Mar. 13, 2008 - Lesson 5
Bright light, blinding in the eyes. She misses a step and stumbles over a root. Pain shoots up her leg, but she doesn't care. At home all week it has been, back and forth, this and that. Sia was just glad the travelors had moved on. Sighing, she ran a hand through her hair as she sat down beneath her mint tree. A low whistle turned her head, and she could see her little friend. Already, Sia's eyes have begun to sparkle.
Rosethorn
Comments
Mar. 13, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by christianmusician1
Hi Rose!
I see your fairly new to HSB. Welcome. I love music too. Josh Groban is great, I like the violins that play with him. I think my favorite song of his is "You Raise Me Up".
If you need any help with templates or music or stuff like that, let me know. I love how your blog looks right now though:-)
Have a great day!
Love,
Arya
Mar. 13, 2008 - Lesson 5
Posted by skmarlow
What an unusual way of showing your character's feelings. I haven't read one quite like this--in present tense--before. You have some good word choices here: her eyes sparkling, stumbling....etc.
From your paragraph I would guess that Sia is weary and worn out beyond belief. Then near the end her spirits rise at the sound of her bird-friend. Am I correct? If not, and you are trying to convey a different "feeling" then you need to include some more showing word clues.
Oh, I like the way you wrote in the present tense. However, then you switched to past tense in the middle. If you are going to write present tense, you should be consistent throughout the paragraph. I've corrected it below so you can see what I mean (verbs in caps):
Bright light, blinding in the eyes. She misses a step and stumbles over a root. Pain shoots up her leg, but she doesn't care. At home all week it has been, back and forth, this and that. Sia IS just glad the travelers HAVE moved on. Sighing, she RUNS a hand through her hair as she SITS down beneath her mint tree. A low whistle TURNS her head, and she CAN see her little friend. Already, Sia's eyes BEGIN to sparkle.
Nice job!
Edited by skmarlow on Mar. 13, 2008 at 7:56 PM
Mar. 13, 2008 - Ha!
Posted by skmarlow
Drawing ships. The lesson is "pain" for all of the students...mostly because words like "awesome, very cool" don't really tell you what to draw. He-he. Do what you can with it...the purpose is to show you how important it is to give your reader a mental picture and how hard it is to visualize something when the author doesn't give a good word picture.
Have fun! (or not) LOL
I posted a new entry on the WW blog. It's a message about Friday.
