Kids lead such a simple, seemingly care-free life.  They wake up eager to greet the day and all its adventures, they are satisfied with the simplest of foods, they have complete and utter trust that their needs will be met by their parents, they play hard and with all their might, and they collapse into bed at night more than ready to do it all over again the next day.  What makes a child's life so simple?  What makes children so care-free?  I have to say that I probably haven't lived that way in YEARS, and I would love to return to such a care-free way of life.

The chapter on the Discipline of Simplicity was probably my favorite in Stephen Foster's Celebration of Discipline.  It was the first statement of the chapter that caught my attention -- a few sentences that rang so true to me, that turned on that lightbulb in my head and illumined me to a problem I've been dealing with for some years now. 

"Simplicity is freedom.  Duplicity is bondage.  Simplicity brings joy and balance.  Duplicity brings anxiety and fear." (pg. 79)

I've been dealing with panic attacks since my college days.  There are evenings, when I'll be lying in bed, or afternoons sitting at the table, when I'll look at Jason and say, "I'm having a panic attack."  (Yes, I've had them long enough that I can calmly identify them; but they still feel horrible and disrupt my life badly.)  He'll say, "Why?"  My response:  "That's the problem, that's what makes panic attacks so bad, I don't know WHY exactly I'm having it."

I suppose this chapter on simplicity answered that question.  Why do I have panic attacks, why do I live in an almost constant state of anxiety sometimes?  Lack of simplicity -- "duplicity."  But what do I do about it?  What does it mean to really live a life of simplicity?  How do I practice the spiritual discipline of simplicity?

The first and most important step according to Foster is to focus -- always focus -- on the kingdom of God.  "Seek first His kingdom. . ."  Foster says, ". . .freedom from anxiety is one of the inward evidences of seeking first the kingdom of God.  The inward reality of simplicity involves a life of joyful unconcern for possessions. . .  It has nothing to do with abundance of possessions or their lack.  It is an inward spirit of trust." (pg. 87)

To give a little more background, much of my anxiety issues are wrapped up in sleep.  I spent about half a year in college suffereing from bad insomnia.  I mean, I just didn't sleep at night -- couldn't.  Insomnia hit again in early married life and now on occasion.  I get really anxious about sleep, missing out on sleep, feeling tired, being kept up by kids or husband,. . .  My "possession" that I obsess about is not clothing, or money, or house, or home decor. . . it is sleep. 

When I came to this realization, the following really hit home:

"If what we have we receive as a gift, and if what we have is to be cared for by God, and if what we have is available to others, then we will possess freedom from anxiety.  This is the inward reality of simplicity. However, if what we have we believe we have gotten, and if what we have we believe we must hold onto, and if what we have is not available to others, then we will live in anxiety." (pg. 88).  While this holds true to many areas in my life -- time, plans, agendas, dreams. . . -- it is especially true for me regarding sleep.  I gaurd my right to sleep with all I have (which isn't really much, come to think of it).  But sleep isn't mine.  Every minute of sleep I get is given me by God, and every minute needs to be at the disposal of God and others.  I'm not on this earth to get a "good night's sleep," I'm here to serve. . . God first, others next, my husband and children especially.

The reality is that, if I let go of my "right to" or "ownership of" my time, my plans, my agenda, my dreams and desires, and my sleep, and focus instead on how to use these things to better serve the kingdom of God -- how to better minister to my family, I will be living a more simplified life and will find myself, by the grace of God, free of anxiety and panic attacks.

Again, I highly recommend this book.  Please consider checking it out.  Close friends and family, feel free to ask me to mail it to you if you'd like to borrow mine (though you'll have to deal with folded corners and highlighted passages). 

As I've recently finished Stephen Foster's Celebration of Discipline and eagerly await my new non-fiction read, I thought I'd share a bit of this book with any interested friends.

ON PRACTICING THE SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES

"The moment we feel we can succeed and attain victory over sin by the strength of our will alone is the moment we are worshiping the will." pg. 5

"The purpose of the Disciplines is freedom.  Our aim is the freedom, not the Discipline.  The moment we make the Discipline our central focus, we turn it into law and lose the corresponding freedom. . .  The liberation is the end; the Disciplines are merely the means.  They are not the answer; they only lead us to the Answer.  We must clearly understand this limitation of the Disciplines if we are to avoid bondage." pg. 110

ON THE DISCIPLINE OF MEDITATION

". . .If we are constantly being swept off our feet with frantic activity, we will be unable to be attentive at the moment of inward silence.  A mind that is harassed and fragmented by external affairs is hardly prepared for meditation.  The church Fathers often spoke of Otium Sanctum, "holy leisure."  It refers to a sense of balance in the life, an ability to be at peace through the activities of the day, an ability to rest and take time to enjoy beauty, and ability to pace ourselves." pg. 27

ON THE DISCIPLINE OF PRAYER

"Sometimes we are afraid that we do not have enough faith to pray for this child or that marriage.  Our fears should be put to rest, for the Bible tells us that great miracles are possible through faith the size of a tiny mustard seed.  Usually, the courage actually to go and pray for a person is a sign of sufficient faith.  Frequently our lack is not faith but compassion." pg. 39

ON THE DISCIPLINE OF SIMPLICITY

"If our goods are not available to the community when it is clearly right and good, then they are stolen goods.  The reason we find such an idea so difficult is our fear of the future.  We cling to our possessions rather than sharing them because we are anxious about tomorrow." pg. 89

ON THE DISCIPLINE OF SOLITUDE

"Silence is one of the deepest Disciplines of the Spirit simiply because it puts the stopper on all self-justification.  One of the fruits of silence is the freedom to let God be our justifier." pg. 101

ON THE DISCIPLINE OF SUBMISSION

". . .When we live outside of self-denial, we demand that things go our way.  When they do not, we revert to self-pity -- 'Poor me!'  Outwardly we may submit but we do so in a spirit of martyrdom.  This spirit of self-pity, of martyrdom, is a sure sign that the Discipline of submission has gone to seed. . ." pg. 114

ON THE DISCIPLINE OF SERVICE

"But who can hurt someone who has freely chosen to be stepped on?" pg. 133

ON THE DISCIPLINE OF CONFESSION

"A generalized confession may save us from humiliation and shame, but it will not ignite inner healing. . .  It is far too easy to avoid our real guilt in a general confession." pg. 152

ON THE DISCIPLINE OF WORSHIP

"Just as worship begins in holy expectancy, it ends in holy obedience.  If worship does not propel us into greater obedience, it has not been worship." pg. 173

ON THE DISCIPLINE OF CELEBRATION

". . .Joy is found in obedience.  When the power that is in Jesus reaches into our work and play and redeems them, there will be joy where once there was mourning. . ." pg. 193

These quotes, by no means, can substitute for reading the book.  I highly recommend my this book to my Christian friends.  It will challenge you!

*Also covered in the book are the Disciplines of fasting, study, and guidance.

So, I'm trying desperately to figure out how to accomplish my 101 in 1001 goals.  It seems it is slow-going at this point.  I am always working at the reading.  Right now I'm reading Little Men by Louisa May Alcott and Celebration of Discipline by Stephen Foster. 

We are planning a camping trip this weekend.  We'll see what that will do for my camping goals.  No, Kolleen, I'm not the camper in the house.  I'm just the camper's wife.

I've begun a sort of unconventional prayer journal thanks to some comment-box-dialogue with Holly at Seeking Faithfulness.  Due to the harried life I lead as a mother to three youngins, a long piece of undistracted prayer journalling is just not going to happen (even now I'm holding a squirming infant and trying to make a preschooler do his quiet time quietly).  So, what I did was buy some 3"x5" index cards and an index card box.  Every morning I write down a couple verses to meditate on along with a few specific prayer concerns or praises for the day.  I fold it up, tuck it in a pocket, and pull it out through the day -- usually while nursing or cooking -- to prompt some quick meditation and prayer.  At thw end of the day, I stick it in the box and get ot a fresh card.  It needs a little refining, but the idea seems to be working.

So, what should I try to tackle next. . .?

Well, I have found that a morning Spiritual Beauty Routine does me a world of good.  I had been doing a devotion every morning (taking up my sword), but that was about the extent of it.  It has proven essential to do a "wake up" prayer before "taking up the sword" if I want to take it up with strength and be able to do something with it.  And, without asking God for His help and turning myself over to Him after reading His Word, I don't stand a chance "in the world"!

So, what would an evening Spiritual Beauty Routine look like?  Well, I know that one of the first things we tend to do before bed at night is to either take a shower or wash our faces.  This gets rid of all the day's dirt and grime and relaxes our muscles, getting us ready for a pleasant night's sleep.  Likewise, we can, again liken the shower to prayer.  We can pray for a cleansing from all things worldly and stressful so that we can sleep better at night.  We can just let God wash us clean of the worries of the day.

Next, we pull on our jammies, nice and cozy.  Again, we take up our Bibles, not for any deep and revealing study now; but just for some words of comfort.  There are times we need to be challenged by the Word of God -- like before facing the day's ups and downs; and there are times we need to be comforted by the Word of God -- like before laying down for the night.  Let us put on God's comforting promises before letting our heads hit the pillow. 

Lastly, we brush our teeth and hair, again.  This time for reasons of personal hygeine -- so our teeth don't decay, and so we don't wake to a painful mess of hair tangles.  This is when we go to God to confess our failings.  I have just recently begun the practice of confessing my sins to God daily.  I don't think this is necessary to my salvation so much as it is necessary to my spiritual health and relationship with God.  I confess every night before bed in order to sort through my short-comings, get them out of my heart, restore my relationship with God and keep the door of communication open and free, and to get them off of my mind before bed.

So, while our morning routine prepares us for living our day in the world and with people, our evening routine prepares us for a peaceful night's sleep free of worries, anxieties, stress, or guilt.

We women like to spend a lot of time on our appearance, don’t we.  I actually spend a pretty conservative amount of time and money on beauty; but even without daily makeup, weekly baths and manicures, daily exfoliatings and lotionings, I still have basic daily “up keep rituals.”  I shower, dress, brush my teeth and hair, spray on some scent and apply some deodorant every morning; and then I change clothes, brush my teeth, rinse my face (sometimes take a bath) and hop into bed at night.

While I never want to overlook the importance of keeping up our feminine appearance, I do want to pose a reminder of how much MORE important it is for we women to keep up with our spiritual “appearance” every day. 

Upon waking, most women will shower, both to cleanse their bodies and to wake themselves up a bit.  Similarly, we ought to start our mornings with a cleansing prayer, asking God’s blessing on the day.  We ought to also pray for some spiritual awakening as we begin our day – a prayer that God lead us through the day and begin by giving us some inspiration or encouragement.

After showering, we usually dry off and put on some clothes appropriate for chasing children and keeping house.  You probably know where I am going with this.  After praying for cleansing and spiritual awakening, put on your spiritual armor (Ephesians 6:13-17)!  I believe that, as wives and mothers, we do spiritual warfare for our marriages, our children, and our homes every day.  We need to be dressed appropriately for the battle.  We begin by “girding our loins with truth, putting on the breastplate of righteousness, shodding our feet with the preparation of the Gospel of peace, taking up the shield of faith, and putting on the helmet of salvation.”  We must also “take up that sword of the spirit which is the Word of God” – EVERY DAY!  We can not fight the enemy without the Word, and we will not have the tool we need to fight back without it.  We might be able to go into battle safely clothed in a knowledge of the truth. We might be able to protect ourselves with faith in God. But we cannot fight the enemy off and out of our house without the Word of God. 

After dressing for the day we brush our teeth and do our hair to look especially presentable do the outside world.  After we have prayed for cleansing and awakening and put on our armor and taken up the sword of the spirit which is the Word of God, we must make ourselves beautiful for husband, children, and the rest of the world.  This is when we pray for special help from God for those areas in which we tend to struggle.  Perhaps you have a hard time submitting to your husband, maybe you tend to lose patience with the children, now is when you pray that God bless you with that sweet and gentle spirit that is truly beautiful in the sight of God.

Lastly, we put on deodorant and spray on some nice smelling perfume.  What could be more sweet-smelling to God than our praise.  Let’s end our morning spiritual beauty ritual with the sweet smelling sacrifice of praise to God for everything.  We can pray praises, we can sing praises. . . we can even shout praises if we feel so inclined.  We praise Him for all He has blessed us with.  We praise Him for all He is outside of the blessings we receive.  Praising God does not need to be all about us and what we have been given.  It ought to be all about God and who He is.

So, as you prepare for each day in the bedroom and bathroom, remember to prepare spiritually before the Lord.  Pray for cleansing and spiritual awakening.  Put on spiritual armor and take up the Word of God.  Pray for God’s help in your personal areas of weakness, and then praise Him for all that He is!

Carpentry tools

Prayer, personal devotions, reading, showering, e-mailing, writing, sleeping, feeding, nursing, bathing, teaching, guiding, romancing, helping, cleaning, laundering, cooking, unpacking , decorating, gardening,. . .

See why I feel stressed?  This is the list that literally keeps me up at night and has me in a general state of panic during the day!  "How am I going to get all this done?" I ask myself.  "How will I keep this house looking nice, my kids well-educated, my husband satisfied, myself bathed and looking half-way decent, and my relationship with God grounded ALL AT THE SAME TIME?"  "What do I do first?  Where do I begin?"

And then I realize, I don't have to figure all that out.  That is not my job.  I am merely an instrument used by God to get all those things done.  He decides the where, when and how of it all; I just make myself available to be used.  I work at each task He sets before me with all my might, and He makes sure it all gets done as it should in the end.  He uses me.  If I just make myself a willing and available tool, He will use me to cultivate a deeper relationship with Him, to keep in touch with friends and family, to keep my husband happy, to raise and train my children, and to make this house a comfortable and peaceful home.

Wow!  That is freeing!

Grace, Forgiveness, and Unconditional Love

Growing up in a Christian home, I always KNEW that God was gracious and forgiving and loving; however, this was mostly head knowledge rather than heart-felt conviction.  In fact, it wasn’t until I grew up and became a mommy that I truly understood the grace of God.

You see, for whatever illogical reason, I had spent most of my teenage years believing that, while God loved and forgave me when I sinned, He probably still wanted or needed to “punish” me on some level.  I truly felt that my sins (however great or insignificant) would keep God from blessing me with my heart’s desires.  I was convinced that while I might get married, I would surely never be fortunate enough to have the blessing of my own family.  I thought I didn’t deserve such a treasure and figured God knew I was unworthy and incapable of handling such responsibility.

My husband, Jason, spent the first few years of our married life trying to talk sense into me.  But, while God’s grace was head knowledge to me, the idea of an exacting God had become a heart-felt belief.  I was convinced I would never bear children.  So, when I got pregnant with my first baby, I spent the entire pregnancy CONVINCED that something would go wrong; and when, at 40 weeks, I sat in a hospital bed telling a beautiful little baby Gordon that I loved him more than I’d ever imagined, I was hit smack in the heart with the reality of God’s grace.

Of course, through the last four years I have continued to experience the grace of God, and I have begun to understand true forgiveness.  It is painful to admit that I still mess up.  Every day I do something wrong – AGAIN!  Every evening I go to bed confessing my sins against my God and my family – lost tempers, shouts, mean looks, wishes for a life of ease.  My flesh just seems to take over, and I find myself under a flood of guilt and self-condemnation.  Yet, every time, my kids forgive me.  I’ll dissolve into tears and near hysteria looking at my less-then-perfect house while my kids beg for books to be read and my baby cries for another feeding.  What do my children do?  Gordon brings me “a rag for (me) to cry on,” Teeny gives me a hug and kiss, and baby Bud-Jack takes a brief moment to stop nursing and smile up at me.  An hour later it is as if nothing ever happened.  Forgiveness.  Who would have thought that it would take experiencing that kind of forgiveness from children to convince my heart that God continually forgives my many sins against Him.

And while I keep receiving this blessed forgiveness again and again, I realize the strength and importance of unconditional love.  Until starting my family, I had never experienced in my own heart the ability and desire to love someone or something NO MATTER WHAT.  I have found that it is unconditional love that gets me up every two to three hours at night to nurse and change a baby.  It is unconditional love that makes me want to kiss my little girl when she lashes out in anger or frustration.  It is unconditional love that causes me to well up with sympathetic tears when my little boy realizes, shamefully, that the object he just broke was very important to me.  And it is God’s unconditional love for me that mandates that He forgive me AGAIN and have the grace to keep blessing me with more children.  He knows what He’s doing because each child makes me more aware of the character of God -- each child makes me more secure in my relationship to my Heavenly Father.

Well, tomorrow my family begins a new journey.  We've "moved in" as much as we could in a week, and tomorrow Jason begins his new job, and the kids and I begin a new schedule and general way of life.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly scared -- ok, almost scared out of my mind.  Until now, Jason has pretty much "been around" whenever the kids were out of control or I needed a break or anything just went kinda . . . wrong.  Now I enter the world most SAHMs live in all the time -- a husband who actually works AWAY from home.  I've been spoiled, I'll admit it; I just hope I haven't been ruined.

I really am feeling something akin to fear -- panic maybe -- nerves. . .?  Fortunately, the Lord is bringing back to my mind a devotion I read a couple weeks ago on Above Rubies called What Do You Fear?  In the devotion, Nancy Campbell addresses the problem of "fearing a fear."  In other words, I'm not really afraid of any real thing right now.  I'm simply being frightened by fear -- nonsensical fear.

So, tonight I'll go to bed.  Tomorrow I'll wake up, go to God for strength, and then rely on my Almighty God to get me through the day.  What is there to fear?