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So, I've always done family devos with the kids at breakfast after Jason leaves for work.  Likewise, I never ever do devos in front of company.  Why?  Very silly really:  I hate singing in front of other people, and our devos always involve hymn singing.  (I won't even sing with the windows open in the spring for fear the neighbors might hear me.)

Well, I went out on a limb this Christmas season and decided to do our Advent devos at dinner so Jason could lead them.  All went well this past Sunday at dinner until it came time to sing the Christmas hymn.  I asked Jason (who has a great singing voice, and I'm not just biased. . .) to lead the singing.  He gave me a mischievous grin and said, "No, you do that part."  I threw out excuses and exasperated groans all to which he replied, "If you don't do the singing, we just won't do it."  Aaargghhh!  Fine!

So I sang (blushing all the way).

And do you know what that man of mine wanted to do last night after dinner for leisure?

He turned off the living room lights, plugged in the tree lights, laid down on the sofa with the kids, and asked me to *sing Christmas songs to them*.  What!? 

There's just no use fighting it.  Jason wants me to sing (and I *don't* have a good voice).  But, why should I deprive the man of what he wants for Christmas?  Besides, now that I've been freed from the bondage of "closet singing," I think family devos will permentantly be at dinner so Jason can lead them -- as well he should.

Okay, so, really, a perfect marriage is not possible.  You know, thanks to the fall and us being human and all. . . but still, just as we are to strive toward the perfection of Christ in our personal life, we ought to strive toward that same perfection in each of our relationships.

I spent the month of October focusing on my marriage.  Well, that is to say that I did alot of reading on the subject, and alot of thinking; but not enough putting into practice what I read and thought.  Perhaps I over-complicate things like that so that the doing seems too daunting to begin.  Perhaps I get so caught up in the raising of children and the keeping of the home that I neglect my marriage and "put my husband on the shelf."  At any rate, Jason made it quite clear the other afternoon that he felt the neglect when he said, "Why don't you find some blogs for wives instead of all these blogs for moms?. . .  Hey, I know, why don't you start a blog just about marriage."  Poor thing.  I'm obviously not doing so good at making him feel important.  So, I spent some time thinking about what exactly is missing from my marriage -- what wifely roles am I neglecting -- that, if attended to would make Jason feel like a king and make the marriage feel more like the blessing that it should be.

I came up with Four Ps for a "Perfect" Marriage:

Pray

It is sad, and quite humbling, to admit that, while I pray for my husband, I do not pray as I ought.  My prayers are more the quick habit of the morning or the frustrated cries to God through the weekend.  I own a copy of The Power of a Praying Wife, and I've come across a very interesting Month of Prayer for Your Husband post; but I have not been faithful in unselfishly and faithfully praying for Jason.  Prayer for one's husband should be not be a flight of fancy, it should be a commitment to be a prayer warrior on behalf of the one that God has called you to be a helpmeet to.

Prioritize

Jason usually gets the last couple hours of my day, if that.  In the morning, it is time for God followed by dressing the kids and making them breakfast.  Although I do follow him to the door with a hug goodbye, that is about all the attention he gets in the morning.  Throughout the day I get wrapped up in the housekeeping and childraising, and often don't think much about my husband unless he "interrupts" the day with a phone call or unless I need something and find myself shooting a request via e-mail his way.  When he comes home I am usually grabbing my aching head or covering my tired ears as I scurry through the kitchen cooking or feed a baby or chase down a stinky diaper.  After dinner I clean, chase kids, or colapse into a tired heap in front of the television.  Add to that seasonal demands (like Christmas shopping), and Jason is lucky to get me from 10pm until we go to bed.  Again, it is my horrible habit of putting him on the shelf.  How do you prioritize a husband when the children and the house seem to demand so much though?. . .

Please

I'm in the middle of reading The Pace of a Hen (which is a wonderful book that I can't wait to share more of with you later).  In the chapter on marriage, the author, Josephine Benton, suggests coming up with a short list of things that you can do to make your husband's life more "pleasant."  This is not to be a complicated list of time-consuming projects, rather a short and simple list of easy-to-do tasks that will make your husband smile.  For Jason, it is things like, making a cup of coffee for him each morning, staying caught up on laundry, greeting him each evening with a smile on my face, and keeping the living room and kitchen picked up.

Personalize

And by personalize I mean "get intimate."  Just as women yearn for emotional connection, men yearn for physical connection.  I've learned alot about men, or at least my man, and physical intimacy in the last year or so.  First of all, I've learned that it isn't all about what happens in the bedroom.  Jason often wants a nice wet kiss in the middle of the day just so he can feel physically connected with me.  Husbands want intimate physcial contact through the day. . . not to "get ready for tonight" but just to connect.  Also, when it comes to physical intimacy in the bedroom, it is truly important to men, whether they say so or not, that the woman enjoy the experience as well.  There is nothing personal or intimate about a one-way physical experience.  Lastly, it is important for the woman to let go of inhibitions in the bedroom.  This can be difficult.  Many of us have been raised in Christian homes where physical intimacy, in its many forms, was blushed at to say the least.  Without going into detail, it is time to let go of your inhibitions, kick mom and dad out of your bedroom (figuratively, for, hopefully, they are not physcially in there), and let your time spent together be personal -- you and him.  Let it be a time to let go of self in order to serve your husband.

It is easy to remember "The Four Ps", but Practice is what makes perfect.  So pray to God for help, encouragement, strength, energy, gentle reminders, and even desire; and then look at each day as an opportunity to practice praying for, prioritizing, pleasing and getting personal with your husband.

A LESSON FROM MARMEE ON THE DANGERS OF PUTTING A HUSBAND "ON THE SHELF"

Remember me saying that I "got something out of" reading Little Women?  Well, probably my favorite chapter was 38 -- "On the Shelf."  Ironically, the day before I came across this chapter I had a conversation with my mom about how it is so easy to put one's husband on the backburner after children enter the picture.  Seriously, who of us has never put our responsibility to our children before our responsibility to our husband.  It's not as mind-blowing a possibility as we may think. 

When all you want to do after the kids are down for the night is sleep or take a bath or slip into the oblivion of a good book, you have put hubby on the shelf.  When you opt for chicken nuggets over your husband's favorite meal, you have put hubby on the shelf.  When the only clothes getting washed and put away are of sizes that end in "mos" or "T", you have put hubby on the shelf.

I've struggled through my short tenure of parenting to let Jason help or to take his advice about handling the children -- I put hubby on the shelf.  I have been guilty of spending so much time tending to children, that I have failed to say more than "welcome home" some evenings -- I put hubby on the shelf.  I have been so convinced that my children needed me and only me that I've given up babysitting offers so I could go out with Jason -- I put hubby on the shelf.

Here's what Marmee (a Titus 2 woman if ever I read of one) has to say about such behavior:

"You have only made the mistake that most young wives make -- forgotten your duty to your husband in your love for your children.  A very natural and forgivable mistake, but one that had better be remedied before you take to different ways; for children should draw you nearer than ever, not separate you. . ." (pg. 379)

"(You should) Not (be in the nursery) all the time, too much confinement makes you nervous, and then you are unfitted for everything.  Besides, you owe something to (husband) as well as to the babies; don't neglect husband for children. . ." (pg. 379)

In other words, if you are reading this, the chances that your children will ever suffer neglect is unlikely.  So, give them and yourself some space.  Do what you need to do during the day to reserve some energy for your marriage in the evening.  Make your marriage part of your childrearing and your childrearing part of your marriage, rather than compartmentalizing them and trying to figure out how to "divy up" your time and your love.  Always, always, always make sure you remember that God gave you your husband first; He doesn't want hubby on the shelf, he wants him on the sofa chatting with you, at the dinner table enjoying that favorite meal, on the floor playing with you and the kids, in bed. . . (well, you get the picture).

This chapter of Little Women ends with Meg (the new wife and mother) taking her husband off of the shelf so that she can be put up on a different sort of shelf -- a shelf of protection and peace that comes when we invest in our marriage relationships.

"This is the sort of shelf on which young wives and mothers may consent to be laid, safe from the restless fret and fever of the world, finding loyal lovers in the little sons and daughters who cling to them undaunted by sorrow, poverty, or age; walking side by side, through fair and stormy weather, with a faithful friend, who is, in the true sense of the good old Saxon word, the "house-band," and learning that a woman's happiest kindome is home, her highest honor the art of ruling it not as a queen, but as a wife (first) and mother." (pg. 386)