Continuing on the theme of relating to parents...

“Obey your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”

Right? I mean, even if that's not the exact wording, that's what honor pretty much means. Remember, back when we were little, and our parents quizzed us on what it meant to honor our parents? What was always our answer? “Obey.” And what did Mom and Dad say? “Yes, that's right—very good!”

So what's the big deal?

Let's start by flipping open our bibles to Exodus 20. Verse 12:

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”

Well, it's pretty clear that the verse does say “Honor.” Before we go further, though, I'd like to look at the New Testament—for good measure.

Ephesians 6:1-3:

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise), 'that is may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.'”

Obviously, the bible connects and overlaps the two ideas. So, why am I writing this blog post, anyways? Cuz it's looking sort of random and pointless so far.

Stick with me here. If I've got my facts right (and I may have them wrong, so if someone sees an error in this statement please let me know), Toyota Corollas are cars. Am I straight so far? From what I hear, they're good cars, too. But I don't think anyone will argue with me when I say that all cars are not Toyota Corollas. They're connected; they overlap. But 'car' and 'Toyota Corolla' are not exact synonyms that can be replaced by each other always. They're not exactly the same thing.

Here is my concern. When you hear the fifth commandment, it is really easy to say,

“Sure—I come when my parents call me; I do what they tell me to do. I don't yell at them, and I don't smash their things. Yeah, I honor my parents just fine.”

My recent theory has been that perhaps it actually isn't that simple. Perhaps we're saying we know cars inside-out, when really all we're familiar with is the Toyota Corolla. So if you'll be patient with me, I'd like to explore and see what we can find on this issue.

The first logical question that comes up at this point is, “Well, what does the word 'honor' mean?”

Urgh...mmm...rrrah!

Sorry—I was lifting my Webster's 1828 off of the shelf. It's a little hefty.

Okay—here it is. I'm going to read all six definitions, so that we can get a really good picture of what honor means.

“Honor:

1. To revere; To respect; to treat with deference and submission, and perform relative duties to.

2. To reverence; to manifest the highest veneration for, in words and actions; to entertain the most exalted thoughts of; to worship; to adore.

3. To dignify; to raise to distinction of notice, to elevate in rank or station; to exalt. Men are sometimes honored with titles and offices, which they do not merit.

4. To glorify; to render illustrious.

5. To treat with due civility and respect in the ordinary intercourse of life.

6. In commerce, to accept and pay when due; as, to honor a bill of exchange.”

Wow. Let's go through those one by one.

1. “To revere; to respect; to treat with deference and submission, and perform relative duties to.”

a) To revere.

What does 'revere' mean, then? Oh, goody—more Webster's! Let's look it up.

“Revere:

To regard with fear mingled with respect and affection; to venerate; to reverence; to honor estimation.”

Hmm. Maybe this means that we should fear our parents in terms of discipline—fear doing wrong, because we don't want to be punished, or make them mad. But we want to mingle that with respect and affection. Respect ties in with the last post. Look at them, and see the qualities that you admire. My father wakes up early every morning, drives to work in the dark, spends his day striving to teach unruly middle-school children, and comes home sometimes late in the evening, dead tired. For me; for my mom; for my brothers. Is that not worthy of respect? My mother gave birth to me, took care of me, and did everything for me as a baby, stayed home and taught me herself, so that I would grow up with a strong biblical foundation. And she is still doing it—for me and my six brothers. Is that not worthy, friends, of amazing respect?

And we need to love them for it too. Affection. Hugs, kisses, sharing friendship. Folks, everyone needs hugs, no matter how old (or what gender) you are—and even if you think you don't, I'm telling you now, your mom does. Affection is all of the little things we do every day to show that we care about people. Smile when you bring your mom a drink, or when you carry your dad's stuff in from the car. Ask about how their day went. Give meaningful gifts, even if they are not expensive. This is all part of affection—and only part, too. There is lots more you can do to be affectionate.

b) To respect.

We pretty much covered that already, but I'll expand a little bit. Respect means, according to the third definition in my trusty Websters:

“To view or consider with some degree of reverence; to esteem as possessed with real worth.”

I love that definition. In our culture, even if we generally do what our parents tell us to do, we forget how much they actually are worth, and how much they do for us. We shuffle our feet as we walk by, we answer questions in monosyllables, and we don't even look them in the face. We get away from them as fast as we can, because either we're embarrassed of them, we're angry with them, or we're under pressure from other peers. Do any of those reasons look like the definitions of honor we've seen so far? I don't think so. Treasure your parents.

c)To treat with deference and submission.

Deference is like respect In a lot of ways, but mostly I think in the outer form as opposed to the inner attitude. To defer means to yield—to opinions, to their superior “rank,” or to whatever they want you to do. Obeying is very much included in this. Note that stomping off and sitting bed for an hour before doing what Mom told you to do doesn't look much like yielding—even if you do eventually do the chore. Let your parents pass by first when your paths cross ways, let your parents speak first without interruption (unless necessary), and in decision making, let them have the first say. This leads right into Submission, which is also yielding, and obeying. Your parents are in charge of you. AND they have your best interest at heart. EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T THINK SO. They have reasons you may not even dream of for making the decisions that they do, or telling you what they need you to do. So just trust them, and obey. Submit.

2. “To reverence; to manifest the highest veneration for, in words and actions; to entertain the most exalted thoughts of; to worship; to adore.”

Definition 2. is mostly reserved for the worship of God, so we'll move on—but still, be sure and read it. We need to learn how to honor God too.

3. “To dignify; to raise to distinction of notice, to elevate in rank or station; to exalt. Men are sometimes honored with titles and offices, which they do not merit.”

a) To dignify.

If you please, Mr. Webster?

“Dignify: To invest with honor or dignity; to exalt in rank; to promote; to elevate to a high office.” OR

“To honor, to make illustrious; to distinguish by some excellence, or that which gives celebrity.”

Wow—friends, this is big. It means that honoring our parents is not only how we treat them, but how we represent them to others. WE ARE IN CHARGE OF OUR PARENTS' REPUTATIONS. People look at us to find out about our parents. We may NOT

*complain to others about our parents

*make our parents look silly or embarrass them in public

*expound on all of the things we AREN'T allowed to do because “Dad won't let me.”

In contrast, we should be

*Gushing to others about our parents and what they have done for us—and wonderful things about them

*Striving to save them embarrassment on our account

*If you must mention that you aren't allowed to do something, don't whine about it. Either try to explain why your parents have chosen this position, or wait until later when you can ask them about it (respectfully!) and try to get a feel for the reasons that they have decided to do things this way. Note that it is not their obligation to tell you all of their reasons for things. But really, your parents do want you to understand how important it is, and if you show a willingness to submit and be humble about it, then often they will be more than happy to let you know at least a couple of reasons. :-) I know my parents are.

*Being ladylike or gentlemanly in public shows other people that your parents have raised you correctly. When we are stopped in Sam's Club by some elderly couple who has noticed us, what do they say? Not,

“Wow—your children have done such a good job in disciplining themselves to be polite!”

They say,

“Wow—I want to compliment you [emphasis added] on your well-behaved children. Keep up the good work!”

Even when you aren't directly telling someone about your wonderful parents, you are doing so indirectly when you behave in a correct way. Note that the misbehavior has the opposite effect.

“Oh, dear—that child's parents aren't doing their jobs.”

“Goodness—where is his father?!”

“I wonder if that girl has a mother at home.”

To quote Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin (www.visionarydaughters.com),

“We can either build our parents up, or tear them down.”

God says our job is to build, not destroy.

b) To raise in distinction of notice; to elevate in rank or station

This is pretty similar—again, build them up, don't tear them down. And don't think that you can just be neutral. It isn't possible. If you think you're doing nothing and just being safe and leaving the situation as it is, the probable truth is that you are tearing down without even realizing it.

c) Men are sometimes honored with titles and offices, which they do not merit.

It is better to be looking through rose-colored spectacles in regard to your parents than to be looking through sunglasses. Don't exaggerate or tell lies about them, but if you happen to think that Mom's pie was better than all of the others at the potluck, or that Dad's chicken coop is the coolest even when he only won fourth place, that is so much more beautiful than refusing to eat Mom's pie just because it was hers, or rooting for the other coop because it isn't Dad's.

4. “To glorify; to render illustrious”

a) Pretty much what I just said. Put your parents on a pedestal; don't bury them in a pit.

5. “To treat with due civility and respect in the ordinary course of life”

a) This is complimentary to definition 3. While we shouldn't honor them to their faces and gossip about them behind their backs, NEITHER should we extol our parents in public and neglect to pay them due attention at home, in the ordinary swing of things. In fact, that would be very deceitful and DIShonorable, because it would mean that your public compliments are not genuine, and that you are just praising your parents to other people to really praise yourself for being such a good child. Obviously, it would mean the opposite. You've got to have both. Honor your parents in public AND at home to their faces. Otherwise, neither is legitimate. Don't forget civility at home.

6. “In commerce, to accept and pay when due; as, to honor a bill of exchange.”

a) In commerce, and at home. If you owe your parents something, whether it is work you were given to do, or something you promised, or what God says you owe to them in the bible, PAY IT. Forgetting isn't an option, and neither is just pushing it aside. This is a good definition to close with—it's somewhat like the rule that says, “Obey the rules.” We've been given these responsibilities towards your parents—now we need to go and be responsible with them. Act on them. Believe them. Honor our commitments.

We may point out that we haven't committed to it yet, that we're still thinking it out, or that we need some time still. Guess what? It doesn't matter. Because God committed us to it, by commanding it. And now we've got to honor him by honoring his commandment to honor our parents.

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I hope this little exploration has been beneficial to those who have taken part—I know it has been to me. Who would have thought that one word can mean so much? Please feel free to let me know if you see an error in any of my points—I am open to discussion. God bless you all as you embark on this new quest to really, truly, honor your parents. I'm still working on it too.