Mar. 17, 2008 - Lesson 7
Before: It rained all week during our camping trip.
After: Rain hit our tent like little explosions. Thunder roared and the ground shook. Outside the land was awash in a flood of water. People with umbrellas skipped and hopped over puddles.
Before: Katie saw a scary sea creature at the aquarium.
After: As Katie approached the glass she saw out of the corner of her eye a flip of a fin. Next thing she new a large yellow beady eye was staring at her. She jumped back in fear. Her whole body trembled and her hands shook. Once she realized what a harmless creature the large sea turtle was she stopped shaking and laughed at how ridicules she had acted.
Before: As I entered the cave, I found the object of my search - the lost treasure chest of the Ancients.
After: I walked toward the craggy cave in strained silence. Timidly, I called out, “Hello?" It echoed off the walls like giant leaps. Angrily, I chastised myself realizing how foolish I was acting. I walked into the cave, very aware at how loud my boots rang against the rock. A small slithering stream wove its way through the cave getting my boots very damp. It's so dark in here I wish I would have brought my lamp. Next thing I knew I am holding onto the edge of a pit, I must have stepped into it when I was sulking. A dim light is shining on my back. I let go of the rock hopping the fall wasn't to long. It isn't that deep of a pit, but just deep enough to give me a jolt. While I crouch I can see before me the chest of the Ancients I had so long looked for. Mesmerized I reach out my hand to touch the gold. It's real! I can feel a smile spread over my face, but wait, oh, now my smile is gone. I just realized my next challenge. How am I going to get out of this hole?
Here is the beginning of my story:
The forest is alive. She could hear its voice. But then, why couldn’t anyone else?
Wind whipping, leaves falling, voices egging her on. This is some of the many things Sia can hear.
Comments
Mar. 17, 2008 - Lesson 7
Posted by skmarlow
Very, very well done. You have packed a vivid moment into just a few, tight sentences. Powerful and interesting. I liked the twist about the scary sea creature! LOL
Your trip into the cave was riveting. Half-way through it, however, you slipped into a different verb tense. Keep everything in the same tense--either past OR present, but not both. Note: I have corrected it below by making the changes in CAPS:
I walked toward the craggy cave in strained silence. Timidly, I called out, Hello?" It echoed off the walls like giant leaps. Angrily, I chastised myself realizing how foolish I was acting. I walked into the cave, very aware at how loud my boots rang against the rock. A small slithering stream wove its way through the cave getting my boots very damp. It's so dark in here I wish I would have brought my lamp.
Next thing I knew I WAS holding onto the edge of a pit, I must have stepped into it when I was sulking. A dim light WAS shining on my back. I let go of the rock hopping the fall wasn't to long. It WASN'T that deep of a pit, but just deep enough to give me a jolt. While I CROUCHED I SAW before me the chest of the Ancients I had so long looked for. Mesmerized I REACHED out my hand to touch the gold. It's real! I COULD feel a smile spread over my face, but wait, oh, THEN my smile WAS gone (or DISAPPEARED). I just realized my next challenge. How am I going to get out of this hole? (you can keep this last sentence if you have it as her italicized thoughts).
Your story beginning is enchanting. Again, however, decide which verb tense you want to use. If it is a story told in the simple "past" (most stories are like that), then if you want it to be in the "present" Sia must think it or say it out loud. For example, see below...
The forest is alive. (Put the first sentence in italics so readers know Sia is thinking this OR say, "the forest WAS alive). She could hear its voice. But then, why couldnt anyone else?
Wind whipping, leaves falling, voices egging her on. THESE WERE some of the many things Sia COULD hear.
Or, if you are going to write the entire story in present tense (unusual but sometimes very cool!), it would look like this:
The forest is alive. She CAN hear its voice. But then, why CAN'T anyone else?
Wind whipping, leaves falling, voices egging her on. THESE ARE some of the many things Sia can hear.
