The freedom of contentment, the joy of finding my satisfaction in nothing but who God is, the peace of knowing that I belong to Him. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/ en-us Homeschool Blogger Thu, 30 Mar 2006 21:58:00 -0600 Thu, 30 Mar 2006 21:58:00 -0600 So carry your candle, run to the darknessSeek out the helpless, confused and tornHold out your candle for all to see itTake your candle, and go light your worldTake your candle, and go light your worldI have decided to start memorizing the sermon on the mount in Matthew 5-7.  I am through the first 14 verses and already I am learning new things.  This is what I noticed today:The song quoted above is a classic by Chris Rice.  It's a nice song; rather inspirational.  It's what we like to hear at youth retreats and during slideshows on Sunday mornings.  I always liked the idea of taking my light to the "dark side" and somehow giving them a little bit of whatever I thought I had.  After all, there are people lost and confused.  I have to go find them and save them.But the more I try to be a light the more I find myself failing.  There was even a time in my life when I had to step away from some relationships and people accused me of not spreading my light because I wasn't staying in the bad situations.  It got me wondering why in the world is it so hard?!What does the scripture say about light?  Light is often used in contrast to darkness, as in the contrast of good and evil.  We see Christ being the Light of the World.  Light is also used to illuminate what is in the darkness, to show evil for what it is and to reveal the secrets of the darkness. In the gospels, Jesus also told His disciples that they are the light of the world (Matt. 5:14).  So, what are we supposed to do with this light?  Are we supposed to run to the dark? Matthew 5:14-16 says "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.  Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."  We're a city on a hill.  Our light should be unavoidable, whether we run to the darkness or not.  We also see in 2 Corinthians 6 that light can have no fellowship with darkness.  So what do we do about those people who are clearly walking in darkness?  Be a light, but not just a candle.  Be a city, be obvious.  Glorify God with your actions by loving them and let Him deal with the darkness.L'Chaim~*Hannah*~ http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/109600/ Thu, 30 Mar 2006 21:58:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/109600/ aching to bebeautiful in their eyeswhat the world calls perfectioncosts so many livesso hungry all daybut she wouldn't dareshe knows she is dyingbut she doesn't carethe choice she's madeshe's controlled by thisher only thought is what to give up nexthow long can she gobefore she gives wayher mind is so cloudyhead spinning all dayshe looks in the mirrorshe hates what she seeswho cares that she fitsinto one-digit jeanseach moment she hears the voice in her head”if i am not thini'd rather be dead”empty and purefloating on airlight and beautifulthe food doesn't careconsumed by the imageof the girl on the screenstay strong, stay togetherwhile inside she screamsgive me some reasonother than thisto stay strong tomorrowand not go through with itate nothing todaybut dinner's aheadfood is the enemythe one thing she dreadsnobody seesnobody else knowshow blind they areoh, how far she'll goand each moment she hears the voice in her head”if i am not thini'd rather be dead”one more pound gonetill nothing is lefteach day is easierto starve to deathdying so slowlyperfection, it seemsmeans the girl in the mirrorlooks like the magazinesher friends ask wayand force her to eatthey don't understandthis goal she must meetshe says that she's finebut she knows it’s not trueit doesn't really mattershe's got more to loseand each moment she hears the voice in her head”if i am not thini'd rather be dead”only one thoughtall the day throughwhat did she eathow much did she losethe scale is her masterthe numbers accuseher stomach is emptyheart beaten and bruisedmore miles todaymore calories burnedtill someone finds outand the tables are turnedthey try to help outbut just make it worsetheir sympathy sometimesseems more like a curseit's all she controlsshe won't let it goher mind won't healthis is all that she knowsand each moment she hears the voice in her head”if i am not thini'd rather be dead” http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/84329/ Tue, 14 Feb 2006 17:56:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/84329/ Barukh atah Adonai, Elohaynu, melekh ha-olam asher keed'shanu b'meetzvotav  v'tzeevanu l’had’lik neir shel Chanukkah (Amein)     Blessed are you, Lord, our God, king of the universe who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us to light the candles of Chanukkah (Amen) http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/59961/ Sun, 25 Dec 2005 18:59:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/59961/ This story is based on true events.  I have seen some of it first hand.  Because I don't know the whole story I have taken some liberties,  put pieces together and made assumptions where I've seen fit.   She fell, panting, to the ground.  Her lungs felt like they were going to explode.  She could feel her heart beating through her whole body.  It's steady rhythm pounded in her temples and reminded her that she was still alive.  She tried to steady her breathing, sucking in the cool spring air as if it were a drug.  This was her only escape. She lay there, sprawled out in the grass of an open field.  How long could she stay before they noticed she was gone?  She found comfort in running away for a while.  She looked up at the stars and tried again to count them.  She loved the stars.  They were beautiful and safe, despite their mystery and distance.  They were consistent. Her breath came out in a sigh as she let the weight of the day come back to her.  She tried to remember the words in the note Pete had written her that afternoon.  She didn't know how she felt about him or the dozen other boys that called her after school.  She savored their attention.  She knew none of it really mattered.  But the drama was easier to think about than the reality of.... She winced when she remembered the truth.  The cold, hard reality of life.  But she couldn't make it go away now.  The memory replayed when all she wanted was for it to be erased forever, as if it had never happened. In her memory she saw a tall man and a dark-haired woman standing in the dirty living room of a poorly kept house.  She saw a young version of herself reflected in the window of the room, watching from around the corner.  They were fighting, yelling at each other and calling dirty names that she knew she shouldn't hear.  The man swung his fist at the beautiful woman.  She crumbled to the floor under the impact.  Then he left forever. Not long after, the woman found another man.  They flirted and played, laughing and kissing.  She saw them slip into the master bedroom and close the door.  In middle of the night, while the rest of the world was asleep, she heard this man lift her little sister from her bed and take her to the bathroom.  She covered her ears and sang to herself, praying he would leave.  She was too afraid to move, frozen under her covers. Then there was the day she found herself seated in a chair before an old man she didn't know.  She was nervous.  He asked lots of questions.  But she knew all the answers.  She knew what her decision would be.  She never wanted to be with her parents again.  It wasn't fair to her, or her baby sister. She saw her family.  Life in this house was good.  No more fear of the dark.  No more wondering what was coming next.  She had her own room; the walls were pink and green.  Posters and pictures of her friends covered the walls.  She was allowed to enjoy the music streaming from her stereo.  Until her little sister bounced in.  No, she could not borrow her brush.  No, not her clips either.  They threw words back and forth until she finally slammed the door in her baby sister's face.  Hate welled up inside of her.  She wanted to throw her annoying sister out with the dogs.  She didn't hate her sister.  She only hated the memories and the guilt that came with her. Tears began to fall as she walked slowly home.  She wiped her face with her hands, being sure to catch any running makeup that might give away her thoughts that evening.  She had to cover it up and not let them know how much it still hurt.  She had to be strong.  She walked in the door and straight to her bedroom.  She pulled out a notebook and tore out a fresh, clean piece of paper near the center.  She drew a girl, trapped between stone walls too high to climb and too thick to break down.  The Sun was hidden behind dark clouds of sadness and pain.  Drops of guilt where raining down on her.  She drew tears in the girls eyes. She set her pencil down and placed her work of art beside her bed.  She lay her head on her pillow, exhausted.  She sang herself to sleep, praying that the sun would shine tomorrow. Somewhere beyond the stars that she loved so much, the Man of her dreams heard her song and saw her tears.  He reached down and stroked her hair with His perfect touch.  He held her heart in His hands and was slowly putting the pieces back together.  And though she didn't know it, He was the Sunshine she was waiting for. -------------------------------------------------------- Baby girlPrecious oneDon't be afraidOf what's insideIt hurtsI know it doesAnd my wordsDon't even countThey can't make it stopIt's like it will never endHow can I help you?Make it all go awayHow can I show youHow precious you are?Innocence is lostCan't get it backIt's forcing you to grow upWay too fastIt hurts me to see youFeeling so lostBetrayed by the onesWho should have loved you mostLearn to trust againLearn how to loveYour baby sister will healAnd so will youWhy is there guilt?I don't understandHow can any of thisBe your fault?Reach for the sunStay awakeStay aliveThe night is youngYou don't have to cry http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/55226/ Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:21:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/55226/ I started todayLike any otherI put on the hatAnd put on the maskThat I knew the worldWanted to see I went on my wayHoping no one would guessThe face behind the smileWith my head tipped downMy hat covered my eyesSo no on could see me cry On the town My girls in towSmile pasted onAnd my bright pink hatThat spoke measures of vanitySecured the attention I craved Dance away the darkDance away the painForever gnawing in my heartCrawl under the maskSafely covered by deceptionWhen truth is never seen Unravel to findHidden by glamourTears running againThe mask comes offSliding down with meBreaking on the floor The hat and the maskAre the game I playTo try to make you seeOnly the personI want you to seeNever the real me http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/54806/ Sun, 11 Dec 2005 17:35:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/54806/   "I know the plans I have you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."    "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified."   "Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."   This has been the hardest week of my life.  Tragedy has never his this close to home before.  There are moments when I think I feel normal, but then I remember and my heart crashes to the floor once again.   One of my closest friends and his 14 year old brother were in a car accident on Monday.  It's been playing through my head over and over.  I can see it happening, the cars and the lights.  I can almost hear the collision.   The 14 year old was air lifted to a hospital an hour away.  He didn't live through the night.   In some ways I keep asking God why, when there were so many people praying for his healing, did He still let him die.  I accuse God of being selfish and not keeping His promise to answer us when we call.  I tell Him I'm scared of things being out of my control.  I tell Him I can't trust Him because no matter what I do or say or ask for, He is still going to do whatever He wants.    But then I remember the day we prayed for another miracle. It was 3 or 4 weeks ago in the boy's home.  His parents, my mom and I stood together holding hands, asking God to work in his older brother's life.  We asked God to do whatever it took to bring him back to Himself.  Maybe I'm trying too hard to figure God out, but I have a feeling this is what it took.    God knew what was going to happen to this boy from the beginning of time.  It didn't take him by surprise.  God doesn't make mistakes.  He knows what He's doing, and it's perfect.    The funeral was last night.  I was overcome with so many emotions for my friend and by the hard reality of it all.  But most of all I longed for my friend to know the joy that his little brother had in his lifetime.  This young man was ready to go to the Lord he served with his life and he had a burden for his big brother to know the God he had grown to love.   It's going to be a hard road, but God is good.  I am continually praying for His hand to be upon my friend and his family.  I know God is going to use this in big ways in his life.    ~*Hannah*~ http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/45033/ Wed, 16 Nov 2005 01:18:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/45033/ 1. Playing piano2. Singing3. Riding horses4. Hanging out with friends5. Listening to loud music 6. Road trips7. Sleeping8. Cooking9. Working out10. Blogging11. Learning harmonies12. Reading13. Wrestling with Josh14. Shopping15. Playing with my hair16. Quiz meets17. Journaling18. Roller coasters19. Text messages20. Fun jewelry21. Ball point pens22. Lip gloss23. Quilts24. Old books25. Tire swings26. Merry go rounds27. Superchick CDs28. Soft couches29. Good photography30. Willow Tree angels31. Musicals32. Fort Wilderness33. Beaches34. Libraries35. Coffee shops36. Book stores37. Concerts38. The SPASH stage39. Grand pianos40. Pictures of my parents when they were my age41. Red barns42. Red kitchens43. Inside jokes44. The ocean45. Candles46. Pizza47. Olive Garden48. Cookie dough49. Rubby ribbons50. Snickers51. Waterfalls52. VW Passats53. Formal dresses54. Convertables55. Roses56. Playing dress up with little girls57. Shoes58. Summer59. Campfires 60. Dogs61. Good song lyrics62. Digital cameras63. Hoodies64. Miss Congeniality65. Cinnamon rolls66. Challa bread67. My charm bracelet68. Elizabeth Elliot69. Painting my nails70. Old Navy71. Wood stoves72. Love Spell73. Cool quotes74. Coffee mugs75. Brick buildings76. Grandparent houses77. Blue78. Christmas lights79. Hawk Nelson80. Notebooks81. Fancy lettering82. Fields83. Bare feet84. Sitting on the floor85. Passover86. Mark Hayes piano arrangements87. My iPod 88. Guitar89. Josh Groban90. Hot tubs91. Les Miserables92. Phantom of the Opera93. The Chronicles of Narnia94. Long sleeve t-shirts95. Nalgene water bottles96. Chai tea97. Fruit smoothies98. Hot Chocolate 99. Lazer tag100. Happily ever afters ~*Hannah*~ http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/32122/ Sat, 8 Oct 2005 15:36:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/32122/ This is the good life I've lost everything I could ever want And ever dream of This is the good life I found everything I could ever need Here in Your arms Those are the lyrics to the song "Good Life" by Audio Adrenaline. Over the past couple of week I have become more and more aware of their truth in my life.  Let me explain... I am a very social person.  I love being with people all the time.  I get my energy from being with people.  My group of friends has always had a very wide age range.  I have several adult friends and college age friends as well as jr. high and elementy school friends.  But the one age group that I have never seemed to fit with is my own. My whole life I've had heartbreak when it comes to my relationships with my peers.  When I was in 6th grade or so my best-friend-since-birth decided we weren't going to be friends any more.  Looking back at it now I see how much we were growing and changing and becoming such different people that it only made sense that we would grow apart.  But at the time I was crushed. I had close friends on and off after that.  In Jr. high the Lord brought me the most amazing friend I think I have ever had.  We were so like minded and were so perfect for each other.  We grew a lot together and just had fun being little girls.  But when we hit highschool we both grew up and both found new friends. There is kind of a gap in my mind as to what happened next.  I don't really remember how it all started, this down hill spiral of a relationship.  You see, I got close to the wrong people. They weren't always that way.  Or maybe I was just too inocent to see it in the beginning.  I try to remember my best guy-friend how he was two years ago and how unique and amazing he was. Everyone looked up to him and all he wanted was to serve God in big ways.  I remember riding horses at my best girl friend's house and how fun it was to just talk. We understood each other.  We were like sisters, a relationship I had never really had before.  But the memories are so distant now, almost as if they were a dream, too good to be true. Today my "friends" are living for themselves.  And I have chosen to live a life "worthy of the call."  It has been so hard to let them go.  I miss them and who they are.  There are days when I am weak and all I want to do is call them up and go out with them and have a good time.  But what would that accomplish?  Do I love them enough to let them go? I've had to remind myself this week that as much as they hurt me they hurt God even more.  I forget sometimes that He doesn't just blow them off and not care about what they are doing.  He is "not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance."  So, I have lost the ones I love in exchange for following the One who loves me most.  I will press into Him because His love is perfect.  All I can do now  is pray it up and be ready.  ~*Hannah*~ PS - Thank you for the comments and encouragement!  Yes, we had Cats auditions last week.  I didn't get a lead, just a spot in the chorus, but that's okay.  I will update more often from now on! http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/31954/ Fri, 7 Oct 2005 23:27:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/31954/ Hello.  This is going to be my attempt at writing smart.  I've had a lot of 'fun' with my other blog, but I'm kind of tired of just writing to write.  I want to have something to say and I want to say it.  I want to keep up with things and I want to think about things.  Like the situations in the news, commentaries on portions of scripture, movie and book reviews.  I want to know and understand and learn and write about as much stuff as I can.  I want to be a good writer, but I have to learn to open my eyes to stuff every once in a while.  I can't write by just sitting around.   So those are my goals for this blog.  I'll also be blogging about what happens in my family.  That could be a novel in and of itself. ....Maybe someday....  I am 17 and a senior in highschool. I have an amazing family; my mom and dad and a 14 year old brother who is just the greatest in the world.  I attend the local highschool for choir classes, which start Sep. 1st.  I really enjoy choir, but it can be lots of work to practice for.  This year our highschool is putting on the musical Cats, which I am planning to audition for.  I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.  I have never seen the musical, but I"m not too excited about running around stage in a spandex cat costume.      One of my favorite things to do is play my piano.  I enjoy writing music and playing off of our worship team music.  I've been trying to play off of guitar chords for the last couple of years and I finally feel comfortable and confident enough that I can actually lead.  I might be leading a team for our youth group's worship team this fall and I'm very nervous.    Enough about me.  I talk too much.    ~*Hannah*~ http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/17786/ Sun, 21 Aug 2005 00:08:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Chana/17786/