-band," and learning that a woman's happiest kindome is home, her highest honor the art of ruling it not as a queen, but as a wife (first) and mother." (pg. 386)