May. 1, 2008 - Lesson 9
I find that Josh Groban's song "Oceano" sounds really good while reading this. I have the song on my playlist if you want to scroll down.
Long Version
One appealingly sunny day little Edward and Belle decided to go to the beach. So here they were marching along the path just as happy as ever. Once they saw the sandy shore they broke into a run and scrambled down the bank. When they had finally arrived on the tumbling sand they huffed and puffed as only little children could do.
Tiny Belle gazed around in delight, but Edward showed his amazement by running around everywhere. Belle shuffled forward still entranced. She saw a dolphin in the distance jump in an ark. “Oh!” , she thrillingly exclaimed. But the dream was not to last. She heard her brother shout from way down the shore line. Belle sighed thinking her brother had once again gotten himself in trouble.
Short Version
One absolutely delectable day Edward and Belle had decided to go to the beach. That was an hour ago. At the moment they were looking about them in ecstasy. Belle was gazing at the ocean while Edward searched the shore. His sharp eyes stopped on something. “Look, dear Belle.” he said. He pointed at a boat that had washed up on the shore. Belle frowned. She had an eye only for Beauty. Then a feebly baby’s cry came from within the boat. Belle hurriedly scrambled down the hill and peered into the boat.
Sorry, this is an add on. I didn't read the directions
1. "Its here! It arrived today." Brian ran for the door and jerked it open. "This for you, kid?" The deliveryman thrust a heavy, oddly shaped package into Brian's hands.
2. "Come back here with my horse!" Jack shouted. The outlaw laughed. "Come and catch him, if you can."
3. "Will they come back?" Tina whispered. She looked at her brother for an answer. "I don't know," Peter said. "I hope not."
4. Samantha folded her arms across her chest, squinted, and snapped her gum - daring the teacher to scold her.
5. Sara awoke and leapt from her bed. She ran to the window, threw open the curtains, and gasped.
6. It all started with Zach - like it usually does. I mean, he's my best friend (and friends are hard to come by in the middle of outer space, so I'm not too particular), but sometimes he can be a real pain.
7. Jamie loved spiders. Especially the big, hairy ones.
8. The double suns of Epsilon 5 rose, blood-red, over the jagged mountains, casting an eerie shadow behind the ship.
9. What - Mary asked herself - was the point of trying to be good, when nobody really cared about her?
~ Rosethorn
Comments
May. 1, 2008 - Lesson 9
Posted by skmarlow
OK, I listened to Oceano, but I couldn't understand a single word. It's not Spanish. Is it Italian? Cool melody line, though!
I love this sentence from your opening hook:
Then a feebly babys cry came from within the boat. Belle hurriedly scrambled down the hill and peered into the boat.
That really grabbed me!
I want you to consider that when you have opening lines from a story (like the lifeboat story) it's not a good idea to begin, "One sunny day...." The sentence on the practice sheet was the BORING beginning. You are to use one of the techniques you learned and make it smashing beginning--any way you like. Sorry I didn't make that clear.
(The new, edited Beginnings worksheets have the instructions cleared up, but I haven't uploaded it to the pdf hosting site yet). And I don't know if I can, anyway.
You could just delete that whole first paragraph of the long version and start your "hook" with the 2nd paragraph: (notice I added "at the sandy beach"). That makes it a much better hook. Hope I didn't confuse you too much on this one. :-)
Tiny Belle gazed around in delight at the sandy beach. Edward showed his amazement by running around everywhere. Belle shuffled forward still entranced. She saw a dolphin in the distance jump in an ark. Oh!
May. 1, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Curufinwe
I actually went to that blog before I read that you asked me too. LOL
I might be downsizing my blog, and taking a summer break. :-(
~CF
